CHAPTER 3

Happy flatshares are all alike; every unhappy flatshare is unhappy in their own way.

And in the case of the one containing Yui Ikari, her flatmate was glaring at her over the top of her coffee and looked prepared to make use of her toast as improvised weapons.

"Yes?" she eventually said, rather snappishly. She was feeling a little sleep-deprived after last night. "What is it, Mari?"

"There was a man in our bathroom this morning, wearing your dressing gown," Mari said, adjusting her glasses. Her long brown hair was crudely scooped back by a hairband and she was still wearing the faded t-shirt she slept in.

"So?"

"This is the first I've seen of him, despite how loud the two of you have been the past few nights. I thought it was just you and Masaaki, or I'd said something earlier," she said, peevishly. "What happened?"

Yui sniffed, pouring herself coffee. Mari didn't like any of her boyfriends at the best of times, and had barely tolerated Masaaki. "I dumped him and picked up Gendo," she said calmly.

"But isn't Masaaki in the hospital?"

"So? I dumped him before that happened, and I'd been looking for an excuse to leave him for a while."

Mari brooded, swirling her coffee. "So is Gendo his name?" she said, taking a bit out of her toast.

"Yes."

"... he's a bit old for you, isn't he? He has to be, what, thirty?" Mari said, lips thin.

Yui shrugged. "He's a very interesting man. Much more so than any of the college students I've dated before."

Mari looked appalled at that. "Senpai! You can't go… go letting an older man take advantage of you!"

Flicking her hair back, Yui gave the other woman - only a year younger than her, but much less mature - a knowing glance. "Oh trust me, he's not taking advantage of me. We have an arrangement."

"But-"

"It's my business who I date. But nothing."

"You're just brushing off… you're not listening to me!" Mari exploded, slamming her hands down on the table. "You can't go out with an older man! You can't!"

"I can and will. Why do you care?"

"Because I… I... you're being loud right next to my room!"

Ah. Sighing, Yui leaned forwards, wrapping her hands around Mari's. Mari looked down, blushing pinkly. "I am sorry about that," Yui said sincerely. "I'll be quieter. Or find somewhere else - and," she sighed, "well, my final project is coming up so that means I'm going to need more sleep. I'm tired and grouchy."

"I saw him," Mari mumbled. "He's all rough-looking and there were scars on his chest. He's some street thug, I just know it. He's not good enough for you."

"Oh, Mari," Yui laughed. "He's not a street thug. I'm touched, really, I am, but I'm a big girl. I can look after myself."

The sun was high in the sky, shining down on Yui's small car. She had driven out of Tokyo to meet up with her boyfriend in a field. The field was covered in impact craters and exploded trees, which indicated that she'd missed him practising. That was annoying, because she'd wanted to watch. Oh well, maybe later. Right now, she had to present him with a gift.

He wasn't taking it well.

"What kind of clothes are these?" Gerabanzo's eyes simmered. "What are you trying to make me wear?"

Yui folded her arms, tapping her foot. "Clothes that will help you blend in," she said meaningfully. "You're drawing attention, and you can't keep wearing that… that thing with the silly shoulders all the time. It's not hygienic."

"This is armour! It protects me!" he retorted.

"It's drawing too much attention," Yui explained patiently. "You do want to hide, don't you?"

Damn. She had him there. With bad grace, he snatched the bag she proffered. His nose wrinkled as he pulled out a white shirt.

"If you're going to have to hide from the people who blew up your home planet, you're going to need a false identity," Yui said, moving onto phase two. "You can't just live in my flat all the time. People will start asking questions. My flatmate is getting on my back about us being 'too loud' for her. And things would probably get messy if you were arrested."

"I don't see why," Gendo said. "I'd just kill them all."

"Exactly. Messy. There'd be blood all over the place." Yui smiled. "Don't worry. I've put some thought into it. Daddy has lots of power and influence and I've picked up lots of things that he doesn't know that I know. Sometimes people need false papers and a new background."

"Your father can get these papers for me?"

"Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere near Daddy," Yui said firmly. "He doesn't approve of me dating people he hasn't vetted. He'd probably try to get you deported if he thought you weren't in the country legally." She smiled wickedly, trailing her finger down Gendo's chest. "He hasn't realised that I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm going to enjoy having a boyfriend that he won't be able to scare off."

Gendo smiled, until what she was saying sunk in. "If your father won't get the papers, then what will we do?" he asked.

Yui shrugged. "We'll find a rural family with no son and bribe them to adopt you," she said casually.

"No violence?" Gendo said, disappointment clear in his voice.

"Well, obviously we'll have to break into some places to add you to files," Yui said. "And burn down a few offices so lots of records are lost. That'll explain why yours are missing. Don't worry. Mama taught me how to fake records and bribe government officials. I'm rather good at it."

A certain question was nagging at the back of Gendo's head. "What do your parents do?" he asked.

Yui smiled, and leaned in to kiss him. "Daddy is a politician and Mama is a housewife," she said, resting her head against his chest.

Hmm. The politics of these people was a lot like saiyan politics, clearly. No wonder he liked Yui so much.

"So, first thing we'll need is money for the bribes," she said into his chest. "Don't worry. I brought a second set of clothes with me for you to wear for this. Well, I say 'clothes', but..."

"Tensions continue to grow on the border between North and South Korea, as the North publicly blamed Seoul and the United States for an unprovoked incursion with what they alleged was 'an advanced war machine with unparalleled power'. However, North Korea's evidence has been soundly rubbished as a crude fake by the international community, with analysts agreeing that the alleged 'war machine' in the photographs is in fact a man painted silver and wearing a costume made of what appear to be cardboard boxes. Presid-"

Yui turned off the radio. "See," she said smugly, patting a small pile of stolen bullion. "I told you it would work, Gendo."

"That's easy for you to say," Gerabanzo grumbled, scrubbing at himself in the bath. "You're not the one who got covered in this paint. It tasted horrible!"

"I told you not to spray it in your mouth," she said unsympathetically.

"I thought it was a food cylinder!" He ran his hands through his hair. "The things I do for you."

"For yourself," Yui corrected him. "Are you done yet? When you get out of the bath, I want to see you in the new clothes I got you. Because now we need to go find you some parents."

"This doesn't feel right" he tried. "I am the son of Mustar and Samfira, both proud saiyan warriors. Not some humans."

"Yes, but you still need fake parents to hide in Earth society," Yui said wearily. "I need them to exist so I can fake your birth records and the like."

"Can't you just pretend they're dead?"

"No, that would raise Daddy's suspicions." Yui folded her arms. "Now, I'm going to help you put that shirt on, and… well, I'm sure we can figure out how ties work."

Gerabanzo tugged at his collar surreptitiously. Here he was, out in this planet's countryside. The settlement had a few hundred people in it at most. He adjusted his scouter, scanning the area. No, there was nothing of interest around here.

"Gendo," hissed Yui. She was wearing a neat blue jacket and dark skirt. "Take that thing off!"

Grumbling, he removed the scanner from his left eye and put it in his pocket. He was wearing what Yui called a 'suit', which was so much less comfortable and functional than his armour. Both the 'shirt' and the 'jacket' covered up his arms and constrained his movement. The trousers were even worse. They'd probably tear if he tried to kick anyone. His tail was wrapped around his waist and the trouser material was chafing it. And the less said about the tie, the better. It was like a noose.

"I don't feel comfortable without my scouter," he grumbled.

"It stands out and you're trying to look normal," she said firmly.

"But I've seen other people wearing two of them on their eyes. So I should be allowed to wear just one."

"Two of them… do you mean glasses?"

"I suppose so."

Yui pinched her brow. "I'll get you a pair of sunglasses if you need the feeling of something covering your eyes. Come on. We just need to get through today."

He swallowed. "Fine."

Standing on tiptoes, Yui kissed him on the lips, and then smoothed down his shoulders, flicking away an imaginary bit of lint. "You look very handsome," she said fondly. "Just pretend to be human, don't punch anyone, and if you're not sure what to say, just let me do the talking. And don't forget the bag."

He smiled back, hefting the case. "You like talking a lot more than me," he said. "But I'm better at punching."

"Exactly! I couldn't break into the palace of the president of North Korea, and you'd struggle to persuade an old man to adopt you. But together… the world will be ours!"

"And after the world, the galaxy!"

"Well, we'll start with the solar system," Yui said, stepping up to the door. "Just remember, Mr Rokubungi is a shop-keeper. His wife died five years ago, and his son was a salaryman. Don't say anything to offend him, and things should go well." She gestured at him. "Go on. Knock. But not too hard."

"I know how to knock on doors, woman," he said, and did so, not even knocking down the door when he did so.

"Sorry," Yui apologised while at the door. "I get a little patronising when I'm tense."

Yuichiro Rokubungi was an elderly man in his sixties with an over-large pair of glasses and wispy white hair. He ran the little shop in this village. His wife had died a few years back, and his only child, a son, had been a salaryman who had thrown himself in front of a train after being fired. The old man was all alone in the world. As a result, he had been one of the most promising candidates Yui had found for the adoption process.

"So, uh," the old man said. "Miss Ikari, wasn't it? And…" he looked at Gerabanzo, "Gendo. The man who would be my son."

"Yes," said Gerabanzo.

"It is very good to meet you - and you are most kind to agree to meet us on such short notice," Yui said formally. "I saw your advert and how you were looking to adopt a son who might continue your proud family traditions."

"Yes, yes." Hands wrapped around his cane, the old man leaned forwards. "There has been a Rokubungi running a shop here for over three hundred years. My father ran this place before me, and his father before him…"

Gerabanzo tuned out, but paid attention again to hear "... and his father before him, who was granted the land for valiantly and bravely serving his lord."

"How fascinating," Yui said, eyes wide. "Isn't that wonderful?"

"Yes," said Gerabanzo, on the grounds that it seemed like a safe thing to say.

"Moral probity, that's our watchword," old Mr Rokubungi said. "Moral probity and honesty and hard work. A good deed is its own reward, you know, and I could only adopt a son who would keep this shop running and maintain the virtues that has made it what it is today." He tapped his stick on the ground. "Now, if I was to adopt you, I would insist that you demonstrate your character to me - and begin with working with me in the shop. Only then could I know that you are worthy of inheriting such a mighty burden. You will look after me and sustain me in my old age, and then carry forth my legacy."

"Hmm," said Yui Ikari, who had once heard of the phrase 'moral probity', but thought it meant surgically-aided psychoanalysis. She tapped her fingers together. "I can't guarantee that Gendo will continue your business after you're gone," she said. "But I can guarantee you comfort and safety in your old age." She nodded to Gendo.

The saiyan rose, hefting the case in his hand - a bag a human would have found very heavy to lift. Unlocking it, he opened it to reveal North Korean gold bullion generously padded with fake dollar bills.

The old man swallowed. "How much is that worth?"

"Around $10 million, US, at current market values," Yui said calmly.

"Are… are you linked to the yakuza?" the old man asked. He was swaying in his seat slightly.

"No," Gerabanzo answered entirely truthfully and accurately.

"Do… do I want to know who you're linked to?"

"I'm just a man without a family who needs a respectable one," Gerabanzo said. He sighed. "My parents are dead," he added.

"Ah," said the old man, looking between the two of them. "I see how it is."

"So what do you say?"

The elderly Mr Rokubungi stroked his wispy white beard. "Screw the business," he said, eventually. "I've been running this shop for forty years and I'm sick of it! I never wanted to run a shop anyway, but my father forced it on me! Ah ha! I'm going to go buy myself an island in the pacific and retire there! Build myself a house on it, get myself a bevvy of young ladies who might want to keep me comfortable, and live it up! Maybe learn how to surf, hehe! I've been sober and industrious for my whole life, and I'm sick of it!"

Gerabanzo nodded. For all that he was only using this man, this was an attitude he could appreciate. Obviously as a superior saiyan he'd want to retire to a planet rather than an island, but it wasn't a surprise to see a human thinking on a smaller scale.

He glanced sideways at Yui. Apart from her. She didn't really think on the small scale. He was starting to think that perhaps she had been born in the wrong species.

"So there will just be a few conditions," Yui said, taking over and raising one finger. "You'll need to support any legal documents we may ask you to, including functioning as a reference, and-"

"Honey, for ten million dollars I'll do whatever you want," Mr Rokubungi said, wagging his finger at her. "Run around naked screaming about invisible goblins? I'm your man!"

Yui looked tempted, but shook her head. "Some legal testimonies will be quite sufficient, as well as attending various graduations and/or weddings as needed."

"Whatever!" The old man jabbed his finger at Gendo. "Don't expect to inherit anything, son of mine! I intend to spend it all! I'm not leaving you a penny!"

Gerabanzo - now newly Gendo Rokubungi - was grinning as he left the place. "That old man has his priorities right," he said approvingly. "Now, what remains on the checklist?"

Yui scanned down it. "Let's see. We've found you a father. Now we need to file the adoption documentation… that's easy enough." She tapped the paper. "There's a few places we're going to need to break into. Fortunately, that North Korean fake money spends well, so I got Mama to lend me her address book and most of it is taken care of. There are a few government offices you'll need to burn down, though, so the real records are destroyed and they have to reproduce them from the fakes."

Gerabanzo exhaled, tearing off his tie. "Are you going to make me wear cardboard boxes again?" he asked.

"Tempting, but no. No, you'll just be dressed up like a dangerous anarchist." She paused. "Ah! I nearly forgot! But before we get into that, you're going out with me and my flatmate, so you can be introduced to her as a perfectly normal human being. You need to be introduced to my friends!"

Gerabanzo grunted. "Fine," he said sullenly.

"Oh, and Gendo?"

"Yes?"

"If you kill her, I will be extremely angry with you. I don't need the hassle of finding a new flatmate midway through term on top of everything else. She's not a bad girl. She's just…"

The man paused mid-way through pulling off his shirt. "You just trailed away," he said.

"She's… you'll see."

Dinner was a tense experience.

Mari stared at Gendo over the top of the soup. She was holding her spoon as one might hold a dagger, and her gaze indicated that she rather wanted to use it to scoop out his eyeballs.

Gendo stared at Mari. He had refused to relinquish the item of cutlery he had selected for the meal, despite his girlfriend's implications that knives were not used for eating soup.

"This is Mari," Yui said sunnily, trying to ignore the atmosphere. "She's in the year below me, and she's studying biomaterial science. Tell him about your project on the ethics of cybernetics and human enhancement, Mari!"

The other woman adjusted her glasses with her free hand. "It's about cybernetics and human enhancement," she said brusquely. "And whether it's ethical."

"... I was hoping you'd go into a little more detail than that," Yui said. "It's really very interesting."

Gendo grunted.

"No, really, it is! Why don't you explain a bit more about it, Mari? Please?"

Mari laid down her spoon, and cracked her knuckles. "How much do you know about the field of cybernetics research?" she asked in a nasty tone.

"A bit," Gendo said.

"Have you read A Cyborg Manifesto? I read it in the native English, but you'd probably need to find a translation."

"She's part British," Yui said, a little desperately. She was beginning to feel that this might have been a - well, not a mistake, because she didn't make mistakes and she was unquestionably perfect - but a miscalculation. A small one.

"No. I haven't read it," Gendo said.

"Well, then I don't think you could understand the field," Mari said, her tone superior.

Gendo shrugged. "Do you have working field-capable cybernetic arms with full tactile functionality and nerve-interface interlock, made from immuno-neutral materials and biocybernetic materials which ensure a smooth integration with the central nervous system?" he asked, pulling out half-remembered briefings on an alien race they'd encountered once.

"... uh, no."

"Then I don't think you understand the field," he said. He glanced at Yui, his bowl empty. "When is the main course coming?"

"In a little wh-" Yui began.

"Wait just a moment," Mari interrupted. "You're just stringing together buzzwords there! I bet you just read popular science magazines!"

"I don't."

"Ha! That means you can't even read! And you think you can get away with saying that I don't understand the field! What are your qualifications?"

"I am a s-" began Gendo, until a vicious rib elbow from Yui brought him to his senses. Despite the force that her pathetic human body had managed to apply, she was still smiling placidly, albeit somewhat rigidly. "-tudent. I am a student," he concluded. He finally put the knife down, although that was mostly because he had been gripping it so tight it had come apart in his hands.

"Despite how old you are! Ha! Yui, he's an idiot! He's bad for you!"

Yui sipped her drink. "Mari, you're embarrassing yourself," she said calmly. "I had hoped that the two of you were going to be grown-ups around each other." She fluttered her eyelashes at the two of them. "Can you please at least try?"

"... fine," Mari conceded.

Yui shifted to glare at Gendo. He grunted.

"And I think the food is coming," Yui added meaningfully, which managed to shift his glower somewhat.

Mari's expression over the course of the main course turned from annoyance, into disgust, into twisted fascination, and back into disgust as she watched the man sitting opposite to her masticate his way through enough food to feed four people before she was even half done.

In the end, she left quietly with a faintly nauseous expression.

"That could have gone better," Yui said, after she paid the bill. The two of them were walking home together, through the shaded streets of a residential area.

"I know," Gendo said. "But you didn't let me kill her."

"... then again, that could also have gone worse," she added. She sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I promise, most of my friends won't be anywhere near as bad as she is," Yui said quietly.

Gerabanzo shrugged. "If they are, I might kill them."

"Stop that. Please don't kill my friends. Mama will start asking questions if I have to ask her for the telephone number of a specialist in disposing of bodies."

"Well, I think-" began Gerabanzo, before he stopped dead in the street. The clouds had parted, and above him a nearly full moon was shining down.

And it hurt. It hurt so much. The moon wasn't even at its maximum strength yet, but the rays emanating down from it felt wrong. They felt unclean, and not like any other moon he had felt.

Something red-hot spiked behind his eyeballs, and he fell down. There were glowing halos forming around the heads of the few humans he could see, and he could feel his muscles shifting and swelling within him. But this wasn't the power of the Great Ape. This wasn't the pure wrath of the saiyan race made manifest. Black veins shifted under his pale skin, and his tendons complained.

"What's the matter?" Yui asked, concern in her voice.

"Moon. Moon… hurts," he let out, in a bestial snarl. His eyes were glowing a faint red. "G-Get away! Go!"

"I know what to do!" Yui shouted, pulling off her coat. "Hold still, Gendo!"

But the pain spiked again. And then the world went red. And then the world went black.