3. Thoughts.
A week had passed since Hotch had first run into Elle in the hospital, and though he knew that he ought to tell the rest of the team that she was still around, he couldn't bring himself to do it. There was just something about the entire situation that made him stop, and think that maybe, just maybe she wanted a little bit of privacy in her life. Though she had been released from the hospital two days earlier, Hotch had promised that he would have dinner with her one night at her new apartment, but he hadn't called to set it up, hadn't really thought about it at all, if he was really honest with himself. There was far too much work that needed to be done on their new case, and he needed his concentration there; at least the part that wasn't constantly focused on Jack, wanting to be sure that he was alright, and that Jessica was treating him as well as she always had. It wasn't that he doubted that she would look after him; Hotch was just terrified that something would happen to him; something like what happened to Haley.
He was still having nightmares; still seeing her body on the ground, laying there with only one shoe on. If she hadn't been a bloodied mess, she could almost look like she was sleeping, and it was that fact which haunted him most of all. Not even the way that she stood up, and walked towards him, her bloodied corpse screaming at him, telling him that it was all his fault—he woke up in a sweat every time it happened, unable to get back to sleep. He couldn't imagine what sleep must have felt like to others before, it was something that he doubted he'd ever get to experience again, and that was just fine with him. Love only comes once; right?
Glancing down at the papers littering his desk, Hotch sighed, his fingers briskly organizing them into neat piles of things that needed to be sorted, and those that didn't need to be sorted. He was trying to distract himself, and he had to admit that so far it was working, his mind wasn't on the nightmares, the ones from the night before escalating to a point that it was going to be next to impossible to actually sleep at night now. It was one of the many reasons that he took as much of his work home with him that he could stomach, it was easier than sitting in the office, knowing that his team needed him to be at his best, but it was hard. He couldn't be everywhere. He couldn't be at home with his son, and at work with his team, it was too much and sooner or later, Hotch knew that he was going to have to make a real choice between the two.
Her apartment was so quiet that sometimes it didn't even feel like there was anyone that actually lived there. It was the peace that Elle had once sought to stay away from, but after events from the past few years, she felt that the quiet was the one thing she really needed in her life, of that there was no question. Tossing her keys down in the bowl on the kitchen bench, she sighed, and poured herself a cup of coffee. The rich aroma filled her senses with joy at the mere smell; a small smile crossed her lips as she made her way back into the living room. The house was locked up, completely secure as it had been ever since she had come back from the hospital. Too afraid to let her guard down any longer, Elle had taken to actually using her security system, especially after she had bought herself a new DVD player, but she didn't feel like watching anything. The longer she sat on her old purple lounge, the longer she realised that she missed everything about her old life.
She missed catching the bad guys, and making sure that they were actually put away for good. She missed the way that the team was always there for everyone when they needed it, perhaps she should have thought more about that before leaving in the first place. It wasn't as if she hadn't wanted their help, although that had certainly been part of it, for sure, Elle just wasn't sure how to ask for help in the first place. Biting down on her bottom lip she stared into the coffee mug held between her hands, and sighed deeply. She couldn't go back, no matter how much she wanted to at that point in time, she just couldn't let that happen. Too much had happened there, and there was a niggling part of her that was almost afraid of what would happened if they had finally found the proof that she'd killed Lee in cold blood.
Shivering with the fear, Elle clutched her coffee mug even tighter, both hands wrapped around the ceramic after taking a bit of care to ensure that she wasn't going to break it. Memories of that day; of that moment came back to her, and no matter how hard she fought to control things, they just didn't seem to go away. Closing her eyes, Elle tried to breathe, but it almost seemed as though she had stopped breathing altogether. Biting down on her bottom lip, Elle shook involuntarily until the sound of the doorbell ringing made her stop. Opening her eyes, the brunette stood up, and slowly made her way to the door. Peeking through hole, she quickly noticed Hotch standing there, as though he was coming immediately from work. Her mind began to drive her crazy, but as she shut her eyes even tighter than before, as she fought the urge to open the door.
The doorbell rang once more before Hotch got the message, and walked away from the door, but before he did, he slipped a piece of paper beneath her door. Glancing down, Elle watched as it slid past her left foot, and her curiosity grew. She hadn't really had much of a reason to not answer the door to Hotch, he hadn't done anything to her, but for some reason, she just wanted to be alone, and left to her own thoughts, as though she was afraid that when he had found her in that hospital, it had brought up so many things that she had forgotten about. Things that she wasn't even sure she wanted to remember, it was all so long ago. Leaning down to pick up the piece of paper on the floor, fear seemed to grip her and she didn't know why that was. There was simply no way of knowing what was written on the paper, but a part of her feared it because she didn't know, and it was so much easier when she didn't know.
"The last time you sent me home, Hotch, you got me shot!" Her own furious words seemed to haunt her, and with a gasp, Elle's grip on the paper faltered, and it fluttered to the ground as she wrenched the door open. "HOTCH!"
He was already gone, she could just see the back of his car as it turned at the corner of her street, but still, Elle stood in the doorway, staring at the corner of the street as though she could will him to come back to her, but for what? He was only a friend…wasn't he? Turning around, Elle picked up the piece of paper that had fallen from her fingers, and unfolded it carefully as she tried to stop her hands from shaking as she read it.
Elle,
I know that you're still in there, probably ignoring me, or asleep, but I just wanted you to know that I miss you already. I don't even know why, but I just do. You know my number, just call me and we can work something out, or else I'll call you. Or, just turn up.
Aaron Hotchner.
He wasn't even sure why he had left her that letter, it was one of the strangest things that he had done in the longest time, but Hotch couldn't help himself. He hadn't really thought all that much about her when she was part of the team, but now that she was gone, everything was different; literally everything. Haley was gone, but he still ached for her in ways that a normal person would have tried to get rid of. All he wanted was for her to be able to tell him what to do, to be there still, but that wasn't possible. Foyet had taken her away from him, and Jack. Hotch didn't know what he would have done if Jack had been killed too.
As the thoughts raced around in his head, he began to drive, with no particular destination in mind, but he found himself at the cemetery. It was empty, and the flowers that littered the graves all around him told him that people had been around, visiting those whom they had loved and lost, and it made him sad to think that no one stayed around long enough anymore. Parking the car, he pulled the keys out of the ignition and sat there, staring out the windscreen at nothing in particular for a little while longer, before he finally got the courage to get out, and walk. His feet trekked the path to Haley's grave, and with every step towards it, he started to feel slightly more at peace with his decision. Coming here was the right thing to do, even if he still didn't understand why he had come in the first place, it still felt right.
The bench directly across from her grave was empty, and as he sank onto it, he exhaled deeply, and began to play with the tie around his neck absentmindedly.
"I wish you could tell me what to do now, you were always the one who knew me inside out without needing to profile me…" His words were a gentle whisper, but they still echoed around the cemetery. "I keep doing these things, and I don't know why I do them, but I do. I want to see her, but I don't understand it whatsoever." There was so much pain and confusion in his voice that the words didn't seem to matter, just as long as he continued to speak, and he didn't allow himself to give in to the thoughts that were starting to drive him crazy in ways that he had never thought possible.
"I'm so sorry Haley, I broke my promise to you such a long time ago, but it feels so real. I will tell Jack all about you, in every single way that I can, but it's so hard without you…"
The cemetery was so empty that Hotch was certain that he could hear the whispers of people from the graves in his ear, telling him that he was a fool, but he tried so hard to ignore them, and act like they were only the gremlins in his head that he had been fighting from such a young age. If he told himself that they were the gremlins, that thought would eventually become the truth, and then they would go away. As darkness fell, Hotch glanced up at Haley's grave, and got to his feet slowly, his own words echoing in his mind. It was better than the thoughts and the words of others, but it still didn't help him understand anything, and that was really the only thing that he needed to know and to understand.
The darkness fell over her apartment like a thick blanket of fog covering everything that was in it's reach. Staring at the blank television screen, Elle was lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of the past, of the present and the future, all twisting themselves into glorious patterns of colours and sounds that made her head ache with the throbbing that she had become so accustomed to after the shooting. If she wasn't careful, she'd eventually feel Garner's fingers in her wounds again. Almost as soon as the thought came to mind, her fingers brushed the scar that hadn't faded over the years, and winced slightly, biting down on the inside of her cheek. Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the telephone, and as she reached across the pick up the receiver, she groaned, and tried to imagine who could possibly be ringing her at that hour; it could only be one here.
"Greenaway."
NOTE: A word of thanks to every single one of you for the reviews, and also for actually reading this fan-fic. I don't usually write them, in fact this is the second one that I have ever attempted, and I honestly didn't think that I would be getting anywhere near the sort of response that I have been getting. I won't stop writing it; I can assure you now, and if I don't post for some time, don't despair because I'm committed to this fan-fic and I will get around to it. I like to post a few chapters at a time, and I'm still trying to get used to this site, but I have so much in the works for future chapters.