Severus Snape's Guide to Hogwarts
Chapter Two - The Students of Hogwarts.
Students are, perhaps, the most inauspicious part of being a teacher. However, one cannot be a teacher if one has no students to teach. Consequently, the most efficient way of teaching a class is to keep one step ahead of them at all times. To do this, you must delve into their subconscious minds, and understand exactly how they work. Not only does this give you the advantage of knowing what they will do before they attempt it, you can also prepare effective disciplinary measures beforehand. This chapter gives prospective teachers an insight into the minds of each year level. I have also categorised students into general stereotypes prevalent in the school. I will teach you how to recognise them, where to find them, and how to deal with them
Year levels.
First years - Most easily intimidated and manipulated. This is the moulding year, in which you can sculpt them into what you want them to be in the future years. Always keep in mind that you have six more years teaching them - do not give them an inch, or they will take a mile, your dignity and any chance you might have of teaching them anything worthwhile in the future.
Second years - Most accident-prone, as are not as cautious and eager to please as in first year. They are much more confident than firsts, and they believe they have seen everything and done everything the year before. Keep them on their toes with new punishments, and hard work - remind them at all times who is in charge.
Third years - Most noisy and disruptive. Very little surprises the third years, as if they have not seen it, by now they will have probably heard about it. This makes them less attentive in class, and more interested in making things "exciting". Punishment should be strict, hard, painful and often, to wear them out.
Fourth years - Most cocky and deceitful. Well on their way into adolescence, fourth years are exhibitionists, constantly on show for the opposite sex. By this age, they are proficient liars, and no excuses should be permitted. Punishment should be embarrassing, humbling and preferably in front of an audience.
Fifth years - Most likely to fail. The importance of O.W.L's (Ordinary Wizarding Levels) is quite often lost on fifth years, who continue to caper around like preschoolers. Make sure that work given is taxing and overcompensating for the past four years of mucking around. Punishments should include, but should by no means be limited to, extra homework, oppressive manual labour, and complex mind games.
Sixth years - Most raging hormones and idiotic stunts. With O.W.L's over and done with, the eyes and attentions of the sixth years turn overtly toward the opposite sex. With students engaging in many idiotic stunts in the hopes of catching their cherished ones' eye - not to mention the copious amounts of love potions gone wrong - the sixth years have a rather high casualty rate. Punishments should preferably be made into public spectacles.
Seventh years - Most studious when realise have not learnt anything in past 6 years. Punishments should remind them how stupid they are, and how much of both your and their time they have wasted. Any revenge you have been putting off should be dealt with now, as this will be your last chance.
Stereotypes.
The Heroes.
The most conceited and big-headed in school, the Heroes are often raised high above their positions, and consequently let a lot of people down when they fall short of expectations. - Most likely found: in Gryffindor; surrounded by blindly adoring fans and tag-alongs (see below). - Best punishment: something humiliating and humbling - preferably in full view of admirers.
The Tag-Alongs.
The tag-alongs are the students who are most likely to never develop a personality of their own. They befriend the Heroes and are often ignored by anyone else. - Most likely found: near Hero (see above). - Best punishment: anything without Hero.
The Jocks.
Jocks are most likely to be incapable of any conversation other than Quidditch, and are therefore unlikely to achieve well in class, unless their sporting career is jeopardised by this. - Most likely found: on the Quidditch pitch. - Best punishment: ban from all sports-related activities.
The "Intellectuals"/Brown-nosers.
Some of the most annoying students in the school are in this category, because they expect their hard work to be acknowledged and appreciated by teachers. - Most likely found: in library. - Best punishment: fail next assignment
Troublemakers/Attention seekers.
Usually to cover up their own stupidity, troublemakers are most likely not to listen during class while plotting new ways to disrupt. - Most likely found: in detention. - Best punishment: energy sapping and isolated from other students.
The Idiots.
These students undoubtably went for a walk, got lost, and ended up at Hogwarts quite by accident. They are most likely to fail, most likely to set others on fire, and most likely to set themselves on fire. - Most likely found: in tears, or in hospital wing. Usually both. - Best punishment: hard and often.
The Squealer/Tattle-tale/Snitch
These students are most likely to have an inferiority complex, and will remain bitter towards Heroes (see above) for life. - Most likely found: spying, plotting and scheming. - Best punishment: with Hero.
not to be confused with Quidditch term.
Prefects and Head students.
Usually the promoted form of "Intellectuals"/Brown-nosers, Prefects and Head students are glorified suck- ups and are just as needy for teacher approval. - Most likely found: disciplining fellow peers, also have power to take points off them. - Best punishment: something illegal that will preferably damage their chances of gaining high-power jobs.
Students can be the most strenuous part of a teaching job, however with enough hard work and carefully chosen punishments, they can be intimidated into slightly better behaved people. This is only a basic overview of the general Hogwarts student body however, and should be used only as a stepping stone to greater understanding - each individual student has their own weaknesses, and with years of practise and careful observation, you will be able to exploit these to their full potential.