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03 She's Only Giving Me Pain

Five weeks.

It's been five weeks since Derek left. Five weeks since she slept with her husband's best friend for the first time. Five weeks since her husband found them in bed. Five weeks since her life fell apart. And people keep thinking she's hurting because it's been since weeks since the end of her marriage.

But that's not true.

It's been years since the end of her marriage. Years since they meant an I love you, years since they made love instead of having sex, years since they were DerekandAddison. The end of her marriage is not what hurts. What hurts is, the past five weeks have been oddly similar to the last five years. Except for the three times she's had sex with Mark. But that's not the point.

The point is, she's still waiting. Still cooking – or buying, it doesn't really matter – for two and throwing away his part. Still hoping he'll come home, even though she knows he won't. And that's her marriage, right there. It hasn't changed with him leaving. It's all the same. That's what hurts.

Her life fell apart, but it has nothing to do with Derek.

Her life fell apart because now it's all out there for everyone to see. She can't hide behind her seemingly perfect marriage. And people talk and whisper, and they wait for her to crack. But she won't. Because not having him doesn't hurt as much as they think it does. It did, at first. But it happened behind the perfect façade of being DerekandAddison. The tears, the fights and the pain, it all happened years ago. Right now, it's just a dull ache, and she's so used to it she hardly ever notices anymore. So she won't crack.

Does she miss him? Everyday. She misses her Derek. The one who woke her up with kisses and fell asleep holding her close to him. The one who didn't need to tell her he loved her, because he proved it everyday. She's been missing him every day for five years. The other Derek, though, the one who didn't call and didn't show up for days, the one who said he loved her out of practice, the one who left five weeks ago... she doesn't miss that Derek.

But she does miss Mark. Having him to take her out when her house started making her feel claustrophobic. Having him to talk to when she needed him. Having him to hold her when she needed to be weak for a while. Sleeping with Mark didn't make her life fall apart because it made Derek go away. It made her life fall apart because it changed her friendship with Mark.

It was a mistake. Because it hurt Derek – and she never wanted that – and because it changed the way she felt about Mark. And now she doesn't have DerekandAddison to hide behind, and she doesn't have Mark to make it better. And that's what hurts.

Addison gets home after a long day at work – long because of the surgeries and the sympathetic smiles – and her phone rings as soon as she closes the door behind her. She picks up hoping it's mark – he's called a few times since the last "mistake" in her office – but it's not Mark's voice on the other side of the line.

"Nancy?"

"Addie. How are you doing?" Addison doesn't really know what to say. "I'm... okay." She knows Nancy didn't call just to make small talk. "Derek called last night." And Addison's heart beats faster, and she hates herself for letting him affect her that much. "Where is he?" She hears Nancy sigh on the phone, and she knows what she's going to say. "He doesn't want us to tell you, Addie. I just... thought I'd let you know he's fine."

She nods to herself, because she's not really surprised. "Nancy... I didn't want to hurt your brother. I'm sorry." She hears another sigh. "I know, Addie. We all know." Addison tries not to cry, because the Shepherds are still her family, but she knows it'll never be the same. "Have you talked to your lawyer yet?" Addison tenses up at her words. "Not yet. I... have to go, Nance. I'll talk to you some other time."

He's not coming back.

And she decides it's time to stop waiting, and she goes to her room and into her closet, grabbing some clothes and packing her bags. He's fine, and she needs to start moving on. Or try to. And she can't do it in this house. She puts on her coat and grabs her bags, and she leaves without looking back.

She needs to move on.

The phone rings in Mark's apartment a few hours later, startling him awake. He groans and gets up, still groggy after just two hours of sleep. He hasn't been sleeping a lot lately. At first, it was the guilt keeping him awake. Guilt because he slept with his best friend's wife, and because he ruined his best friends' marriage. The guilt subsided after a few weeks, though. When he realized Derek had left her for good. If he was stupid enough not to fight for her, he didn't deserve his guilt.

In the past few weeks, though, his lack of sleep has been because of her. Because of his feelings for her and her lack of feelings for him. It must be Karma, he thinks. Karma who thinks it's awfully funny that, after years of playing with women, he finally falls in love and it's with her. With her best friend's wife. With a woman who doesn't love him back. And that's what's keeping him awake.

"Mark?"

He recognizes her voice as soon as he puts the phone to his ear. And she's not all right. He knows that voice. The voice from all the forgotten anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. The voice she only has after being hurt by Derek. "Addie, are you all right?" It's a stupid question, but he knows her, and he knows she likes to think people don't notice when she's upset. She likes to think she's above letting her emotions show.

"I dyed my hair." And Mark tries to crack her code, but, for once, he can't. "You dyed your hair?" He hears her sniffle on the other side of the line. "Yeah. Blond. It looks terrible." He knows it's not about the hair, but he also knows she'll only talk about the real issue when she feels like it. "I'm sure you look beautiful, Addie." And he means it.

"No. It's awful. I look like a whore. And I thought blondes had more fun, but I'm not feeling the fun, Mark." He sits on his couch, ready for a long talk. Because this is one of those days. "You're a redhead inside. You can't fake the blondeness." She chuckles slightly. "Blondeness? Is that even a word?" And he smiles, because she's laughing, and everything's all right in the world. "I just used it, right? Then it's a word."

He let her laugh for a moment before he decided to go back to the real conversation. "Why did you dye your hair, Addie?" She hesitates before answering his question. "Because I moved out." And then it clicks. She's given up. "Did he..." She interrupts him before he can finish. "No. Nancy. He really is gone, Mark." He sighs, because he's been waiting for this for weeks. She's hurting, but at least she's not in denial anymore. "Where are you?" She sounds slightly embarrassed when she answers. "At the Four Seasons."

He chuckles into the phone. "The Four Seasons? You're kind of a snob, aren't you?" He can feel her smile when she speaks again. "Do you not know me at all?" Mark smirks at her words, because the old Addie's finally back. "You're the biggest snob on Earth. But it's part of your charm."

He hears her chuckle behind the tears, and – even though he knows it goes against the rules of their new telephonic friendship – he wants to make the tears go away. Because he's gotten great at that over the last five years. "Addie? Do you want me to go there?" And he doesn't really know what he wants her to say.

"No."

The tinge of pain he feels tells him that's not what he wanted to her. "Not yet, Mark. No more naked mistakes." And he tries to change her mind, because it seems like the thing to do. "It doesn't have to be that way. Nothing will happen. You can trust me." She sighs before replying, and for a moment he thinks she's going to say she doesn't. "I trust you, Mark. I just don't trust myself."

He doesn't really know what to think of that. He could take the chance and tell her how he feels. Maybe this is one of those moments when you can make your life change. But he hears her sniffle, and making her stop crying becomes the first thing he wants to do. Changing his life can wait. "Well, if it makes it easier, I can wear my most unattractive clothes. Hide my irresistible sex-appeal."

She lets out a small chuckle, and he relaxes again. As long as he can make her laugh, everything's fine in the world. "I don't think that'd be enough. It's not just the sex-appeal." And, once again, Mark doesn't know what to say. Because he doesn't want to let himself believe she's saying what he thinks she's saying. "Don't freak out, though. It's just me going insane. But with the new hair and the new address, it'll go away soon."

He knows it's his moment. The moment when he tells her he loves her, he's loved her for years, and it doesn't have to go away. But he feels her hopeful smile when she says it will go away, and he knows she really wants it to. So he pushes the feelings aside, to the place where they've been locked for the past ten years. "Good. I know I'm sexy and all, but you have to control yourself, woman."

She laughs again, and he knows hearing that sound is worth hurting a bit. Because it hurts worse when she cries. "I'll let you go back to sleep now. Thanks for listening, Mark." And he nods as if she could see him. "Anytime." He can feel her smile, because she knows he means it. "Night, Mark."

"Goodnight, Addie."