Recovery: Chapter Three

Lying in bed that night, I felt more lonelier than ever. This always happens after good feelings; the bad poured right in. At random times I could get use to the numbing feelings, but not after the good, happy feelings, because the happy feelings were so foreign to me. It's like I've never felt that way before, or I forgot a long time ago. What I'm trying to explain doesn't make sense; it sounds a lot different in my head. A lot of things do. Like, when I was with Axel and I had pictured cuddling better in my head, compared to the actual cuddles that took place.

I actually felt embarrassed about everything that happened, like how he was so clingy but I knew that wasn't my fault. I wanted to call Sora, but it was already 2am. I just wanted someone to rant to, and he was good for that, but he was probably already asleep so I decided not to bother him.

I hated not being able to sleep at night. At the hospital, I had good sleep. But that's because they were giving me sleeping pills. And now I didn't have any and it would probably either be a couple hours or a day or two before I got any sleep. I could go days without sleeping. It scared me, cause I would start to hallucinate. It was pretty mild, like by hallucinations I mean things seemed more intense like sounds and such, or like the ceiling would wave around a bit or I would hear my name really loud even though no one was there. It made me feel crazy, knowing that I had a chemical imbalance in my head.

Later that night I was able to sleep, but I had a really weird dream. I couldn't tell who was in my dream, and maybe it was a flashback type of dream. I have those sometimes. But in my dream, there was a man standing by the corner of my house. He was smoking a cigarette. I came up to him, and he asked me if I wanted one. He lit one for me, and I just kind of stood there, inhaling and exhaling. I couldn't tell if I had known him before or not, at least not in my dream. He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere, to a club or something. I told him it was too late, and that I was underaged. He put his cigarette out, and he grabbed me by the waist and started kissing me. I tried pulling away, but he pulled me closer, his tongue stirring inside my mouth. He slipped his hand down my pants and I tried screaming but he kept holding me close and kept tongue kissing me. The dream ended there. When I woke up, I had a feeling something like this had actually happened to me before, but I couldn't remember. Sometimes when things happen I just forget about them, especially if it's something unwanted or something that could fuck me up if I thought about it too much.

That dream kind of made me wish Axel was holding me again; this time it would be different, it would be more wanted. Or maybe I just wish anybody could protect me. After all, I met Axel the night before; that was less than 24 hours ago. Maybe I should wait before I give him a call/bother him. But the way he was acting last night, it didn't seem like I could bother him. Maybe because he was wasted? I don't know.

It was summer time; I had just gotten out of school a few weeks before. That's why I did my suicide attempt then; I had it all planned out for months. Some sliver in me wanted to not die, but the majority of my insides and head did. There really wasn't much to do, except hang out with Sora and Riku. They were my close friends, I preferred them over acquaintances. I had plenty of those. I use to be very social. Sora, Riku, and I use to hang out with tons of people every weekend. I'd always be meeting new people, and they liked me. But then shit happened and that stopped. I can't really imagine me doing that again. At least, there was tons of partying when we went out. I was very nervous about that party last night, but I did need a night out with my friends.

I was surprised Sora and Riku let me go out with Axel. Maybe they knew him from somewhere? They knew more people than I did. Sora was way more outgoing than me, and Riku was always by his side. I wish I had someone like Riku, someone I could love, be cute with, someone always by my side. Riku moved in with Sora a couple months ago; I wish someone could move in with me. When I imagine it, there is no face. I have never been in love before. I can only imagine what it's like.

Sora described being in love as you want to do everything for that person. They are the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think about when you go to bed at night. You always want to be by their side and be there for them. You want to make them feel loved and happy. They're all you really want. They're your reason for living. I don't have a reason for living, but I want one. I want to be happy, I really do. But nothing makes me happy. I don't know if that's my fault or not.

I spent that day just bumming it. But the next day, Sora called.

"Hey, Rox. Let's go out tonight!" He said cheerfully into his phone.

"Again? Sora, we went out like, two days ago." I moaned.

"So? I go out all the time. Plus, you need some extra fun in your life." It sounded like he was about to lecture me.

"Fine. Call when you're almost here." I hung up the phone, ready to claw my eyes out. Maybe if Axel was involved, I'd like it. Was he? I was tempted to call and ask, but some part of me doubted it. Even though I hardly knew Axel, I had all these conflicting feelings for him. It was weird. I guess I would have to hang out with him more to sort these feelings out. Well, when I first met people I always had conflicting feelings towards them. It's such a weird thing. I try to get use to my weirdness, but I just can't.

It was late when Sora and Riku came to pick me up, but my mom was already asleep and she's a heavy sleeper so I just kind of snuck out. She wouldn't mind, as long as I didn't come home trashed or something.

I hopped into their convertible, "Where are we going?"

"To a rave!" Sora cheered.

"Oh, you mean one of those shitty underground raves with lots of drugs, most of which are shitty?" I retorted. Raves weren't really my thing. It wash't my type of music, not my scene. I hated how some peopled dressed up. And most people acted like idiots on all their drugs.

"Hey, you can be straight edge at a rave." Riku implied.

"Yeah, Rox. Lighten up a bit, will ya?" Sora scoffed. I just crossed my arms, letting my head fall back and feeling the wind in my face, the cool night chill. I watched the stars shine, the pale moon making me paler. There was something about nighttime that fascinated me.

Finally, we got to destination shithole. I hopped out the car, seeing that the entrance was packed. Why would so many people stand around the entrance? That's sketch. I swear, some people at these things are idiots.

We went inside, and sure enough but who was there?: Axel. Yep, you guessed right. He looked skinny and lanky as ever. How does he grow so much if he looks like he never had a meal in his life? But for some reason, he had wide hips, which I found interestingly weird. Oh, and the tattoos on his face. Fitting for this kind of scene.

"Hey, there's your boyfriend!" Sora laughed, pushing me towards said redhead.

"Hell no, he's not! Why don't you go fuck yours, huh?" I was surprised how angry I was by his remark.

"Just go have fun, okay?" Sora smiled. Sheesh, how was he so damn friendly all the time?

I shyly walked up to Axel. He was by himself, against a wall but dancing to the beat. This music made me want to shove my own shit in my ears. I know, disgusting analogy.

"Hey, Axel." I approached him.

"Hey, Roxas!" He eagerly hugged me. He gave very tight, hard hugs. I love those type of hugs, even if they are overly-friendly.

"How have you been these past couple days, cutie?" He smirked, his hands on his hips. He looked over-the-top gay, which he did last time, too. I had a feeling he looked like that a lot. But I liked it. It made him stick out.

"I've been okay. Kind of lonely." I was honest.

"Aw, why? You missed me?" He leaned down to give me a peck on the cheek. It was cute. But I didn't want to admit to him that I did miss him. I'd feel too vulnerable, if that makes sense.

"I've just been alone." I gave a faint smile, blush coming on my cheeks from his kiss.

"Well, I saw you with your friends, so you're not completely alone, right? Plus, you have me, too. Even if we've only hung out once before." He was such a sweet guy. Well, he gave you that impression, but I could tell he wasn't. Those confused feelings were rising again.

"Do you want to go smoke a cigarette?" He asked, "I haven't had one in a couple of hours."

"Sure, why not." I was in one of those fuck-it-i'm-gonna-die-anyways type of moods. I deserved to be in that type of mood.

We went outside and sat on a curb. He handed me a cigarrete and lit it for me. I inhaled. Since I hadn't smoked in a while, it hit me hard, giving me a head rush. I loved a good buzz.

"I wish we could ditch, but I don't want to leave your friends behind," Axel began, "I just want to spend alone time with you. I haven't been feeling the party scene as much anymore. Well, since we met, even if it was two days ago. I'd heard you be here, so I came."

"Wait, who did you hear that from!?" I was shocked. I hate it when people talk about me.

"Sora. I know him from parties. He's a cool dude."

"That's my best friend," I smiled, "He is really cool. I love him to death,"

"You're really cool, too," Axel smiled, "Don't you think it's weird I just want to spend so much time with you even though we just met?"

"Eh, not really," I began, "I've been tempted to call you. But, I don't know, I don't really call anybody anyways." I felt bad saying that. I don't know why.

"Hey, what's your number? I'll put it in my contacts. That way I can call you." I told him my number, and he added it to his phone. I just hoped he wouldn't call me 24/7. I don't think I could handle anybody doing that.

I put out my cigarette. Axel had finished his a minute before me. "Want to head back inside?" He asked.

"Nah, I do kind of want to ditch this place. It sucks, this isn't my scene." I told him the truth, hoping he wouldn't get offended. He didn't seem like the type to get offended too easily, but who knows.

"What is your scene then?" He asked.

"Alone, in my room." He laughed.

"Hey I was being honest!" I lightly punched him, laughing. A weird, jittery feeling rose in my stomach. Butterflies? I hadn't felt that in a while. It was always the bad type of feeling in my stomach. This time it was the good kind.

"I'll send Sora a text," Axel began texting away, "and we can go somewhere and then I'll take you home."

He walked me to his Jeep, and I easily hopped in because no doors. "Y'know, Axel. It makes me nervous as hell that there's no doors."

"Oh, if you wear your seatbelt you'll be just fine." He reassured me, but I was still nervous.

He pulled out of the parking lot and sped away. "So, where are we going, by chance?" I asked.

"There's a park around here. It has benches and stuff. I was thinking we could just sit down and talk. Is that okay with you?" He asked, driving one-handed.

"Yeah, that sounds great," I smiled. I could feel myself begin to open up a little. That was hard for me. Really hard, actually.

A/N: Muhahaha cliff hanger :D review please!