For wisdom-of-me (read her fics here and check her out on the tumblrs)
This is a little gift for my pal wisdom-of-me for adreamingsongbird's secret santa group. It was a lot of fun to write and I'm semi-happy with how it turned out. It's DaveJade, with a healthy dose of JohnRose because I'm weak.
Shit. Let's be Santa. (Dave/Jade)
Twas the night before Christmas, and together on LOHAC,
everyone was celebrating this holiday throwback.
Fore there would never be anymore nights such as this,
not since our sweet beta kids turned the earth into mist.
"It was really nice of Dave to throw this party," Said John.
"He even went out and bought us some flan!"
"This Flan is out of date." Grumbled Rose without cheer.
"John, I forget as to why we even came here."
"To celebrate, of course. Tomorrow's December twenty-fifth!
It's our job to make sure that Christmas doesn't fade into myth."
"While the intentions may be good, I can't help but fear,
That Dave will somehow taint your Christmas so dear.
Smuppets, apple juice, and rubbish rhymes galore.
Please, let us abscond home before our ears are rapped sore."
Before John could urge his friend to give this party a chance,
Jade waltzed in, doing a sweet holiday dance.
"Oh me! Oh my!" The girl spun with glee.
Isn't this the greatest party you ever did see?"
"No one is even here," Rose gestured around Dave's apartment, where no one was festing,
Save for the Mayor, who wore a holiday sweater that was quite fetching.
"I do not understand how you guys can be so forgiving.
Dave has truly thrown a party for this holiday that is most unfitting."
"More people will show up." Reassured Jade. "You'll see.
In the meantime, who wants to help me decorate this awesome Christmas tree?!"
Rose sat and watched as Jade and John got to work,
Merrily tossing tinsel and ornaments onto a tree chopped by Dirk.
"This isn't Christmas." Fumed Rose silently,
"There are a million and one other places that I'd rather be.
I have spells to craft and books to read.
I'm simply here because I followed John's lead."
"I'll just slip away." She thought as she rose from her chair.
"Everyone will be happier without a scrooge in their hair."
But before she could make it out the door and escape,
Dave sauntered in, dripping LOFAF snow from his red god-tier cape.
"Going somewhere, Lalonde?" He greeted with a smirk.
"The party's just getting started. Take a seat, you big jerk."
"Just getting started, huh?" Rose mocked, looking out into the hall.
"Where's everyone else? My invitation boasted of a party not small."
"There's been some trouble," Admitted Dave. "My invitations yielded no profit.
They were all sent back with that mail-babe from Prospit."
"So no one else is coming?" Asked Jade with a frown.
"Nope." Answered Dave. "Just us and the Mayor of Can Town."
"That's awful! Sorry, Mayor. I don't mean to be rude.
It's just that I spent so much time cooking all this Christmas food."
"Not to mention, we've got all of these presents for them." Added John.
"I was really looking forward to giving Vriska my copy of Wrath of Kahn."
"Screw it!" Jade threw her hands in the air. "We can't give up just because things look grim.
If they won't come to Christmas, then we'll just bring Christmas to them!"
Jade's eyes lit up as she was struck by a sudden thought,
She had an idea insure that all her hard work wasn't for naught.
Together, she and her friends would travel the night sky,
Delivering presents and gifts to all who refused to stop by.
"Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" She asked.
Everyone but Dave, understood what they'd been tasked.
"A Christmas adventure!" John clapped in applause.
"I've wanted to do this since I saw 'The Santa Clause'!"
"We'll need a sleigh! And reindeer! And Rudolph too!"
"Guys," Said Rose. "I think you should pause and really think this through.
Being Santa for a night isn't all games and fun.
Our troll friends live on the furthest reaches of the green sun.
It'll take all night for your Christmas plans to come true."
"Come on, Rose." Urged John. "Do you have anything better to do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, there are other places where I am missed."
"But none," Interrupted Jade "As cool and fun as this!
You're right Rose, this isn't going to be easy!
That's why we need you to stay! Pretty pleeeasy!"
As Rose looked at Jade's sad, puppy dog eyes,
She couldn't bring herself to fabricate anymore lies.
Because in truth, if Rose wasn't there,
She'd be back home, alone, with only a book to give care.
Lalonde made a decision, one that was wise,
To stay and help her friends, in their quest through the skies.
"Fine, let's do this. You can count me in.
I suppose it isn't so bad to do something silly now and then."
With their party now consisting of three,
Jade expectantly turned to Dave and waited for him to agree.
"Pretending to be Santa is ironic." Dave said with a shrug.
"Especially when- oof!" Jade cut him off with a hug.
"I knew I could count on you!" She grinned into his chest.
"You're a good friend, some might even say the best!"
"Yeah, heh, friend." Dave muttered, as he stuck his hand in his pocket
And clutched a very romantic, bejeweled, and sexy-looking locket.
"Tonight is the night." He thought, with resolve like steel.
"It's time to nut up and tell Jade how you feel.
You'll give her your present, maybe get a smooch in return,
And throw some logs onto this relationship fire you've always wanted to burn."
With his plan set, like stone in his mind,
Dave turned his attention to getting his friends out of their Christmas bind.
"So," He said. "I guess we can call this party a wash,
And instead get to work playing Santa. Like a boss.
We only have a few hours left until Christmas day,
So I guess we better get started building this G.D. sleigh."
Jade grabbed some paper, a few pens too,
And began to imagine what they would need to make a sleigh that flew.
"We'll need an engine." She decided. "With over 5,300,000 newtons of thrust!
Some seatbelts, a windshield, and a radio is a must!
There's some stuff at my house that I know we can use.
Come on, guys. Let's go! There's no time to lose."
John, Rose, and Dave watched as Jade sprinted from the room,
Her little heart set on saving Christmas from doom.
After a moment of waiting, Jade walked back in.
"Uh, sorry. Got a little excited. Haha. Let me just teleport us then."
"That'd be a good idea," Said John with a laugh,
Then, with a flash of green, our group jumped to LOFAF.
Our heroes got to work, quickly crafting the tools
That they'd need to teach Christmas to all of those ignorant, troll fools.
Jade built the engine with her impressive tech knowledge
That would have impressed anyone from a pretentious, high-level college.
John used his hammer and crafted the sleigh,
That would definitely need to complete their mission before day.
Rose plotted their course with a compass and a few maps,
And lastly, Dave kept them motivated with some bodacious holiday raps:
"The door bell rings. Check it. The party's here
I'm spinnin these records, like it's New Year
Walkin' 'round the house. Baby, who's Da Man?
Ain't nobody do it like Strider can?"
Rose turned to John and gave him a pointed look.
John shrugged in response. Dave could have done worse in his book.
After hours and hours of laborious toil,
Jade topped off their creation with a tiny star made of foil.
They all stood back to admire what they had done.
"Alright" Jade grinned."Now here comes the fun!
Let's load up the presents, the gifts, and the treasure
And get to dishing out some much-needed holiday pleasure."
As all the gifts were stacked on the sleigh up high,
John was struck with a thought that caused him to sigh.
"What's the matter, John?" Asked Rose with concern,
Since what could cause him woe was impossible for her to discern.
"Oh nothing!" Said John, attempting to save some face.
"Now isn't really the time for this, or the place."
"I don't understand. What's got you all flustered?
Was it something you ate? Was it my home-made custard?"
"No. No. You're cooking was fine!
That has nothing to do with this anguish of mine.
To tell you the truth, it's not anything unpleasant."
He groaned. "I just forgot to get you a present."
Rose was taken aback with John's self-imposed guilt,
As she watched his once-joyous expression start to wilt.
"Don't be ridiculous," She gave him a tender embrace.
"The only gift I need is to see your smiling face."
John rolled his eyes. "That was incredibly corny."
"Yeah, I know, but it's better than being thorny."
"There's nothing wrong with thorns, especially on roses."
"You really think so?" She whispered as they gently touched noses.
"Yeah." John found himself, frozen in place,
With his lips mere inches from sweet Rose's face.
"You should tell me more about this thorn fascination."
Rose muttered, as her heart fluttered with that romantic vibration.
Jade and Dave watched from afar as their companions locked lips,
Rose's arms around his neck and John's around her hips.
"Isn't that the cutest, Dave?" Jade asked with a sigh.
"Oh shit." She blinked. "I think I'm gonna cry."
Dave fumed in silence, as Jade continued to watch in wonder
His best bro was stealing all the romantic thunder!
How could Dave possibly expect to top this?
Nothing could beat the classic, Christmas-time kiss.
He couldn't give up though. Dave still had to try.
He'd have to be an idiot to let tonight's opportunity pass by.
"I just gotta wait for the perfect time to strike."
He thought as he watched Jade heft a present that was obviously a bike.
While Rose and John finished eating each other's faces,
Dave and Jade climbed aboard the sleigh and took up their places.
"I'll drive." Said Jade, as she manically grinned with glee.
"After all, I built this thing. No one can fly it better than me."
"I dunno." Said Dave. "You haven't even passed your driver's test."
"And neither did you." Jade couldn't help but jest.
"Face it, Dave. I'm the most qualified here
to fly a sleigh that isn't run by reindeer."
Dave just nodded. He wasn't going to argue,
He just buckeled up and called the rest of their aircrew:
"Yo, Comet and Vixen. Climb on up here.
Jade's about to kick this night into gear.
And also this sleigh is a make-out free zone,
Offenders of that rule get their ass dropped off at home."
"Yeah. Yeah. Whatever." Rose rolled her eyes,
Despite the fact that her cheeks were red as cherry pies.
Because as John helped up into the sweet, sci-fi sled,
She couldn't help but think of getting him alone, in bed.
Anyways, Jade said: "Is everyone on board?"
When all friend's nodded, the gas was suddenly floored.
They rose off the ground and flew out of the garage door,
And took the sky, and man, did that sleigh soar.
"Oh my Christmas rings!" Gasped John. "I can't believe it works!"
"Of course it does. Engineering is one of my many cool perks!"
Then as Jade cranked the radio to get the smooth jams flowing,
She called back to her friend: "So, Rosey. Where are we going?"
"Well," Rose unfurled her map. "Let me see…
I'll say our first stop is the Land of Little Cubes and Tea.
That's where we'll find Nepeta, Equius, and Aradia too."
Jade altered their course and to LOLCAT they flew.
For Equius, Dave gave him a new pair of flawless and unbroken shades
And for Nepeta some new boots with which she could frolic through the sugary glades.
"What's this?" Asked Aradia when she was handed her gift.
"A movie." Answered John. "To hopefully bridge our cultural rift.
It's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,
Watch and learn, you little Time Maid."
Before Aradia could question him more,
Jade revved the sleigh with a mighty roar,
And then they flew away into the night,
Up into the clouds and out of sight.
"Alright," Said Rose. "That's three gifts out of the way.
So there's nine presents more left in this sleigh.
Our next stop should be the Land of Dew and Glass."
"No way. Eridan's there. That dude can kiss my ass."
Dave folded his arms in defiance.
There wasn't a person alive who liked that lame wizard of science.
"Oh, give him a break." Said John. "It's Christmas Eve!
No hate allowed, not even against your pet peeve."
"John's right." Added Jade as she flew them to LODAG.
"I got Eridan a gift, despite him being a dirt bag.
That's just the way you're supposed to act during the holiday season,
but that doesn't mean I won't break his nose if he gives me a reason."
John laughed and Rose smiled, while Dave fought a smirk.
If Jade was here, he could probably put up with that fishy 'ol jerk.
But when they swooped down to LODAG he was put to the test,
When Eridan swaggered up, wearing a gaudy holiday vest.
Behind him stood Feferi with Sollux at her shoulder,
John was quick to dash down and hand Sollux a folder.
"Here's some code that I think you'd like to try."
"You could have emailed me this. What's the point of a fly by?"
John answered Sollux's question with a simple shrug,
Then dashed back to the sleigh after giving Feferi a quick hug.
"Here you go, Feferi!" Then Jade threw her a parcel.
The fish princess caught it and her eyes began to sparkle.
She opened it up to find a regular compact disc.
Jade had done well, since the gift of music is never a risk.
"Wwhere's my gift?" Eridan's voice grated like a choir of tone-deaf singers.
Jade simply grinned and gave him a pair of upside-down middle fingers.
"Catch you later, nerd." Dave called with a smirk.
Fore even on Christmas no one cared for that wizardly jerk.
"I thought we were going to be nice." Piped Rose as they flew away.
"Yeah, I considered it." Responded Jade. "We'll just save being nice for another day."
With that matter settled and laid to rest,
It was time to deliver the final gifts of their quest.
Their last stop was one of pure luck; I'll have you know,
as Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, and all the rest were on the Land of Thought and Flow.
Down to the planet, our questing group flew through the trees,
Up to Terezi's hive where Jade parked the sleigh with ease.
It was Karkat who opened the door after John quickly knocked.
His faced twisted with many emotions, none pleasantly shocked.
"What the name of sweet wriggler Jegus, are you doing here this late?"
"We're here to spread joy! Or at least give you gifts at any rate."
"We don't want gifts…" Grouchy Karkat began,
But was quickly overruled by the rest of his clan.
They came to the door, shoving him out of the way,
And ushered in our heroes to wrap up this play.
There was Terezi, Kanaya, Vriska, Tavros, and Gamzee,
All looking forward to getting some cool stuff for free.
"This is for you, Gamzee." Said John as he passed him the poorly wrapped bike.
"It goes with all of those horns that I know you really like."
"The last thing he needs with those horns is a bicycle."
Grumbled Karkat whose heart was as cold as an icicle.
No one paid him any attention though,
They were too caught up with all the wicked holiday glow
And continued to pass out sweet holiday loot,
Including some mittens, some candy, and a nice-looking flute.
"I knitted you some mittens," Rose's gift to Kanaya was full of compassion.
"Although, I can't be for sure. I believe they are now the height of fashion."
"Yo, Tz." Said Dave. "I got you some more red chalk.
So now you can eat that weird stuff round the clock."
"I got you this, Tavros." Jade passed him a hard hat.
"Now don't have to worry about being used as a floor mat.
You can ride around safely without fear of falling and getting hurt
Or maybe use it as a bowl to eat some dessert!"
"That's just stupid." Muttered Tavros quite sadly,
Although he accepted the gift, since he was in need of a good helmet quite badly.
"This is for you Vriska." Said John,
As he handed the troll girl his copy of Wrath of Kahn.
"It's a pretty good film that I think you might enjoy.
It's got Kirk, Spock, Scotty, and even McCoy!"
Vriska frowned as she examined the films cover art,
Unsure of what to say or even where to start.
She was truly surprised that John was being so kind
And asked the only question that was currently on her mind.
"Does it have Nic Cage?" She asked, referring to the movie.
"Uh, no. But it does have John Winston. He's pretty groovy."
"Eh. Whatever. This will have to do I guess."
John smiled at his friend, happy that his gift was a success.
"Last but not least, Karkat. This final gift's for you!
It's a really nice card that John gladly drew!"
Jade bounced over and gave the last gift of the night,
A really shitty card that was truly quite the sight.
John had done his best to make a present full of heart,
However he probably should have let someone else do the drawing part.
Karkat opened the card and heaved a mighty sigh,
For what he saw scrawled on the paper could probably make a young child cry.
"What's this supposed to be?" He asked. "A parrot in a tree?
Who's that asshole inside that boat? Is that supposed to be me?
Jegus, John. What is this crap?" Karkat had the nerve to demand.
"It's an abstract piece." Shrugged John. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"Get out! All of you! Get the hell out of this hive!
And take that stupid sleigh thing too, before I flay all of you alive!"
Laughing and whooping and hollering with glee,
Our heroes absconded, young, wild, and free.
Fore they had succeed on saving this holiday night,
And even braved Karkat, whose rage was usually quite a fright.
The green sun began to rise and color the medium a dull yellow,
washing away the chilling night and making everything more mellow.
"It's nearly morning." Said Rose. "I believe our quest is done.
It would be unfortunate for us to oversleep and miss Christmas morning fun."
"I'll drop you off, Rose." Jade set a quest of LOLAR.
"Good work tonight, guys. Give yourself a gold star!
I think we all made this night a holiday to remember.
I'm more pumped than ever for next year's December!"
Everyone else in the sleigh couldn't help but agree,
Since chilling with your friends is greater than any present you might find under a tree.
Plus, it's good to take a break from all the heavy stuff,
No battles or killing, just lots and lots of fluff!
"Did you have a good time, Rose?" Asked John as they stood outside her door.
"I mean, I hope you don't think about tonight as some kind of silly chore."
"I assure you." Rose stood on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss.
"Tonight was nothing but an endless source of bliss.
You can count on me to never miss a get-together,
Since what am I without my fellow birds of a feather?"
Then with a final wink and wave, she disappeared inside,
Leaving John on the door step with a grin that was most wide.
"Come on, Egbert." Dave said to his friend. "That's enough of that grinning.
You'll have plenty of time with Rose later, if you know what I'm spinning.
For now though, I think that's enough for one night.
Let's get you home before the Christmas is over, alright?"
John followed his Bro back to their neat sleigh,
Silently imaging his goodbye with Rose over again on replay.
Throughout the whole ride back to LOWAS he thought,
About all the sweet things this wonderful night had brought.
Cheer and friendship and karma and love,
And that's about all the stuff that John think of.
"Later, Bro." Dave and Jade said together,
As they left their friend behind on the land of windy weather.
The last two kids flew away into the sky,
Not really sure if they were all that ready to say goodbye.
Dave had yet to give Jade her special locket
And with little time left he gritted his teeth and said: "Scew it."
"What's wrong?" Asked Jade, surprised by his outburst.
There was no turning back. Dave dived in head-first.
He did what she least expected and grabbed her by the hand.
"This isn't a perfect moment." He said. "But I'll hope you understand."
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the small, square box.
Jade's eyes lit up. "What's in there? Some socks?"
"Eh. No not really. Something more expensive."
Dave was starting to feel more and more apprehensive.
"I got you something to show how special you are."
"Is it some mittens? A cool hat? Omg! A candy bar?!"
"Jegus Christ, can you give me a chance.
I'm really sick of this romantic song and dance.
It's obvious, Jade, that we belong with each other.
I just hope I wasn't upstaged by your doofus ecto-brother."
Jade felt strong affection for the hero of clocks,
But was it really enough to justify the gift in the box?
Of course. She thought. Her love for Dave was true.
It was dizzying to look back on how their relationship had grew.
"I think you're right." She said. "About us being together, I mean.
After all, you're probably about the hottest guy that I've ever seen."
"Well that goes without saying." Said Dave with a smirk.
"The only question now is whether or not this will work?"
"Will what work?" Asked Jade with confusion.
"I thought we already agreed on our relationship fusion."
Dave didn't answer her question, at least not verbally.
Instead he opened the box and showed his gift to dear, sweet Harley.
"I got you a locket." He stated the obvious,
And lifted the jewelry from the box, sure to be cautions.
"Oh, Dave." Jade gasped in surprise,
As the jewelry sparkled and glinted in her eyes.
"I can't accept this. It's simply to nice!
I don't have a gift for you that could possibly suffice!"
"I don't need anything from you. Not now. Not ever.
It's just like Rose said, we're two birds of a feather.
Just tell me one thing, before we set this in stone.
Are you cool with us together? Just me and me alone?"
"Of course." Said Jade. "You're perfect for me."
"There's nowhere in the universe that I'd rather be."
Fore Jade never yearned for another place,
As long as they were together, time and space.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike