Out, out, in out. Endless, out of sync breaths escape my lungs as I can hear the ticks of my final minutes close in on me. The full speed spinning of the world around me makes it hard for my feet to stand still, right now its so much easier to let them fall, let the dead weight of my body drop to nothing -no- falling shows weakness and even though in these moments I'm feeling weaker than I have felt before, I must keep my feet glued to the floor beneath me. My eyes go in and out of focus as if they are slowly giving up on the same grey buildings that have been my beautiful sunset view for sixteen years. Today should be full of celebration, the choosing of your life, of your future. They tell us its our choice, they build us up to this moment to believe this is about us, about the people we want to be. It's not.

I step onto the dark, concrete floor that surrounds my box. I can feel the weakness of my limbs as I see the other smiling teenagers who have been waiting for this moment all of their lives. Every face so different, every movement, every stare, every thought the same. They walk in a regimented line with either parent each side, hand in hand for what could be the last time.

The skies around me begin to turn the same dull, heartless grey as the tall buildings beneath them. I can feel the beginning of the shut down, right up until I see a familiar grin which always seems to turn the grey skies the brightest blue. My feet start to collapse on themselves- failing at their only job just as he grabs my waist. His tight grip around me makes it hard for me not to fall entirely into his arms but his strength holds me upright. My miles away mind flies back to sanity- well as close as it can possibly get. I'm barely stood- relying on Caleb to keep me up for the next few seconds which I wish would last a millennium. As his grip loosens I can see his effortless grin begin to fade- "Susan I know. I know you can do this." Usually his positive outlook makes even the worst seem okay but right now I can barely hear a word he is trying to say. I turn my eyes to the floor as we walk side by side. I can just make out the thin- shapeless outline of Beatrice as she wonders behind us with Robert on her tale. Most of the journey is without words except Caleb's wasted attempts at conversation. The walk is only five minutes long although this road is endless. Each step I take, my chosen faction changes.

Amity- No. Not happy enough.

Dauntless- No. Not brave enough.

Erudite- No. Not smart enough.

Candor- No. Not truthful enough.

Abnegat- No. Not selfless enough.

I'm not anything enough. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong?

As we approach the building we are summoned too, it feels like I'm seeing the world for the first time. Even though I've seen this all before, from a far, being here, surrounded by the people the who make up this mad world makes me feel as crazy as the rest of them. I find Robert a few steps behind Beatrice just before I grab his arm. Caleb and Beatrice go off with their parents as Robert and I are ordered to this first queue we can see. From here I can see everyone, lined up two by two. Parents with their children, children with their parents. Then there's me and Robert. He promised, he promised that for one day he would be the Father he is supposed to be. I don't know why I ever let the thought cross my mind, It's funny really, me and Robert never breath a word to each other and though today is no different, right now, that feels okay. I guess it's good, well for me this is good, to keep our possible last minutes together the same as any other. As the queue shortens, the silence thickens, becoming louder the closer we get. We enter the giant hall with careful steps, one in front of the other. The roars of hundreds of talking families take the thoughts away from my mind- for that I am thankful. We take our seats among a line of other seated abnegations. The space between Robert and I sits emptily, bringing in careful eyes from the family in front. Each leader from each factor gives the exact same speech, just in different words. "This is your choice, this is your life, choose wisely"- Bollocks.

The first name is called.

Martha Aarons. She is just another worthless girl in a worthless world- yet the sadness on her face cuts through me like the silver plated knife sitting silently on the table. The skip in her usual amity step is invisible to the naked eye in these moments. The whole hall goes silent as she drags her body up the steps, falling slightly on the final one. She picks up her dead weight and lunges towards the knife, just as my breaths are stolen from me. Every single being here, right now, in awe of one girl who no one knows, who no one cares about. As she draws the knife against her shaking palm, as her hand waves above the amity bowl, as her blood drops into the burning coal of dauntless, she is already and empty face to a forgotten name. Hundreds of teens, from every faction make their way to the knife. Step by step- left, right, left, right. Almost everyone has stayed 'home', where they believe they belong- every one of them with a face full of regret. You get the odd individual who will leave, like Martha, who wants to find their own way- impossible, there is only ever one way.

So far everyone in abnegation has stayed. Too selfless to see who they really want to be, too weak. All the A's are now done. One group down, twenty-five to go. Suddenly there is a noise from the back, shuffling, apologising. When I turn my head, I see a recognisable face that fills me with emptiness every time I see it. There he is, pushing past everyone in our line, making me visible. Dad sits in the seat between Robert and I without saying a word- the stench of his breath says enough words of its own. I feel so far away, so distant from who I am that this doesn't seem fully real, even though every drop of Scarlett blood proves that it is completely real, and completely wrong.

"Simon Bintley"- three steps, one knife, one drop of blood-"Candor." One more gone.

"Robert Black". My heart sinks- falling further than I thought was possible. As he walks by, ignoring Dad, he grabs my hand, nods his head and walks away. A part of me knows he won't stay. The part of me I tried to hide, wishes he would.

Three steps, one knife, one drop of blood- "Amity". One more gained.

Happiness- the only thing he has ever wanted and I never knew. The sad little boy who forgot how to smile the day our Mother became a stranger- finally seeking happiness. I couldn't be happier for the brother I didn't even know I loved.

"Susan Black"

All the darkness in my small world suddenly lightens as I realise the tiny amount that I actually cared before has turned to nothing. The empty chair at the table made for four, the empty reflection I was never allowed to look at, the empty person behind a face I've only ever glanced at- finally ran out of hope. I make my way past classmates from the past ten years on my life. Past names I don't even know.

Three steps.

Amity- No. Not cheerful enough.

Dauntless- No. Not fearless enough

Erudite- No. Not intuitive enough.

Candor- No. Not honest enough.

Abnega-

One knife.

Who am I? Weren't the test supposed to tell me who I am? Aren't we supposed to trust the test? Then where do I belong? I find myself staring at each bowl with empty eyes. This means nothing.

One drop of blood.

Sixteen wasted years, for one worthless day. I don't want to be in one place for the rest of my life. I don't want one faction. I want the world.

"Abnegation".

This was certainly not an act of selflessness, only weakness.

One more forgotten.