When Blair had finally been ready to let go of her husband she'd left the shower room first and given him the all clear to make a quick exit. He grabbed her hand as he passed and kissed it passionately before slipping out to the correct changing room. She got back into her day clothes and lightly towel dried her hair. She scrunched her curls into shape but left them damp. She was looking forward to reaching the safety of the penthouse. She paused before opening the door to leave. She was certain he'd ask more about her ballet when they were alone in the limo. She needed time to plan how she wanted the conversation to go. She quickly tapped out a text. "Need to talk to the spa here about a change to my facial treatment next week. Go on ahead & arrange dinner with room service. B xo".
"Urggh I'm stuffed!" Blair exclaimed as she slouched back into the sofa. Keeping her mouth full with the food from her plate had proved to be an effective way of avoiding too much conversation over dinner. "You seem to have worked up quite an appetite sweetheart", Chuck grinned through his eyes at her. "I blame you Bass and your tendency for rule breaking", she replied. "You're the one that came looking for me if I remember correctly" he said as he moved across the seat towards her. "And you know I can never say no to you." He slid his arms around her and pulled her into him, kissing her temple. For a minute or so he cuddled her in silence. He reached for her left hand in her lap. He delicately raised her ring finger and twiddled her wedding band and sparkling engagement ring from side to side. It was another affectionate habit he had developed since their wedding day. Sometimes he still couldn't believe she was wearing them for real. He remembered kneeling down in the rain at Harry Winston desperately trying to accept that their lives had changed and they were not going to find their way back to each other. He'd never been a religious man but thank God even the staff there hadn't given up on them and had stored the ring in the vault. Thank God it was his ring on her. Forever.
But she didn't feel right in his arms tonight. Usually they moulded into each other completely but tonight a tension remained in her. "Are you sure everything is OK Blair?" He tilted his head down to her. She met his gaze but did not speak. He pushed her up a little and started rubbing her shoulders. "When I began to ask about your new ballet habit in the shower you seemed anxious and you are again now". She had turned her face away as he'd finished his sentence. He knew his observations were correct because she would have wittily responded by now had he been wrong. He stopped the massage and ran his hand down her back, concerned by her silence. "Blair?" Her narrow shoulders rose as she pulled in a sharp breath. "Blair! What is it?" he tried to say more firmly. He could not mask the concern in his voice. Slowly she turned to face him; lifting her eyes up to his and revealing the tears that had started to slip down her cheeks.
It was pointless to try to attempt any kind of charade. He was always able to see right through her. She felt more tears pooling in her eyes as she tried to employ some of the calming tactics she had used to save face with him so often in the past. They were useless. She sobbed suddenly as her emotions got the better of her. She tried to catch her breath and prevent a panic attack as she saw the look of confusion and concern take over his face.
For so long she had thought she was OK. The physical recovery had been uncomplicated. As for the emotional recovery, well, she was Blair Waldorf. She was always in control, right? She thought that she had handled it. Perhaps really she had not given it enough thought afterall.
She had cried for hours in the hospital. In Serena's arms. In Lily's arms. In Nate's arms. There had been a cocktail of tears of sorrow for the loss of her baby, tears of relief for the beginning of Chuck's recovery and tears of heart ache that after everything they had been through and their brave declarations they would never be together.
Just one day after making her promise to God she had discharged herself and persuaded Louis to make swift arrangements for them to leave for Monaco. The change of scenery and the distance from everything familiar to her had helped a little. Louis' attempts to understand and support her had reminded her of a Bambi trying to stand for the first time. It had even led to her indulging in her other childhood Disney favourites in attempt to distract her mind and lighten her mood. To her surprise Louis had given her the space she deserved. It would have been easy for him to be paranoid about exactly what had led her to be in a town car with Chuck Bass that night but he seemed to accept the dishonest explanation she offered.
He had respected her desire for time alone. She'd shopped in luxury boutiques and wandered on beaches of the French Riviera. She had even learnt to sail on the Mediterranean in an attempt to vanish the pessimism. As awful as it sounded, at times her heart ache over Chuck had been a distraction from the loss of her baby. She felt riddled with disgust whenever she considered the possibility that she loved him more than her unborn child. She hated herself for her indecision over which loss was greater. She felt guilt stricken when she considered that maybe the crash was punishment for her decision to leave her fiancé for another man. Often at night she held her nearly flat-again stomach and wept. At other times she felt paralysed when she remembered she could never be with him again. Just like the last time she had pined for him on European soil she was hurting in her whole body and not just her heart.
When her mind felt like it was about to explode she had often sought solace in a small chapel hidden in a picturesque square just off a side street. On many occasions she had talked to the old priest there about all of her despair through a combination of her rusty French and his Monégasque and broken English. Of course, she'd been the perfect linguistics student at Constance but the curriculum had never prepared her for the topics she found herself discussing. His impartial words had often brought at least some clarity and, later on, had encouraged her to turn to the Church and Father Smythe back in New York.
During her time away she had contacted her Mother and Serena only on a private phone number at times that she felt strong enough to handle their concern for her. She had to ensure that Chuck could not trace her for his own sake more than anything. In early December she had decided it was time to face the music and go back to New York. She loved the city and she had missed it. Other people's busyness in the party season had enabled her return to go relatively unnoticed.
On the rainy night that she had found Chuck in her penthouse the mixture of emotions had completely overwhelmed her. She had gripped the banister whilst trying desperately to compose herself as his sad eyes washed all over her. She managed to put on a hard face to his perfect face for just a minute before she fled under false pretences without even grabbing her purse. In the weeks that followed, without her really being aware of it, the battle between her determination to keep her vow on the one side and her yearning for Chuck on the other had overthrown everything else.
This definitely wasn't what she had planned after she had texted Chuck earlier that evening. Even though she'd turned away as she had started to talk she couldn't believe that she was finally managing to verbalise the memories she had been too afraid to share with him, or anyone, for so long. Twisting back towards him, she expected to be met by intense but sympathetic dark eyes. She felt the situation going out of her control when instead she saw him leaning forward with his head in his hands and his finger tips wet with his own tears.
"Chuck!" she said urgently, reaching for him. He sat up slightly and grasped her small hand with both of his own but he stared at the floor. "I didn't want to upset you. I just wanted to explain what's been going on."
There was no response from him. "I should never have said any..." "Yes you should have Blair." He came back to her. She found his response difficult to decipher. She hated having to mention Louis' name in his presence. She hated reminding him of the pain she'd caused him last year.
"Are you angry?" Her voice faltered as she finished the question. She couldn't take her eyes off him and desperately wanted him to reconnect with her. She felt relief as he turned to face her and gently lifted his hand to cup her face.
"I'm only angry with myself" he confessed. "I should have known all of this already. I should have known what you went through. I should have done more to help you".
"You couldn't have helped me Chuck. I didn't let you. I shut you out completely. You have to believe how hard it was for me to do that." Chuck had taken a few deep breaths and was now more composed whilst Blair began to succumb to tears again.
"Of course I believe you. I didn't know what to do back then. Obviously I sent texts and tried to call. I made plans to fly out and find you but had no idea if I'd be any use or be wanted when I got there." Blair kissed his raised hand and moved it down, holding it over her heart. "But I'm not talking about back then" Chuck continued.
"I've been foolish to think that everything you went through was completely in the past. Sometimes I doubted that it truly was but I just let you carry on holding your head high and being...being...Blair Waldorf! I just wish you hadn't waited until now to open up. I wish I had taken better care of you." He began to well up again.
"When I saw you dancing earlier I felt like I didn't recognise part of you. There was this... calmness and tranquility flowing out of you that I haven't seen for so long and now I think I understand why it's been missing. I should have been carrying you this past year but I left you out there on your own."
"I...It's just...But..." Blair tried to respond but could not find any words. Despite feeling some relief from opening up to her husband she also felt completely drained. It had been so long since she'd unreservedly exposed her emotions like this.
He eased his hand from her grip and her chest and moved closer to remove any space between them. They each felt the other relax as they wrapped their bodies together entirely. The tears had stopped for now but the conversation was not over.
A/N: This chapter and Blair opening up was so much harder to write than I had thought it would be when I first came up with the story outline. As you can see, it's going to carry on into at least one more chapter. Hopefully you might be forming some ideas about why Blair has taken up ballet. All will be explained. Thanks to the people that have read and reviewed this so far.