My apologies. I never gave the proper words of thanks to all who have helped me along the way.
Jen [aka: glorydaysfade] & Kelly [aka: freakyhazeleyes] from FF. Kelly has been the voice of reason and queen of grammar when I get too flowery with my words. As for Jen, I can't say how wonderful you've been from the beginning. Even to the point of suggesting Kelly as my beta. Then of course I wouldn't have a beautiful banner if it not for intothedecay. community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/intothedecay/
And for good measure: we all know who the characters belong to, but where I've now decided to take them is completely my doing!! [grins proudly]
"Bella!" My father yelled from the front door before he could reach me by foot while I sat idle in my truck.
Charlie tried to catch his breath as he bellowed out words that knocked me off balance. From the permanent creases around his forehead, eyes, and jaw I saw how my life was certainly affecting him more than I would care to admit. While watching Charlie descend from the front steps, I noticed how he carried this invisible weight that seemed to slow him down. It was like watching someone try to move forward, but with great exertion. And how it not only affected his appearance, but his mannerisms and the way he moved. This weight that Charlie carried with him wasn't his weight to bear, yet he did. It was my promise to Edward to live a life as if he never existed. Edward obviously never knew me or understood me. If he had, he would have known taking all the physicals away like the photos, his family, the music he made me and even the most painful...him. For him to have taken himself out of my life forever was painful enough. Therefore, everything he removed from my life he didn't and couldn't remove the most meaningful which is the memories that remained. I wanted to laugh. Not in a happy way, but with excruciating pain that could be mistaken for sarcasm. What Edward thought would fade with time couldn't because being human doesn't substitute my love which is greater than he gave me credit for. Edward just thought what he couldn't remove would fade away because I am human.
As Charlie approached me, I had this sudden desire to be that other person I was supposed to be. A person that could lock away the past and live as if he never existed. A person that wouldn't be the cause of the weight around Charlie's shoulder and his worries. But then came Charlie's words, which eliminated all hope for me to be that other person.
"I just received a call from Sam Uley." I felt my face go blank as I tried searching my memory for a face to match the name. Before I could, Charlie had continued, "You know, Sam from La Push."
Through the confusion, my mind began piecing together La Push. Sand, water, trees, dirt roads. An old house I vaguely remember Charlie and me visiting when I was younger once or twice. And then I remembered back, months and months ago to when I first came back to Forks. An older man in a wheelchair and his son… Jacob.
"Is Jacob or Billy hurt?"
"No, Bella. This has nothing to do with the Blacks."
Leaving me somewhat irritated, Charlie certainly was being very cryptic. Why would a guy from La Push be calling Charlie that consequently had anything to do with me? What felt like eternity all happened within a blink of an eye. Without my permission, memories began flowing through my mind, bringing with them emotions I thought I'd put to rest last September. There was nothing dangerous about La Push and I began to see the day unfold before me of the high points as best as I could recollect. I had been to the beaches around La Push as a child with Charlie. Though most recently, I spent the day with Mike and the gang from school. We had ventured out early that Saturday morning even though I had wanted to sleep in. As we squeezed into the two vehicles, Jessica was joyfully content while sitting along side Mike. Thankfully, I had snatched a window seat. The gorgeous view of the dense green forests edging the road distracted me most of the way. Immediately, the dense green forest had triggered a forgotten memory that had resurfaced. I began to see Sam Uley pulling me out of the dark vegetation only a few miles from my home. Watching myself lying in abandonment I suddenly felt my chest burn as the memories blew through me. Having squeezed my eyes shut planning for the worse the rush of emotions moved like blood's pulse behind a bruise. It passed unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it did. Even for me.
I knew Charlie must have seen all of the emotions run across my face. I was an open book, but thankfully he did see me regain my composure. How was I supposed to keep up my end of the promise, if I crumbled?
"What did Sam want?" I asked, my voice rising in confidence with each word.
"The phone call didn't involve you directly, but what he did share with me made me think of you. I need you to stay close to home for the next few days or until I figure out what's going on with this tip Sam anonymously gave me."
"Define close to home?" I cautiously asked, eyeing Charlie.
Charlie was certainly successful with his ability to be vague. Why would Charlie have mentioned he received a call from Sam if it didn't have anything to do with me directly?
"I need you to maintain your normal routine as you go to and from school and work. Anything else, I need to trust you'll call me before you do whatever you want to do."
"Did I do something wrong? What's with all the contingency plans?"
"Bella, I need you to trust I'm doing what's best for you."
"So, how big is this problem?"
Charlie became defensive and appeared to choose his words carefully. "Who said there was a problem? I just need you to be where you say you're going to be and anything outside of that, I would prefer if you would tell me first."
Prefer... tell. Interesting choice of words there dad. I knew I didn't have a choice in the matter. If I chose to object, what would happen? Would I test his limits?
##########
As I pulled into the school parking lot that morning I left my truck with an eerie feeling that something was about to happen. As if something would jump out at any moment. Forks always had its own hint of mystery because it was a town nestled an hour outside of anything with a real pulse. At face value, the town was unappealing yet it seemed to attract the unusual and alluring. Having tasted what lies beneath the town's humble exterior, its mystique brought out the most extraordinary life that captured your soul.
In contrast to this extraordinary life, my eyes landed on Mike standing a few yards away. The way his arms flailed and by the expression on his face he certainly had the attention of his friends. I could also hear mischievous howls coming from Mike as well as another boy that mocked humorously with him. A vacant smile lingered on my face as I watched Mike's exaggerated gestures when a small ping of guilt washed over me. Was I being too hard on Mike or even the idea that goes along with being Mike? It wasn't fair picking on an easy target that embodied what a normal life should be. I realize this is all from my perspective. Enchanted once by this intense life and love that has long been ripped from my chest.
"Watch out!" A distant voice boomed from across the parking lot. I turned instantly afraid something was about to happen to me.
A generous amount of laughter soon followed Mike's over-reaction to something that looked as if he was trying to prevent. Focusing closely in on what had happened I saw how Eric had moved out of Mike's way to prevent Mike knocking into him, but in doing so knocked over one of the large outdoor trash cans causing on-lookers to dodge its remnants.
All of what had happened made me realize that is something I would do. Eric by way of Mike certainly had trouble with his balance and for that moment, I believed I had finally come out on the other side. I was no longer the center of attention. My normal routines could certainly pass as normal like everyone else. I no longer stuck out as their shinny new toy. I had finally blended within the walls of Forks High School.
"Bella...Bella."
It wasn't until I heard Angela's voice come into focus that I realize someone was near. Her voice broke me out of my melancholy. Had I just heard her ask about freakishly large wolf sighting?
"I'm sorry Angela, what did you say?"
"Has Charlie mentioned anything about abnormally large wolfs in Forks?" Angela smiles gently.
"Actually, no." Was there seriously something worth getting excited about? "Is this really what's causing all this commotion?"
"Well it seems that way." Angela's eyes told another story. Yet, with an unconvincing shrug of her shoulders, she indicated she was willing to hold off. As Angela and I walked toward the school, I internally began to jest about how ridiculous this all sounded. So, what if there is an increase in a few harmless wolves, I knew I could sidestep any hairy accidents as long as I stayed out of the woods.
Even though there was a distinct shift providing that something was certainly off today, I didn't need to worry about things that were no longer my concern. I quickly dismissed it because for all I knew it was a random fluke of nature. Instead I had other things to plan for. I needed to start hanging out with my friends to convince Charlie that I'm fine.
While walking into school Angela convinced me to hang out with her and the girls for old time sake. Jessica, Lauren and Ashley opted not to go due to prior commitments. As to what, I didn't really care to find out why because it was safe just to hang out with someone like Angela. Though Angela was insightful, she was smart enough to keep quite. I didn't need anyone in my life that would attract attention. I needed to be with people that would just allow me to breathe.
##########
I internally battled on how to let Charlie know that I would be hanging out with Angela tonight. Would I leave him a note at home, call him at work or text him? As much as I'd like to text Charlie my plans I know he's too technically challenged to find my text before he sends the dogs out for me. I wish I could text him, but I knew I would have to settle with leaving him a note than dealing with having to tell him over the phone. As I stood at the doorway to our kitchen, gazing at our kitchen table, I decided leave him a note. I would also let him know of the leftovers I recently let unthaw in the fridge.
As I sat down to begin to write a note, one note soon became several drafts. I had trouble explaining how I was staying within the parameters of his requests by keeping within the borders of Forks, as well as where, with whom and for how long I would be out with. Currently, ten-o'clock, maybe even 10:30.
Charlie,
I wanted to let you know that Angela and I will be seeing a movie over at the old community theater on Main Street. I shouldn't be out late. Back by 10:30...the latest.
Signing my name and adding a smiley face, I quickly ended my note to Charlie. After my belligerent attitude towards Charlie this morning, left me anxious and agitated. As I tried to brush off the anxiety that was building inside of me, I didn't help that I was concerned that Angela was bound to pull up any minute. Shoving my hands through my hair, I used my anxious momentum to run upstairs to find an extra layer to wear. As I rummaged through my limited pile of cloths in my closet, I couldn't seem to find my red hooded sweater. I briefly tried to recollect the last time I wore or saw it, but couldn't quite remember. Just as I was about to give up the search is when I felt the back pocket of my jeans began to buzz and chime at the same time.
It must be Angela.
Without looking at my phone, I ran from my room forgetting the extra-layer while pulling on my coat and tucking my scarf into my shirt before zipping up. I had just rounded the corner from the bottom of the stairs when I saw my red hooded sweater hanging from the last post of the banister. Funny how some things just find you. With a smug grin, I yanked it from the post and headed out the door without bothering to actually putting it on. I was too proud to admit my defeat because I had to believe that I wasn't going crazy.
The ride through town only lasted as long as a radio commercial before Angela and I pulled into a parking spot along side the community theater.
"Are you sure you want to see this movie?" Angela asked half-heartedly while walking next to me towards the box office.
"Of course, this will be a riot. Compared to the new zombie movie that is playing in La Push, this should be as far from scary as Michael Jackson's Thriller."
"Hey, for some of us, Thriller caused us to have nightmares."
"Then, yes...but think about how far films have come. If we watched Thriller today compared with what scary movies are made of now."
I knew Angela would get my point when I stated it like that. As Angela turned towards the box office to purchase her ticket, I found myself gravitating towards the obscure movie poster of the movie we were about to see. I had hoped that this movie would be so bad that it would be funny compared to its Hollywood counterpart, which was playing in La Push. A place where I figured I wouldn't be visiting anytime soon.
As I stood there just looking at the poster and its sad attempts to be horrific, caused me a twinge of dark humor. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. Nothing from my past could actually compare to what scared us now. Cinematically speaking, of course.
Yet, something was off about this scream fest. Due to the fact that Scream Fest was its title, what else was I hoping for in a movie? I couldn't see anything romantic, so I had to decide on the other extreme that was out of my sphere of influence.
While settling on this zombie movie, I felt it was my way of enjoying the perks of living a normal life while hanging out with a friend. We'd laugh and scream and possibly throw popcorn at impressionable kids on the verge of jumping out of their seats when the nasty zombie grew closer to their on-screen victims. This was the kind of fun that I could enjoy.
"Bella, I can't believe we're seeing this movie. You know we could make a quick exit and catch something better in La Push."
"About that..." I lingered on my choice of words. "Charlie doesn't want me to leave Forks."
"Ever?"
"Well, just until things blow over, I guess."
"What things? Are you talking about the wolves?"
"No." I said unconvincingly because in all honesty, I wasn't sure what Sam had told Charlie and why it ultimately required me to stay within the borders of Forks for the time being. "I'm sorry I can't be more specific because Charlie was vague with the motive behind his request."
"That's odd." Angela said with hesitancy in her voice.
"More than you know." I breathed silently to myself.
Angela and I had made our way into the theater, finding seats somewhere in the middle right before the lights dimmed. I couldn't help, but immediately feel lighter for a split second as the movie started. The beginning credits opened with a poor rip-off of 007's Live and Let Die theme song masked with screams. My eyes darted to Angela so I could prove to myself that this was for real and that I wasn't dreaming. The look on Angela's face was of a mixture of extreme uncomfortable horror. I wondered in that moment, if I laughed would it offend her.
As the movie cranked out these abrupt scenes between the lurking zombies and their dumbfounded victims I began to feel a familiar twinge creep up within me. These drained-looking walking dead type of zombies embodied an emptiness that quickly became all too familiar for me. As if watching an awful car wreck, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. All these questions started forming in my brain that I desperately wanted to run away from. Why wasn't I stronger to keep my end of the promise? What was I really doing here, in this state of nothingness? Who was I really fooling? And the most weighted question that hit me with a hurtful blow to my heart. Why didn't he stay and fight for us? Sitting there stunned with fear from what this movie represented, Angela's drink somehow found it's way into my lap.
"I'm so, so sorry Bella" Angela said in a hushed voice.
As I came to, the drink thankfully released me from my state of shock and I immediately reacted by jumping up and heading for the restroom. I wanted to let Angela know she didn't cause any permanent damage, but internally, something had been unleashed that branded me from the inside out which wasn't her fault.
I sat in the bathroom stall until I had gotten my breathing under control and my thoughts strung together for the time being. As I made my way out of the stale and to the sink, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as I tried to clean myself up.
After the movie had ended, Angela found me sitting outside of the theater doors.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm mortified. Please say you forgive me." Angela stated with pleading eyes.
"I'm good and you've long been forgiven." I tried my best to let her know I was fine with a strained smile.
"Good, because I just got a text from Jessica saying she, Mike, and Eric are over at Woody's. Do you mind going over there for a few?"
With Angela's wavering tone I could tell she hadn't forgiven herself for accidentally knocking her drink in my lap. All I could do was nod, as I tried to reassure her that everything was fine between us and let her lead the way to Woody's.
Of course as we approach the local hot spot of Forks, I gasped at the amount of people hanging outside alone. By the looks of things, I figured Woody's housed half the town easily.
"I just got a text from Jessica. They're inside and said they'd saved us some seats." Angela smiled reassuringly as she pulled on my arm as we made our way inside.
As we approached Mike and Jessica from out of the crowd, it was easy to find them because of their exuberant personalities. Mike was once again telling an elaborate story that required him to speak and move with such emotion.
As Angela and I moved closer, I finally heard the point to his fanatical story that absorbed everyone around him.
"I know you won't believe it unless you see it for yourself. If you want, tomorrow morning we can go out to the exact spot where all the hikers have spotted those freakishly abnormally large wolves."
"So, these things are real." The words left my mouth before I had time to let them register first.
Everyone seemed to stare at me in shock for a good beat or two before Mike chimed in.
"Bella, haven't you been listening to the news reports or flyers that have been plastered all over town?"
"I guess...I didn't realize it was a such a big deal. We are in Washington where mountain lions, dears and even bears have been seen from time to time." Internally, I wanted to end with oh my, but I figured it won't be received well.
"Bella, this is more than a bear running loose in town. There have been reports of abnormally large wolves circling the parameter of Forks."
"And why would it matter if they circle the parameters of Forks. Aren't we glad that they haven't dared to come in town?" doubtfully speaking.
"I don't think the people of Forks want to wait for that to happen?" As Mike spoke mockingly at me.
"I guess." I sighed
"Bella, we can't take things like this lightly. There is definitely something brewing and for the police and your dad to demand a city wide lock down....which has never happened in Forks history...is saying something!"
Mike's overall presence was certainly gaining momentum with heated rage because I wasn't entertaining the fact that he could be right. I wasn't sure if I should stop my line of question and let him go back to his story telling or goad him more?
"If you say so Mike, but I won't be letting a few wolves scare me into early hibernation." As I turned to leave I looked over at Angela to let her know I needed some fresh air.
I could only stand to guess what was being said about me behind my back as I left the scene of the crime. A crime that challenged the good people of Fork's belief in their local police and therefore the Sheriff's demands. I was making all assorts of a trouble as they were concerned.
I walked out of Woody's with a lingering feeling that had been building up inside of me since this morning. Ever since I experienced Charlie's hand slamming down on our kitchen table threatening to send me away if I didn't start acting normal has certainly knocked me out of whack. And since then everything else outside of that has only caused more damage to my chance of normalcy.
In that moment I wanted to scream. I tried to open my mouth and let out a piercing cry that easily comes out during my haunting dreams. But I couldn't seem to simulate the kind of emotion that would just let me break free from all the anxiety I knew I had. It was now too afraid to show itself now that I wanted to release it.
Unbelievable I thought.
I was trapped by my own mental defenses, but physically where was it? With a quick look around I noticed that I had let my feet take me across the street a few city blocks along way from Woody's. I had somehow ended up in front of some run down storefront that has long been forgotten. I had clearly wondered off the beaten path, while this internal battle going on in my head. Without a second thought, I quickly moved to turn around and head back towards Woody's. I had only gotten a few steps when I heard small whimpers and deep breathing from a poorly lit ally that I was soon coming up upon.
When I approached the poorly lit entrance, the most intense emotion immediate grew inside me. Sensing this new release, this exhilarating overwhelming emotion that I had long forgotten yet privately yearned for was finally breaking through. It was as if all the emotion I had buried deep inside was freely unleashing itself without my help. I couldn't even say his name, but his face certainly came to mind. All the emotions I've ever felt can be summed up in a glance of his face from my haunting memory of him.
"Bella, don't. Step away." After a few short moments, he spoke again more forcibly. "Now Bella. Turn around and don't look back."
I found myself not wanting to turn away from the fear of the unknown. Of what is making that noise in this poorly lit street, but for the simple fact that I didn't want to let Edward's voice go. It was so clear as if he was right next to me. Urging me not to put myself in harms way.
On the edge of my sanity, I was experiencing the most exhilarating rush of emotions I could ever want. As I sat on the fence between rational and irrational thoughts, I willed myself to take the first step back.
It was then I heard someone else calling out my name that caused me to swing my head in the direction of a voice that sounded like Angela's. As hers and a few other shouts and calls of my name became clearer and clearer, my brain registered them more distinctly yet sadly knocking me back into the present reality. Pulling me unwilling away from Edward.
It was too late to dwell on the how's of something so surreal yet seemingly real happened to me in the first place. I let Angela and the others pull me away.
On the edge of my sanity, I knew I experienced the most exhilarating rush of emotions I could ever want. I knew I needed to get my bearings, but I was too far-gone from the comforts I found with Edward. And certainly starting over seemed impossible. Sadly, I let Angela and Eric pull me into her car as I presumed would take me back home to a bed I dreaded.
As everyone else piled into their cars, I let my eyes linger back to that far street where I had been moments ago with Edward's urgent voice. For that single moment, I felt as though he was there right with me, as clear as day.
I could feel Angela's car begin to move as I slowly looked back to that poorly lit street. In my semi-dream like state, I was quickly grounded when I actually saw a familiar set of red eyes peering back at me. I was afraid to blink, but instinctively my eyes did it as a reaction to securing what I saw to be real. After blinking not once, but twice, those familiar red eyes I could have sworn belonged to Laurent weren't there. He wasn't there.
Extra Note: Earlier in this chapter I had re-worked the following few sentences, from 's New Moon (Chapter 4). I thought I should give the proper credit.
Having squeezed my eyes shut planning for the worse the rush of emotions moved like blood's pulse behind a bruise. It passed unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it did. Even for me.