Chapter 3 – To The Future
The two prophets were growing tired of wandering around.
"If tiring us out is that fucker's idea of winning, it's sure as hell fucking working." Jay grumbled moodily.
As if a sign from God (and it most likely was, granted), he suddenly went flying when he tripped over something in the road. He went flying, landing on his stomach, while Bob tried to suppress a snicker.
"Mother fucking son of a…" he stopped short when he saw what he had tripped on.
Silent Bob also had his eyes on it.
"What the fuck is that? A fucking footprint?" He stood up, brushing himself off. He turned to get a closer look, and saw it indeed was one. A pretty big one. As if trying to find out how big it actually was compared to himself, Bob put his own foot in the imprint and found it to be at least 3 of his own feet. "Man, fuck this. Nevermind it being a fucking hell bitch, it's probably twice the size of us combined. Why the fuck are you still going? You fucking fat ass, there is NO way we can beat that shit!"
Not willing to listen to the sense Jay was speaking (even though it was undoubtably rare), he continued following the imprints, which were quite frequent. He followed the next print, and when he got to the third Jay finally shook his head in annoyance and followed him. They heard the hell beast before they saw him, because suddenly the whole ground shook when an unearthly roar filled the air. Suddenly people were screaming, running past them, and both just managed not to be clobbered by the horde.
"I think the fucking bitch is this way." Jay pointed in the direction the people were running. Bob gave him a look.
With the direction set, they continued on and the minute they got to the end of the block, they saw it. Both pressed up against a partially destroyed home soon afterwards, they assessed the situation.
"We're going to fucking die." Jay muttered. "I'm never going to be fucking laid again…oh, what a fucking cruel world we live in…"
Bob could not help but agree with his now wide-eyed partner-in-crime. It didn't seem like a very friendly sort of hell monster, not that any of them were. This wasn't some duo of pansy angels or a demon made out of shit, this thing was big, mean, and homicidal looking. Not to mention the fact that it had a big spinning…portal thing in front of it that looked as though it was about to suck the monster and everything around with it inside. Even then, when the portal was obviously weak, the two felt the suck of it trying to pull them closer.
"Well, Lunchbox, you got us into this shit…what do we fucking do now?" Jay asked, his voice showing a quiver of slight fear.
Silent Bob seemed to think, and didn't seem to come up with any solutions as to kill it without getting killed themselves. He was just glad they hadn't told Bethany, because if she went down with them…it'd definitely be all over. Thinking was over when suddenly, out of nowhere, the monster seemed to sense their presence and turned to glare at them. Both prophets stood frozen in their spots as it roared an obvious warning call to either get out of there or suffer death by the hands of it.
Without a word between them, the two picked up scattered garbage and flung it at the monster, which did not even seem fazed by it. It roared again, and took a swipe at them. It just barely touched Silent Bob and he was thrown backwards, landing on his back. Going in for the kill, it started to march toward him, his hideous face smirking evilly.
"Hey! You ugly piece of shit! Over here!" Jay called out, knowing it's intent. It turned and found a knife flying right at it. It tried to dodge but it struck its eye dead on. Roaring in agony, it swiped its long lizard-like tail, which hit Jay and made him literally fly backwards into a house. He slumped down, feeling as if all the bones in his body had cracked. He felt pain rip through him like a dozen needles stabbing him everywhere. He struggled to keep his eyes open, and felt the pull of the portal start to move him. After another roar of the monster, he finally blacked out, his body falling limp to the suction.
~~
"I can't fucking die…not now…"
He opened his eyes and felt his body tingling all over, a bright light surrounding him.
"You can't fucking kill me off…Bethany…everyone's right, I am a screw-up…"
Suddenly the light faded and he found he was perching on a pitch-black ground. He slowly stood up, feeling his body, seeing he had no wounds anymore. Getting sick of the strange areas he was being put in more and more as the night went on, he finally snapped.
"What the fuck do you want from me? If I'm fucking dead, get it fucking over with it! I'm sick of being treated like a fucking puppet…"
He felt faint but shook it off. "Just get it over with…" falling to his knees, he felt like just screaming, or punching someone. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but he knew he had failed his job that was entrusted to him, and it made him angrier then he had ever been with himself. And Silent Bob…he didn't even want to know how mangled he came out. He suddenly felt something touch his shoulder, and he pulled his head up with a start to find himself staring at God herself.
Unlike the first meeting, he did not say anything, did not question. She motioned for him to rise and he did so, slowly.
"You picked the wrong fucking guy, lady. I'm a fucking nobody, I've always been one, and I've just proved it by that horrible excuse for a fight."
God frowned at this and shook her head, and then suddenly she laughed. He raised a brow at the nutty religious icon. She beeped his nose and then shoved him back. He stumbled backward, surprised, and felt himself fall. Instead of hitting the black ground he was standing on, he kept falling.
He felt air rush to his lungs, and felt it mixed with water. Sputtering and coughing, he opened his eyes at the rude awakening, finding himself face-down in a large puddle of water. Feeling like he was soaked to the bone, he managed to turn over and sit up. Immediately he started to touch his mid-section, trying to find his broken bones.
There was none.
He tried to shake the cobwebs out of his head. He was still drowsy, and felt a little dizzy as well. He held his head, wondering if he had just imagined the second meeting with the Holy One herself, and figured that it really wasn't so farfetched. After all, he had seen her before; he had seen her blow off people's heads. Why was seeing her again so amazing? He sighed, feeling the grogginess leave him, and only then noticed that water continued to fall on him. He stared up and saw only darkness and raindrops falling at a constant speed on his face.
He got up, the weight of his clothes heavily upon him, and looked around his general area. To the right of him was darkness still, and to the left…a street. "I'm in some fucking alley. But how did I get here?" He tensed when he heard sputtering behind him. He turned around and only saw something getting up in the darkness, the light from the street in back of him not helping much at all. He instantly got defensive, though, remembering that there was a monster around him around the time he blacked out.
"Stay the fuck back, man." He called out to the noise, not looking to see that it was only Silent Bob. Bob, amused by his tenseness, poked him and he screamed like a little girl. He started laughing, which made Jay untensed a little to see who it was. When he saw it was him, he looked pissed, then his face showed relief.
"Holy shit, Lunchbox, you're fucking alive?!" he exclaimed, his mouth dropping. Bob nodded. "Where the fuck are we?" Bob shrugged, then looked around. "I think we're in some kind of weird shitty alley, but how did we get here? I'm fucking cold as hell, too. This rain sucks. We need to find someplace to get out of it."
Again, Bob just nodded, and was touching his head gingerly, obviously checking if he had any injuries. "All that shit is gone, tubby. Don't know how, I should be fucking broken in eighteen pieces. And that monster fucker is gone. Do you have any money?" Jay sighed when his tubby friend shook his head no. "Me either. Just fucking great."
"Over here!"
The voice came out suddenly, from the darkness behind them. The two turned and looked, but saw nothing. They looked at each other, both wondering if they were hearing things.
"Did you hear that? Or am I fucking hearing shit now too?" With a nod, Jay felt a little better that he wasn't going crazy. "Strange voices coming from the darkness? Sounds like a fucking trap to me, but hell, what else do we have to lose?" After a pause, Jay shoved Silent Bob forward. "You go first." Bob stumbled but caught himself and shot a glare at his idiot friend. He sighed and took a few steps into the darkness, then hesitated.
"Come on." Jay urged, prodding him forward. The two made their way, Silent Bob in front, Jay right up behind him, until they saw a light at the end of the alley.
"This shit's like in the fucking scary movies. The people listen to voices and they get fucking gutted and shit by a dumb ass with a hook." Jay muttered to himself, though Bob heard and rolled his eyes.
When they reached the light, they found a door ajar, like it was welcoming them in. The two looked at each other, and Bob seemed a little uneasy. "We're faced everything, fat ass. I'm sure whatever we face now can't be that fucking bad." Bob rolled his eyes and opened the door slowly with his hand. He saw light coming from inside, but, with Jay's urgings, sneaked in.
Inside it was a plain room, and in the middle there was two sleeping bags, a nice fire burning in a can, and real food. Jay raised a brow, automatically suspicious. "I think someone was fucking expecting us, Lunchbox. The fuck is up with this? Totally fucking weird."
Bob walked over and poked the food with his finger. It was obviously not going to jump up at them, apparently. "You know you wanna eat it, tubby. Take a bite!" Bob blinked and shook his head furiously. "Eat it you son of a bitch! Your stomach can fucking take it!"
Bob made a face and shook his head again. The two glared at each other.
"Fucking dumbass." He grumbled. "Just looking at that shit makes me hungry. I need something to eat, and I need it to fucking not be poisoned or some shit like that."
He sat down, cross-legged, sulking and cursing his luck under his breath. Bob continued to poke at the food, but did not dare to eat it.
Out of no where, the flames from the fire started moving irregularly. Bob noted it first, and by the time he pointed it out to Jay, it was too late. Suddenly the flame jumped up and towered over them, it's shape being that of some horrible monster. The two scrambled up and backwards, trying to run from the thing, but both found themselves paralyzed with fear. It loomed over them.
"You, the prophets of legend…"
The two just stared numbly at the talking fire thing.
"I have been awaiting your return for a long, long time."
Timidly, with a shaking voice that showed his fear, Jay spoke. "Awaiting our fucking return? What do you mean?"
"Silence!"
Jay shut up immediately.
"You are not in a land you know anymore. What you remember are just that, memories of a past few can recall. Your failure to stop that monster has changed history itself. Instead of you being known in this older world…you, too, are long-forgotten memories. You see, you have been brought to the future with the monster. To people around, you are dead and gone."
"Whhatt?!" Jay exclaimed, forgetting that he was to be quiet. "What the fuck are you talking about, man? I mean, never mind the fucking fact you're some fireball bitch, you're tellin' me we ain't fucking alive, and we're in the future?!"
The flame smirked, and suddenly disappeared, eloping the two in darkness. Then, like something had lit it again, the fire returned but this time hovering about it looked like a mini-angel that wore a long robe and had two angel wings on her back. She was definitely female, and she was hovering in mid-air laughing like crazy, which made both Jay and Silent Bob stare at her. Finally she regained her composure, and hovered the right way, grinning at the two.
"I had you dumb asses going there, didn't I?!" the mini-angel thing said. "Thought I was some fire thing, ha ha, what a joke! How you two got chosen to be the prophets…"
"Wait a second, you were that fire fucker? You son of a bitch! You nearly scared the shit out of my friend here!" he pointed to Bob who glared at him.
"So you must be Jay." Jay blinked as he realized it had disappeared and reappeared on his head. He tried to swat her away but she simply hoped onto Bob's head. "Lopsided head ya got there, buddy." Bob tried to look up at her but found it already gone and back to her original spot.
"Hey, you stupid little angel fucker, what the hell are you doing?" Jay demanded, annoyed.
"What am I doing? I'm here to help the all-mighty prophets. I don't know, I was imagining you a little more older…with turbans and bad accents. Horses too. But no, you're just normal regular stoners that look like wet rats. Of course, I've been warned that you're some trouble." He pointed to Jay. "And you tend to get Silent Boy over there into it too. Bad Jay, bad."
Bob seemed to agree but stopped when Jay shot him a look. "His fucking name is Silent Bob, and since you seem to know so much about us, who the fuck are you?"
"Did the drugs destroy your brain cells or something, dumb ass?" she rolled her eyes. "I. Am. Guide. Do. You. Understand. What. I. Am. Saying?" She knocked on his head, and he swatted the angel away.
"Guide? What the fuck kind of guide?" he asked, annoyance in his tone.
"Okay, look, I'm going to say this slowly so you can comprehend. Me, angel. You? Prophets. Angel helps Prophets FIX THE STUPID ASS MISTAKE THEY MADE!" The yell made them wince. "Got it now, Blondie, or is it really a hopeless cause?"
She snickered when Bob nodded his head to the question when Jay wasn't looking. Jay still looked pretty blank.
"But if you need to call me something, my name is Serafina. Just call me Sera." She waved a hand.
"If you're some fucking guide from God, why the hell are you badmouthed too?" Jay glared at the mini-angel.
"Well, to tell you the truth, this is a punishment for deciding to plant the angel frogs in a crowded auditorium-kinda place. Havoc is fun until you get caught." She smirked at Jay. "I'm sure you could understand."
"So what you're telling me and Silent Bob here is that you're not helping us voluntarily?" Jay asked. Bob looked at the angel with the same hard stare Jay was giving her.
"Are you kidding me? Who the hell would wanna help you idiots? Someone asking for a headache, that's who. If I didn't have this job I'd be all up there having a good time with all the other cherubs."
"Hey!"
"What? I'm a heaven person, I can't lie…it's unholy yanno." she smirked.
"Swearing is too." Jay shot back.
"Well that isn't fucking stopping you is it, blonde boy?" She replied coolly.
Silent Bob watched the two fight back and forth. He finally rolled his eyes and sat down, taking one of the plates to eat something. He shook his head as he took a bite, knowing it was going to be a very very long mission.