CHAPTER 16

GUILT MONEY

I didn't expect him to say yes. He was right, making another baby would be substituting one problem for another. But in my heart I knew I could handle raising another child. I didn't think I could handle losing this one. He was a strange man. There were times he seemed so cold and distant, others where he seemed human and caring. I frankly couldn't remember why I had slept with him. Maybe having the leg problem had turned him into an angry, bitter man. I didn't know. All I knew was that I wanted Chu-chu to have limited contact with him. I didn't want her to know what a jerk her father really was.

I went to the clinic and found Chu-chu and Cameron in Exam room 4. Chu-chu was listening to Cameron's heart. I liked Cameron, she was kind to Chu-chu. "Hi. Thanks for putting up with her."

As soon as Cameron saw me her face turned serious, "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

Chu-chu looked at me and then sadly said to Cameron, "It means that my Dad isn't a match."

I looked down and away from my daughter so that I could keep from crying.

Cameron was curious, but careful about our feelings. She asked very softly, "Match?"

Chu-chu looked at Cameron, "I need a bone marrow transfer or I'll die soon. AML."

Cameron's eyes registered shock, "Oh...I...Are you on the registry?"

"For over a year." Chu-chu answered.

I couldn't say anything because I could feel the emotions swirling and ready to explode once again. I choked and said to Chu-chu, "Let's go honey. Thanks again Dr. Cameron."

We left. We couldn't go back to our room until 4:00 pm so I decided to take her for a walk around the lake.

"Was I right Mom? Daddy didn't match did he?"

"No honey, he's not a match."

She squeezed my hand, "There's always the registry."

"Yep. You're right. At least we're one big step towards it. We have it paid for thanks to your Dad." I've always been steady, capable, calm in storms. But since Chu-chu became sick I kept feeling all of that being chipped away from me, exposing every feeling and emotion I had in my body like a stripped wire. I hated that, at times, it had to be my sick daughter who kept our spirits up.

"You don't like my Daddy, do you?"

"I like him enough. He's helping you. I like him for that."

"How did you meet?"

Oh no, she's going to ask and ask until she finds out her mother was a slut and knew her father less than two hours before jumping into bed with him. If I tell her a lie, she'll know. I'm going to have to paint this in the best way.

"Let's get somewhere warm and talk." We drove over to the shopping mall and went inside. I found a bench as far from the foot traffic as possible.

"I was in San Diego for a symposium. Remember that symposium I went to last year? Well, it was at the first one in San Diego. I was waiting for a friend at a restaurant and your father was sitting nearby. My friend didn't show up so your father was nice enough to keep me company. We talked awhile and we went back to his hotel room to talk. Well we got close and ended up having sex. You were conceived. But your Dad and I lived miles apart and I had forgotten to get his address. Stupid huh? I didn't know I was pregnant until it was way too late. And that's our story. I don't really know your Dad that well."

"Wow. You said you have to love someone if you're gonna have sex with them. Did you love Daddy?'

"I did that night. I loved that he was funny, kind to me and smart."

"Okay. Was he always sad?"

"Not the night I met him. But he didn't have to use a cane back then. Maybe his bad leg has something to do with his sadness."

"Let's go shoppin'." She said.

"Honey, we don't have any money."

"We can pretend."

We had several hours to kill, so we went and pretended that we had a lot of money. We tried on clothes. She tried on several fancy dresses. Dresses I had never been able to afford to give her. She tried on one, it was a delicate blend of electric blue velvet bodice with blue irises all over the white chiffon skirt. My daughter was so much the tomboy that I was surprised when she picked it out. She looked so pretty, a beautiful girl. The blue made her eyes even more prominent and gorgeous. She was going to be a long legged beauty when she was older. I smiled. "Honey, you look beautiful."

"I fee really pretty in it. Mommy, when I die, can you bury me in this dress?"

I felt like an ice pick just went through my heart. I gasped and stepped back from her like she had just hit me with the fatal blow.

"I'm sorry Mommy, I didn't mean it. Please, don't look so sad! I'm sorry! Please don't worry...come on. I'll take it off! I'm takin' it off!"

I couldn't move, the whole store just went swimming around and around. I sat down on the chair next to the dressing room and felt my heart start pounding, my hands went clammy and my breath was irregular.

"Mommy are you okay?" She ran off and I heard her say to the sales lady, "My mom is sick, can you help?"

My heart felt like it was squeezing down, tighter and tighter, as my breath became more and more shallow.

"Ma'am, are you okay? Can you tell me where it hurts?"

I tried to shake my head, "My chest...I'll be okay." I could hardly get the words out, "Panic...attack...okay...just...minute." I tried to think, tried to think of the sound of the Montana wind when I was walking the gulleys in the badlands. I started to calm down. The woman shoved a glass of water in my face and I drank some of it. I nodded at her and tried to thank her, but nothing came out. I was starting to get control over my breath, my heart, my chest. I nodded and smiled at Chu-chu who was crying and holding my hand. "Okay, honey, okay." She stopped crying. "Get dressed, let's go." I looked at the sales lady, "Thank you. I'm sorry about that. It just hit me out of the blue."

"Don't worry, I had several of them when my husband left me for the bimbo."

I again nodded and stood up, a little wobbly. Chu-chu came out in her jeans, shirt and jacket and we left. I said to her, "Let's get a hot chocolate."

I ordered a large hot chocolate for us to share. It was cheaper than two small ones. "I'm sorry Mommy."

"Honey, it wasn't your fault. But I want you to keep thinking good thoughts. We're going to get through this. You're going to live to be a beautiful woman with kids of your own."

"Sure Mommy."

At 4:15 pm we made our way back to the shelter. We got back and the lady at the desk signed us in. She looked at my name and said, "Maddie Doyle?"

"Yes."

"Oh, thank God. There's a guy making a nuisance of himself. He's over there watching television."

Chu-chu and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. We went around the barrier and there he was, sitting watching television with the valuable remote control in his hand. His chin was resting on his cane. He looked up when we came in and Chu-chu took off in his direction.

"Daddy!"

I saw him blink at the word and had to snicker. He was really having trouble coming to terms with that. She grabbed around his neck and he frowned a little and then relaxed. She kissed his cheek and pulled back to look in his eyes.

"Are you going to stay here with us in our room? I've got room in my bunk, I'll share!"

"No." He stood up and looked at me. "Get your stuff, you're not staying here."

"You don't tell me what to do." I stood there with my hands on my hips giving him the evil eye.

"I won't let my daughter stay in a disease ridden place like this. You want her to pick up an infection?"

When he put it that way, I felt sheepish. It wasn't the best environment for her. "Where are we going to go?"

"You'll sleep at my place tonight and tomorrow we'll find you a place."

"I can't...I won't – take your money."

"I'm going to pay for an apartment until you can find a job and pay yourself. For the last eight years, you've done all the supporting by yourself. I can do this."

"Mom...please. I hate it here."

I didn't like it either. It didn't take much to convince me.

He threw the remote at one of the scowling women sitting on a chair, "Now you can turn it to Oprah!"

We went up and packed and were out of the shelter within half an hour. I followed him to his apartment. When we got inside, Chu-chu went nuts with all the musical instruments that were sitting and hanging all over the front wall of the living room.

She yelled at her father, who had gone to the restroom, "I can play guitar! Want to hear me?"

There was no answer, just a flush and the sound of water running. He came out and looked down at her, "You play guitar?"

"Uh-huh."

"Acoustical or electric?"

"Acoustical. There's not too many plugs out on the badlands."

He went over and grabbed an acoustical guitar off the wall and handed it to her. "Play something for me."

She played the first few stanzas of, "Farewell Angelina." She stopped, looked at me, "Mom, you're suppose to sing the lyrics. You missed the bar."

House looked at me. "Before you start your duet, do either of you want something to drink?"

"Water, please." I answered.

"Caboose?"

"Milk."

"Okay, I just hope it hasn't spoiled." He turned to go into the kitchen.

Chu-chu started playing again and I went to the wall, grabbed another acoustical guitar and joined her. I started singing the lyrics to my daughter's delight.

Farewell AngelinaThe bells of the crown
Are being stolen by bandits
I must follow the sound
The triangle tingles
And the trumpet play slow
Farewell Angelina
The sky is on fire
And I must go.

Greg came into the living room with two glasses and then hobbled back in to get a glass that obviously had whiskey in it. He sat down and watched the two of us play and sing. He actually grinned at us as I continued the lyrics.

There's no need for anger
There's no need for blame
There's nothing to prove
Ev'rything's still the same
Just a table standing empty
By the edge of the sea
Farewell Angelina
The sky is trembling
And I must leave.

Greg got up and went to the piano and began to play with us. He played beautifully, just like his daughter, who obviously had his incredible ear for music.

The jacks and queens
Have forsaked the courtyard
Fifty-two gypsies
Now file past the guards
In the space where the deuce
And the ace once ran wild
Farewell Angelina
The sky is folding
I'll see you in a while.

See the cross-eyed pirates sitting
Perched in the sun
Shooting tin cans
With a sawed-off shotgun
And the neighbors they clap
And they cheer with each blast
Farewell Angelina
The sky's changing color
And I must leave fast.
King Kong, little elves
On the rooftops they dance
Valentino-type tangos
While the make-up man's hands
Shut the eyes of the dead
Not to embarrass anyone
Farewell Angelina
The sky is embarrassed
And I must be gone.

The machine guns are roaring
The puppets heave rocks
The fiends nail time bombs
To the hands of the clocks
Call me any name you like
I will never deny it
Farewell Angelina
The sky is erupting
I must go where it's quiet.

CHAPTER 17

KICKIN' SS AND TAKIN' NAMES

House smiled at both of them when they finished. He turned to Chu-chu. "Who taught you to play guitar?"

"Kevin and Mom. We play all the time around the camp. We know a lot of songs. I started playin' when I was 4. Now will you teach me the harmonica?"

"Come here," he moved over so she could sit on the piano bench with him. She sat down next to him. "This is middle C. This note on this page is middle C. As the notes go higher, they go higher on the page. C, D, E, F G, A, B. The black keys play double duty. They're either called a sharp or a flat, A sharp is B flat. Now, this is called a "C" scale." He played the C scale for her and then motioned for her to play it. She fumbled a little but played it through again and again. He went over got a piece of paper and put the signature down, 4/4 time and wrote out the scale in whole notes. He taught her a whole note and a half note along with what her left hand should be doing. Chu-chu sat at the piano after he got up and did a C scale over and over. Maddie followed him into the kitchen as he got a beer out of the refrigerator.

"You know she'll play that damn scale until you tell her to stop. When it comes to music she's got an obsessive/compulsive disorder. Kevin and I have taught her every song we know. She's voracious."

"Well, music is all about practicing. What do you guys want for dinner? I'll order in."

"We're pretty easy. We eat well when we're out in the field with the tourists and on scouting trips. Since we lost the house, we've been eating crappy food. Not enough room in the trailer to store anything worth while."

"You live in a trailer?"

"Yep. We used to have a house, not much, just a little two bedroom deal. But it was our home. I put a second mortgage on it when we needed the first round of chemo, had to sell it for the second."

He ignored her tale of woe, "So, this trailer you live in, is it a single wide or double wide?"

She laughed, "It's a travel trailer. We all live in travel trailers at the site."

"Permanently?"

"I'm permanent. The others go home to their houses in the winter and on the weekends."

He stared for a second and then shook his head, "Okay, I don't want to know this. Tell me what you want to eat?"

"Chinese."

'Great."

He called and ordered Chinese. They sat at the table and ate the sweet and sour pork and chicken chow mein. House spoke some Mandarin for Chu-chu and she laughed. "Teach me!" House shook his head, "Let's stick with piano lessons for now."

"You're insatiable. Eat your food." Maddie told her.

"Daddy, what happened to your leg?"

Once again he flinched when she called him Daddy. "You promise not to call me Daddy for half an hour and I promise to teach you a song on the piano." She nodded. He took a breath, "I had an infarction. Not enough blood got to my thigh muscle to keep it alive, it started to die and throw off clots. The doctors cut out the dead muscle and didn't leave me with enough muscle to do the things I used to do."

"Does it hurt?"

Maddie looked at him and shook her head as House chucked down some Vicodin to emphasize that he was in pain. "Yes, it hurts a lot. It is very painful at times. Other times, it doesn't hurt that much."

"I'm sorry." She touched his hand, "If I could make it better, I would. My Mom kisses my boo-boos. Maybe she could kiss yours."

House started laughing. "I think I'd like that." Maddie gave him a dirty look. He smiled at her mischievously while he continued to chew his food. After dinner they sat down and watched a little television. Around ten Chu-chu fell asleep on the sofa.

"I'll take the couch, you two can have the bed." House said.

"No, you need your sleep, you're working. She can sleep on the couch and I'll sleep on the floor."

"Let's not argue about this one. I'm really tired of bickering with you. It's only one night and I insist."

She shrugged her shoulders and then picked up her daughter and carry her back to the unmade bed. He got up and went in to get some clean underwear and saw her lay Chu-chu on the far side of the bed, put the covers over her and as they left, turn off the light.

"Where are your sheets?"

He pointed in the bathroom at a closet.She stopped in the bathroom and pulled some sheets and a blanket out of the linen closet. She went back out to the living room. House sat back down in his chair and watched her quietly make him a bed on the couch. She seemed at home, like she had always been there. She was done and ready to go to bed when House stopped her.

"We need to enroll her in school if you're staying in Princeton. We'll put her in Princeton Prep, it's geared towards kids with brains."

She turned and shook her head, "You should know that Chu-chu's sense of humor isn't appreciated all of the time. She frequently gets in trouble with the faculty and the students. She says what's on her mind, which wouldn't be so bad, but she says it with biting, sarcastic, humor."

"You're saying that she may get kicked out of the school?"

"Yeah, don't get your hopes up for a happy, uneventful semester."

He started chuckling, "Now I know what my parents went though. Sit down for a second, I want to talk to you."

She sat down and looked at him. He noticed that her grey eyes were tired. Her whole body seemed tired and worn down by the current events. He looked away for a second and rubbed his forehead, "I've reconsidered. I'll have sex with you. But if you have a child, there'll be no obligations on my part, okay?"

Her face was beaming. The tenor of her voice went up, "Right! I won't ask you for anything. You can trust me. Oh thank you, thank you."

"Don't get too excited, your chances of becoming pregnant are pretty slim. At your age and with the timing, we're not talking very good odds."

"Well, how much stamina do you have?"

"You mean, how often can I get it up?'

"Uh-huh."

"Let's just play it by ear. You have about five possible days of fertility out of which three days give you the best shot. Take your temperature and when it goes up a notch, we'll get together for the horizontal mambo."

She jumped up, excited and said, "Thanks. I appreciate this. I know you didn't want to do it. It really is her only hope, you know that?"

He nodded.

"I'm going to bed." She reached over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."

The next day they were busy. They enrolled Chu-chu in school and she wiggled with excitment. She had never gone to school in a city. She wanted to know what they were like. She was enrolled in second grade but Maddie warned the administration that Chu-chu would soon be bored and they should test her first. They agreed to test her on Thursday of the following week if she was showing signs of being bored.

Maddie told House, "They're going to be sorry they didn't listen to me."

"Now let's find you a place to live."

House called the property manager he used to find his apartment and within two hours they were standing in the second studio the property manager had shown them. This one was several miles from House's apartment. "It's too small. Studios are too small. We need a one bedroom." House said.

"Greg, I can't afford a one bedroom. I don't expect you to pay our way here. This studio will be fine. It's bigger than what we live in at home or for now."

He sneered, shook his head and then said, "Come on, show us a one bedroom." House motioned to the property manager to leave.

"Greg, this..."

"Let's not fight. While you're in Princeton I can kick in some money, you'll be able to afford it." He saw my reluctance and just as I was about to protest again he said, "Let's talk about it later. Let's go."

The property manager looked through her listings, "I have a one bedroom that's not much more than a studio and it's near your apartment Dr. House." She drove them over to the building which was just one block from House's place. The one bedroom was a little more than half the size of House's apartment, but still bigger than the studios.

"This is it." He nodded at Maddie.

"Don't you think it's a little close to you? She'll want to be at your apartment every day. You might want to think about this."

"I'm sure you can handle her. This is it."

They put the deposit down, House rented it in his name with his local references. The apartment was empty. House scratched his head, "We need to buy some furniture."

"No. I can buy a mattress for the floor and some linens. You've done enough for us. I'm beginning to feel strange about your generosity."

"She's my daughter. I want to do this for her. Not you. For her. Now, I want to get this over with so I can get back to work. Come on, let's go."

House drove to the Princeton shopping center and went through the furniture section of the department store. "Pick out a sofa and don't insult me by being a martyr and picking out the cheapest one. You pick the cheapest and I'll buy the most expensive, so let's not get in a pissing contest."

"Okay. I like that sofa."

"So do I. Now, you need twin beds?"

"No, we'll take a full bed. Sometimes when she's really ill, she wants to sleep with me."

"Okay. How about a bedroom set?"

She giggled, "We have so little to store. A chest of drawers will do."

"Let's get you some linens, dishes, that sort of thing."

They spent the afternoon picking out linens, dishes, flatware, a pan set, glasses, a small table and four chairs, some lamps and a bath mat. On their way out, House stopped in the electronics department. The department salesman rushed over. House looked around.

"I'll take the 36 inch Sony LCD with the TIVO and all the things necessary to hook it up."

"House, we don't need that." Maddie insisted.

"When you leave, you can give it to me."

When all the arrangements were made for delivery and installation, it was time to pick up Chu-chu. They arrived at the brick and ivy school to pick her up and noted right away that she was pissed off at something.

House looked at her, "Whas' up?"

"I'm pissed. They called me Chumani all day long. I told them it was Chu-chu and then they called me, "train." I told them to all go to hell–" Maddie started to say something about the cuss word, but House put a hand on her arm, "– but they just laughed at me and asked me if I was a sh!tkicker."

House burst out laughing much to Chu-chu's chagrin. He shook his head, "You say some strange things."

"Oh yeah, like don't judge me by my relatives." she gave House a mean look.

House roared but Maddie turned around. "Don't talk to your father like that. He just bought you a whole house full of furniture and a tv."

"It's okay. She's fine." He turned to Chu-chu, "Keep going, I'm on the edge of my seat. What did you say to them?"

"They were all around me in the schoolyard. They said that they're gonna make my life miserable. I told them, "Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there's a lot of sh!t to clean up.""

"Chu-chu! You mustn't use cuss words." Maddie was agitated. "You can't make friends by cussin' at them. You just remember girl, a smart ss don't fit in the saddle."

House was having a hard time containing his laughter. This mother-daughter repartee was priceless. His daughter was a hoot.

"But Mom." she moaned.

"Things go better when you mind your own teepee. I'm not pleased with the way you handled yourself."

House grinned at her, "I am. You certainly aren't going to make yourself well liked. You did stand up for yourself. But your Mom's right, you're not going to do well if you keep alienating everyone. Sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut to make things work."

"You mean if I find myself in a hole, I need to stop diggin?""

House started laughing again. "You're eight years old, where did you pick up all these quirky sayings?"

"I don't know."

Maddie smiled, "She's around cowboys all the time."

They got back to House's apartment and as they parked Chu-chu put her arms around House's neck from the back seat. "Daddy, are we staying at your place?"

Maddie started chuckling. House had flinched again at the word, "Daddy." House started to reach for his neck to remove her arms, but he stopped and let her hug him. "You're staying one more night until your furniture arrives."

They went into the apartment. Maddie put the bags down and went back out to the car to get the rest of the bags. She grabbed the keys to her jeep and turned to House, "She's yours for the next hour." The door slammed behind her before he could say anything else.

House looked at Chu-chu and gave her a silly look of shock. She giggled. "Want some milk?"

"Nooooo. Your milk tastes bad...yuck."

"A beer?"

"No goofy. I can't drink beer Daddy!"

" A Coke?"

"Okay."

He gave her a coke and grabbed a beer while he was at it. He left his cane swinging on the molding and hobbled into the living room and dropped down on the sofa. She came running out with her coke and put it on the table. She climbed over House and sat down next to him as close as she could get, took his arm and put it around her while they watched wrestling together. A half hour later the wrestling was over.

"Time for your piano lesson. Today we do a D scale and I teach you that song."

When Maddie got home they were at the piano playing. She walked in with several grocery bags and started putting food away as Chu-chu alternated between a C scale, a D scale, a C chord with her left hand and a song, Too-rah-Loo-rah-Loo. It didn't sound too bad. House got up and went into the kitchen and watched as Maddie got out some chopped beef cubes, some vegetables and beef consume.

"You're cooking dinner?"

"Stew. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

He sat in the kitchen as she diced and chopped and then made a sauce for the stew. House brought her over a beer. "Oh honey, I don't like beer." She gasped and stopped short. She turned to him, "Oh, I didn't mean "honey."

"Ah shucks, sweetie. Would you rather have a Grey Goose?"

"You have Grey Goose just laying around?"

"No, I have it in a bottle." he smiled like an elf.

"It's just so expensive."

"And I'm getting you a glass right now."

He brought her the glass and they sat down on the stools in the kitchen as Chu-chu practiced.

"She is obsessive, isn't she?" he laughed.

"I warned you." She laughed too.

"Are you sure you want to have another baby? It's a lot of work raising one, but you'd be raising two."

"That's the operative word, two. I'd be raising two. My daughter would be alive."

He nodded. "So this weekend is your time?"

"Yes." She looked away for a second, "What do I do about Chu-chu?"

"While we're screwing?"

She closed her eyes, smiled a little and nodded, "Yes."

"We'll give her to Wilson for the weekend."

"We can't do that!"

"He'll love it. The idea of me having sex to save my daughter plays right into his fantasy about me being able to change into a caring human."

"You are doing it to save her, aren't you?"

"Of course. I'm certainly not doing it because I want another child. That's not my idea of why I have sex."

"I feel a little strange asking you to be a turkey baster."

"Would you prefer I just give you the sperm in a bottle?" he asked.

"I thought more sperm survived from having sex rather than...you know?"

"That's true, but we're only talking about maybe a 15 difference."

"Would you prefer just giving me the semen?"

"Are you more comfortable with a turkey baster?" he said it a little loudly so that Chu-chu might hear.

"Shhhh. I can't help thinking that the best chance is the old fashion way because we can do it several times in one night rather than just one deposit."

"You probably increase the chances substantially that way."

Nothing more was said, but they both knew they had just settled the matter and as soon as her body temperature elevated they'd have sex.

House loved the stew. He wasn't sure what was so good about it, but it tasted great. He enjoyed sitting with the two of them eating and sharing stories.

The following day House went to work; Chu-chu went to school and Maddie moved them into the new apartment

When Chu-chu saw the apartment and the new furniture she was happy. "Can we have Daddy over for dinner?"

"We can invite him. Did you ask your Dad if you can call him Daddy?"

"Why should I?"

"He's never been a Daddy before. He might find it odd to answer to that."

"Well he won't get used to it unless I call him that."

"Okay. Fine. I'm just saying he might not appreciate it."

"I'm going to go over for my piano lesson."

"No honey, stay here today. Let your Daddy have a day off from us. It's been a big shock and he needs to be able to relax."

"But I want to!"

"I know you do, but let him have some time alone. Maybe tomorrow."

She ran into the other room and slammed the door. Maddie rolled her eyes and chuckled. Ahhh. Sometimes her daughter was a handful. But it was days like this, when her daughter acted like a normal misbehaved kid that she loved the most.

CHAPTER 18

MAKIN' BABIES

On Friday at noon I returned from an interview and took my temperature. It was up a notch. My heart started beating fast. I grabbed my cell and dialed his cell phone. "Hi, Greg?"

"Yes?"

"My temperature is up."

"Okay, I'll finish up and be over in a few minutes."

I took a shower, put on a little mascara and brushed my teeth–twice. I was nervous and happy all at the same time. I felt in control for once. I was taking a positive action to save my daughter, not just leaving it in someone else's hands. I got out some cheap whiskey I had splurged on and opened up a can of nuts. I put the nuts on the dining table.

He knocked on the door and I opened it. He looked sober standing in the hall leaning slightly on his cane. Then he yelled for all of Princeton to hear, "Excuse me Ma'am, but did you call a plumber? Did you say your pipes needed to be snaked?"

I was mortified! I opened the door and pulled him inside. "Are you nuts?"

He took off his jacket in the living room and then went to the door jamb of the bedroom. He ditched his shoes and socks, took off his shirt and began to take off his t-shirt. When he saw I was just standing there, he stopped and looked at me sideways, "When I was in med school, we were taught that it usually took two people to have sexual intercourse, unless of course you were going to give me a blow up doll. Aren't you at least going to show me your titties?"

My mouth dropped open and I just stared. Finally I managed to say, "I thought we might have a drink, some nuts...uhhh. It's been a very long time for me...three years."

He shook his head like he hadn't heard right, "Whoa. Sorry about your barren years, but I only have forty-five minutes left on my lunch hour before I have clinic duty. If we're going to make a baby, you're going to have to let me see your breasts, suck them and then open the barn door to let the bull in...if you get what I mean."

He continued to undress and then crawled under the sheets, his head propped up on his folded arms waiting for me. I undressed down to my panties and bra. I undid my bra with my back to him. I dropped the bra and but my arms around my breasts, picked up the sheet and got under.

My voice cracked as I said, "Should we kiss?"

"We're going to have to do something to get this party started, 'cause I'm not feeling it yet. I turned to him, tucking the sheet around me, and parted my lips a little."

He gave me a half smile of pity, "You know, I really have to get going. I'm going to have to see those breasts if you want little Greg to perform. But, if you'd just like to hold hands and sing Kumbaya, I can do that too."

I was unsettled. I pulled the sheet from around my breasts and, as I looked off to the side, I showed him my breasts.

"Ohhhhhh...yeah, I remember now. That's a nice pair of knockers. They could be a little bigger but they're round and perky. Look at those nipples, firm, erect. You know, only women who've had children have nice erect, nipples like that. I need a taste of that."

"Do you mind not giving me the commentary. I'm feeling a little awkward and it's not helping."

"No problem, I'm going to start sucking anyway." He wiggled his eyebrows and started to fondle my breasts. He licked and sucked them for several minutes while exploring the curves of my body with his hand. I could feel his hardness pressing against my leg. He rolled off of me a little and picked up the sheet to look at my pubic hair. He ran his hand through it and then his hand followed down the hair to my labia. He pushed his middle finger between them. I was dry. He played a few minutes with my clitoris until I could feel myself getting a little wet. He climbed on top of me and felt again. He took his penis and with the little wetness that had already formed on top of the head, he rubbed me, making me wetter. It felt good, my groin was aching. But I was still really tense.

He was watching himself do this to me. After a few minutes, he took his penis and guided it inside. He was very hard and I was still a little dry. He finally looked up at me. He slowed down, looked at my eyes, took his hand and pulled a stray hair back from my face. "You look frightened. I feel like a rapist."

"I'm sorry. I know in San Diego I must have seemed like a slut, but I really haven't had a lot of lovers. And I haven't had a man between my legs for three years. I keep wondering if I'm pretty enough, sexy enough, good enough to do this."

"I'm in and I'm hard, so I think you can cross, pretty and sexy off your list. Now good? We'll have to see how good you are." The whole time we were talking he was gently keeping the friction between us by his slow, gentle thrust. I was wetter now and it felt easier to accommodate him. He kept watching my face. I didn't know if I was suppose to respond or not. I didn't want him to think that I was doing this to have an orgasm or have fun. I knew this wasn't recreational sex. This was sex with a single purpose. I looked into his blue eyes and he reached down and kissed me, parting my lips with his tongue and biting my lower lip as he pulled back. He picked up speed and kissed my neck and ear. I kissed his ear back. I sucked his ear lobe. He buried his head in my neck and the pillow and penetrated me as deep as he could, over and over. He ejaculated each time. He pulled out, rolled over and sighed. He sat up and looked down at me.

"You have beautiful breasts." He got up, went into my bathroom, took a shower and came out to the living room.

It was time for him to get back to work. I handed him a paper bag, "Here, I made sandwiches. Take them with you."

"Thanks dear. I'll be back over after work around six pm. Have you talked to Wilson?"

"I thought you were going to talk to him?" I said.

"I haven't had time. You need to call and set it up."

"Well...okay." I called Wilson and he was incredibly happy about House's change of heart. He said yes immediately.

"I'll pick her up from school and take her home. You can pick her up tomorrow." he volunteered.

"Oh no, I'll pick her up tonight. He won't be spending the night. This is strictly business. Once we do it, he's out of here."

"Well let him stay and do it a few times. That is if the old curmudgeon can do it."

I laughed. "Thanks Jim."

CHAPTER 19

DRY REHEARSAL

She waited for him to come over at 6:00 pm but he didn't show. She called the hospital and spoke to Cameron.

"Dr. Cameron, is Greg there?"

"He went home a few hours ago."

"He did?"

"I saw him pack up and leave. He was tired."

She hung up the phone. She stared at the ceiling, He changed his mind. Damn, he changed his mind. Her heart crashed to the floor. I've got to keep going. Maybe the one time worked. I might be pregnant. She looked at her watch. I need to go over to Jim's to pick up Chu-chu. She took off and drove towards Jim's apartment.

As she drove through the town, she made a wrong turn and found herself driving along a string of bars and restaurants. She saw his car first and then she saw him in the window seated in a cane back chair. He sat in his suit jacket, a wrinkled shirt and jeans. He was smiling at the young blonde woman sitting across from him. She was smiling back. That was all she saw in the quick seconds as she passed by.

Tears started falling down each of her cheeks and onto her arms. She didn't think she could take any more disappointment in her life. When she got to Jim's house she wiped the tears and knocked on the door. He answered and said, "Oh, you're early. I didn't think I would see you for a few more hours. She's still up."

"I'm very tired, If you don't mind, I'll just get Chu-chu and we'll be out of your hair."

"Sure. I know you're in the middle of your "window of opportunity." If you need me to watch her this weekend, not a problem."

She thanked him and motioned to Chu-chu to get her coat. When they got home, she noticed that she had a voice mail. When she dialed she heard the digital voice say 9:23 pm and then his voice, "I'm sorry it's going to be later. I'm still at the hospital with my patient. I'll drop by later."

Around 2 am there was a loud knock on the door. She quickly glanced at Chu-chu, still asleep, before she threw off the covers. She got up, put on her robe and went to the door. She opened it and he was standing there, leaning heavily on his cane. She frowned and opened the door to let him in. He smelled like cigars and booze.

He grabbed her and said, "Let's go." He started towards the bedroom door. She pulled away.

"Chu-chu's in there."

"What? Wilson told me you had it worked out with him."

She grabbed her robe, wrapped it and crossed her arms against her body, "I went and got her when you didn't make it."

He grimaced. "Crap, now what?"

"I don't know Greg. Do you even have any semen left?"

He looked stunned, "What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter, go home. This was a bad idea."

He held his arms out, "Look, I'm here."

He's right. He's here and my daughter is still sick. A baby sibling would be the answer to our prayers. I just have to spread my legs and let this man enjoy himself. Look at him. It makes me sick to my stomach. This man is cruel and mean and cares so little about others. It makes me sad that he's the man I need to make this happen.

"She's in bed...there's the sofa."

"Okay." He started taking his shirt off and then his t-shirt. I took off my pajama bottoms and threw them on the sofa to protect it from stains. He took his shoes and socks off and then his pants. He was standing, obviously tipsy, with no spark at all. He looked at me, "You're going to have to take your top off, show me your breasts or we're going to be here all night."

I took my top off and wanted to hide my breasts, but didn't. He walked a little closer and he put his hand on my breast. I did nothing. He put his other hand on the other breast. I could see a little movement in his boxers.

"Take your panties off and lay down."

I took my panties off and climbed onto the sofa. He sat down at the other end of the sofa. He took his hands and pushed my legs apart and looked down. I could feel myself blushing. He didn't seem to notice, he simply reached up and played with the folds between my legs, opened them up and smiled. He rubbed my clitoris a little and then checked me like a dipstick in a car engine.

"You're too dry." He sounded surprised.

Well what do you expect, you're such an ss, I can't stand the idea that I have to screw you. I tried to make myself think erotic thoughts. He continued to rub me. I guess I was still dry because the next thing I know, he put his head between my legs and stuck his tongue as far inside of me as he could and then licked my clitoris over and over. I squirmed from the little spurts of ecstacy that surged from my clitoris through me. I was starting to feel myself getting wet. He must have been satisfied, because he spread my folds and then lifted himself up onto me. He entered me and I turned my head to the side and looked at the blank television screen. He smelled so much like a bar, I wanted to cry. He let out a few grunts and then he was done. I was so grateful that it was over.

He dropped onto me and fell asleep. I pinched him awake. He woke up. "You need to get out of here."

"Huh?"

"You need to get out of here before Chu-chu sees you."

"Okay."he said rather groggily.

"I'm going to stay on the couch to keep the semen inside, let yourself out."

He did. I laid there for an hour and then got up and took a shower. I had a hard time getting to sleep, wondering what I was doing and if this was worth it. But I took one look over at my sleeping daughter, her tiny face on the pillow and knew this was the only choice I had.

The next day he called, "When do you want me over for our next session?"

"I need to get Chu-chu over to Wilson's so give me a couple of hours."

"Noon?"

"That's fine."

Jim took Chu-chu and told me that he'd drop her off after dinner but that he'd call first. He had a whole day planned for her. I could see she was excited, she loved Jim.

I drove home and didn't bother getting cleaned up. I wasn't exactly feeling sexy or in the mood for his attentions. When the clock said, "12:35 pm" I wanted to scream, but then there was a knock on the door. He stood in the hall dressed in levis, a sweater and a jacket, holding two bags. I opened the door further for him to come inside.

"I brought lunch. I hope you like burritos." He went to the table, pulled out two burritos, a diet coke for me and a Dr. Pepper for him. I realized that I was hungry. I kept forgetting to eat when Chu-chu wasn't around. "You're losing weight and if you're going to get pregnant, you need all your strength."

We sat quietly eating and he kept watching me like a zoology experiment. "Okay, I give up. What's wrong?" he asked.

I looked over at him slowly. I said nothing at first, but he tilted his head as if to ask the question again. "I know that you slept with another woman last night and that you weren't with a patient."

He rolled his eyes, "I had a date. I had forgotten about it until she showed up in the office ready to go. I got here as soon as it would be polite."

"Yes, a polite time between screwing her and being able to leave without her moaning."

"If you have to know, yes."

"I sat here waiting for you."

"Boo-hoo. I gave you what you wanted."

"No, you didn't. You gave her the best chance of the night. The first load contains the most sperm and you know it. You took that chance away from your daughter."

I must have his sore spot because he slammed his fist down and yelled at me, "F#ck, it's always a guilt trip around you. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want to be a part of all this, you should have gotten the abortion. It would have been an easier death for her." He grabbed his keys and jacket and took off out the door.

My heart started racing. What have I done? He's gone and his precious sperm went with him. What am I going to do? I have to go beg for his forgiveness. I have to do whatever is necessary to get him to sleep with me. What was I thinking?

I grabbed my keys and jacket and started out the door. I was just out the door when I saw him standing in the hall with his head hanging down, his hand up to his forehead and I'm pretty sure a tear rolling down his cheek. He pushed me out of the way and went through my door and back into the apartment.

He took his jacket off, grabbed me and kissed me. He tasted like carne asada. I kissed him back and started taking my jacket off. He grabbed my t'shirt and took it up and over my head, popped my bra off and started kissing me while he was fondling my breast. He reached down and licked my nipples and then sucked them. He pulled me into the bedroom and then took off his sweater, t-shirt, and shoes. He wasn't looking at me while but continued to undo his levis and pull them down over his socks. He ripped the covers back and pushed me down. He was ready, his erection pushing against his shorts. I pulled my pants and panties down quickly and he pulled his shorts down so quickly we looked like we were in a teenage sex tryst. He put my legs over his shoulder and stabbed between my legs with so much force I cried out. He didn't stop, he just kept driving deeper and deeper, penetrating me so deeply I could feel him up against my cervix. He stopped in full thrust and then pushed into me three more times, each time halting at the top of the thrust and gasping with each halt. He let out a breath and fell off to the side.

I was breathing hard too. The position wasn't the most comfortable for me, it pushes everything up against your ribs and chest. But it is probably the best position for fertilization and so I didn't have any complaints. I looked over at him and he was staring up into space.

I swallowed hard, "I'm sorry. I know I was trying to make you feel guilty. I was angry. You have every right to want to lead a normal life away from all of this. I can't blame you for going out on a date and getting away from us. I haven't had a date in three years, not a single night out, not a cozy dinner with a man. When I saw you with her all I could think of was how much I missed being with someone. To go back to the days that the only worry I had was whether or not there was lipstick on my teeth. I was just jealous...and angry that you didn't call."

He had turned his head and was listening to me. He shook his head gently and let out a quick snicker. "I lied to you. I called her yesterday afternoon and asked her out. I didn't want to be here, be with you, think about this. I wanted to just forget it all. I thought that, if I didn't show up, you'd get the hint and go away. But of course the whole time I'm screwing her I keep thinking about this. When I pulled the condom off and threw it in the toilet I thought, 'Is that the sperm that would have saved Chu-chu's life? Am I sending my daughter's life down the toilet? I left and came over here."

"Well, you came and you made a donation. Let's not think about what went down the toilet. You're here now and I'm grateful, really, really grateful."

"I need some water. You stay there, you might want to elevate your hips a little."

I pulled a pillow under my butt and waited until he returned with two glasses of water. I sat up on my elbows and had a drink.

"You have a nice body considering you've already had a kid."

I looked at my body. I had cellulite, a little bit of a pooch from carrying Chu-chu, and I was short-waisted. But I had really nice breasts and long, shapely legs. I wasn't fat either. I guess it was okay. I wish I had less jiggle all over, but I didn't get to work out anymore, so my body was what it was, a 37 almost 38 year old mother's body. "Thanks, I guess."

"If we wait a half hour I can probably go another round."

"Jim isn't going to bring Chu-chu back until after dinner tonight. So you have some time. I didn't plan anything other than staying in bed all day, with you."

He laughed. "You make it sound like, "I have to do the laundry, weed the garden, paint the fence and have sex all day with you."

I laughed. He was right. I did make it sound like an unpleasant task. "I'm sorry, but let's face it, if it hadn't been for those T.Rexes and your whiskey, we wouldn't be here. We don't have much in common except for a daughter and I don't know if I like you much. I appreciate everything that you have done and are doing, but if it weren't for Chu-chu, I don't think we'd be in the same room."

He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I tend to like my women...ah forget it.'

"No, tell me. Believe me, I won't be hurt."

"I like them to be witty, pretty and young. And you may be pretty, in a Mom kind of way, but you aren't very witty or young. I also like for them to be from the city. No offense, but considering my leg, I'm not an outdoor guy anymore. To top it off, I think of someone in a cowboy hat and immediately I think, "mentally challenged.""

I rolled my eyes at that. "Well, aren't we open minded? I used to be witty and fun, before Chu-chu got sick. Now most of my emotions center around feeling helpless. And I did graduated magna sum laude in both my majors. I guess I look at a guy who lives alone, drinks and pops vicodin, is so out of touch with his feelings that he can purposefully forget about his dying daughter and go out and screw a bimbo, and say to myself, "loser."

He looked at me with twinkling eyes, "Come on, stop holding back."

We both laughed. It was actually a relief to know that we weren't attracted to each other; that we could just enjoy each other's company for what it was, two people who had a common goal. He closed his eyes and took a short nap. I couldn't help but look at his body. He was going gray. The tips of his hair were graying, there was a spot on the back of his head that was thinning. He had a cupid's bow for a mouth but it was hidden by the closely clipped beard that he wore. He had a nice patch of hair on his chest, not too little, not too much for my taste. I smiled because it was going gray too. I followed his happy trail from his navel to his penis. It was laying limply under a patch of dark brown and gray pubic hair, waiting for his master to summon him for duty. It was then that I got a good look at the scar on his right thigh.

I sat up and looked down at it. It was shriveled and looked terribly painful. I couldn't help but think that whoever had done the surgery did a lousy job at making it look normal. The thigh was missing about a quarter of its girth. I assumed that was the muscle that had been removed. I wanted to touch it, feel it, but I didn't. For some reason, he wore this scar, his bad leg, like a badge which told the world who he was. I really didn't want to know who he was. Maybe if I knew, then I would see him as more than just a disgruntled human, more than a loser.

He woke up around 2:00 pm. I was in the kitchen cleaning up in my t-shirt and panties. He yelled from the bathroom, "Got a toothbrush? I've got carne asada burrito in my teeth."

"Just mine. I guess if you rinse it in hot water, you can use it." I heard him brush his teeth and gargle with mouth wash.

He walked out and watched me working in the kitchen. I could see his reflection in the window. I let out the dish water and turned and looked at him standing there in the nude. I had to smile, this seemed so absurd, like a really bad social experiment.

"Are you ready?" I picked up the tea towel and dried my hands.

He chuckled. "This is like a scene out of a French Farce. Sure, if you are."

We walked back to the bedroom like we were walking into a grocery store, talking about the price of gas.

"I can't believe the price of gas went up so quickly." I said as I took the t-shirt up over my head and climbed into bed.

"It's just going to get worse in spring." he picked up the sheets and climbed in with me.

I felt really awkward. This was the first time we were going to have sex without alcohol or some emotional drama. So far, it had been about as mechanical as it could get. He lay there.

"I think I need to look at your breasts to get going."

"Sure." I took the sheet off and he looked at them and then at me. He started laughing.

I covered them up quickly, embarrassed, wondering what was wrong with them.

He was still laughing, "No, I wasn't laughing at your breasts, I was laughing at the matter of fact expression on your face and the robotic way you took the sheet off. It's like a really bad Kinsey experiment." His face went sober and he used a deep voice, "We experimented to see just how much breast she had to expose before he had an erection. When the requisite erection wasn't achieved, we allowed him to touch the breasts, then fondle and suck, all the while monitoring the fullness of the erection until he was able to achieve penetration."

I started giggling. "I guess it is pretty sterile. Is there something you want me to do?"

"No, I think I can get it up if we continue."

"I could stroke you."

"Hmmm." he pretending to think about it.

"Head? I could give you head."

He grinned, "You should know that no man turns down head. I'm game for that."

I sighed, picked up the sheet and climbed down. I encircled his belly button with my lips, kissing him softly and blowing on his navel. I stuck my tongue into his belly button and then dragged it down his happy trail. I had my hands wrapped around his balls and was fondling them gently. I slipped my tongue past his penis and went underneath, taking each ball in my mouth, one at a time and mouthing it. He let out an appreciative, "Ahhh." I licked him where his balls met his penis. His penis was fully erect, this was doing the trick quite nicely. I took my tongue and ran it from the base of his penis up the ridge and around the rim several times. I put my hand at the base and began slowly pumping him while my entire mouth encircled the head. My tongue licked the top and then around the rim, over and over as I continued to pump. I switched to sucking motions. I sucked in the same rhythm as I pumped until he was trying to back off.

"Let me inside you, Christ you touch me again and I'm going to explode."

I turned over on my back and spread my legs. He took one look between my legs and took in a sharp breath, plunged inside and ejaculated without any fanfare. He pumped and ejaculated again and again until he let out a breath and started chuckling.

"Jesus, I almost didn't make it inside. We've got to be careful. You give great head, too good. You need to back off sooner and let me ride you or we'll be cleaning up your stomach the good old Catholic way."

"Okay." I said somewhat surprised at the compliment.

He pulled me over to him and stuck his hand between my legs. I jumped back, "What are you doing?" I was stunned.

"Giving you an orgasm." He saw my shock, "Look, the physiological reason for an orgasm is to pull the semen even further into the vagina with contractions. Besides, I've come three times and you've just had to watch. Even a waitress at Starbucks has a tip jar."

I was puzzled by that last remark, but the whole time he was talking he had been stroking my clitoris and I was feeling quick, sharp pangs of pleasure leading up to an orgasm. I wanted an orgasm from a man. I wanted to feel a warm body next to mine and someone else controlling it other than me with my handy vibrator. He dipped inside of me and then spread the wetness over my clitoris and began using different pressures and motions. It felt so good. My thighs tightened, my pelvis pushed back into the bed and my breasts protruded. Then he started in earnest. He stuck his fingers inside and continued in and out while brushing the clitoris each time. I didn't want to look at him when I came. Orgasms are so intense, you look hideous when they happen, but I couldn't help it. He was turned towards me, bending slightly over me as he used his hand to rub me. When it came I grabbed him around him neck, looked up into his eyes and moaned, "Faster, faster...oh yeah, God...God...yeah, yeah...that's it...right there-OHhhhhhhhh." My whole body contracted and flushed. I felt the orgasm everywhere, my groin, my stomach, my nipples, my cheeks. And then the contractions dissipated. He smiled very kindly at me, made no comments about my scrunched up orgasmic face or the sounds I made. He just pulled his hand out and kissed me softly on my lips. He pulled away and laid back down on the pillow. I was still laying in the crook of his arm.

I wanted to grab him and yell, "Thank you, thank you, thank you. But I knew I'd probably scare him to death. I fell asleep, relaxed for the first time in three years. I woke up, my head on his chest. He had my novel from the night stand in his other hand reading. The arm I was pinning down was loose at the elbow and he was stroking me over and over. It felt so soothing. I could smell a mixture of sweat, musk, semen and some type of almond soap. He was warm too. I picked myself up and he put the book down to look at me.

"Good evening sleepy head."

"Evening?"

"It's 6:30."

"Oh. Jim should be bringing Chu-chu home soon."

"Then we better get in out last go. Can you get me a drink of water before we begin?"

I nodded and went in to fill up his glass again. I brought it back and he looked at me, "You really do have a nice, womanly body. I like it."

"Thanks again. Are you going to need head again?"

He started laughing, "No, seeing you naked has stirred things up. How about a different position though? Lay down on the edge of the bed."

I laid down and brought my bottom all the way over to the edge of the bed, my knees bent, waiting for instructions.

"Turn on your right side." He laid down behind me and pulled my bent right leg up, my knee near my breast exposing my labia. "Yeah that's good." He played with my breasts while nibbling on my ear. He kissed me down my spine and his hand reached around and fondled my clitoris. He stroked it softly and then with just a little more pressure. He stood up and from a standing position, entered me. The penetration was deep but the clitoris was stimulated by both his thrusting and his fingers. He watched what he was doing and I could see it was a real turn on for him. He fell over on my side and continued to thrust hard until I came. It was a surprise to me how fast it came. Once I felt his body on me, his breath on my neck, the waves of my orgasm hit like a perfect storm. I was grasping at the bedspread and moaning. I was going blank. All I could hear was his own moaning in my ear as he came over and over. He stood up again, pulled out and then collapsed onto the bed.

"Where did you learn that one?" I asked.

"Kama Sutra."

"I don't think I can take anymore today. I'm totally exhausted and just want to crawl up and sleep."

"You and me both. Jesus, I never thought making babies could be so exhausting." he exhaled loudly.

"Well, we're both nine years older that when we did it the first time!"

"Speak for yourself. I just like to think of myself as being so good that we only need to do it three times."

"I hope it works." I said.

"I don't know how to take that. It would be great for Chu-chu, but you sound like you just don't want to have sex with me."

"The sex is great. You're great in bed. Absolutely no complaints. It's just that, it's sex, not making love. I kind of miss that connection. It's a girl thing."

"It must be, because I'm feeling the connection over and over. I'm going to take a shower and get going, okay?"

"Sure."

"You're still in the fertile zone for the next two days. What do you want to do?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to go for it. We need all the help we can get."

"Alright."

"I'll figure out what to do with Chu-chu."

Wilson came by. He was all smiles. Chu-chu was telling him all about dinosaurs and the funny things tourists do when they come out to the site, like try to steal the bones.

"I've had a great time. She's so funny. I won't ask how it went. You two getting together tomorrow?"

I shrugged and gave a plaintive look.

"I can watch her in the morning, but not the afternoon."

"Thanks. What time do you want me to bring her over?"

"How about 9 am to noon?"

"Sure."

I was fixing dinner and chatting with Chu-chu about her time with Jim. She put plates on the table and as she was getting the silverware asked me, "What did you do while I was gone?"

"I spent some time with your father. We wanted to go over some important business."

"Are you going to marry him?"

I turned and looked at her, "Oh sweetie, no, I told you before we're not getting married. You father isn't in love with me and I'm not in love with him. But we love you and that's what's important to both of us."

"Mom, when you're around he's not as mean. I think he feels better about things when you're nearby."

"No, he just feels sorry for me because of what we've gone through. Don't confuse his kindness with love. How do you feel about him?"

"I loved him from the minute I saw him."

"Why Chu-chu? He's not exactly a nice person sometimes."

"Because he speaks his mind, he's funny and he treats me like I can understand things."

I thought about it. Chu-chu hated to be treated like a child and Greg didn't, "I see what you mean. Let's eat."