Chapter 3

'Christian…I've missed you so much!'

Syed smiled faintly in his sleep, the corners of his mouth slightly turned up but his eyes still tightly closed. Still asleep, blissfully unaware of how his unconscious thoughts had been heard, he stirred slightly.

Sam rolled away from Syed's sleeping frame. He unlocked his arms from around Syed and lay on his back staring at the ceiling. The words echoed in his head over again:

'Christian…I've missed you so much!'

Sam tried to clear his head. He looked across at his sleeping lover – had he seen Christian? Was he missing him? Syed had been upset earlier, had gone off to bed on his own, unusual in itself and had reverted to lying – his customary technique to cover up when he was worried about something. He would talk to Syed in the morning.

Lying awake, sleep elusive, Sam replayed the last ten years in his head. He was still amazed that they'd managed ten years – a long time by most people's standards!

From the moment that they'd met, he'd been completely smitten by the young Muslim man having seen him sitting alone at a bar clutching a glass of orange juice and looking as if he had the weight of all the world's troubles on his shoulders. Sam had sat next to him at the bar sipping his own drink. Syed gave a few furtive glances in his direction and after a while they started chatting, easily, as if they'd known each other for ages. There was no doubt that Syed was very attractive and Sam tried to make up his mind whether or not he was gay. The long, dark, scruffy hair, half covering his face and beautiful eyes, together with a slight boyish frame really appealed to Sam and he hoped that his instincts regarding Syed's sexuality were correct.

Syed finished his third glass of juice and stood up to go. Sam drew in his breath and asked if Syed would like to join him for dinner. With hardly a missed beat, Syed said that he would love to go and, over dinner, conversation flowed easily. By the end of the evening, Syed had told him some of his past story and had told him a little about Christian. Even then, Sam noticed how Syed's eyes lit up when he talked about Christian but a look of unimaginable sadness was on his face at the same time. No doubt he'd learn more as time went on he thought and he did – quickly realising that Christian was the love of Syed's life and he missed him desperately.

Their relationship had moved quickly so that Syed was soon dating Sam constantly and they were rarely apart. They adored each other although Sam sometimes felt that Syed was holding back from him but he always tried to put thoughts like that out of his mind. He had, however, always harboured a secret fear that their happiness would only last so long as Christian stayed a past memory and not a reality. He knew that Syed had been deeply hurt by the loss of his parents and Christian, for different reasons, but both upsetting him more than was imaginable. He and Syed had an unspoken agreement that Christian's name would never be mentioned…until now.

Sam realised with a start that it was 7 am – he'd hardly slept but had mentally played every scenario through the night, each one more lurid and hopeless than the previous one. Exhausted, Sam rolled off the bed and went to have a shower leaving Syed asleep. He came back ten minutes later to find Syed had woken and was now crashing about in the kitchen downstairs wearing his big towelling dressing gown..

As Sam walked in the room Syed asked,

'Do you want some toast?'

'Um…not really hungry.'

'Oh? Coffee then?'

'Yep, please'

They sat at the table, not speaking or looking at one another. Sam's heart was pounding – now was his chance to clear this all up!

'You were upset about something last night,' he ventured.

'I told you, I was tired.'

'But you were crying weren't you?'

'Told you – I had a bad day at work.'

Sam sighed – he knew that when Syed was in this mood he was impossible!

He tried again.

'Who did you see yesterday?'

'Just work people – we had that birthday lunch - remember.'

'Nothing happened on the way home?'

'NO!' snapped Syed, 'Will you stop interrogating me – there's nothing wrong but there will be if you carry on like this! I just have a decision to make.'

'Decision?'

'Yes – now leave it will you!'

And he turned and walked huffily out of the room slamming the door so hard that the frame shook. Sam remained where he was – no use going after him when he was like this. He knew now that something was wrong – Syed always reacted like this when pushed into a corner. Walking out and slamming doors was his speciality!

Meanwhile, upstairs, having made his dramatic exit, Syed flung himself on the bed, tears streaming down his face. He had lied to Sam and he suspected that Sam knew he had. And there was still the mind-numbing fact that Christian was in hospital without him, to deal with. His body shook and his chest heaved as he imagined Christian alone. He wanted to run out and go to him there and then but what about Sam and what would Jane and his parents think? His sobs grew louder and he pushed his face into the pillow to try to silence them.

Suddenly, he leapt off the bed and rushed to the bathroom and was violently sick. Afterwards, he looked in the mirror as he was wiping his mouth and saw Sam standing behind him, his face pale and concerned.

'Syed, you look a mess,' he said and wrapped an arm round his shoulders.

Syed looked at himself and couldn't help but agree – tear stained face, unbrushed face and stubble showing. He started to sob uncontrollably again leaning his head against Sam's shoulder. His own shoulders heaved and he nearly vomited again.

Sam spun him round and held him gently at arm's length looking deep into his eyes.

'Look, I know there's something wrong. Are you going to tell me what it is?'

'Everything's fine,' denied Syed, 'Everything's fine', he repeated.

'I know that something is wrong – you were talking in your sleep last night!'

Syed's sobs stopped and he felt a wave of panic wash over him.

'What…what did I say?' he mumbled.

What had he said? He'd gone to bed thinking of Christian! Surely he'd not blurted anything out about his conversation with Alex!

It was Sam's turn to look sad. To Syed's distress he noticed a large tear developing in the corner of each of his eyes, spilling over and running down his cheek.

'You….thought….I was Christian when I cuddled you… you said you'd missed me!'

Syed stood, unable to formulate any words, barely able to think. How could he lie his way out of this. He looked at Sam, dear adorable Sam, sitting on the edge of the bath, head in hands. Syed noticed his shoulders shaking – now he was really crying. What had he done?

For a moment neither spoke, the only sound was the stifled sobs coming from the blonde man sitting on the edge of the bath. Then Syed said, very quietly,

'I'm sorry…..there is something wrong….something very wrong.'

And he proceeded to tell Sam about the events of yesterday on the Tube. Sam listened, stunned. So he had been right – Syed had been lying but he hadn't expected him to be covering up this news. He began to feel clammy and very cold. As Syed talked, his voice seemed to be coming from further and further away, almost from the next room.

'…and so I have to decide whether to phone Jane,'

That was the last thing Sam heard as he fell forward and crumpled down onto the bathroom floor.