3 This chapter is a lot longer than the others so far but it needs to be.

(Carlisle POV)

i walked swiftly into the hospital. Dusk had just fallen and my shift was beginning. It was hard to leave the hospital when dawn broke but I had to. Despite the winter the sun shone bright here and the wards all had large windows letting in the sun. besides I got enough strange looks doing 15 hour shifts every night. Someone would say something if I was here in the day as well. I walked up to the nurses station.
"Anyone new, anyone gone" I asked.
"Yes. The jones family all died during the day I'm afraid. And Mrs mason and her son Edward came in about mid day. "
"Thank you"
I made my way onto the the ward to see the new arrivals. Mrs mason was bad I'd say she had a few days at most. Then i looked at Edward he was a borderline case he might pull through he might not that was clear at first glance, but it was not his potential survivor status that caught my attention. Even in sickness he was beautiful and then he opened his eyes and saw me standing there as soon as he noticed me he spoke
"Help my mother give my medicine to her"
In that instant a feeling that I couldn't place washed over me I filed it away for analysis later. Over the next few days I kept a close eye on them I refused Edwards request and gave them both the allotted doses of whatever I could but still they both deteriorated, Mrs mason faster than her son. Although Edward was stronger than his mother I could see now that he wasn't going to survive. The thought of him dying caused me pain although I didn't know why.
One night I arrived and went straight to check on Edward and his mother. She had taken a turn for the worse. She only had minutes left. I sat next to her. Suddenly she grabbed my hand and croaked to me
"I know what you are. I know you can make him like you, i know you can save him. He has to live, it doesn't matter if he isn't human as long as he is alive. Promise me you will save him"
I had been lonely for a very long time and had periodically considered creating a companion but I knew that i couldn't steal someone's life the way mine had been stolen, Yet here lay a boy who's life was over, who I couldn't bare the idea of dying and who's own mother not only gave me permission to change him but demanded it. It wasn't a hard decision to make.
"I will save him tonight" I promised her earnestly.
"Thank you" . She relaxed back into the pillow released my hand closed her eyes and took her last breath.
I took them both to the morgue nobody noticed that Edward was still alive his breath was weak and the hospital was overworked and understaffed, once the mourge was deserted i smuggled Edward out of the hospital and across the rooftops to my home. There I changed him, Although InThe beginning of my new life I had been unsure how I became a vampire I had learnt enough in my travels to know how the transformation Occoured. He wasn't quiet like I had been and every scream tore at my heart. I used the time to consider the feelings I had felt in his presence. By the time it was over thought I understood what these feelings were but I wasn't sure. when Edward awoke he stood tall strong and healthy and I knew in an instant that my analysis of my feelings was correct. I was in love with him.
In the same instant though I knew that I couldn't tell him. Let alone act on my feelings. He was a child in comparison to me. He needed me to be a guide a teacher and a friend. And that is what i resolved to be. I put my feelings in a chest in the back of my mind and pondered them no further.

The years flashed past and little things would catch my attention. Spark feelings of love. The grace with which he hunted, the beauty with which he played the piano, the joy he found in learning. I placed each spark in my carefully constructed chest before it could flare and continued to be his guide mentor and friend. As Edward discovered his mind reading gift I became more cautious I never considered or thought about the chest incase Edward saw it in my thoughts and I put each spark into the chest quickly so that Edward never noticed their existence.

Then he decided to leave for a while and I was sad to lose my companion but also heartbroken. I put the heartbreak in my chest and tried to ignore it. It was a lot harder to ignore the heartbreak than it had been to ignore the easily locked away sparks. When Edward returned I didn't care about what he had done i was simply overjoyed to have him back. My heart soared the day I saw him walk back though the door. I forgave him instantly. I put the intense love fuelled joy in the chest and focused on helping him come to terms with himself and get back onto the path he wanted to walk.

More years passed and manny more sparks ignited and were placed in the chest, i never opened it to see how much was there i would not risk allowing it to escape,

Then Esme came. I knew I had to save her when I saw her brought broken to the hospital. A drive that was both like and unlike the drive that had made me save Edward compelled me to save this heartbroken woman. She took to immortality beautifully and fit with us immediately Edward took her as a mother and she him as a son and our duo became a family. i realised i could love Esme and she could love me so we became mates, i didn't allow myself to analyse how this love compared to my love for Edward, i didn't even allow myself to wonder.

Not long after Esme came we moved to Rochester and one night I found Rosalie hale broken and abandoned on the side of the street. The drive to save found me again and I changed her. I both hoped and feared that Edward would find a mate in her. I didn't want him to be alone but at the same time I didn't know how I would feel seeing him with someone. But to both my relief and my disappointment he saw her as no more that a sister. Soon after she found emmet and 4 became 5

Time passed and we all grew and developed both individually and as a family. I noticed Edwards growth especially. He learned more by the day and became more sure and confident as he did. More sparks ignited. His joy at learning his 5th language. His pride the first time he brought down a grizzly bear (emmets idea) graduating university for the first time and many more. They were all quelled and added to the chest as always. I didn't allow myself to consider or even truly recognise the fact that the sparks were gradually getting more frequent

Then Alice and jasper joined us and soon jasper was noticing the jolt in my feelings each time a spark ignited. I managed to keep him from realising the true cause of them and he assumed my jolts of affection were directed at Esme. I soon learnt to control my emotions better and jasper stopped noticing.

Time passed as it always does and nothing changed. Until one day everything did. Edward met Bella and it was clear from the start to someone who knew him like I did that he loved her. He had found a mate.
My heart soared for him yet at the same time broke in two. Once more I put the heartbreak in the chest. I focused on my affection for Esme and on helping Edward to cope with his turmoil over wanting Bella yet wanting to keep her safe. Wanting her to join him in the forever of the immortal world yet wanting to keep her human

Then there was the heart and soul crushing pain I felt seeing him so tortured when he left Bella in an attempt to keep her human. I was able to push the love fuelled portion of this into the chest but it was difficult. And then when he went to voltera and I thought him lost the pain threatened to overwhelm and crush me. I couldn't bear it. This was a pain too strong to shove in the chest so instead I convinced myself it was platonically based. But deep down I knew it stemmed from the love I felt for him and my inability to perceive a world without him in it.
Thankfully the pain was short lived and it was swiftly followed by momentous joy at his survival which of course went in the chest. And overwhelming gratitude towards bella for saving him at her own risk.

Then an impossibly short time after they met by my standards Bella decided that she wanted to join our family. I was dreadfully sad yet also thrilled Edward would be alone no longer, Rosalie and Alice would gain a new sister. And dear motherly Esme would have another daughter. i focused on those things and every time the pain and sadness struck i carefully placed it in the chest.
soon Bella and Edward got engaged and began planning a wedding. to me that was the final proof. I knew for sure now that Edward would never return my feelings and I was determined to be ok with that. After all I had been ok with it for nearly a century. I placed this new pain alongside the joy and pain and love in the chest.

Then this morning I had been quietly sitting reading in the lounge when Esme did something she had never done before. She kissed me in the lounge right there on the sofa. I had always been careful never to be affectionate with Esme anywhere that Edward might be. I had no idea how I would feel if Edward saw us or if i saw him while in that situation. And I never considered how it might feel because i feared the answer. But Esme had given me no choice she practically accosted me. And then my fears were realised. Suddenly i saw Edward standing frozen in the doorway. His face unreadable, then suddenly he rushed upstairs. I knew I had been right to fear this because in the instant i saw him in the doorway I was overwhelmed with the longing wish that it was Edward in my arms not Esme. I broke from Esme's embrace and headed for my library. On the way I wrestled with this new longing it was harder to contain than almost anything I had felt before, but for Edwards sake I managed to force it into the chest. I opened my library door and there was Edward sat in a chair looking troubled
I apologised for interrupting but he ushered me in.
"Are you alright. You seemed upset when you left the lounge and you have the strangest expression on your face"
I place my hand on his shoulder and realise it was a mistake. My hand burned with wonderful fire at the touch I knew I should remove my hand but I couldn't. Obviously I didn't get all of that latest feeling into the chest I would have to rectify that fact. Edward hasn't answered
"You know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you don't you"
He pauses then "yes I know don't worry im fine."
He stands releasing my hand.
"I'm going to go and find bella. I haven't seen her all day"
He left the room. I heard him pause in his doorway. Less than a minute later I heard Alice gasp downstairs and Edward raced towards her, they go into the den where I couldn't hear them talk. Then I heard jasper race to the den as well. I was concerned and went downstairs but Didn't go into the den Soon Edward raced out of the den and out of the back door, as he runs past me I see pain doubt and confusion on his face. He didn't see me.

"Alice " i called quietly.
"Yes"
"What's wrong with Edward"
"I can't tell you Carlisle I promised not to tell anyone but I can tell you he is troubled at the moment "
Alice walked away and I decided to follow Edward. He is fast but I followed his scent till he stops I was about to aproach when I realise he hadn't realised i was there and that he is talking to himself.
Edward you are an idiot. Why do you have to realise that you love him why couldn't u have realised it before you met bella or not at all. and why realise it now of all times your supposed to be getting married in two weeks, worst timing in the world. He bangs his head against the tree it groans ominously
Dammit Edward Why did you have to fall In Love with Carlisle at all he shouts

At those words my heart exploded with joy thoughts of Bella and Esme didn't exist in that endless moment of pure euphoria. All that existed was the knowledge that he loves me. The sheer power of it took my unnecessary breath away. It took all my powers of control to stop the chest breaking open. My face was still showing the shock of Edwards revelation and my reaction as I stepped though the trees and into sight.

Edward is shocked tos pea bless was by the sight of me so I regain my usual calm expression and speak first.
"Alice told me your considering cancelling the wedding"
"Yes I think I have to"
"Why"
"You just heard why"
"When did you realise"
"This morning. When I saw u kissing Esme. It just his me that's why I rushed out of the room I went to the library to think, I tried to deny it but I couldn't I tried to bury it again but I couldn't do that either"
"Edward" i began but he interrupted
"Let me speak Carlisle. "
I went silent and waited.
" I know nothing will change. I know nothing can change. I don't expect it to. You have your mate and I understand that. I respect that. I'm not going to try and mess with that "
I interrupt suddenly "Then why cancel the wedding "
"Because its the only way to be fair to her. because when I walked into my room and saw her I realised that the love I felt for her had gone. These feeling that have been buried so long have overtaken me. I can't feel anything else right now. Maybe in time I can quell them, subdue them and bury them away again and then maybe I will find a mate but not now"

I didn't know what to do. Should I tell him how I feel. But if I do then what about Esme. Am I willing to give her up. For the first time in a century I actually assessed the burried chest and I realised how large it had grown and how much it contained. I could see now that the love inside is so much greater than my love for Esme and I realised that it always had been. I knew now that there is no going back, Edward feels the same way why should I hurt us both by keeping us apart I can see now that edwRd has always been my true mate and I his but we both refused to see it. It is time to accept what had always been there.
While I am trying to figure out how to tell him all of this he speaks.
"Carlisle I will be ok. Don't worry I know you don't return these feelings I don't expect you to. I know I am a son to you."
No never my son I think. So many things but never my son. It's time to tell you and I guesse the best way is to show you. My head snaps up and as I make the decision I become calm and the turmoil disappears. I know now that it's the right choice.
"You don't know anywhere near as much as you think you do". "I have never seen you as my son. You have been my companion my student my confidant and my friend but never my son.".
"It's time for you to know the truth..." "watch".

As The memory show comes to an end I slowly look up. Edwards eyes are wide.
"Now you know everything" I say quietly
And with those words I dismantle the chest that has been my safe harbour for a century and allow the ocean of love and adoration it contained to overwhelm me.