"What do you mean he's coming back? I thought he was expelled from the district years ago!"
"He was, but apparently he's being let back in for good behavior or something. Aw man…" As Nepeta slumped forward Equius replaced the beanie to its rightful place, seemingly unphased by the shocking news, and this didn't seem right to me.
"Uh, Equius?"
"Yes."
"Didn't you, y-you know, hear her?"
"Yes." He repeated in a more sure tone. "However this unpleasant news had already reached my ears some time ago. There is no reason for me to react again."
His response didn't surprise me.
"Oh what're we gonna DO?" Feferi whined as she fell back onto the quilt, her legs folding modestly so as not to flash what was under her skirt. "I was looking forward to a drama free senior year, but with Eridan coming back from Britain, an now all this Gamzee stuff… Aw GLUB this school's gonna EXPLODE!"
As everyone stayed in silence of mourning their once peaceful lives, a thought came to my mind of which made me freeze, then slowly lower the hand which had been holding up my head and sat a little straighter.
"Maybe… Maybe things won't be as bad as we think they will."
All eyes immediately turned to me.
"What're you talkin' about Tavros?"
"I-I mean he's being let back into the district on good behavior right? Usually those things don't get forgiven so easily, so maybe he's sorry for all the stuff that happened."
"Tavros come on," Feferi propped herself up with her elbows and seemed almost tired. "Do you really believe the things that are coming out of your mouth?"
I shifted uncomfortably. "Well I was just—"
"I highly doubt that glubbing maniac is ready to give up his little game. He's probably coming back to make things ten times worse then they were before."
I had never heard Feferi talk like this. She was almost a different person, but then again I didn't really expect her to agree with me. I wasn't even entirely sure I agreed with myself either. "Well we should at least give him a chance to redeem himself."
Suddenly Nepeta slapped both her hands down onto her textbook, making us both jump, and then my anxiety spiked even higher than it already was when I saw the anger in her eyes.
"No! I will not give that monster a second chance Tavros, an I defiantly won't forgive him! No matter what he does or how much he pleads. Even if he begs me on his knees! I will not!"
Equius' large hand found it's way to her shoulder. "At ease Nepeta, it is not worth your attention."
"No Equius, he needs to listen! I need to tell him!" She shook his hand off, and he did nothing to try and stop her a second time. "Tavros, please, I don't wanna argue, but you've gotta understand that Gamzee threw away our friendships the moment he did those nasty things"
Feferi nodded enthusiastically, sitting up fully. "Yes, yes! Absolutely right! He crossed the line and made us look like morons!"
"Miss Feferi while I do understand your involvement and anger toward the one of which we're referring, you are still unable to comprehend the severity of which we three take his actions."
Nepeta spoke again after her muscled friend before Feferi could get in an indignant word, and I still will never figure out how she could manage to roll her R's in such a way even in a serious moment such as this. "Yeah, sorry Feferi, but you did have it the easiest out of all of us regardin' the Gamzee situation. Not saying you didn't go through hell that year too, but with this current topic, you may just wanna sit back an listen."
Lucky for us Feferi was much more levelheaded than most other girls with her disposition, so she just folded her arms and did as she was told.
"Equius an I tried to help him when he was at his worst, or what we had thought was his worst. At that Time Tavros was goin' through some serious stuff, an though I fully understand why he was an it's not his fault in the slightest, he wasn't around to help talk Gamzee down. You know what happened to me an Equius, but Tav had to go through much different stuff cause of that douche bag." She turned to face me, not with concern in her eyes. "Honestly, I dunno how you're managing to defend him Tav, after all, he did, well you know…"
I understood what she was referring to, but I shrugged my shoulders instead of agreeing like the coward I was.
I didn't know why either.
The rest of lunch had been awkwardly silent, even Feferi, but luckily the bell rang soon and we all murmured goodbyes as we got up and left in our separate directions.
I was glad to find that my last three classes went by in a blur, like I was watching everything transpire through a screen and I was simply going through the motions to get done. This feeling was all too familiar, and though I hated it, I felt like I had so many times before and convinced myself that I deserved to be numb for a little while, I had just received shocking news after all.
I only came out of my stupor when I found myself with the key to my front door in my hand hovering barely an inch from the lock.
Gamzee was coming back,
As little information as that was, it sent a million worries flooding through my mind. Was he still dangerous? Would he seek me out and try to hurt me like he said he would? A lot of time had passed since the last time I had spoken to him, so he was bound to have changed like everyone else had. For worse or for better, I just didn't know.
After kicking off my sandals and setting them to the side near the door I dragged my tired body into the kitchen to dump my backpack on the wooden dinner table and pour myself a much needed glass of water. I didn't expect the drink to make me feel better, but quenching a thirst I hadn't known I had made me feel a little more relaxed, though honestly being at home defiantly made me feel about ten times better already.
Not knowing if anyone was home, and not particularly caring, I brought my refilled glass with me down the autumn colored hallway and into the tiny space of salvation more commonly known as my bedroom.
Our house was originally built in the seventies, so all the decor was painfully retro. I literally had to refuse to allow some of my friends over just to keep them from either poking fun at me the entire time or practically wrestle them down to keep them from redecorating. Wood paneling covered every inch of our walls that wasn't already covered by brick or tile. There was always a warm feeling in this house, it was like a sanctuary, a holy place that I could run to when the world was too cruel or too scary. Sure it creaked and moaned late at night, and the electric system sometimes gave us trouble, but that was all perfectly fine by me. I loved the tacky rugs and retro amber colored chandelier, it was all I had ever known throughout my whole childhood, and inside these walls had been the perfect place to grow up.
God… Gamzee is seriously coming back… Recalling the gruesome memories made me feel a bit like the room was spinning around me as I lay flat on my mattress. I hoped I wouldn't be sick.
Things could get violent, maybe even bloody, if he showed his face again. Actually, I was almost certain that someone was going to get hurt. The look I had seen in his bloodshot eyes was one of an animal, fighting his way out of a cage, seeing himself cornered every time he turned around, and lashing out with manic fury at anything it saw. Maybe it wouldn't happen now, but it was going to happen. As long as he was around, we weren't safe.
But did I really believe that?
As I closed my tired eyes and opened my mind, inviting the memories in at a slow and controlled pace, I also saw the gentle way his eyes would follow a bird taking flight, the slow way his lips pulled into a smile, and the relaxed way his arms would hang from his shoulders as he walked. I could recall the way he called every single one of our names and spoke in absolute nonsense that made perfect sense to him, how loud and heartfelt he sounded when he laughed— Then the delirious cackling rang through my head and bounced against my skull to make my body jolt in sudden fear. After I reminded myself that I was safe I groaned and fell back onto my pillow with my hand covering my eyes.
Gamzee would never be the same person after that. How could he? He was too far gone for anyone to get to. But maybe if I had just…
No! No I couldn't think like that. I already knew what I could have and should have done, but I didn't. I was busy dealing with my own problems. I had gone over this far too many times to be bothered with it now— Even though I knew it would never really go away.
Why was I reacting so strongly to this again? It had been so long, shouldn't I have forgotten what if felt like? It was probably because I had repressed and forgotten everything so completely before, I never really got time to really contemplate the future rather than the past. Regardless of what I did Gamzee was returning and was going to once again be a factor in my life, the only problem was that I did not know whether he would be a friend or a foe.
I couldn't deal with this alone, I needed to talk to someone, to bounce my ideas and get some, any kind of advice, so I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and flipped it open to text the one person I hoped would make any sense of all this.
TN: Aradia, Are you there? There are some things going on
that I would really like to talk to you about,
Oh please, please answer me. I didn't know how long I could stand this kind of feeling without having some sort of attack.
Lucky for me my phone vibrated with an answer almost immediately.
AM: hey tavros what's up? everything okay?
TN: No, I don't think so, I just received some rather
upsetting news…
AM: is it the whole thing going on with gamzee coming
back?
TN: Why is it that everyone is finding this out
before me?
AM: i don't know! i find things out in weird ways
anyways, it's not a totally weird thing for me to
know something before you
TN: Oh yeah, I suppose you're right, I'm sorry,
AM: don't need to be, I'm not mad! 0u0 but what's up?
TN: Well I've been feeling kind of sick since I found
out,
AM: understandable, considering what's happened
between the two of you, but just try to relax
okay? remember what I taught you?
TN: Yes, Uh, The picking a memory and putting
it away thing, Right?
AM: Yep that's the one! Good job!
I didn't know how she did it, but jusT after a few minutes of messaging back and forth she had managed to soothe me.
TN: So what am I supposed to do when I see him again?
AM: well, what do you think you should do? it
all depends on you and how you decide to
handle the situation.
TN: I had hoped you wouldn't say that, It's all too
confusing to figure out on my own,
AM: you can do it tavros!
TN: ,,,,,
AM: your period key still not working?
TN: It hasn't for like four years now, I'm not fixing
it now
AM: haha! that's so like you!
AM: but all joking aside tavros I am serious
no one can tell you what you've got to do
you have to figure it out on your own
TN: Do you think he's really going to try and hurt
Me like he said he was going to?
AM: even i don't know anything for sure tavros,
but what I do know is that people are always
changing, so there may be a chance for many
things to happen
TN: Uh, You're talking very criptically again,
AM: do you want my help?
TN: Yes yes I do, sorry,
AM: what i'm saying is that i know things have
been tough, you know i do, and they're going
to get worse if you don't choose what to do
on your own
TN: So what you're saying is that I am in
charge of my own destiny?
AM: i'm saying that either things will go right, or
they'll go horribly wrong
As little sense as she was making, it actually made perfect sense once I looked at it from closer to her perspective.
TN: Do you think that he is still dangerous?
AM: i'm not too sure, but are you scared he will be?
TN: Aren't you? I mean after how badly he hurt
Equius and Nepeta
AM: but he was also a close friend, right? dont give
up! you've gotta take charge of your life tav!
TN: No, I don't want to do that, Don't you
remember the last time I tried that?
AM: well do it without being a dick this time!
TN: Alright, Arguing with you is always a waste
of time, because you are often right, So I
will take your word for it,
AM: good boy 0u0
TN: Thanks aradia, I knew I could count on
you, oh and I've got to go but I will talk to
you later,
AM: okay, bye dork!
I truly hopes she was right, and that things would be fine, because I really didn't know how I would react to them not. I already had a breakdown once in my life, I didn't want to do it again.
Aradia always helped to make sense of the jumbled stressful thoughts that cluttered my mind, so now that I was put to ease I was able to focus on my homework and finish relatively quickly. My nose was buried in my class book again when I heard the front door open and close with a creak and a slam. I lifted my head and paused to listen for a moment, and when I didn't hear the heavy footsteps of either Rufioh junior or senior I put the book down and exited my room to greet Tink at the door.
He was toeing off his shoes when I came in, and when he flashed me his familiar grin I couldn't help but return it.
As the oldest sibling Tink worked full time at the pet supply store down town, and since he still lived at home he had to pay for the groceries and fill the family truck's gas tank once every week. Times were tough around the house. This wasn't a problem for him though, because Tink was very responsible and did whatever he could to keep the family happy.
That was when I noticed the plastic bags hanging off his arms, weighing him down and seeming quite heavy all together, so I rushed up to him and took more than half off his parson as I insisted on helping him.
My concern earned a gentle chuckle and his thanks. "I was afraid my arms were going to stretch like taffy!"
"No problem. Were you okay on cash this time?" I asked, following him into the kitchen, where we both set down the groceries after I hauled my school bag off of the table to make room.
"No I was fine, though I did have to put the ice cream away this time." When I sagged my shoulders in disappointment he smiled in a guilty way and ruffled my hair with his gentle hand. "sorry buddy, I'll get some next time, okay? I promise."
Hearing that I smiled and nodded to show that I wasn't upset. "Alright that's fine. Would you like some help putting things away?"
"Yes please!"
We then proceeded to store all the food in it's proper places, and as I helped him we began talking about out our days. He told me about a stray cat getting into the shop and finding him in the cat nip toys, and since I trusted him so much I told him about what Nepeta had told me during lunch.
"You haven't spoken to him since the meeting with the principle right?"
I was stacking cans in the pantry as I shook my head.
"How do you feel about all this?"
"I'm not sure yet… Scared? Excited? Mostly just confused and nervous. I have no idea what's going to happen."
He nodded in understanding and opened the fridge. "Well you have every right to feel the away you do Tavros, that boy put you through a lot."
"I know, but, I-I still want to see him and talk to him. Is that bad?"
"Not bad, just dangerous. It makes me worried about you."
I leaned against the counter and frowned. "I'm sorry, I don't want to make you worry, but its just hard cause it seems like I'm the only one that really wants to know if he's alright. Everyone else just wants him gone."
Tink paused a moment to glance over at me with sadness in his eyes, and I knew he understood what I was feeling. "I don't want him gone Tavros, I just want him not to hurt you again. Don't you remember—"
"Yes, I remember, and I remember the reason I locked myself in my room for all hours of the day had nothing to do with him. It was… More complicated. Gamzee just added a little onto it."
"Even so, I don't trust him, not yet. Maybe one day, after he's proven himself, but until then, no."
It was foolish to think he would have reacted any other way. "I understand…"
"Good boy. Now, help me with dinner, the others will be home soon."
That night, after cooking with Tink and eating dinner with my father and other brother, I lay in my bed and stared up at the ceiling with my phone off to purposely ignore any texts from Vriska, since I was already too emotionally spent to deal with one of her flitting moods. If she got mad, I would tell her my phone died and take the punch that was coming to me, but all that I could focus on was wondering what Gamzee was doing at that moment, and hoping that he was somehow even half the friend he had once been.
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