Chapter Three: Teleporting the Trees
Alternate Title: Kakashi is a Dick to Forests
Breaking into Danzo's super-secret hidden facilities wasn't as easy as he expected.
Kakashi blamed it on the stupid inconsistencies between dimensions. Among other things, locations had changed. The changes weren't very big, but they were definitely large enough to be noticeable and annoying. Kakashi's perfect geographic sense of Konoha had turned into a "that-place-is-probably-somewhere-around-here" sort of feeling.
He'd still been able to locate places without difficulty thanks to his heightened senses, but apparently that didn't cut it when tracking down a covert organization that had hid from both Hokages since the Third War.
Kakashi had still found it, of course. He'd been in ANBU's tracking and retrieval squad for years. He certainly didn't need memories from another dimension to find an illegal organization that brainwashed children.
After breaking and entering several times, Kakashi finally discovered ROOT's main base. The Copy Nin eyed the wards with disappointment, analyzing them with the Sharingan. He'd expected better than this. Really, they didn't even pose a challenge. Kakashi bit his thumb and began scrawling a counterseal on the wall. He wasn't Jiraiya or Minato, who could probably deactivate all the protections by looking at them, but Kakashi knew his way around seals.
Once he finished, Kakashi slapped his hand on the wall. "Release," he muttered, sending chakra into the symbols. His blood shone blue and vanished. Satisfied, Kakashi opened the door. Chakra pulsed outwards the second his hand touched the handle.
Dammit. Looks like I forgot to deactivate the tertiary warning signal embedded in the silencing matrix. Ah well. This is Danzo's personal office, and that pulse was keyed for Danzo's signature only. I have about two minutes before that bastard barges in. That should be enough time.
Sadly, Kakashi had underestimated Danzo's paranoia. Everything was quadruple-sealed and attuned to only Danzo. Jirayo or Minato might be able to break them, given enough time—but there was no way Kakashi could do it with only two minutes and his own blood.
"Shit," growled Kakashi, grabbing a handful of hopefully incriminating scrolls. Why did Danzo have to be competent?
"I wondered who was audacious and skilled enough to break into my office," said a voice behind him. Kakashi turned around to see the man himself. Danzo. That filthy mother-fu—
Wait.
What?
He stared at the still-talking man.
Why was Danzo's hair pink? No, seriously, why was it pink? Immediately, he thought of the only other pink-haired person he knew, and a horrifying thought struck him.
Were… were Danzo and Sakura related in this universe?
Kakashi was suddenly struck by nausea and horror as his mind conjured up an image of a Sakura related to Danzo. Of a Sakura raised by Danzo. A Danzokura. Or was it a Sakuranzo? He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut at the disturbing images. No. No-no-no-no—
"I see that you finally understand the gravitas of the situation," sneered Danzo. "As you rightfully should. Of course, we can always come to an… agreement. If you tell me who you are and who sent you, I may spare your life. I have a need for skilled shinobi."
Goddammit, was Danzo still monologuing? Didn't the man have anything better to do? Torture children, perhaps?
"All I require is—"
"Are you related to anyone?" interrupted Kakashi.
Danzo blinked then narrowed his eye. "Are you trying to threaten my family?"
"Anyone? Do you have any family at all? Children, siblings, nieces, et cetera?"
"How dare you!" Danzo chuckled darkly. "Trying to use my bonds against me, are you? I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken. Unlike most other weak Konoha nin, I have no use for pathetic ideals such as friendship and family. Even if there was anyone, I would not care if you killed them now. I would kill them myself, if I needed—"
Great. A non-answer. Kakashi decided to make a run for it. He had more important things to do than listening to the ramblings of a psychopathic old man—like finding the paternity of a certain pink-haired kunoichi, for example.
Scrolls in hand, Kakashi dashed past Danzo with a burst of chakra, twisting to avoid the Wind Release ninjutsu flying his way. He wasn't fast enough to completely dodge the kunai that followed—four missed, but the fifth grazed his arm just before he flickered away. He gritted his teeth and leaped past the swarm of ROOT ANBU in the passageways, barely making it to the exit.
As he fled the underground base, Kakashi's mind whirred a thousand miles a minute. The kunai was definitely poisoned. He couldn't run back to his house, or the ANBU would learn his identity despite his henge, but hiding somewhere obscure was just asking ROOT to kill him and dump his body in the river.
So, he hid in the last place anyone would ever look for a wounded shinobi.
The hospital.
After leaving several false trails for the ROOT to chase after, Kakashi silently crawled through the windows of the worst place in Konoha. He… ahem, appropriated some medical-grade sealing ink and paper before slipping into the supply closet. Kakashi created a few rudimentary wards for protection before starting on another, more intricate one.
He sure as hell wasn't going to actually get treated in the hospital. Other than being an evil, soul-sucking dungeon, hospitals also left paper trails—the kind that created a giant neon "kill me, I'm here!" sign. He could manage the poison well enough on his own
Frowning, Kakashi added the finishing touch to a modified version of the Evil Sealing Method. Instead of holding back a chakra curse, it suspended and nullified the effect of poison. Fittingly, it was known as the Poison Sealing Method.
Clenching his jaw, Kakashi placed the seal over his wound and activated it. He hunched over with the excruciating pain caused by the seal but relaxed when the pain and poison faded from his body.
Much better, he thought. Satisfied and exhausted, Kakashi closed his eyes and went to sleep.
Nurse Fumiko hurried down the hallway, looking for a mop. Another damn shinobi had crashed through the window, leaving blood all over the floor. Being the newbie, Fumiko had been sent to clean it up.
After a few minutes of searching, the nurse finally located the supply closet. She reached out to open it and yelped as the door swung upon of its own accord. Fumiko shrieked when she noticed the man inside it.
The masked man's eye snapped open. "Yo," he said cheerfully. Without another word, the ninja vanished.
The nurse almost cried when she noticed the incredibly expensive medical-sealing equipment strewn across the floor. Damn shinobi.
Kakashi stretched in front of the training grounds, warming up his muscles. Today, he was going to do something ridiculously reckless and stupid.
So, nothing new then.
Kakashi lifted up his hita-ate, exposing Obito's eye. It was time to activate the Mangekyo Sharingan.
He closed both eyes. While sending a gentle pulse of chakra to the Sharingan, he began to think of everyone he'd ever failed. The list ran long, much too long. He thought of Obito, sensei, Kushina-neesan, his father, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and …
Rin.
His mind replayed the memory of her death in perfect clarity, the moment forever immortalized. The pressure built behind Obito's eye as it throbbed with remembered pain. He recalled the overwhelming weight of despair, the tears streaming down her lovely face, the sound of a thousand birds screaming…
His eyes snapped open.
"Mangekyo Sharingan," he whispered.
The world around him shattered.
The shards coalesced, and Kakashi viewed the world in flawless detail. He could see the fabric of space and time and the shadows of the other dimensions acting on it. He viewed everything in an almost detached state, separate but connected. He glanced down at his feet, and his breath caught at the incredible darkness twisting around his presence.
Kakashi did not belong here.
Resolute, he stared at the tree in front of him. First, he'd start small. Kakashi should be able to teleport the stationary, solid object.
"Kamui."
The world warped and twisted, and Kakashi felt the sense of finality that always accompanied the use of that technique. A single tear of blood slid down his cheek.
The tree hadn't moved.
"What?" he muttered. Then, the chakra drain hit him like a gigantic frog, and he collapsed.
"Kid, what the hell did you do?"
Kakashi awakened to see Jiraiya glaring at him.
"You're alive," he said numbly.
"Obviously." The Toad Sage huffed in confused irritation.
Kakashi flinched as a fist crashed the nightstand next to his face.
"Brat," growled a familiar voice. A very angry med-nin stared him down.
"Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asked. "Did I complete my mission? Did I die?"
"Why the fuck are you asking me?" Tsunade clenched her fist and the mangled stand fell apart further. "But that's not important now. The important question is why you suddenly collapsed of chakra exhaustion in the middle of a training field, and why you attempted a poison-seal with no supervision on yourself! How did you get poisoned in the first place, anyway?"
"It's excellent sealing work, though. I see you used the Evil Sealing Method as the base and added a spiral to help with the suppression. Seriously, when did you get this good?" commented Jiraiya. "I didn't know you used this style." The older man winced at Tsunade's look and nodded to a small frog that promptly disappeared.
Tsunade placed her glowing green hands on Kakashi's forehead. "Interesting," she murmured. "Idiot, when did your chakra become so imbalanced?"
Kakashi stiffened almost imperceptibly. "What do you mean?"
"Don't even try to lie. Your Yin chakra outweighs your Yang chakra two-to-one."
"That's news to me."
Tsunade smacked him. "I told you not to lie to me!"
Kakashi rubbed his head and sighed. "I noticed it a few days ago. I was patrolling on the roof when suddenly everything changed. I thought I was trapped in a genjutsu, so I tried to dispel it. It's been like that ever since." There. Technically not a lie.
The med-nin eyes narrowed slightly. "Hm. Strange."
"Kakashi!" Minato appeared by his bedside. "I came as fast as I could." The blonde man grabbed Kakashi's shoulders. "Don't scare me like that! This is the second time you've collapsed this week! And when I heard about the poison… Kashi, you're lucky Tsunade was here. Don't do that again, you understand?"
"Sure," agreed Kakashi, lying blatantly. "I was just a little careless in testing out a new technique."
Minato frowned. "What technique caused you to lose all your chakra?" said his sensei, voice deathly serious. "It wouldn't happen to be the same one that caused the western half of the forest in Training Field Three to go missing, is it?"
Kakashi blinked. The western half of the forest was missing? Wait, the western half of the forest was missing? He'd been facing the east. Damn, he had terrible aim. He'd tried to use Kamui on a tree in the eastern half, and instead he'd wiped out the entire western half. No wonder he fainted from chakra exhaustion.
Kakashi's eyes widened as the realization struck.
Holy fuck, I have a forest in my eyeball.
"Didn't I tell you how much paperwork blowing up the training fields causes? And the trees! You destroyed all the trees! Do you know how long it takes to regrow them?"
The masked ninja shrugged. "Just bribe Tenzo." He quickly changed the subject before any more questions followed. "Sensei, I have something for you." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out a storage scroll. He deftly opened the scroll, and with a puff of smoke, five more scrolls fell out.
"Tada!" he said brightly. "What do you think?"
Jiraiya and Minato examined the scrolls with growing disbelief. The sannin whistled in appreciation, while Minato just stared.
"There's at least seven interlocking matrices and triagrams." Minato's forehead wrinkled with disbelief. "It's codified for a particular signature and set to self-destruct if anyone tampers with it." He looked at Kakashi. "How did you get this?"
"I stole it," he said nonchalantly.
"From where?" asked Jiraiya, eyes still on the scrolls.
"From Danzo's office."
The other three choked. "W-what?"
"Mhm. There's probably something incriminating in there." Kakashi paused. "Oh, do you know if Danzo has any relatives?"
Jiraiya, still recovering from the last bombshell, answered slowly. "Not that I know of… most of his family died during the war."
"Hmm…" he mused. "Guess I'll have to do a DNA test."
"On who?"
Kakashi didn't reply. He attempted to get out of bed, but a firm hand pushed him back down.
"You're not going anywhere," said Tsunade sternly. "Sleep, brat."
Kakashi's eyes closed before she finished speaking.
Three days later, Tsunade had finally cleared him for active duty. Kakashi suspected that she had kept him for two days more than necessary to study his chakra imbalance.
Now that he was out and walking the streets, Kakashi noticed something very peculiar. People were staring at him. That wasn't too unusual, considering that he was a notorious ninja who read porn in daylight, but something seemed … off.
"You lucky bastard," said Raido as he caught up with the inter-dimensional Copy Nin.
"What do you mean?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.
"Itachi," his friend said bluntly. "That's what I mean."
Kakashi forced his voice to remain casual. "What about Itachi?"
"Playing dumb, huh? Don't try to hide it." Raido scoffed and crossed his arms. "Everyone already knows that you're dating Itachi."
The silver-haired shinobi stopped in the middle of the street. "What?" he said flatly.
"Honestly, you have to tell me how someone with the social skills of a deformed toothpick manage to snag one of the hottest girls in Konoha. And a clan heiress, too! The Uchiha clan heiress! I swear it's the mask. Chicks dig that mystery deal, right?"
Kakashi closed his eye. "I am not dating Itachi."
"Sure you aren't," drawled Raido. "But good luck with convincing her father about your relationship. I don't think that'll go well at all. Before you try, be sure to let me know. I want to see old Fugaku's reaction." The tokubetsu-jounin cackled. "If you die, can I have your kunai collection?"
Kakashi vanished before Raido could say another word.
Wonderful, he thought sourly, hiding in his favorite tree. So that's what was wrong. Everyone thinks that female Itachi and I are a thing. Which we're not, by the way. Kakashi growled with irritation. I need to go kill someone. Preferably the someone who spread the rumors. So… Jiraiya?
While he plotted Jiraiya's demise—but not death, because that would mean no Icha Icha—a sound suddenly broke his train of thought. Who would be stupid enough to disturb him? Kakashi wasn't hiding, per se. He was simply sitting in his tree, sending out very very strong "approach-me-and-you- will-die" vibes.
Kakashi looked up to see …
Sasuke?
What the hell was an eleven-year-old Sasuke doing here?
He stared at the pale and shaking preteen with bemusement.
"Hatake Kakashi!" said Sasuke, voice quaking ever-so slightly. "Kakashi of the Sharingan, Copy Nin of Konoha, student of the Yondaime! I challenge you!"
The fuck? Why was a non-angsty Sasuke challenging him?
"Well, why?" replied Kakashi after blankly looking off into space.
Sasuke bristled. "I know you're Naruto's nii-san, but I can't let this stand!"
"Let what stand?" He leaped down smoothly, causing the mini-Uchiha to flinch. Kakashi hid a grin. His little future/past student was … adorable. And yes, he was talking about Sasuke. He never knew that it was possible to actually describe Sasuke as cute if you weren't a preteen girl.
"I … I cannot allow you to tarnish my sister's honor!" he shouted boldly.
All of Kakashi's brain activity froze for a moment. Oh God. Was this happening? Was this actually happening? Was… was Sasuke defending Itachi's virtue? Kakashi tried to stifle the hysterical giggles that threatened to burst out of him.
Once he got back to his dimension, he was telling everyone about this. Everyone. Kakashi wondered if he should use his Sharingan to record this priceless moment. He'd always suspected Sasuke of having a brother-complex before the other Itachi's murderous ramapage, but this …
"Only someone really strong is worthy of my sister!" continued Sasuke. "Itachi-nee deserves the best! I must become strong to protect my sister from perverts like you!"
If that wasn't a sister-complex, then he didn't know what that was. Kakashi's shoulders began shaking with suppressed laughter.
"You better be scared," sniffed Sasuke. "Because I'm going to destroy you!"
Honestly, why did people always suspect him of being scared? He was Hatake Kakashi. He didn't do scared.
"Hey brat," said Kakashi snapping his book shut. Sasuke tensed in anticipation. The jounin narrowed his eye. "Aren't you supposed to be at the Academy?"
The Uchiha kid froze.
"That's what I thought." Kakashi smiled with satisfaction. "Playing hooky, huh?"
Quick enough to rival Minato, Kakashi dashed forward and grabbed Sasuke by the abnormally stiff collar. "Why don't I drop you back in school? A strong shinobi can't neglect their education."
"No!" Sasuke wiggled around, trying to twist out of his grip. "Let me go!"
"Oh? You don't want to go to the Academy?" Kakashi grin grew maniacal. "Should I drop you off at the clan compound?"
Sasuke immediately imitated a ramen noodle. "Please don't," he whispered, absolutely still.
"I'm sure your mother would love to hear what you've been up to."
"No! I'm…" Sasuke trailed off.
"You're what?"
The boy gritted his teeth. "I'm … I'm sorry, ok?"
"Glad to hear that!" The grin didn't fade. "I'll just hand you off to your teacher then."
"B-but—"
"Let's go!" Kakashi and his cargo vanished with a swirl of leaves. "Education is important, after all."
AN: This chapter did not have as much fainting as I expected. It did, however, have some mild angst and Sasuke. And the mild angst wasn't about Sasuke!
Did I mention that I love reviews? I really love reviews. I received lots of reviews, and it made me so happy! Reviews put my muse in overdrive, hence the really early chapter. Thank you so much!
FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Nyodrite (who has some really awesome stories), KumoNoHito, Darkbeast42, Zeivira, , Tsukiyo69, Silvermist464, SugoiAuthorToBe and miemae04 for reviewing! I really appreciate the feedback!
As per reviewer response and my own thoughts, I'll probably not have pairings in this story. I am really tempted to write a (separate) Kakashi/fem!Itachi fic... but I promised myself to keep only two active stories. Ah well. So many plots, so little time..
The next chapter should contain more misunderstandings, snakes, and potential bad-assery. Criticism, comments, and concerns are always welcome.