(…) Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.
/
Misato gently shakes Shinji awake and wordlessly hands her the male uniform for school leaving the other to get dressed but remains in the room causing Shinji to blush vividly "Shinji, you don't have any girl clothes, do you?" Shinji stares as Misato begins rifling through her drawers and sighs "I'd take you shopping but people would wonder…hmm…" Misato taps her chin and Shinji begins to shake her head "How good are you at sewing?" Shinji begins to stutter and stammer as Misato pushes the door closed to her now messy closet.
"Misato-san!" Misato pauses blinking owlishly as Shinji inhales and exhales looking visibly shaken "I-I can't… I can't wear… it's not safe…" Misato frowns and begins to shake her head unsure of what the other means "My father could…" but what would he do? He's never cared much about you, Shinji's mind whispers nitpicking at ever present insecurities like scavengers pecking at a carcass.
"How about we work on it?" When Shinji stares at her Misato smiles "Since I honestly doubt that you'd suddenly start wearing dresses and miniskirts after so long, why don't we try simple things? I've still got some old camisoles and some blouses that you could try wearing when you're here." At Shinji's hesitant nod Misato's smile widens "Good now, do you know your bra size?" Misato face palms when she merely receives a blank stare and sighs "Alright, take off the binding." She sighs again when Shinji shakes her head "Shinji, your breasts need to breathe." Misato then launches into a tirade as she yanks Shinji's shirts off and nonchalantly cups Shinji's breasts.
Misato winces at the horrified shriek and watches as Shinji backpedals and presses her back to the wall, as Misato mumbles about her being a B cup Shinji begins demanding an explanation, flushing something fierce and stammering all the while. "Come here and let me feel them again, I know you won't feel comfortable going to an actual store just yet and bra sizing could take a while; it's better to be uncomfortable now instead of me taking a chance and buying you a bra that's too small or too large for you." Shinji swallows thickly as Misato wiggles her fingers in an effort to make herself less threatening. Misato wonders why Shinji shudders in revulsion but ignores it, there is a lot about Shinji that she doesn't know and truly Misato knows that one will never truly get to know a person even if there are years behind them.
Shinji tries to focus on anything besides Misato's face as she nears or the warmth of her hands as they once again cup her breasts. Shinji's mind begins replaying La Gazza Ladra and she begins thinking of how she'll play it on her cello when Misato finally pulls away "I was wrong! You're an A cup!" Shinji nearly collapses back against the wall ignoring Misato's singsong voice "Luckily for you, it's time for me to go shopping so I'll buy you some really cute ones!" Shinji contains the reflexive urge to cringe as she tries and ends up over exaggerating about what Misato might think of as 'really cute'. It's not long before Misato rushes her to change so she can make breakfast and lunch before they head off to NERV.
/
Shinji quickly fixes something up for breakfast but it still makes Misato's taste buds sing in joy. Pen-Pen joins in and even allows Shinji to pet him but that's probably because Shinji had given him most of the leftovers from what she cooked. Shinji eats as she makes their lunches and Misato nearly hugs herself in joy imagining the envied looks she'll get when she goes to work with a homemade lunch.
NERV personnel, while highly intelligent or extremely driven individuals, were often times inept at something; she knew for a fact that most of them were unable to sort through the messes in their homes, Ritsuko's place is littered with notes and half equations, new and empty lighters, and half-empty cartons of cigarettes and ash trays.
Shinji doesn't know what to make of Misato. She seems friendly enough, nice enough, warm enough but Shinji knows all about that. Be nice and kind, make jokes and laugh. Be human. Be a socialite not a wallflower.
But Shinji knows that there is something about Misato, something that she keeps hidden from everyone. She just wonders what it is. "Shinji-chan, you have to meet with Doctor Akagi today but you don't need to tell her anything. She'll just give you a breakdown of what is expected of you as a pilot and what her job is. You won't be stripping down or anything and if she does," Misato places a hand near hers rather than grasping onto it and Shinji appreciates it. "I'll just tell her no and make up an excuse. I've done it before, anyway so she'll only get mad at me." Shinji gives her another grimace in place of a smile when she winks but it's better than yesterdays, she doesn't look as pained.
/
Shinji feels trepidation as she stands before Doctor Akagi who is wearing a vague smile on her painted red lips; Misato stands near a corner of the room watching Doctor Akagi with an odd intensity as the other woman explains just what she must do. What it means to pilot an Eva. Doctor Akagi's eyes stare down at her, as if they are visibly dissecting her and Shinji fights the urge to hunch her shoulders and make herself smaller; she loses and Misato says something else to get those probing charcoal gray eyes away from her.
As Shinji struggles to get her bearings Doctor Akagi turns back towards her, a cigarette already in between long, slim fingers. Shinji sees her red polish and her mind refers to her nails as claws; this woman is dangerous even though she appears as a listless individual. Shinji knows that all scientists can be dangerous, remembers overhearing a conversation between two science teachers that the one of the many clean ways to kill someone, was to inject air into their veins. The brassy blonde takes Shinji's chin in her hands and examines her face tilting it to and fro, she begins mumbling under her breath and Misato straightens.
Shinji is grateful that Doctor Akagi doesn't make her take her clothes off. "You're a bit underweight and your vitals show that you could do with a bit more protein and calcium in your diet. Allergies?" Shinji shakes her head inhaling slowly, deeply when Doctor Akagi presses a stethoscope to her clothed chest thankfully still strapped under a binder. "You should start looking after your dietary needs, maybe even look into something physical like sports…" Misato gives Shinji a smile who returns it shakily as Doctor Akagi pulls away.
Misato fights to keep down her smile when she sees Shinji's shoulders slump in relief when Ritsuko waves them away, without giving away anything Misato tugs Shinji out "See you Ritsuko-chan! Let's do lunch!"
Ritsuko's eyes narrow as she exhales allowing her exhale to fog up her glasses, what are you up to Misato?
/
The drive 'home' is quiet and Shinji can feel her hands and knees shaking but she should be thankful that Doctor Akagi hadn't made her do anything else unsavory; even if she wasn't comfortable piloting the Eva.
Misato gives her an in-depth explanation as to what Shinji has to fight for. She recalls the colossal white, purple masked being crucified; seven beady eyes staring at them yet never fully acknowledging them. She swallows back bile as she remembers staring into those eyes and everything taking a sepia tone; those eyes are staring back at her and she could hear whispers going around the room at a rapid pace, indecipherable and haunting.
Lilith changes; taking the form of her mother and then of Rei and finally of her before blood begins to escape from its wounds-
Shinji is grateful that Misato is a crazed driver and she grounds herself upon hearing the screeching of the tires.
Shinji bathes and makes dinner, looking lost for all the world to see causing Misato to cast her worried glances. Shinji won't tell her what she's seen (or is she remembering?) Shinji eats a bit less and gives the rest of her serving to Pen-Pen before excusing herself.
/
She doesn't want to go to school, she doesn't want to have to get used to new faces and try and fail at making friends because she's socially inept and has never been given a chance to flourish.
But it is also because she doesn't like humans; humans are fickle in nature, horrid by choice and ignorance, and only kind to those who they think will aide them further in life while everyone else is left to die. A boy crying in the darkness of a room. A boy crying in an entry plug. A boy crushed in an entry plug with someone screaming, heartfelt and plagued with woe. Shinji blinks owlishly when she's asked to come in and introduce herself and she does so, feeling cold sweat drip down her back and her hands nearly tremble as a deep chill reaches down from her shoulders and pushes down into her center.
"My name is Ikari Shinji, please treat me kindly." She says with a polite and respectful bow, she is allowed to take her seat and class resumes.
She spies Rei, Ayanami, her mind corrects. She spies Ayanami sitting staring out of the window, it isn't that hard to find her no one she knows has that type of pale blue hair. She stares at her for some time before her computer screen flashes, she looks down at it.
[Are you the new pilot?]
/Pilot?/
[The new Eva pilot! Are you?]
/Yes./
Shinji feels a coil of dread hit her full force when class ends and her desk is surrounded by students all clamoring for her attention and she resists the urge to scream violently to make them go away. To make them stop touching her. Get away. Get away. Don't touch me. Too clammy. Too close. Too hot. Disgusting. Leave me alone! She tries looking for Ayanami to see if she will help her. Perhaps she can get to know her without her father being there, without him clouding her judgement and making Shinji act odd and feel inferior, like some insect under a microscope. But Ayanami doesn't even spare her a glance.
/
It is during break that she meets two boys; a boy angry with a bitter and lonesome swing in his step and another boy with glasses with an odd, not all there smile. They take her out into one of the outer parts of the school. She gasps when the first boy pushes her and she stumbles "My sister was injured because of you!"
People get hurt because of me. First mom and now- Shinji wants to curl up in a ball and press her hands to her ears and let the roaring of her blood overcome all else. She wants to go back to sensei's home and huddle into her closet pretending that the world doesn't exist and that she doesn't either. "I-" she looks at the boy who gives her a furious scowl and then the other who merely watches seeming like he is torn between giving a well-practiced smile and a frown. "I d-" I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. I don't want to do this anymore. Mom! Mom! MOM! "I don't even want to pilot-"
Pain explodes on the right side of her face and she falls on her back, the boy sneers at her and walks off. The other boy stands over her as if he's come out from a shadowy depth, "Real sorry about Toji—he's a bit angry about his sister. She was injured during the incident yesterday." The boy leans in giving her a sympathetic smile "She's like his whole world, you know."
He walks away leaving Shinji by herself and she stares up at the sky her mind focused on the pain. "I'm sorry," she whispers "I didn't want to pilot it but…" Shinji stares at the blue, blue sky and focuses on how small and insignificant she is. I'm sorry. I don't want to exist. (You must).
/
She feels like she's crawled out of her body and watching as she lives. Wake up, make breakfast and lunch, go to school, lunch, Eva testing, return home; dinner, sleep. Repeat.
She can feel their stares. Angry. Bitter. Resentment. Hostile. Stop staring. Stop looking at me. [Gouge their eyes out!]. Red eyes, kind and melancholic. Red eyes, cold and blank. Red eyes, warm. Green eyes, pathetic.
The stares bore into her back like they'll peel away skin at any given moment. Shinji wants to cover her ears and hide.
/
Days pass slow, trickling sluggishly and cracking like paint. The news of her piloting has settled and Shinji sits alone in the middle row of her classmates only catching the briefest hint of the sun hitting Ayanami's frost blue hair.
"Ikari-kun." Shinji's eyes flutter open and she sits up straighter realizing that she's in her Eva suit. "Have you memorized the positions of all the Eva emergence points, emergency power junctions, armament equipment sites and recovery zones?"
"Yes." Shinji's fingers clench around the handles and she centers herself. One. Two. Three. She detaches herself.
Afterwards, Shinji is making dinner with Misato watching her and Pen-Pen following Shinji as she moves about. There is no change in Shinji's attire and Misato knows that she hasn't worn any of the bras that she's bought. They're still there, folded inside of their pastel pink bag on the desk near her bed.
"Shin-chan, I have a present for you!" Shinji pauses and turns to her, placing the knife down before she leans down and gives Pen-Pen a slice of tofu.
Misato smiles at the exchange and brings out a small wrapped box. "Go ahead, open it!" She opens a beer and settled down into her chair passing Pen-Pen a beer when he waddles over to her.
Shinji unwraps the gift, slowly smoothing over the paper corners and making sure she doesn't rip it. As if she'd never received a gift from another person—Misato refrains from sighing and instead watches as Shinji brings out the cellphone, Misato smiles at her perplexed stare "It's so you can stay in contact with people!"
Shinji smiles "Thank you, Misato-san!" she puts the phone away and goes back to cooking with Pen-Pen following her and Misato returns to watching them, content.
/
Shinji stares at her cellphone that never rings, she twists and turns it in her hands. She knows that they're for keeping in contact with others but who would she keep in contact with? She had tentative friends back with her sensei and… Shinji stares at the phone and debates, was the number still the same?
She types in the digits and stops at the send button, her thumb trembles and she releases a shuddering breath.
In the end, she doesn't dial the number.
/
"Unit one, prepare for launch."
Shinji opens her eyes, what is the point of piloting if father isn't here? Her cheek still stings.
"I understand." Her stomach feels like it's pulling itself apart. Target the center, then fire. Center, fire. Center, fire. Center. Fire.
Terror. Terror. She can't do this. She can't do this. Run away. Run away. Run away you big baby. Run. Run. RUN!
"Shinji!"
Live. Live. You must live. Shinji holds her head and looks to the side. Her heart drops into the pit of her stomach as she stares down at the two boys. A shadow falls over them and Shinji moves, protect. Protect. I must protect.
"Shinji, let them into the cockpit and retreat."
I can't die. Not like this. I—I have to save them. Shinji feels malice at her fingertips and in the line of her jaw, Kensuke and Toji gripping onto the seat of the Eva. Fear like blood in their veins and she must save them. She has enough blood on her hands.
"Utilize recovery route 34." Her hands burn and the progressive knife fits into her palm. It feels safe, secure. Her world falls into a tunnel view, do what you must Shinji-kun. Do what you need to do. Mother will always stand beside you. She blocks out everything, everyone. All that matters is that she needs to destroy this thing. One step closer, one step further. The tentacles pierce the Eva and she stabs the angel through the core.
She screams and forces the knife deeper. As adrenaline courses through her veins she realizes how closely she stared death in the face. And all you could do was scream at it angrily. You could have killed the others with you and for what? All for the sake of proving yourself to someone who isn't even here!
She dissolves into tears, the other two a witness to her weakness.
/
It's natural for her to run away. It comes as easily as breathing and yet this time, it's harder than the others.
Shinji stares at the payphone and her hand twitches to dial that all too familiar number and just hear a familiar voice. She jumps when she hears the dial tone and her index finger pushes those buttons. Each dial blaring against her skull as she desperately tries to reign in her feelings.
The person picks up and familiarity sweeps through her "Sensei, it's me. Shinji."
She hears the delighted answer and listens to her former sensei talk, it soothes her nerves like a cello string unwinding from harsh tuning to play the perfect note. Her heart longs for simpler days when everything bled grey and the world never recognized her nor wanted to. Surviving but never living hoping to notice someone who could remind her that perhaps life would be alright if she were to live it.
It's not realistic, her heart states. All people do is hurt each other. Hurt me. I don't want to let anyone in if they're just going to hurt me. I won't let them.
Shinji's hand tightens around the phone "Sensei, I'm fine. When I have free time, I'll call you." She waits for a reply and hangs up, hand hanging uselessly at her side. "I'm a coward."
Keep running.
/
Shinji curls under the tent with Kensuke who does not say that they are friends but a small bud of hope flourishes in her chest, creeping along the walls of her ribcage and spine. It fills her lungs and leaves her lightheaded. The thought of having a friend is exhilarating and yet, Kensuke could very well hurt her.
But when she looks over at Kensuke she sees that he's got a plane figurine in his hand. "I don't have a mother, I'm the same as you." Were they the same? No. No, Shinji knows that her experiences are unique within themselves. But Kensuke had a father. "What is your father like Kensuke?"
Kensuke drops his plane, it lands on his stomach and he turns to her with his dark green eyes. He judges her, weighing options and he smiles. Different, cooler around the edges. "My old man? He's cares… he's around." And the response shouldn't feel like verbal jabs at her but they do.
What would it be like if Gendo loved Shinji? What would it be like if he were around? What would it be like to receive a hug from her own father? A smile? A compliment? The very idea of him doing such is disconcerting but Shinji wants it all the same. What would it be like to have a normal person in my life?
It's implausible.
/
There are men in suits come to take Shinji back to Nerv and Shinji watches as Kensuke stands up and tries to defend her. In his scrawny, awkwardness and yet something shakes Shinji to the core. Someone is willing to protect her. To risk their life for her. There is a small layer of warmth that settles over the abyss of ice that is within her soul and she feels herself smile. "It's okay, Kensuke. I'll be fine." As she walks away she glances back at him.
He stares at her with wide eyes. "I'll see you at school."
/
Shinji sits in a dark room thinking over her actions and Misato berates her. "I was-"
"You weren't thinking is what you were doing." Misato leans down and whispers into her ear so low that neither the cameras or recorders will be able to pick up "You're a woman, Ikari. Don't think that this world will give you a fucking hand out because of it."
And Shinji understands and yet she does not. She cannot. She has been living as a male and it confuses her.
She's heard that women cannot travel alone late at night without the escort of someone or a handgun. She's heard that girls travel in groups in any location regardless if it is public or not. Yet she does not understand why.
Misato's heavy stare causes her to tremble and she can't help but wonder what. What is so dangerous about traveling late at night? What is so dangerous about living as a woman? What? Why? Why?
"I'll see you at home." She snaps and leaves. The door opens and closes and Shinji is left in the dark.
/
It isn't until Misato is sitting across from her that Shinji remembers the conversation of when she ran away. "Misato-san, why is it dangerous to be a woman?"
Misato stops, beer poised at her lips and she sets it down and stares at Shinji. "Shinji, what do you know about being a woman?" Misato quips back leaning an elbow on the table and resting her chin in her palm.
Shinji pauses and leans back head tilted to the side, her growing hair tickling her ears. "Well I know that women must travel together late at night and that it's best to remain together even if the area is crowded." Her lips thin and she looks off to the side "I know that girls worry about things like make-up and finding a partner in life…"
"Do you know why girls have to travel together?" at Shinji's head shake Misato sighs quietly "It's a long discussion, get me two more beers."
Wordlessly Shinji brings them over and Misato leans back, "How much do you know about the female body?" at the blank stare she receives Misato proceeds to chug her beer and she shudders. "Have you begun menstruating yet? You know, bleeding out of your genitals?" Shinji nods and Misato feels sick at the light in Shinji's eyes.
"It has a name?"
Misato resolves to a long night of questions.
/
Misato moves differently from person to person, shifts her smiles this and that way almost as if she's been doing this for years. She jokes then smiles and laughs, she pouts and frowns and nudges you in the ribs.
She's tactile, and lively. Boisterous and bubbly in a way that makes Shinji's head spin from the directions she pulls herself in. the third week into her stay there is when she discovers it.
Around her, Misato is neutral, friendly and nice to a degree as if she doesn't know her boundaries. Around Doctor Akagi, she is a foil to her. But there is something off about it, Misato moves in a different way between them. Even though she gives off the impression that she is friends, and warm, and nice, she maintains a discreet distance.
She seems to dance around people, in conversation. Becoming close enough to lure you in only to twirl away and move on before twirling back.
She is like Shinji. But Misato does not feel awkward like she will crawl out of her skin, she looks comfortable in her own skin, with her own body. Misato seems like she flowers around people while in Shinji's case they make her feel nauseous and disgusting. Too many eyes. Everyone looks at you with critical eyes. Stop looking at me. (Gouge their eyes out). I'm not a freak. I hate it when people look at me like that. [Please, look at me.]
But it is there. Misato is probably just as afraid of being hurt and thrown away as she is. Probably, probably someone hurt her in the past. Was she like Shinji? No, Misato smiles and laughs and she has friends. Misato is a beautiful woman with a laid back personality and her laugh, her honest laughter is pretty. She makes her own rules, she commands. She is a force (a small force), but she stands out.
Shinji is just this plain frumpy thing with too long limbs and too high cheekbones, too plain of face and foreign eyes. Shinji is an odd ugly, disgusting thing that can't even smile properly let alone hold a conversation. Shinji doesn't command respect and she doesn't deserve it. Shinji can't even be a proper girl or a boy. She is an it. An anomaly, something that should be kept from people and in a facility.
She watches Misato yawn before she notices her staring and gives her a sheepish grin "How are you, Shin-chan?" Shinji gives her a smile and shakes her head before looking down at her plate to resume eating, lost in thought.
That's another thing, Misato is terribly familiar. Shinji doesn't know her but she doesn't dislike it, not like how sensei and his wife would only call her Ikari-kun as if she hadn't lived with them for nearly a decade. It isn't proper, it isn't right for Misato to act like they're familiar but it feels nice. Like someone actually cares.
In Shinji's fusty little corroded cage of a heart, there's still a bitter, horrid thing holding out hope that someday, someone will love her. Will make her feel safe, will make her not question herself at every turn. Will give her enough confidence to entertain the thought that she can be human, an insider instead of an outsider.
If anyone would hear her voice this they would call her old fashioned, call her outdated and weird. But it would be nice to be taken care of, to be loved deeply. She knows that it's wrong to depend on someone fully but she knows no other way. Think for yourself! Just do something! Be spontaneous! No one wants a stick in the mud! God, you're so boring!
Shinji flinches and rubs her head, these headaches had been happening ever since she began piloting but Misato said that it was normal as her psyche was still getting used to being pushed and pulled in certain direction. Out of depth from synching with the Eva but she would get used to it. Shinji eats slowly feeling like stones are falling into her stomach every time she swallows, like she can hear her stomach digesting food just as easily as she can hear time stretching and the loud clinking of chopsticks against a glass bowl from next door.
She gets ready for bed and lays staring up at the ceiling trying to fall asleep. The clock ticking sounds harsher and she can hear Misato and Pen-Pen snoring away. She grimaces and presses the palms of her hands to her ears harshly enough that all she can hear now is the flow of the blood in her veins and her bones creaking.
It soothes her and she puts in her earbuds and lets the music from her SDAT wash over her.
She feels weightless floating in a sea of nothing.
She sleeps.
/
"Ikari Shinji." She sees a flash of blue and then sees herself as a child looking up at someone. She gasps finding herself resting beneath a distorted, groaning ocean and she squints her eyes and struggles not to breathe but eventually loses and inhales only to find that she can breathe. She loses the tension in her muscles and looks up and sees that the sky is a dark gray with sulfur yellow mixed in and thunder and lightning groan and crack overhead. A bit away from her she can hear voices "-loves us! Loves you and me. – loves us so much, remember that." She frowns trying to hear the name but she can't, the roar of the oceans too great.
She sees her child self perk up and beam with hope "Really?" she asks in high-pitched mystified awe that someone could love her.
"Yes, - loves us so much, - would do anything for us. – wants us to be happy! Make sure to make – happy!"
The child nods enthusiastically beaming so wide her face almost rips itself in half "I'll always remember!" she announces proudly, thumping a small hand to her tiny chest as if to make the words seal themselves in her heart.
The child disappears and Shinji jumps when everything turns black as if someone turned off the lights and screams when a pair of bright electric blue eyes glare at her "How could you forget!?"
/
Shinji wakes with a strangled gasp, she clutches her head and barely muffles her scream wildly her eyes scan the room fearful of electric blue eyes that turn red at the last second. All she hears is the sound of her SDAT tape clicking before Shostakovich's Second Symphony begins playing in her ears. She swallows roughly and curls up onto her side "Did I forget?" she whispers into the night before indecisiveness settles around her like a cloak and she drifts off to sleep dreaming of a figure sitting on the head of statue humming Ode to Joy.
/
"Please Ikari, forgive me. Go ahead and punch me with all your strength, it's the least I deserve after what I've done."
So she does without a second thought, causing him to spin and fall face first onto the floor and she crouches down by his side. He stares at her with wide eyes and she gives him a smile "Well, as punishment, you could be my friend." Her smile gains a sad, self-depreciating edge "I'm a really bad friend, so that'd be punishment enough."
But she sees Kensuke smile at her as he helps Toji up.
/
She spies Ayanami again and then hears her history with her father. Jealously swells within her. Why is father kind to her? Why does she smile at father? Why? Why would he raise Ayanami yet abandon me?
She watches her father smile down at Rei and her hands clench into fists. But just who is she jealous of?
Toji and Kensuke sit next to her at lunch and they talk, filling the silence with their energy and Shinji feels like somehow that energy fills up the holes in her heart.
Sometimes, she doesn't even look for Ayanami.
/
Shinji stares up at the red Eva and then turns back to the girl in her matching plugsuit. She doesn't know what to think, is she a friend? Is she an enemy? Surely she must be a friend if they are piloting. Perhaps this girl feels the same way too.
"Who's the daddy's boy?" Shinji tenses as Toji cracks his knuckles and Kensuke fixes his glasses, ever present video camera closing. Shinji feels both relieved and anxious, no one knows that she's a girl. Misato catches her eye and gives her a discreet nod.
Tension ebbs slowly and Shinji gently taps Toji's ribcage, giving Toji a small smile. It was nice to have someone protect her. Kensuke nears her, his body heat snapping along her arm.
The girl, Asuka, leans in nose brushing his. "Where were you at such a critical moment? A pilot should always be ready! What if an angel were to attack?"
Too close. Too wrong. Her skin feels like its crumbling in on itself. The scent of jasmine hits her. It should be calming.
Shinji feels sick.
/
Asuka is tough as nails. She's always prepared to fight. She performs like the world is watching, waiting for her to make the first move before following along.
She's aggressive, more towards that of a bully, and not at all sorry for whose toes she steps on or who she pisses off on her way to the top.
She is beautiful, with beautiful auburn hair and bright sky blue eyes.
But Asuka stomps rather than walks, she refers to herself in a gruff manner and talks to others in a demeaning tone. She is jagged around the edges and underneath that there are more layers of jagged ice, glass, and hell fire. She's got barbed wires around her heart underneath a fortress of titanium. Her tongue is like a knife to stab and dissect.
Asuka does not walk gracefully, with kindness and demureness. She spits in its very face and stomps over it for good measure.
Shinji does not necessarily like Asuka, quite frankly Asuka's personality clashes with her own. Shinji is quiet, anxious, and so ridden with insecurities that she thinks others will see them, she needs guidance and a caring hand but also someone who will push her when it is needed. Asuka is loud, angry, and self-righteous. She's driven and out to own the world that should bow at her feet.
While Shinji wants to find her own little place in the world with help from someone else, Asuka is more than prepared to force and carve her own way regardless of who she hurts.
/
Asuka is not soft. Asuka has never been soft. [She had been once, a very long time ago.]
A woman with a doll that she adored and a daughter that she hated.
Asuka is hard and tough. [No one gets to hurt people who are hard and tough]. She'll hurt everyone else before they'll ever hurt her.
The woman strangled her daughter once.
Told her she hated her and then cuddled her doll.
Asuka is not a doll. Asuka is not (beautiful) like a doll. Asuka is not some worthless doll that someone can throw away when they so please. No, Asuka is a broken doll too damaged for that but she put herself together again. Using fire and hate and her own genius.
Her cockiness, her arrogance are not fronts, they are hers. She is confident, she is perfect. She is the only unique pilot out there, her Eva is the only official type. The others are just prototypes.
A boy once compared Asuka to the sun, burning bright and blinding. She likes it. Everyone loves the sun, everyone needs the sun. They fear the solar flares, they fear the sun imploding and wiping them out in a fiery blaze.
That is Asuka. That is who she aspires to be. Ever bright and burning, capable of striking fear and awe into everyone.
She wants that, she needs to be that.
If she is that no one will leave her alone until she decides that she doesn't need them anymore. No one can hurt the sun, everyone else is hurt by the sun.
Asuka will show everyone by growing into a beautiful, bright woman capable of striking fear and terror and awe into the hearts of anyone and she will show her that she is worthy of love. That she didn't need anyone but Asuka. She didn't need that man, didn't need those pills that never worked, and she most certainly didn't need that damned doll that she cradled ever so lovingly.
The woman who loved a doll and hated her daughter decided one day that she no longer wanted to be around.
The daughter, sweet and excited, came to find
Her mother, that woman swinging from the ceiling like a wind chime.
Asuka kept the doll no matter how much she wanted to burn it. When Asuka proved her worth she would burn that doll in front of her that woman's grave, right after she burned that man and his harlot alive in front of her grave too.
Asuka feels her teeth ache and her left eye burn and ignores it, just as she ignores the soft murmurs of the Eva and the violent screams that overpower them.
Asuka is alone. She isn't lonely. [She is. always alone. always lonely]
It doesn't bother her. [It does]
She has thousands of friends. [Not a soul]
She doesn't need that woman's love. [She does. she wants her love, desperately. angrily.]
She doesn't need anyone. [She wants someone to look at her and acknowledge her.]
She's confident. [Is she doing this right? is she perfect? is she...is she good?]
Asuka is good enough, she's perfect! Asuka is better than a damned doll. She is worthy of love.
That! That is what she definitely doesn't need! Asuka does not need love! Love made that woman sick. Love made that disgusting pig of a man seek out a harlot to dry his tears and keep his dick wet. Love destroys everything and leaves behind nothing but broken mirrors and a kid no one wants-
"I don't need something stupid like that." [Mama, do you love me? Please say that you love me, just once. Please. Please mama, just say it once. Say it to me! Say it to ME! Say it to me and not that stupid doll! MAMA! MAMA PLEASE!]
Later that night Asuka stares up at the doll and has it dance to and fro before she looks above at the obnoxiously bright moon before she closes her eyes.
"Mama, am I good enough?" [Why was I never good enough?]
"Mama, do you love me?" (Angry, violent screams penetrate and dance around in her skull just like when she's alone in her Eva. That woman is always angry.)
But like always that useless woman never answered and Asuka feels more self-loathing curl into her soul and drag her heart deeper into the abyss of rage, bitterness, and ice.
/
Shinji hears whimpering coming from her old room and peeks in seeing Asuka tossing in her bed, Shinji nears her bed and makes out murmured words as she catches the tear stains on Asuka's pillow.
"Mama, please," Asuka whispers a sheen of sweat over her brow as she grimaces in pain "just say you love me. Just once."
Shinji feels like she's left her body and watches as she nears and places a gentle hand on Asuka's forehead, the other girl stills but doesn't awaken. "Asuka, it's okay." She hears herself whisper in a soothing manner as she strokes auburn hair back, "You're okay."
Shinji feels like she's settled back into her body when Asuka calms and her tears have dried and she rises to her feet before she quietly exits the room and leans against one of the walls and trembles.
Asuka isn't different. She's as broken as Shinji is. [And Shinji will take this secret to her grave if she must.]