The squad found themselves in their precinct again, sitting around in the slow hours of the morning, their leader missing again. Nick clicked his pen as he leaned back in his chair, the butterflies in his stomach always ready to make themselves known.
It was like the nerves hadn't stopped, even though he knew she was safe.
But what if she wasn't? What if something had happened that was preventing her from getting to work? He couldn't help but think like that.
Amanda saw the look in Nick's eyes, feeling the same way herself.
It was the hardest thing she had to do everyday, walking into the building that had been the safest place in her life for the past fifteen years. She knew she was late, as she often was.
The only thing that stung worse than the biting pain at her nerves was the feeling of every pair of eyes in the squad room on her as she walked in. No one said a thing. They just looked at her like she was broken beyond repair, those sympathetic glances sometimes aggravating to her.
That morning when she walked into the room she used to own, Olivia saw what she did on every other morning. There they all were, looking at her again. As she traveled to her desk, she spoke under her breath, loud enough so they could hear.
"As you were." She mumbled.
Cragen had stepped out of his office only moments before she'd spoken, and he called her name.
"Liv."
He had his hands deep in his pockets. Olivia turned to find him standing there, just one more person with their eyes on her.
"Can I see you for a second?" She gave a small sigh, her mood already sliding.
She dropped her bag and followed her Captain into his office, shutting the door after herself.
Cragen didn't even know how to begin.
"Olivia, I just wanted to check in with you. See if you're feeling ok." He began anyways.
She put a hand through her hair, still shocked by how short it was in her fingers.
"Captain, I'm fine. You don't have to ask me that." She replied.
Cragen knew it had to be said, so he said it.
"Well someone has to."
The words earned him a stern look from Olivia, but he didn't stop there.
"I know you're capable of taking care of yourself. But I also know that not even you could go through something like that and come out perfectly fine."
Olivia had known these words were eventually going to come out of her captain's mouth. She looked down, her mood switching, the lump in her throat again.
"I just want you to treat me like you always have - like you would anyone else." She cursed in her head at the shake she heard in her voice.
Cragen gave her a small grin. It was relieving to hear her say what she wanted, as she often didn't say anything at all.
"Ok."
As she turned to leave, he reached out and caught her arm gently. Even so, it startled her, causing her to turn swiftly, yanking it out of his grasp.
Things were not the same; she was not who she had been.
Her heart immediately sped up as she looked into the face of William Lewis. Only one blink of her eyes and he was gone, her captain standing before her instead.
He could see that look in her eyes, that glance that showed her readiness to fight or run.
"Sorry." She whispered.
"Liv-" he stopped as he saw the crimson color on her face again as a small drop of blood trickled out of her nose.
"Damn it." She put a hand to it, catching the next three drops.
Cragen reached back and handed her four tissues from the box on his desk. She took them, not willing to go out the door and have her colleagues see her like that - again.
"You get them a lot, I hear." Her captain put an arm on her shoulder and sat her down in the chair across from his own.
Olivia nodded, a little angry that Nick had told the captain about their private conversation.
"I'll have Nick take you in."
She shot him a look, silently begging him not to.
"Don't. They can help with them, Liv." He sat on his desk as he looked down at his detective, the closest one he'd ever had to a daughter.
Olivia couldn't stop her thoughts from spilling out. "I just want them to stop."
They both knew that they were no longer talking about the bloody noses. She wanted the memories to stop, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the feelings of vulnerability.
He nodded. "They will. It'll take time, but they will." He replied.
Olivia met his eyes.
"You don't always have to be fine." He was almost whispering.
"Nobody's fine all the time, and that's ok. I just want you to be able to tell me when you're not ok."
She never looked away. She even nodded, pausing and then shaking her head, ashamed a little of the tears that came to her eyes. She gave a defeated smile.
"I'm not ok." She reached for new tissues as her nose continued to bleed.
"You'll get there." He stood up and took her hand to help her stand as well.
They walked to the door together.
"You have a bad day, you come talk to me."
She offered him another smile. No words could express how grateful she was for people who cared so much for her.
"Deal."
They both entered the squad room.
"Amaro." Cragen spoke.
Nick got up immediately and approached the two.
"Will you take her in for me?"
Her partner nodded. "Absolutely. Come on, Liv."
He put his arm around her and led her out of the room. Munch perked up with the other three.
"She ok?" He asked.
"Just having some bloody noses. I've got a case for you three."
The walk to the car was silent between the two partners. Nick remembered what she'd said the night before as he'd driven her home, and he didn't ask her if she was ok.
As they drove away from the precinct, she spoke.
"I'm sorry, Nick. I-"
He didn't refrain from cutting her off. He shook his head as he replied quietly.
"No. It's ok."
She was sorry for everything. She was sorry she had changed. She was sorry she had to burden him with the things she'd gone through.
The one thing she realized as she sat in silence with him was that she didn't feel obligated to say anything. They were comfortable together.
They didn't talk the entire ride to the hospital. When he parked, he saw the look that Olivia had while she looked at the hospital. The last time she'd been there, it'd been an invasive, intimate procedure she'd had done. He could tell that she was nervous.
"Hey." He reached out to touch her hand gently.
She jumped a little, snapping her head back to him.
"We're going to be fine." He opened the door and led her into the busy chaos that was Mercy General.
Olivia and Nick were absent from the squad room over the next two hours as the detectives went to work on a rape-murder. Amanda worked alongside Fin and Munch trying to uncover any evidence that would lead them to their killer. They were all sitting at the computer at Munch's desk when their friends and colleagues returned.
"You good?" Munch realized he shouldn't have said it when he remembered how she'd responded to the last comment he'd made to her regarding her condition.
Olivia saw that he wished to take it back as soon as he'd said it.
She nodded. "I'm good. What have we got?"
The crew worked hard all day, as they normally would. Everyone had that concern in the back of their minds, the concern for their leader and friend. The captain sent them all home early after they'd uncovered solid evidence to add to their case.
Olivia took a cab home, sitting uncomfortably in the back of the vehicle with a stranger in front of her. It was the first time she'd refused a ride home from her partner, the first time she had made it her challenge to make it home on her own.
And so she sat, nervously wringing her hands. It was when she was jolted with a sudden stop by the cabbie that she was sent backwards in time.
:::
"What about that pert little detective, the blonde one. She's not gonna notice all the cuts, all the bruises?"
Lewis was staring at her as she sat, helpless to save herself, tied to her own chair.
Her heart raced. This was her last chance. If she blew it now, she could kiss her life goodbye. Her brain spun its story easily, even in the heat of the situation.
"Cab stopped short. I hit my face on the divider." Then he came at her again, lunging with a look of darkness on his face.
The burn his cigarette made when it put a hole in her shirt and singed her skin made her cry out in pain.
He shoved it in hard, making sure she felt every lit fiber on her chest.
:::
Olivia threw the money she held in her hand through the divider.
"I'm just - I'm gonna walk."
She opened the door, not able to bear the confinement anymore. The cab drove away, leaving her in a quiet part of the city, street lights and cars the only source of light.
Olivia ran her fingers over the strap of her purse as it hung on her shoulder, her heart beating so fast it hurt. She backed up, stopping only when she felt the cold concrete ledge of the building on her back.
She didn't want the shadows, or whatever was in them, to sneak up on her. Olivia dug in her purse, retrieving her phone. Still five miles from the apartment, she knew she wouldn't be able to walk all the way home, and she was certain she wouldn't be getting back into a cab.
With one final feeling of shame, Olivia dialed Brian's number. She crossed her arm over her chest, hoping to shelter herself from the terror of darkness.
"Hey. Uh - could you come get me?"
Brian was obviously concerned, and he told he'd be there in a few minutes.
Olivia waited against the side of the building, her heart never slowing down to normal speed as she did. The familiar vehicle pulled up to the curb in only a few moments, but it felt like an eternity.
Brian leaned over and opened the door for her from the inside. Olivia got in and just sat there, her breathing hurting, her heart sore. Brian let her sit for a bit before he touched her shoulder.
"You're ok. Hey."
She finally looked at him.
"You're alright."
She put her arms around him gently, needing that comfort again. He gave her a soft kiss on the top of her head. It was so hard for him to keep his pain inside. There was never a harder moment in his life than when he saw her jump, when he saw her pupils dilate in fear.
He drove her home that night, and he later held her tight as they both lay in bed. He wished he could do something to go back and change what happened, but he couldn't. Even in their situation, there wasn't a day that he wanted to be anywhere but by her side.
He'd let her go thirteen years before, and he wouldn't let them drift apart again. He loved her too much to do that.
So there they were, breathing easily in the darkness of the night. Lewis hadn't taken her life. She was still here.
Olivia was going to fight to get back to as close to normal as she could, and Brian was going to be right next to her all the way.