Over My Head (My Confessions)
Tagline: Everyone knows I'm in over my head and I don't know what to do to but to give my confessions.
Summary: When the pressures of being unable to conceive slowly derails their relationship, Arizona chooses to take a break. She heads to Africa to work as a missionary, saving lives of the tiny humans. Yet, little to every one's knowledge, including her own, she takes a little something of Callie's with her. Now seven months later, Callie's world is turned upside down by the arrival of her ex-girlfriend and the tiny human growing inside of her. Can Callie find forgiveness for the mother of her child? Or is it simply too late?
Warning: AU Season 7
Pairing: Callie/Arizona.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Author's Note: First and foremost: I hope everyone had a very happy holiday and will have a great New Year. I am truly appreciative of the feedback this story has gotten; it continues to inspire me knowing that others love this story as much as I do. I tip my hat to those who have picked up on the foreshadowing and have pieced together parts of this story already and I hope that you continue to do so. With that, my dears, I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I truly do.
Chapter Three
There is familiarity in Teddy's apartment; something that comforts the broken hearted Latina, even at this late hour. Perhaps it is the darkness of the room that reminds her of the same aching shadows that haunt the corners of her heart, or perhaps it is the flickering fireplace that reminds her of the one that she and Arizona snuggled up to during the holidays they spent with the Robbins in a snow covered town in North Carolina. Maybe it is the memory of throwing Teddy a surprise birthday here, sharing a piece of birthday cake, dancing, occasionally spazzy, until the wee hours of the morning. This apartment haunts her with thoughts, with memories, with all the feelings that she has desperately been trying to run away from, with chasing alcohol and nights of endless sleep.
She sits with her head in her hands, looking down at the hardwood flooring below her as she twists and tangles the hair between her fingers, a nervous habit that she is not even aware that she is doing these days. A shaky, rattling breath echoes in her lungs as she bounces her knee in a nervous shake, wrinkling her brow, desperately trying to fight the aching memories that attempt to overcome her conscious mind. She can never get away; no matter where she goes. Arizona is there, in her mind, in her heart, she is everywhere.
She has never known a cold like this before; such a haunting aches that she cannot escape, no matter what. It has been seven months; seven months of the familiar pain, of the endless drinks, of the desperation to find the person that she used to be. The old Callie would have put the infamous leather jacket back on and stood tall because she had loved and lost and learned to be a better person because of it. The old Callie would have held her head up high and walked into Joe's, looking for another beautiful girl or guy that suits her style and offered to have a round with them. The old Callie would not have been so broken by the sudden departure of her girlfriend.
But Arizona's Calliope is in love and that is something that takes a lifetime to get over.
She sighs, biting her bottom lip as she continuously bounces her knee to distract her from the feelings that she wants nothing more than to just simply ignore. Maybe this was not such a good idea, she sighs with a roll of her eyes. What was she thinking showing up on her ex-girlfriend's best friend's doorstep? That Teddy would just open up to her and tell her everything about the gorgeous blond? That she would convince them to work it out? Teddy blames her for Arizona's leaving, whether she admits it or not.
"Coffee?" She looks up to see Teddy extending a coffee mug toward her, she smiles softly as she curls her fingers around the red mug with a quaint nod of her head. She watches the blond who shuffles over to the sofa, tossing a blanket over the top of the cushions before crawling Indian style into the seat, her own mug in her hands. The two share a tentative gaze in which Teddy smiles before she blows on her coffee and takes a rather large sip of the caffeinated drink.
"I have had the longest day on earth. Spend seven hours in a sixteen year old's chest, trying to repair her atrial valve and ended up losing her during the last hour of the procedure. It was always hard losing a patient but when they are just a kid…" Teddy trails off, shaking her head with a sigh, looking down into the coffee mug and Callie nods in understanding, taking a sip of her own coffee. She closes her eyes for a moment before looking into the empty fireplace. Teddy Altman had not exactly been the top of her list of the people she wanted to socialize with, only because of whom she reminded her of but now she realizes that she may be the only person, besides Arizona, who has the answers she needs.
"Tiny coffins," Callie offers with a sigh. Her thumb absently brushes against the coffee mug in her hands as her distant, ghostly eyes flicker from the tall blonde's face to the empty fireplace with a disheartening sigh. Somewhere along the way she has lost herself; somewhere between the random sex, the absent flirting, the inward depression and the lack of sleep, Calliope Torres barely recognizes herself anymore. She swore to herself that this would never happen again, after George and Erica, but Arizona was different. They were different.
"Callie…" Teddy's voice trails off in a disapproving tone and the raven haired beauty only hangs her head with a soft sigh, using her free hand to twist in her knotted black curls. She wishes Teddy could understood, she wishes they all could understand. She is in love with Arizona, they planned an entire life together, and that is not something that she can just get over in a matter of months.
"Don't patronize me, Teddy." Callie mumbles, looking down at her mug. Teddy wrinkles her nose in a soft sigh, her eyes fixated upon the familiar raven haired beauty that sits across from her. The blond remembers when she first met her; she was a bad ass, bone breaking beautiful woman who was helplessly in love with the perky blond who said they were going to be friends without so much as asking her. The person that sits before her now is the exact opposite of that person she used to know. She wishes that she could help her; she wishes that she could tell her everything that she knows; but she knows that she does not have what she needs.
No, only one person has the missing pieces that can put Calliope Torres back together again.
And that one person is half way across the world.
Looking up from under her long eyelashes, the skinny blond lets out a struggled sigh as she bites absently on her bottom lip wondering, if anything, what to say to heal the broken woman before her. She wonders if there is anything the two of them could ever possibly do or say that would heal each other.
"She really broke you, didn't she?" whispers Teddy in a hushed whisper and Callie looks up, her eyes swollen with distraught and emptiness. Try as hard as she might, Teddy just cannot find it within her to be angry at the Ortho goddess, despite everything that has happened. Despite the fights between her and her best friend, despite the drunken nights, the sleeping around, the refusal to fight for Arizona, despite the fact that she secretly blames Callie for the blond leaving. Despite everything, Teddy sympathizes with the woman.
"I guess it was easy to ignore how broken you were when I was too busy blaming you for her leaving," Teddy mumbles in a soft whisper, thumbing the ring around the coffee mug and Callie looks up at her, brushing her disheveled mess of hair away from her face. The two women, who had once been strangers, are suddenly pulled together by a very familiar aching pain.
"I'm sorry, you know? That… about what happened. And I'm sorry that I have not exactly been the friendliest person toward you lately. I just… I know that you loved her. And I know that she loved you. But she was my best friend. The only person who ever understood anything about me, the only person who took the time to care..." Teddy trails off with a sigh and a bitter laugh as she shakes her head, sending her blond waves tumbling down her back, rubbing her temple absently.
"I have been so angry at you because ever since she has been gone, you've been…well, the old Callie. You have been flirting with everyone, sleeping around with people that are no good for you. I've been so angry because she is suddenly gone and you aren't… you aren't even trying to win her back," Teddy states and Callie wrinkles her brow with a hard laugh and a shake of her head.
"Oh, you think that would matter? If I just called her up one night and said I'm sorry? For what? For wanting a life, for wanting a future? Do you really think that would erase the past? Because if you do, then you certainly do not know Arizona. She likes to hold grudges," Callie grumbles, taking a long swig of her coffee and Teddy partially gasps in the utmost annoyance.
"Yeah and you like to mope around and expect people to feel sorry for you because the love of your life is not here, yet you do nothing to change it except have sex with anything that moves!" Teddy barks out in a tight voice. Callie rolls her eyes, standing to her feet, sitting the coffee mug down on the table as she rakes her finger through her raven curls, tugging them between her hands as she laughs bitterly, throwing her head back.
"I should have known better. I should have known better than to show up here and expect you to understand where I am coming from. I should have known. Arizona is your person, you are like, freakin' in love with her or something. Of course you are going to blame me! Of course! Because she could have done no wrong. Of course it is all my fault!" Callie almost yells, storming across Teddy's floor as she pulls her leather jacket over her curves in a huffing blow, fighting the tears that form in her dark brown eyes. She can feel her walls coming down, her body shaking in trembles so much that she can barely stand, she can feel her heart breaking and sinking further into her chest. She fights with the other sleeve of the jacket when a familiar hand cups her shoulder. Sniffling, she turns to find Teddy standing behind her, her hazel eyes flushing with aching sympathy and swirls of pain of her own. The blond does not say anything for a long moment, instead their eyes only stay focused upon one another's and her lips part to say something but only a rush of air comes out instead.
"C-Callie…" Teddy begins but Callie's face crumbles, the tears streaming down her face as the most heart wrenching cry escapes from her dry lips. Shaking her head slowly back and forth, she trembles with each heart breaking cry as the hot, steamy tears slide down her face, cutting into her piece by piece until she is only bleeding the emptiness of her heart.
"It is my fault. It's all my fault," cries Callie as she gasps for air, bellowing out another painful sob. Teddy sighs, turning her head to the side only slightly before she steps forward, wrapping her arms around Callie as she pulls the sobbing woman close for comfort. Callie chokes out another cry as she digs her fingers into the fabric of Teddy's shirt, painfully holding onto the last piece of Arizona she has left.
Sitting across the table, Callie gazes at the beautiful blond who neatly picks at the desert on her plate, a warm smile pressed upon her lips. She can't help but think about how far the two of them have come since the beginning; since they first shared that kiss at Joe's bar, from all the fights and the flights, all the tears and the smiles. They made it here. Together.
After George and Erica, Callie had given up on love and to her, happily ever after's was just a cliché closing at the end of a child's bedtime story. She had never thought that she would be happily in love, that she would be willing to get married, that she, of all people, would be expecting a child. But Arizona Robbins crashed into her life and changed everything about her, in such an amazing way.
Now, there is a tiny human growing inside of her. Their tiny human; made of love and happiness and hope. A tiny human they are responsible for, a tiny human they get to teach the ways of the world to, watch grow into a magnificent adult. A tiny human being that is the perfect mixture of bad ass and perky.
And normally Callie would be excited, elated even, except for tonight.
Because tonight, something just feels…off.
But the raven haired beauty simply shrugs it off as her hormones being out of whack; after all, she is incubating an infant and that tends to turn the best of people into hormone casseroles. Or maybe she is catching a cold, her girlfriend does work in Peds and everyone knows that kids are the main carrier of germs. Or maybe it is simply all just made up in her mind since this has been a fairly easy pregnancy so far, which had been something she was not expecting entirely.
But something feels wrong and Callie sighs in annoyance, unable to exactly place what it is. Arizona's soft hand catches her off-guard and she jumps, startled. The dimpling blond giggles as she threads their fingers together and Calliope can feel the warm blush curling within her oval cheeks. Softly, she brushes her fingers across Arizona's smaller nails as the two of them share the most loving gaze.
"Just think, this time next year, I can be sharing this hot fudge cake with our baby," Arizona grins, her beautiful magic smile and Calliope feels her stomach flip flop at the melodic sound. It still amazes her, how, even after all this time, something so simple can make her feel so alive.
"Arizona, I don't think that a baby should be eating hot fudge cake. Especially your baby," Callie interjects with a teasing laugh and Arizona gasps, pulling her hands back just slightly as she wrinkles her nose in mock hurt and Callie only grins.
"What do you mean by that?"
"No, no. It's not an insult. I'm just saying that you are… perky and…and yay all the time, with or without the help of chocolate… or sugar. And if this baby is anything like you, then it is going to come out of the womb all smiles and cheery and… yay." To this, Callie waves her hands in a cheering gesture with a playful grin, "and he or she will certainly not need any help from Hot Fudge Cake or any cake for that matter because we already have McPerky 2.0 on our hands." The raven haired beauty teases with a warm laugh, a bright smile playing upon her lips. Arizona wrinkles her brow as she puckers her bottom lip out in an infamous pout before she breaks their gaze and stares down at her hands with a quiet sniffle. Rolling her eyes playfully, Callie snorts a laugh before she squeezes her hands reassuringly to catch those blue pearls once again.
"I hope our baby is just like you, Arizona." Callie exclaims ducking her head only slightly to make sure she catches those flickering eyes. Arizona sniffles sheepishly, parting her lips only slightly as a quiet breath echoes from them, "well… maybe not as dramatic as you are but I know that it's only a cry for my attention." She teases with a shrug of left shoulder and a playful smile and Arizona giggles.
"I hope Pea is just like you. Because then it would be perfect," Arizona charms with a smile and Callie can feel the warm blush trying to form within her cheeks so she forces a flirtatious giggle. Even after all this time, Arizona Robbins knows exactly how to get her way with her.
"It's getting late. We should get going so I can get the two of you in bed before the weather gets too bad," states Arizona, glancing down at her watch and Callie nods quietly. She pulls her hands from under Arizona's as she softly places it upon her slightly round stomach, wrinkling her nose at the tightness that cramps over her. She softly rubs small circles into her stomach as Arizona slowly stands, pushing her chair out and slipping on her coat.
"Yeah, I need some rest," mumbles Callie in a grumbling wrinkle.
A sensation aches through Calliope, a tight, cramping sensation, as her hands grow clammy and a cold sweat curls down the back of her neck. She closes her eyes for a brief moment, desperately trying to ignore the pain. Arizona reaches for her hand with a soft smile and Callie slowly places her hand within the upturned palm. Slowly, she begins to stand when suddenly a hard, breath taking cramp radiates through her stomach and her knees buckle as she slowly sinks to the floor.
"OWWWW!" Callie cries out in wrenching pain as her trembling hands clutch at her stomach. Instantly, Arizona is on her knees beside the raven haired beauty, her frantic blue eyes searching her body for the source of pain.
"Callie? Callie, what's wrong?"
"OWWWW! Arizonaaaaaaaa!" shrieks Callie, the cramp tightening in her stomach as a heat echoes in her center, a warm liquid escaping within her, "something's wrong!" She cries out, the cold sweat drenching her entire body as she trembles, gasping to catch her breath as she clutches to her stomach.
"Cal—"
"The baby! Something is wrong! Arizona! AAHHHHH! Make it stop! OWWW! Oh my God!" she yells, wrangling in the pain as she struggles to catch a breath, any breath. With worried eyes, Arizona searches her body as she looks down at her stomach, her quivering lips allowing a sharp breath to escape her.
"No. Arizona… No. No. Please. God. Please. Oh God. God, no. No. Not the baby. Oh. Owww!" shrieks Callie, the aching pain stealing her breath and slowing her heart. Arizona reaches for her hand, softly grasping it as her fleeting eyes glance around the restaurant full of glaring people.
"Don't just sit there! Call 911!" yells Arizona, "Someone help! Please!" the blond shrieks for help and Callie looks up at her, the tears slipping down her cheeks as she clutches at her stomach, her legs slowly slipping open as the aching pain trembles through her body. She looks down between her legs as the red, hot liquid begins to soak through her fabric and it sends her into another heart breaking wail.
"Arizona, t-the baby. It's… t-the baby. Something is wrong. Save her.. please… please… A-Arizona… the baby… the…." Callie cries, sucking in a gasp of air before her whole world goes black.
A soft jostle startles the snoozing blond as her eyes quickly flutter open, darting around the scene before her, trying to discover where she is. Her eyes make quick work of the interior of the plane, noticing the aisles and the seats around her before she focuses in on the familiar face sitting next to her. Licking her dry lips, she squints; almost unsure as to whom she is seeing before the raven haired beauty smiles a gentle smile that sends familiar warmth over her in soft waves. The blond smiles bashfully as she slowly rises up in her slanted seat, brushing her golden hair away from her face in a creeping blush.
"Did you have a nice nap?" asks Dani, shifting in her seat to view the woman sitting beside of her. Arizona giggles quietly, wiggling in the poorly supported seat as her hand rests comfortably on her round stomach. She is almost surprised at how comfortable it is with Dani, how she is almost a complete stranger and yet she finds herself so open with her. Perhaps it is the fact that she knows that once they are off the plane, she will never see the woman again or maybe it is because Dani does not know her past, does not know anything about her and cannot judge her for all the things that she has done.
"I haven't had a good sleep since the pregnancy test turned positive. Which kind of sucks because the next eighteen years won't be any better," Arizona grumbles with a playful roll of her eyes, her left hand clutching the arm chair between the two of them. Dani giggles quietly, flipping the page of her magazine as her eyes scan through the words. Arizona settles in the seat, glancing out at the open sky that surrounds the plane. She slowly inhales deeply, feeling the soft beating of her heart and the warmth that echoes in her stomach.
"So, you still love her, huh?" Dani states matter-of-factly as she flips the magazine page, catching Arizona off guard. The blond glares over at her wrinkling her brow and Dani looks up from the magazine with a quaint smile, "You talk in your sleep. It is really endearing." The warmth of a blush curls within her cheeks as she forces an embarrassing giggle, looking down at her prodding stomach.
"She is the mother of my child, of course I love her," Arizona replies in a hushed whisper, softly caressing her stomach. Dani studies her for a long moment, biting her bottom lip carefully as she slowly nods her head before glancing back down at her magazine.
"That is why you are going back, isn't it? To be with her?" Dani states, turning another page harshly and Arizona swallows hard, studying her round stomach without words. She would love nothing more than to land in Seattle, to run into Calliope's arms, cry hysterically, forget everything and live happily ever after with the love of her lie and their child. But she knows that all of those things are not possible, not any longer. Calliope moved on a long time ago and even now, under these circumstances, she knows there is not a chance in hell of them getting back together.
"I don't…um…"
"Relax. You don't have to tell me. It's not any of my business anyway. But I just…" Dani shifts in her seat, looking over at Arizona, "you are really beautiful and you seem to be really sweet. And I know, from what you said in your sleep, that you are still crazy about this woman. So, no matter what happened between the two of you, my advice is to not give up. Love is… amazing. And worth fighting for. No matter how much shit you got into before." She exclaims with a quip of her head and Arizona sighs with a soft shake of her own.
"She doesn't know that I am pregnant, Dani. We haven't talked in months. I don't think me showing up on her doorstep and telling her that I am sorry is exactly going to win her back. She hates me," Arizona sighs, dishearteningly. She shifts uncomfortably once more, trying to fight the tears that threaten to form within her blue eyes. Dani shakes her head softly, placing her hand upon Arizona's, catching the both of them off guard at the warmth that echoes over the two of them.
"She does not. You are impossible to hate with those cute dimples. She may be angry at you and she may not understand and she may not want anything to do with you for a while but she does not hate you. You are growing a baby inside of you, her baby. And try as hard as she might, she can't deny that. She can't deny the fact that the two of you are having a baby together and that connects the two of you. For the rest of our lives. You may have done some things that she may not agree with and things that hurt her but they are all in the past and this is the now. You have to fight for what you want, Arizona. And have faith that at the end of the day that love will be enough." Dani exclaims and Arizona blinks her eyes softly, trying to fight away the tears. She sniffles desperately, softly caressing her tummy as she lets out a shaky, uneven breath. The two of them share a gaze, a long and tender gaze and Arizona giggles through the tears, a dimple revealing smile curling upon her lips.
"You are very deep and philosophical for a stranger, you know?" She giggles with a sniffle, rubbing her nose on her sleeve. Dani rolls her eyes with a giggle, softly threading her fingers around the dimpling blond in a comforting touch.
"It is sad that after the memories and moments we have shared, you still consider me a stranger," Dani exclaims in a mock hurt, placing her free hand over her chest and Arizona giggles once more, a sound that creates a flickering smile upon Dani's lips.
"Trust me, Dani. You are not a stranger," Arizona replies in a warm smile and Dani looks at her with a bashful smile. For a moment, there are no words; because there are no words needed. The two of them, complete strangers, from different corners of the world, are suddenly drawn together in their likeness, drawn together in familiarity and comfort. For a moment, Arizona feels like her quest to win Calliope back is anything but impossible, for a moment she almost feels alive again.
Then suddenly, a hard jolt crashes through the plane, shattering the silence around them. The plane rocks in the air at the hard movement, sending the passengers colliding to different sides of their seats. Dani's hand locks tightly around Arizona's in a hard squeeze as she gasps in a breath, the rocking of the plane continuous until suddenly, it stops.
"Sorry about that folks, we have seemed to hit some turbulence. No need to worry, this is perfectly normal," A voice states over the intercom and sighs of relief echo around them. Dani looks over at Arizona whose face is written with worry and deep thought and she smiles a little.
"This stuff happens all the time, right?" Dani asks and Arizona nods her head quietly, slightly moving her hand under Dani's fingers.
"Yeah. A-all the time." Arizona stutters with a wrinkled brow as she rests her hand upon her prodding stomach. Slowly, she caresses the bump carefully, softly shushing the tiny human that seems to be doing circles inside of her; a warm lull in the back of her throat. Glancing out the window, Arizona swallows the lump in her throat as she shakes her head quietly, lost in thoughts all her own. She cannot exactly pinpoint what it is, but something is off, she can feel it. In her blood, in her heart.
Although she does not know what, something is wrong.
Very wrong.
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