Contrary to the title of the chapter, this chapter is quite comic (at least to me). I still don't own TOS, by the way, but I love making fun of it.
Chapter 2: Random Filler Crap Time!
They entered the woods and struck the path, finally getting to a fork, bleeding badly and hating hares, bees, mushrooms, and useless candy that didn't heal them.
"Heuh my stop!" Genis declared, running down the fork to the Human Ranch.
"Stop! Entering that location is in violation of the non-aggression treaty that Iselia has with the Desian soldiers!" Lloyd objected, running after him.
Inside, they glanced through the tall electric fence and saw people in rags having to push blocks for no reason.
"This is pointless and painful!" one of the prisoners objected.
"I know," guard 21 admitted. "I don't know why you have to put up with it either…" The duo approached the gate on the left side of the door that led into the enclosure.
"Genis!" some old lady came up to them. "Is that your friend?"
"Yes, I am Lloyd,"
"I'm pleased to meet you,"
"Marbuh, didja sees it? Dere weres a or'cle!" Genis shouted excitedly.
"Yes I did," Marble replied. "Let us pray to Martel that the Chosen will have a safe journey,"
"Hey, lady! Get back to the pointless block pushing!" guard 32 shouted from somewhere.
"Oh, no!" she glanced over her shoulder. "Run away!" And so they did, and they hid behind a bush.
"Who said you could slack off?" guard 14 asked.
"…I'm sorry," Marble said docilely.
"What's with that look?" guard 21 commented.
"Looks like someone's got an attitude problem," guard 32 added.
"No, of course not, I…" Marble began nervously.
"Shaddap! We're gonna teach you a little lesson!" guard 14 said with an evil chuckle.
"The situation is grave," Lloyd whispered. "They are transferring her to the back of the yard,"
"Whadduh we do?" Genis asked anxiously. Lloyd clapped a hand to his head and jumped up the nearby cliff and, after waiting about five minutes for Genis to fail to climb the first step about 30 times, he hopped back down and carried him to the top ledge.
"NOOOO! STOP IT! NOOOOOO!" Marble screamed.
"Oh noes!" Genis yelped.
"Like us now, lady?" guard 32 chuckled as the others also tickled her with feathers. "Makes you never want to frown again?"
"NOOOOOOES!" Genis yelled, shooting fireballs into the yard, resulting in general chaos and many deaths. Desians and humans screamed as the ranch burned to the ground and the stop-drop-and-roll technique was employed a lot.
"I must remember to abstain from allowing you to cast your spells…" Lloyd muttered as they crept away from the scene of horror.
"Analyze the data from the security cams!" a singed guy with green hair yelled angrily as his troops attacked the fires with fire extinguishers and water magic. "I wanna know who the idiot is that did this, so that I may tear him limb from limb!"
Lloyd headed home alone, as Genis ran off to Iselia all emo after screaming Marble's name really loud. It took a while, but, almost dead, he crawled across the log bridge at Dirk's House.
"I must practice more…or avoid monsters…" he groaned, fumbling with the door handle on the front door, as his hands were very bloody.
"Welcome back," was all Dirk had time to say before Lloyd collapsed.
Colette was standing by his bed when he woke up. He jumped with a cry and fell on the floor.
"Ow…" his wounds were still painful.
"Lloyd, let's go out to the terrace," she said with a smile. He forced one in return and complied.
"I apologize for failing to punctually complete the gift for your birthday," Lloyd muttered, running a hand through his silky, brown hair.
"It's okay, don't worry about that," she reassured him with that smile. "Just wish me a happy birthday,"
"Of course. Happy birthday," Lloyd replied. She giggled.
"…thanks. I'm glad I could live to see this day," she said.
"I may not accompany you tomorrow, correct?"
"Well, it's just that the Desians will be after us and it's going to be a dangerous journey," she replied. "We're leaving tomorrow at noon. So would you come to the village around then?"
"Very well," Lloyd replied. She giggled again.
"…yeah. So Lord Remiel is my real father. I'm the child of an angel,"
"That does not change who you are,"
"I suppose you're right,"
Suddenly, Raine and Genis came out onto the terrace through the door, ruining the 'romantic' moment.
"Are you ready to go?" Raine asked.
"Ah, yes. I'm coming. See you later, Lloyd," she left with them.
"I suppose I should endeavor to complete her present at this present time," Lloyd muttered. Below, Genis, Colette, and Kratos waved goodbye as they left. Lloyd couldn't help but notice how Kratos' face had a handprint emblazoned on it, even from a distance.
The next morning, Lloyd sought out Dirk and found him at the grave behind the house.
"Father, I am departing on a journey," he declared. "I am going to assist Colette in the regeneration of the world,"
"…yeah. I figured you'd say somethin' like that…" he handed over a bag of random crap.
"Thank you, dad…" he muttered, trying to be polite. "I will make use of these objects…" A series of barking caught his attention and Noishe ran up with Genis chasing him.
"Ba' doggie! Ba' doggie!" Genis shouted, beating Noishe over the head with his kendama. "Y' et m' cookie!"
"Why are you present in this location?" Lloyd asked him, puzzled.
"Lloy! Y're stee heuh?!" Genis yelled, hitting Lloyd and Noishe alternately with his kendama. "Colee's goned awreadeh!"
"I beg your pardon?" Lloyd exclaimed. "This is most inconvenient!"
"C'mon! C'mon!" Genis yelled, leading him off into adventure.
Iselia was now a village of singed houses so, after looting the mayor's corpse and using him for target practice, they moved on, following Colette's trail.
"I will forever rue the demise of that hamlet…" Lloyd said regretfully as they walked along the road.
"I's cen't get wha' yer sayin'!" Genis complained.
"That is because your sister has abused you," Lloyd replied.
"Wha's uh-bu-zed?" Genis asked. Lloyd clapped a hand to his forehead.
"Never mind…"
So they traveled south until they reached the desert.
"It…so hot…" Genis groaned as they trudged through the sands.
"The cause of the heat is the Summon Spirit, Efreet," Lloyd replied, wiping his brow. "Or so it is said…" Genis replied by promptly fainting.
After an hour, Lloyd, stumbling and carrying the unconscious kid, reached Triet. Upon arriving, he went straight to the oasis and chucked Genis in. After a few minutes, he woke up and they got drinks, ignoring the kid on the pier. As they headed back to the main area, intending to ask around about Colette, they spotted three Desians and hid behind the travel agency's desk. The Katz meowed at them disapprovingly but didn't make them leave.
"This is an order from Lord Forcystus," guard 11 said. "A human named Lloyd is on the run with an Exsphere. Form a cordon in all areas immediately,"
"What does he look like?" guard 74 asked. Guard 11 put up a scrappily drawn wanted poster.
"Like this," he said. "Now, move out!" the guys ran off.
"They are most serious," Lloyd muttered.
"W' need t' hurry 'n fin' Colee," Genis added.
"We are supposed to be searching for her to defend her, not vice-versa," Lloyd replied.
"Duh it mattuh?" Genis snapped, having understood little. Lloyd shrugged, adjusted the swords that he had found amongst Dirk's bag of crap, and headed out of the stand they had been hiding in.
"Hey, you!" guards 74 and 11 came running up. "You're Lloyd, stop!"
"Detected immediately upon de-camouflaging," Lloyd muttered as he and Genis prepared to fight.
All in all, the people of Triet were very ticked at Genis for burning down half the town. Lloyd confiscated his kendama and then proceeded out of town. BONK! Rob suddenly dropped down behind Lloyd and knocked him out with a foam bat. Genis immediately started blubbering as Ed showed up and Lloyd was prone in the hot sand.
"Y'all cain't talk smack, 'cause we's just struck back!" Ed yell triumphantly as Rob hefted Lloyd and Ed cuffed Genis.
Far out into the desert, they walked, the two enemies griping the whole time about how stupid it was to have a base in a remote corner of a desert. Finally, they arrived at a big, blue, domed building. Two more guys were standing guard out front.
"I brought Lloyd," Rob said, sweating profusely.
"Who dat child?" Marty asked.
"His friend, obviously," Ed replied. "Wha' should we do wit' him?"
"Da leader only want Lloyd," Norton said. "I don't see no reason ta bring da kid," Rob carried Lloyd inside, accompanied by Ed, leaving Genis to cry loudly at the guards.
"Shut up!" Marty finally snapped. "As a race brothuh, we'll let ya go!" Genis ran off crying, bumped into Noishe, got mauled, and then ended up riding the dog away, still crying.
"You sure dat all right?" Norton asked.
"What he gonna do?" Marty replied. "Got 'im outta our hair, dinnit?"
Lloyd groaned and sat up in a prison cell.
"Where is my present location?" he wondered aloud, a hand to his head.
"…if so, I feelin' sorry fo' dat sucka, Lloyd," Wedge commented nearby.
"Yeah. He cain't powsbly e-scape ex-ecution," Biggs added. (Yes, this is a Final Fantasy reference to a reference to Star Wars. No sue!).
"Execution? What the hell?!" Lloyd thought.
"'ey, Lowd Botta's callin' ya," interjected Larz, who had, presumably, just walked in.
"Gotcha," Biggs replied, apparently leaving with Larz. Wedge took it upon himself to start pacing in front of the jail cells at the lack of people to gossip with.
"They confiscated my equipment," Lloyd thought. "And, though the door switch is within reach, I cannot open the door while he patrols," He looked down at the Sorcerer's Ring. "The only accessory I currently possess is the Sorcerer's Ring…perhaps I may distract him if I strike him with a fireball…" He took aim and fired a shot. It hit Wedge in the butt and his outfit caught on fire.
"'oly crap!" he yelled, running around as the fire spread and finally dashing into a restroom, where he dived into a toilet and put the fire out. The only problem, though, was that he was now stuck and many gurgled yells ensued, attracting guards as Lloyd attempted to leave the prison area.
"Who the hell are you?" Chris demanded.
"P…prison break!" Adell added before Lloyd cut through their foam bats and hurt them to the point that they couldn't do much but writhe and scream and clutch their ouchies. Lloyd sweatdropped at this and then crept out of the room, deciding to just let it go.
In the next room, he saw what looked like a creepy cauldron with a shiny light in the middle. Before he could start to ask nobody about it, though, Biggs and Larz ran through, looking for him, one could assume.
"Oy, Biggs!" Larz came back from the prison area. "Dese guyes needs some foist aids 'n Wedge done got 'imself stucked in da friggin' terlit a'gin!" Biggs and Larz ran into the room. Lloyd took the opportunity to slip from his obvious hiding place in the hole in the middle of the room and go to the next room, wondering how stupid these guys are. I mean, geez, they used foam bats for weapons and had horrible grammar…
He finally came to a room with a giant cube thing in the middle, after beating up a couple of inept guards in the previous hallway. He spotted a flashing sign that said: Exit to left, Move the Plot Along to right. Having read many stories, Lloyd knew how important advancing the plot was so, naturally, he took the door to his right.
He wasn't but a few steps down the hall when a soldier saw him and brandished his foam bat.
"What are you doing here?!" Lucas yelled. Instead of fighting him, Lloyd thought it would be a good idea to run into a nearby office and hope the guy didn't follow. As it turned out, the guy didn't.
"Phew…that was close," Lloyd sighed.
"And just who the hell are you?" an irritable voice said from behind him. Catching a whiff of out-of-date cologne, not unlike Kratos's, he spun to see a blue-haired guy in an eccentric mage's outfit. The guy wore a navy blue cape that encompassed his upper body. His shirt was sky-blue and held shut with five zippers. His slacks were also sky blue and were held on with a blue belt and a zipper and were tucked into his dark-blue boots. This was topped off by a blue plumed hat with a white feather. Lloyd took a moment to recover from the sight of this mage-gone-aging hipster-gone-WTH in time to notice that the guy was aiming a spell at him.
"Quid pro quo," Lloyd replied. The guy chuckled, creeping Lloyd out a bit, but not nearly as much as what he said next.
"You certainly have guts, but I don't see a need to introduce myself to a miserable little creature like you, even if you are a cutie," he winked, Lloyd blanched a little.
"Quite the coincidence," Lloyd replied, keeping his cool. "Because I see no need to introduce myself to an inferior dullard," (Crisis Core reference, here is me giving credit.)
"Why you little!" the guy looked mortally offended. Lloyd held up his hand in defense and the guy spotted his exsphere.
"An exsphere! You're…Lloyd?!" he exclaimed.
"And if I am?" Lloyd challenged, perturbed by the dreamy look on the guy's face when he found out his name.
"Hmm, I see the resemblance," the guy murmured, stroking the boy's cheek and looking pensive. Lloyd was extremely unsettled by this and drew his sword. The guy just turned slightly sideways and the strike missed.
"Sir!" Botta, Ed, and Rob ran in. Botta was speaking. "We got re-ports dat da Chosen group done got in heuh!"
"You are the Desian soldiers that assualted myself, Genis, and Colette at the Martel temple of Iselia,"
"So you Lloyd!" Botta exclaimed. "Dis amusin'!"
"Botta!" the caped guy said suddenly. "I'm leaving for now. Our plans will be ruined if he sees me,"
"Whudda da Chosen?" Botta asked.
"I'll leave that to you," the guy replied with a wink.
"Got it," Botta replied, pointedly ignoring the antics of his boss.
"Lloyd, the next time we meet, you're going out on a date with me," the guy commented. "Just you wait," he blew Lloyd a kiss and went into the back room, leaving everyone to sweatdrop for a moment before Genis, Colette, and Kratos burst in.
"Lloy!" Genis exclaimed. "You 'kay?"
"Are you all right? Are you hurt?" Colette added.
"The kid looks okay to me," Kratos replied, thinking the questions were getting redundant.
"You all came for the sole purpose of aiding me?" Lloyd asked.
"Good timin'," Botta interjected, making the group jump, as they had yet to notice him and Lloyd had temporarily forgotten about him.
"So you want to dance?" Kratos asked, taking Botta's hand and waltzing around the room with him before knocking him out with his own giant foam bat that he hadn't drawn yet.
"That sounded kinda wrong…" Ed commented. "Let's boogie on out of here," and so he and Rob did that, to the beat of some rather retro music, leaving the group to sweatdrop (except for Kratos, who was also dancing to it, until the others' stares got him to stop in conjunction with Raine coming in and hitting him upside the head with her staff, in fact, this was probably the only thing out of the two stimuli that bothered him enough to make him stop).
It doesn't make sense, I know...hope it's funny enough, 'cause Raine's gonna make me continue, no matter what (eyes staff that is being menacingly pounded against hand). Take the time to review, if you want to see some improvements in possible flaw zones.