Chapter 3: Barst Gets Trolled
"This elvish bread tastes like crap. Elves can live forever… you'd think they'd have enough time to learn how to make decent bread."
Lord Barst disdainfully ate the Lembas Bread he had been given by the elves for his journey. Much to his surprise, only several small bites of the bread were enough to fill the large warlord's stomach. A fact he was all too happy about, as he preferred to eat as little of the stuff as possible.
Barst was sitting in a small cave which was situated inside a cliff in the Misty Mountains. A campfire was burning next to him, keeping him warm from the frigid temperatures of the outside air. His horse was further in the cave, tied to a sharp rock that protruded from the cavern's wall.
From the shelter of his warm cave, Barst looked out over the Misty Mountains, which were now covered with a downpour of heavy rain, obscuring much of Barst's sight into the valley below.
But he did not need to see the valley to know that there was someone down there. Or rather… something down there. Something always watching him.
The Nazgûl.
Saruman had told him about the Nazgûl, and had given him a magical amulet, which according to the white wizard, would "protect" Barst against the Nazgûl's magic. Barst was suspicious. But he had no choice. He had no other ideas about how to fight a Nazgûl. Barst hadn't even known of their existence before stepping into Middle-Earth.
Barst fingered Saruman's amulet, which was hanging around his neck. I hope I don't have to use this anytime soon, thought the Alagaesian. But if I do… it damn sure better work.
The Nazgûl was following Barst, in the hopes that Barst would lead it to its master's ring. And once the ring was discovered and the Nazgûl no longer needed Barst, things would get very ugly, very fast.
As Barst continued looking out over the Misty Mountains, thinking about the future of his quest, a crack at the back of the cave got wider. And wider. And wider…
The crack at the back of the cave continued expanding, until it was the size of a doorway.
Two orcs stepped out.
As silently as ghosts, the two orcs reached out to grab Barst's horse, trying to pull it into their tunnel.
"About freaking time. What took you guys so long?" said Barst out loud.
The two orcs froze. They looked at each other, rather surprised. Barst turned around and looked at the orcs with a bored expression.
"Are you two buffoons gonna stand there all day and look pretty? Or are you gonna help me out here? I'm a guest in your land, and I demand to be treated as such." proclaimed Barst in a high tone, as if he was talking to his own soldiers back in Urû'baen.
One of the orcs, the taller one, raised his eyebrows at Barst in surprise. "Who do you think you are, ordering us around like some common rats! And what are you doing here? Don't you know that this is OUR mountain?"
Barst stood up straighter, all of the sudden appearing very royal and commanding. The Imperial general was used to intimidating scum, and these two orcs would be no different. This gesture had the intended effect, as the orcs took a step back, almost cowering at the sight of Barst's huge muscles.
"Who do I think I am? I think I'm Lord freaking Barst, and unless you want that to be the LAST name you ever hear again on this good earth, you better wise up, get your heads out of your asses, and show me some damn courtesy. And by the way… get your grubby hands off my horse, unless you want ME to put my hands on YOU." said Barst boldly.
Upon hearing this, the orcs shrieked, and immediately withdrew their hands from Barst's horse as if they would get cut off.
"There. Now that's more like it. Look, I don't have all day here, so I'm gonna make this short and sweet", said Barst. "I know this is your mountain. That's why I'm here. I need to speak with your leader. Take me to him. NOW."
The orcs obeyed immediately, gesturing for Barst to follow them down their tunnel. Barst picked up his mace and his traveling bag and lead his horse inside the tunnel.
As soon as Barst was inside the tunnel, he ordered the orcs to seal the entrance back up. Nobody would be getting inside now.
Barst had no idea how to fight the Nazgûl. But he had a very good idea of how not to fight it. Now the Nazgûl was trapped on the outside of the mountain, with no way of getting in. Barst grinned.
The orcs lead him down a long series of winding tunnels, going down for miles and miles into the very heart of the Misty Mountains. Down down down, to Goblin Town.
Eventually, the orcs lead him to the throne room of the Great Goblin himself. The orc leader was sitting on his throne, with two guards flanking him on each side. The extremely large orc king looked up with disdain when Barst and his horse entered the throne room. Barst scowled, not taking too kindly to the Goblin King either.
"Who is this maggot and what is he doing here?" barked the Great Goblin to the two orcs that had accompanied Barst, who looked down in shame when the Great Goblin looked at them.
"H- he- he wanted to speak with you, m- my lord!" stammered one of the orcs, ashamed to admit that Barst had ordered them around like he was their master.
"Speak with me?" Inquired the Great Goblin, eying Barst's massive mace with disdain.
"Well go ahead then, scum! Speak! But speak quickly, because it is almost dinner time, and I happen to fancy… horse at the moment" said the goblin king. Saliva dripped down his large neck as he looked at Barst's horse hungrily.
"You look like you've had far too many horses already, you fat son of a bitch." answered Barst with his classic arrogance.
The Great Goblin shrieked in anger after hearing Barst's reply. Nobody had ever addressed him like that in his lifetime. The orcs in the throne room shrieked as well and looked at Barst in amazement, never having seen someone talk down to their tyrannical ruler in this manner.
Barst looked around in surprise. "What? It wouldn't exactly hurt you to lose some weight. Instead of sitting on that throne all day and stuffing your face, why don't you go out get some exercise? These tunnels are pretty long. Perfect for jogging."
The Great Goblin was glaring at Barst like a madman. His mouth was foaming in anger, spit dripping down his neck and chest.
"Now, I was wondering if you could help me." said Barst. "I'm looking for this guy named Sméagol. Do you know of him? I heard he lives in the Misty Mountains somewhere."
But this only served to infuriate the goblin king further. Only two types of visitors ever came into his throne room: Those who brought him gifts and riches, and those who begged him to spare their lives. Lord Barst was neither.
"First you trespass in my mountain, then you insult me, and NOW you want information from me!?" barked the Great Goblin, spit flying out of his mouth in all directions. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?"
Barst decided not to say anything this time. He sternly looked at the two orcs that had accompanied him.
"He's… he's Lord Barst!" said one of the orcs, clearly showing more fear for the name than when he heard it the first time.
Barst grinned. "You heard 'em. I'm Lord Barst. And I want to know if you've heard of Sméagol. Now… we can do this the easy way…"
Barst put his hand on his mace. "Or we can do this the hard way."
The Great Goblin noticed this gesture, but his fury had overpowered any sense of caution. "No, I haven't heard of "Sméagol"! And this is the last time anyone will hear from YOU!"
The goblin king stood up and pointed to Barst, his eyes blazing with rage.
"I want his head on a stake! GUARDS!"
Loud war-cries were heard all around the throne room, echoing into the tunnels, rousing orcs everywhere. The goblin king's guards raised their weapons and rushed at Barst.
Lord Barst grinned and raised his mace. "The hard way it is."
The battle began.
The two guards simultaneously raised their long axes and brought them down upon Barst, but the wards surrounding Barst's body, powered by the magic of his Eldunarí, stopped the axes in their tracks. The two guards gaped in shock.
Barst sneered.
"MY TURN."
The lord raised his mace and swept it horizontally, bashing the two guards at the same time and compressing their bodies like a harmonica. They went flying across the throne room and landed right at the feet of the Great Goblin, who was being evacuated by another pair of orcs.
The sound of many drums echoed in the throne room, and orc soldiers rushed at Barst from all directions.
The Alagaesian warlord raised his mace and brought it down directly on the skull of the first orc, causing his entire head to cave into his chest.
Barst then turned around and swept his mace in a circular motion, mowing down every orc around him like he's cutting down a line of trees. The orcs went flying in all directions, colliding with the wall of the throne room and then dropping down with a thud. A few orcs managed to stab at Barst with their daggers, but his wards prevented any damage from being done. With a swing of his mace, those orcs were shattered like pieces of glass.
Orcs continued to rush at Barst. The Urû'baen general swung his mace like an expert, felling any orc it touched. Severed heads, arms, legs, and broken daggers were flung all over the throne room, belonging to any orc that got too close to Barst.
Orcs poured in from all directions, totally surrounding Barst. There was a brief pause in the battle, like the calm before the storm.
Barst stood in the circle of orcs, his mace raised. Gore and orc blood stained his thick armor, but the warlord showed no signs of fatigue.
"Is that all you got?" Sneered Barst. "Pathetic. I actually expected to break a sweat! You clowns fight worse than the Varden! And I never thought I'd say that..."
The orcs gave out a war-cry and rushed at Barst like a thunderstorm. For a moment, Barst disappeared in the great mass of moving bodies. He seemed to be outmatched by the overwhelming numbers of the orcs.
Then suddenly, orcs were flung in all directions, from the center of the circle outward. The muscular, armored body of Barst reappeared again in the midst of the orcs, smashing his way through the mass of bodies with ease.
The orcs went shrieking in all directions, their retreat fueled by the fear they now had of Lord Barst, and the wrath he brought down upon them.
The Urû'baen war machine continued beasting on the orcs, plowing down anyone foolish enough to stand before him. Soon, the goblin king's throne room was littered with the carcasses of Barst's destruction.
"Running away already, boys? I'm just getting warmed up!" yelled Barst after the retreating groups of orcs, who shuddered at the very sound of his booming voice.
The orcs disappeared into their many tunnels, leaving Barst alone in the throne room. The conquering warlord began laughing.
"Back when I was a kid, those wimpy nerds I always bullied used to tell me, 'Why don't you pick on someone your own size?' But the trouble was, there was never anyone my size! I was always the biggest, strongest kid on the playground. Apparently, that's the case here too. I'm still the biggest kid on the playground. So I guess I'll just continue picking on the wimps!"
Barst started heading for one of the tunnels to look for more orcs to slaughter, but after a couple steps, he stopped dead in his tracks.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
A dull thudding sound echoed through the halls of the Misty Mountains.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
The thuds sounded closer. And closer. Barst thought it sounded like… footsteps.
BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM
The booming footsteps shook the throne room, causing some dirt to fall off the ceiling. Barst realized that the footsteps came from one of the iron gates of the throne room. He turned his attention toward it, readying his mace at the same time.
Something was coming. Something big.
A massive cave troll burst out of the iron gate, smashing it as easily as if it were made of cardboard.
The troll's gaze immediately fell on the man in the center of the room: Lord Barst. The gray-skinned monstrosity roared at Barst, a sound that shook the entire throne room and echoed throughout the many tunnels of the Misty Mountains.
Barst grinned, realizing that for the first time in his life, he was no longer the biggest kid on the playground. He welcomed the challenge this situation presented.
"Now THAT'S more like it." said Barst, and grinned.
The cave troll roared again at Barst, spit flying out of its mouth. It wielded a huge spiked mace in its hands. A mace that was twice the size of Barst's.
Barst gave out a loud war cry and rushed at the troll, his massive opponent doing the same. Man and troll collided in the middle of the throne room, and started doing battle.
The cave troll raised its gigantic mace and brought it down on the Urû'baen general, intending to squash him like a bug. Barst dodged the blow by diving between the cave troll's legs. The troll's mace collided with the floor of the throne room, creating a huge crater where it landed.
Barst quickly reached his feet and turned around, the troll doing the same. Both gladiators raised their maces and swung them towards each other. The weapons collided in mid-air with a loud clash, and locked together in a stalemate.
Barst pushed forward as hard as he could, hoping to overpower the troll, who did the same thing, pushing against its mace. Their weapons continued to be locked together as neither warrior gave in, and the test of strength continued.
The Eldunarí stone inside Barst's chest armor continued to supply him with strength and energy, but the troll's natural strength proved to be a match for even the dragon's magic. Barst knew that the energy within his Eldunarí would not last forever, while the troll's energy would be its own, and would therefore likely last longer.
Barst knew it would be risky to test the limits of his Eldunarí.
The stalemate continued. The cave troll roared at Barst, spit flying from its mouth directly into Barst's eyes, temporarily blinding him. Barst staggered back, loosening his grip on his mace for an instant.
The troll took advantage of this and pushed harder, causing Barst to stagger back again. The troll then swung its mace sideways, hitting Barst directly. The warlord went flying and collided against the wall of the throne room, smashing it. Barst's mace went flying out of his hands as well, landing on the floor quite a large distance away from him.
A blow like that would have killed any normal man, but thankfully the wards surrounding Barst protected his life. However, he could feel the energy of his Eldunarí drop significantly, due to the force of the troll's blow.
Barst realized that without his mace, he was now on the defensive. The troll lumbered toward him and brought its mace down upon him once again, but Barst was able to dodge the blow, only getting hit by the shattered stones that flew from where the troll's mace landed.
Barst spotted his mace and ran toward it, but before he could get there, the troll stepped between him and the mace.
"You big ugly bastard" said the now-angered warlord. "You're gonna pay for that. Never… EVER get between me and my mace."
The troll twisted its hideous mouth sideways in what Barst thought was supposed to be a grin.
"Fine" shrugged Barst. "Then I'll just have to do this the old-fashioned way: WITH MY FISTS."
Barst surprised the troll with a sudden burst of speed, and landed a punch directly on the troll's jaw, causing the gray monstrosity to stagger back.
This action angered the troll greatly, and with a roar, the giant brute swung its spiked mace at Barst again. But because Barst didn't have his mace, he was lighter and therefore quicker, so he dodged the blow with ease and punched the troll again.
Barst went on the attack now, punching the troll again and again in its ribs, boxing it backward. The troll's tree trunk legs touched a pile of orc bodies that were slain by Barst, causing it to trip over the pile and fall onto its back. When it fell, the weight of the troll's body made the entire room shake.
With the cave troll now off its feet for the first time in the fight, Barst made a dash towards his mace again.
But the troll grabbed one of Barst's legs with its giant gray hand, jerking the warlord off his feet. Barst fell on the floor with a hard thud, his senses rattled for a moment. The troll got to its feet and tried to stomp Barst with its huge foot, but Barst quickly rolled sideways, dodging the stomp.
The gray giant raised its mace and brought it down toward Barst, who was able to roll sideways and dodge the blow again while the troll's mace smashed the floor completely.
Barst's hand touched something solid. It was the large stone. Barst closed his fingers around the stone and threw it at the troll's face, hitting it directly in the eyes and temporarily blinding it much like the troll's spit had blinded Barst earlier.
Realizing that could be his only opportunity to turn the fight in his favor, Barst went on the offensive again, getting near the troll and boxing it several times in the ribs. The troll tried to swat Barst away with one arm, but its accuracy was off and Barst was able to duck under the troll's arm, and punch it again.
Barst then pulled a new trick out of his sleeve. He jumped up and headbutted the troll directly in its forehead, the impact of the move being strengthened by Barst's hard metal helmet. The troll took a step back, but its thick skull meant that Barst's headbutt hadn't done much damage.
The troll snarled and headbutted Barst right back. The Urû'baen general staggered back more than the troll did, but his wards protected him from any further damage.
Barst tried to punch the troll again, but the troll saw it coming this time, and expertly blocked the punch by bringing up its giant forearm. The troll then brought its gigantic mace down on Barst, scoring a direct hit on the warlord!
Barst felt extremely lightheaded for an instant. He felt the strength of his wards drop significantly.
Barst wasn't sure his wards would hold up to another direct hit from the troll's mace.
Out of the corner of his eye, Barst noticed his mace laying on the ground mere inches away from him. Apparently he had rolled near it without noticing…
It was time to end this.
The proud Urû'baen warlord stood up to his full height and looked the cave troll right in its large black eyes. The troll snarled at Barst, irritated by the fact that this mere man had been able to fight so long against a troll by himself, something which was unheard of in Middle-Earth.
"You wanna finish me? Go ahead, finish me! yelled Barst at the troll. "But I SWEAR upon my father's grave… that if you take ONE more step, it will be the last step you ever take. And I will smite you where you stand."
Overcome with rage, the troll roared at Barst. It took a step forward and raised its gigantic mace, attempting to land the finishing blow of the fight and splatter this arrogant human's guts all over the throne room.
Barst kicked the troll in the groin.
With a painful howl, the troll fell to its knees, the mace dropping from its hands.
The lord of Urû'baen reached down to grab his own mace, swung it high, and bashed the cave troll directly on its skull. The troll went limp and collapsed like a sack of potatoes, shaking the throne room when it landed on the floor.
Barst took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.
The fight was over. He had won.
"They told me to pick on someone my own size, and I picked on someone twice my size. What's next?" Barst said jokingly, once again thinking back to his schoolyard days.
Barst brushed some dirt off his armor and started walking toward one of the tunnels. He still intended to see his mission through and find Sméagol. Wherever he was.
Suddenly, a rumble was heard from somewhere in the tunnel up ahead. It sounded like the coming of an earthquake.
THREE cave trolls burst out of the tunnel in front of Barst and roared at him.
Barst turned pale.
"Well... shit."
Barst turned around and ran like hell.
The 3 trolls pursued him. Rumbling down the throne room with footsteps that shook every wall and stone in sight, the monsters became even more enraged when they saw the dead body of their fellow troll.
Barst picked the smallest-looking tunnel he could see up ahead, and ran into it, hoping the trolls would not be able to follow him here. Much to his disappointment however, as soon as he went into the tunnel, Barst saw that it opened up into another large room.
The trolls burst through the tunnel's entrance with ease, and lumbered after Barst, who continued his retreat, hoping to find some small space where the trolls could not reach him. But he had no luck.
The trolls would be upon him soon, and Barst had a feeling that it would not be a merry gathering.
Suddenly, everything went white.
The strange flash of light was gone as quickly as it had come. Barst heard a dull rumble from somewhere up above. He looked upwards.
An avalanche of stones came crashing down from the ceiling, falling directly on top of the three trolls. An entire part of the ceiling seemed to crumble and fall down on the unfortunate brutes that were below it. Soon, the trolls were buried under tons of rock and dirt. They were no more.
Barst looked upon this scene with a mix of shock and wonder. The ceiling had only collapsed where the trolls had been. No stones had fallen on any other part of the room, or where Barst was.
Barst looked down at his chest.
Saruman's amulet was glowing.