Chapter 3: The Dreaded Cousin (Part 1)
Elizabeth lifted her teacup to her lips, enjoying the warm herbal taste. Jane had not yet made an appearance at the breakfast table. She had been out of bed when she left their room however and was just finishing dressing, assuring her that she would be down momentarily. Her health had vastly improved over the last several days, and Elizabeth caught herself smirking whenever she considered Darcy had been incorrect in his assessment of her.
She still did not know what to make of the man. His warrior skills were praised, and justly so. And she could not deny his handsome appearance had won her over, but his treatment of those around him was quite unforgivable. This fact alone was enough to trump all her other feelings and possible regard toward him and instead replace it with complete and utter loathing.
"It seems there is to be an addition to our party for dinner," her father said suddenly from his place at the head of the table.
Elizabeth was about to turn a questioning glance upon her father when Jane walked into the room. She gracefully crossed the room to take her seat next to Elizabeth.
"It would appear your health is fully restored," he said to his eldest daughter upon noticing her presence.
"Quite recovered, Papa," responded Jane, all smiles. Elizabeth beamed back at her sister, quite content now that the worst was over.
"I know of no one who is coming," chirped their mother from across the table, anxious to return to the topic at hand.
"The person of whom I speak," responded their father while buttering a slice of bread, "is a certain gentleman."
Elizabeth watched as he quickly took a bite, knowing her mother would begin peppering him with questions. He offered a wry smile in Elizabeth's direction and she released a discrete chuckle. He did love torturing her mother so.
"Who is the gentleman?" inquired her mother in annoyance. She placed down her fork and leaned over the table as if getting closer would help him chew faster.
"My dear," said papa after several moments, "I believe you really mean to inquire after his marital status and fortune. I assure you he is both single and of means. We shall all meet him tonight. Now if you excuse me, I have business affairs that seek my attention."
With that, he promptly rose and fled the room, while their mother continued throwing questions towards his retreating figure. Once he was out of sight, she then turned her attention towards Elizabeth and her sisters. Sighing, Elizabeth knew they were all in for a long day.
Elizabeth had been reading in the parlor when Lydia and Kitty scrambled in announcing that the mysterious man had arrived. Grabbing her hand, the three sisters rushed into the hallway and took turns peeking through they keyhole to spy on their guest, giggling all the while.
"Who is it?!" asked Elizabeth, pushing Lydia out of the way to have a turn. "What is that odious man doing?" she inquired upon seeing him running his hands on table counters and bookshelves. He was surprising lean and tall. He was dressed somewhat fashionably and held himself as if he were of a higher status than he actually was.
"He is perusing his future property," responded their father suddenly from behind them.
The girls turned around and dropped their smiles upon seeing his stern expression. He shook his head, mocking their silliness, and when a glint of humor showed in his eyes the three girls fell into another fit of laughter.
"This estate must by law pass onto a male heir," he explained when they had calmed down. "Now that odious man, Mr. Collins, may, the moment I am dead, toss you all out of this house at his pleasure."
Elizabeth looked questioningly at her father and sisters. So this was the man who was to inherit everything. No doubt their mother had already heard the news and was hoping he would select one of them to marry. Oh the thought!
They then made their way into the dining room to join Jane and their mother while their father retrieved their cousin.
"Parson Collins at your service," he said, upon entering the dining room with their father. Throwing one foot in front of the other he ushered a dramatically low bow. He took his seat and, after offering a rather long blessing, they all began eating their dinner. After the first bite their cousin moaned rather loudly and closed his eyes in delight.
"Tell me," he asked with too much adulation, "to which of my fair cousins do I owe the compliments of the excellent, and, I repeat, excellent cooking?"
"My daughters are trained for battle, sir, not the kitchen," responded their father sternly, before taking a sip of port. Elizabeth could tell he already wished to be rid of the gentleman.
"Right, Mr. Bennet," said Collins. He then decided upon a different topic of conversation. "My patroness is not only the King's richest subject, but the deadliest. Singularly dedicated to the annihilation of the undead. I assume you have all heard of Lady Catherine de Bourgh."
Elizabeth had read many books on the great woman. She had been introduced to her mastery during her own training in China and rumor was she had killed more undead than any other throughout the country. She had since aspired to be as deadly, if not more so, with a sword than she.
"She's the most deadly swordswoman in all of Great Britain," said Elizabeth in amazement, shocked that such a man had weaseled his way into her company.
"With the agility of a black panther," added Parson Collins, grinning. "My humble abode abuts her Ladyship's estate, Rosings Park."
His haughty expression did not go unnoticed. Elizabeth wondered how often he even was in her company.
"She ever marry?" asked Elizabeth, wanting to both know more about this illustrious woman and test her cousin in all his infinite wisdom.
"Widowed, sadly," he said. "She has one daughter, Anne, who is unfortunately of a sickly constitution."
"Has Anne been presented?" asked her mother, no doubt wishing to be involved more in the conversation.
"No. No, Mrs. Bennet," he responded in exaggerated astoundedness. "Her ill health prevents it. I told Lady Catherine that court has been deprived of its brightest ornament. I have a talent you see of delivering these very delicate compliments with an unstudied air. "
Elizabeth couldn't help but join her sisters in a quick laugh at their cousin's expense. She certainly had another term for these "delicate compliments" he spoke of. How could one be so ignorant of their lack of civility?
"It seems that all you lack now," inquired their mother abruptly, "is a wife."
"I must confess, Mrs. Bennet," he responded, glancing around, "the fairest wifely choices may be right here in this room."
With that, Parson Collins tapped his glass and stood. After fixing his jacket he loudly stated, "I declare, that I am enchanted by your daughter Jane and request to speak to her alone, if I may."
Elizabeth looked over at Jane in shock, trying to suppress both the horror and humor of the situation. Her poor sister was frozen in astonishment- her eyes huge and her spoon frozen in the air mid bite.
"Oh dear Parson!" their mother jumped in, "I'm afraid Jane is already spoken for, we expect a serious proposal imminently."
"Oh fuddle!" their cousin responded, disappointment clouding his face.
"But Liz is quite available, and almost as fair as Jane," their mother swiftly advised.
Now it was her time to be astonished. Elizabeth looked over at her mom, throwing her an angered, questioning look. How could she be tied down to such a man?
"Is there absolutely no negotiating over Jane?" he persisted.
"The early bird catches the worm, Mr. Collins," Mrs. Bennet responded with a coy smile. Elizabeth didn't doubt that her mind was filled with visions of her and Collins and Jane and Bingley at the altar.
"No indeed…" Parson Collins said dejectedly.
"Be mindful of your talent for delicate compliments, sir," suggested her father quietly towards the gentleman. Elizabeth knew he was saying this only for her benefit, but Collins' words still stung.
"Oh! No, yeah, why yes," fumbled Mr. Collins, "she is almost as fair as the other one… Splendid."
He shot her a creepy smile before sitting down to finish his meal, staring at her during the duration of the meal
Elizabeth had never been more mortified in her entire life. Granted she was used to her mother stating that Jane was the beauty of the family, but to have this man deliberately offend her in front of the entire family was more than she could bear. She knew the future of her family lay on the shoulders of this socially awkward man and for that reason alone she held her tongue. Otherwise assuredly she would have retrieved her katana and slain him where he stood, for the warrior code required her to preserve her honor. Avoiding direct eye contact, she sat staring at her untouched food until deemed appropriate for her appetite had fled along with her dignity.
"Thank you ladies, settle down," said Parson Collins he following day. After breakfast her mother and cousin had trapped her, Mary, and Jane in the breakfast room, declaring Mr. Collins had special amusement planned for them. She now sat next to Jane on a couch in one of the parlors, contemplating if she had any means of escape or alternate amusement. Already she was dreading what was to come.
"Now," began her cousin, "I thought this morning I might read to you from Fordyce's Sermons to Young Women."
"What a treat!" their mother said enthusiastically. Elizabeth discretely rolled her eyes after her mother looked away.
"Chapter one. The home..." he began reading, his spectacles sitting low on his nose.
The door suddenly burst open and Lydia and Kitty entered. "We're walking to Meryton to visit Aunt Philips," Lydia declared.
"So long as Jane and Lizzy are willing to accompany you," said their father from his seat behind Jane. Elizabeth had never loved him more.
"We most certainly are!" shouted Elizabeth, grasping Jane's hand and making for the door. She shot her father a grateful look for providing her with a means of escape.
"And Mr. Collins, of course!" added their mother before the girls could flee the rom.
"Oh, well I should be delighted," said Parson Collins, "but only if Mr. Bennet will consent to release me from my reading."
"With a heavy heart, sir," her father responded. She did not blame her father for wishing to be rid of his company. But being outside with Mr. Collins was far more preferred than being inside with him for there were more means of escape.
"Mr. Bennet, I am susceptible to flattery and you, sir, are very charming," Collins said, placing his book down and walking towards the door. "Come along ladies!"
Elizabeth and her sisters grabbed their katanas, muskets, and overcoats before meeting their cousin outside. Mary had insisted upon staying home to read, so they wished to be prepared should they run into any unmentionables as they were down one sister.
Taking her usual place at the front, Elizabeth set a brisk pace towards Meryton. The air was crisp and a light breeze blew through the trees. Shielding her face from the sun, she led them towards the path that ran through the heart of Meryton.
Collins prattled on about Lady Catherine, her daughter and estate during the first half of their journey.
"Her Ladyship is quite fond of music. Although she doesn't play herself, she often has professional musicians visit to perform private concerts. I myself have been invited on many occasions to take part in these particular entertainments. The last musician delighted her Ladyship with the most beautiful of compositions. Her ladyship smiled and stated that they should play for the King himself one day. Speaking of His Majesty, most of the time Lady Catherine can be found corresponding with him directly. I have often told her that her ideas in combatting the scourge are quite brilliant actually. She was in the middle of writing a letter to his Highness just the other day when she turned to me and said, 'Parson Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry.' And here is am."
He waived his hand majestically in the air and offered an awkward smile to each of his cousins. Elizabeth promptly ignored him, keeping her gaze fixed on the path ahead.
"Miss Elizabeth," her cousin suddenly said addressing her, "how charming you look today." He approached her left side and placed a hand on her back or several moments. Elizabeth stiffened. "Let's look in the shop windows of Meryton and we can buy some new pots and pans, take the place of your swords and daggers."
He then threw her a doting glance and grasped her left hand with his right. She quickly swatted his hand away and fisted her hands, hoping he would get the hint.
Her mother would insist that he join them on their outing to their aunt's home. If they did run into undead he would be perfectly helpless. Perhaps that would be best though for he would then be dead and she would then not be subjected to his insensible self. But what if the next inheritor of Longbourn was worse than Parson Collins? Elizabeth sighed.
They walked several paces more before she heard a banging. She halted in place and her sisters quickly followed suit.
"Oh!" declared Collins, "Is there some sort of trouble?"
Elizabeth glanced back at her sisters and they all unsheathed their katanas.
"Oh, it appears there is…" said their cousin in a way that indicated it was more bothersome to him than his female companions.
The girls rounded the pathway and approached the edge of the forest. An overturned carriage lay on its side. The horses had fled and there were no signs of life apart from someone shouting within the cart and the banging upon the dark wooden door.
"Penny McGregor's carriage!" stated Jane in shock. "Someone's trapped inside!"
Jane immediately made for the carriage. Elizabeth anticipated her sister's move for she was the gentlest of all her sisters and would be concerned for the kind candlestick seller of Meryton. Penny and Jane had formulated a sort of friendship and met for afternoon tea on occasion after originally discovering their shared preference for beeswax candles over any other.
"Jane!" Elizabeth shouted in warning as she freed her musket from its place on her shoulder. She knew it could be a trap and silently begged Jane not to take a step closer. Her sisters soon raised their muskets as well. Kitty and Lydia pointed towards the carriage door also as the banging intensified.
Elizabeth could hear her cousin sniveling behind her, and she wondered how she could possibly be tied to such a booby for the rest of her life.
With a final loud cry for help, the banging ceased and the forest was silent. The door was suddenly flung open with a bang and an undead Penny emerged.
"There was a horrible accident," Penny said, stepping out of the carriage and making towards Jane. "But I survived! I survived Janie!"
"Not in the traditional sense of the word," responded Jane calmly. Penny was two feet from Jane when Elizabeth targeted Penny's head in the sight on her musket and pulled the trigger. Her head exploded in the air, and Jane promptly kicked her decapitated body down into the ravine nest to the carriage.
Elizabeth watched the body as it fell and she noticed a dead deer hidden in the grass, its intestines spilling from its stomach, as well as Penny 's dead brother, his brains thoroughly eaten by his undead sister.
"It appears Miss McGregor wont be delivering any more lamp oil," piped up a surprisingly cheery Mr. Collins. "I must confess I was unaware that zombies possessed the acquired acuity to set such traps. Before we know, they will be running for Parliament!" He then made for the path once more and urged the ladies to follow him.
Elizabeth made towards Jane, who was still fixed in place. Putting her hand gently on her arm she inquired if she was all right. Jane smiled at her before quickly glancing back at the scene and crossing herself. Elizabeth followed suit and they both continued on, walking behind their younger sisters and cousin.
"Have I mentioned how delectable the scones are at Rosings Park?" she could hear her cousin telling Jane some time later.
Kitty and Lydia had taken to the front of the group, and Jane walked alongside Parson Collins. Elizabeth was left alone to bring up the rear.
"So fluffy it's like eating a puff of air" he continued. "Is your aunt an accomplished baker?"
She ignored the rest of his dialogue. He had been prattling on since the incident, and Elizabeth would have taken it as his way of expressing his remaining distress, but knew better. It was just him.
Both Kitty and Lydia had relinquished their muskets to Elizabeth and she now held their bulky weapons in her arms while hers swung lightly over her shoulder. She tried to take her time, not wanting to catch up to her cousin and because of the additional burden she now possessed.
"Come on, Elizabeth, we mustn't dawdle!" Collins crowed at her. "We can't be late!"
Elizabeth was too fixated on the green leaves in the trees above to realize her musket was slipping from her grasp. The strap fell to her elbow and pulled her arm down, releasing the other two from her grasp. Bending over, she tried to seize the weapons from the ground.
"Miss Bennet!" she suddenly heard her cousin say, rushing over to assist her.
"Thank you, Mr. Collins," said Elizabeth, shocked that he would offer to help carry them for her.
"Allow me," he said, his arms reaching under the muskets as he helped replace them in her outstretched arms. He then took the strap of her weapon and fixated it once more upon her shoulder. Stepping back to admire his achievement, he smiled brilliantly and said, "Gallantry isn't dead," before walking away and urging her along once more.
For the first time in her life, Elizabeth was without words.