Chapter 3.
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be- Sara bareilles (Between the lines)
...
Paula found herself staring into the eyes of a beautiful intimidating woman on Harvey's door's step. Classy as always and she had a scowl on her face which quickly turned to surprise. Then she sized her up and down and quickly covered it as she stretched out her hand to greet her.
"Dr Agart, what a surprise to find you here. Is Harvey in by any chance?"
Paula had always admired this lady, but she could see that somehow it wasn't reciprocated. She did not approve.
"Mrs Pierson, um…it's a pleasure to meet you again. Please come in." She invited.
Jessica walked in as Harvey was just coming from the kitchen. He paused in his tracks.
"Jessica. To what do I owe the pleasant surprise?"
"I was just in the neighborhood." She said the lame excuse with a raised eyebrow.
Harvey let it pass. He didn't know why he felt a little unsettled about Jessica finding out like this.
"I'm not staying Harvey, I just wanted to talk to you about something. Can you walk me out?" She said
Harvey just nodded and walked with her outside. She nodded politely to Paula before she exited.
Paula hung her head. Obviously, Jessica was a Donna fan. Well, she was the one with Harvey now, not Donna. That's all that mattered right now. She told Harvey she was not going to be intimidated by the other women he cared about. She was also not going to be intimidated by what those women and the other people in Harvey's life thought about her and Harvey's relationship.
Outside, Jessica just regarded Harvey for a minute without saying anything.
Harvey rolled his eyes, "Don't start with that Jessica."
"I didn't say anything Harvey. I try very hard to stay out of your personal business."
"Oh, but your eyes are saying a lot without you saying a word."
"Ok, then I am going to come right out and say it. Do you think this is a good idea?"
"She's no longer my Doctor Jessica."
"And we both know that's not what we're talking about."
Harvey swallowed convulsively, he knew where this was going, and he was not a fan.
"Ok, Jessica, what are we talking about?" He asked just to be clear.
"Donna."
"What about Donna?" Harvey asked
"Does she know about this?"
"Why should she know about this? Its none of her business."
"Oh, ok. Just remember to keep your shit together when this all blows up in your face. I think its time you face up to whatever childhood issues you've got Harvey and get your life together. Because you are now CEO of a large Firm and it wouldn't look good for you to fall apart like before just because something blew over with Donna. Just saying."
Harvey just looked away, feeling his temper rising. "I'm pretty sure you did not fly all the way here to give me relationship advise."
"Right, well Malick and his bogus suit. How about we talk about that?"
…...
I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence
...
Donna sat on her kitchen table sipping a third glass of scotch. She remembered the time just two days ago when she had planned to go to Harvey's, so they could catch up on their friendship as she had been feeling that it was going a little sour. She had put it off for drinks with Rachel instead. She knew now that she had been scared of confronting Harvey about what was going on in their relationship. She had been scared that maybe it wasn't just work that was making him behave the way he was behaving. So distant. She had been scared to find out. And now she knew why. Harvey was in a relationship with his Therapist. She had not seen that coming. At least if she had she would have known how to block the blow, at least enough to not make it hurt so bad.
He had sat there across from her desk and she had smiled at him in welcome. She had missed him, and she told him so. He looked uncomfortable, the way he did when he had something important to tell her. Important meaning something he wasn't very comfortable talking to her about. She waited for it.
"Donna there's something I need to tell you." He started.
"Yeah, sure what is it?" she had asked, curious
"I am seeing someone, Paula Agart."
For the life of her she never would have guessed that. The air just went out of her lungs and she forgot to breathe for a moment. She couldn't think. So, she smiled.
"I knew that." She said, and did what she did best. Cover.
Boy, did she know how to cover her feelings. She could not believe how well she played that part, pretending that she was ok with what she had just heard while all the while her senses were screaming.
How could he though? How could he?
Now she sat here pondering it all. It felt like a betrayal. Unreasonable of her to think that way yeah, but a betrayal still. She had spent all this time, all these years putting Harvey first and yeah, she regretted it. She regretted putting Harvey before herself. Because this was the last straw. She felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath her feet and now she had nothing holding her up. This was different from when Harvey had been with other women. Because all that time they had both been pretending to be unconcerned about the other. It was never out in the open but now…now after the recent events. They had all but told each other how they felt. Harvey had told her he loved her and up until now that statement had not yet been clarified. He had had to seek out a therapist because she left him to work for Louis. Somehow because of that she had thought she could relax in the knowledge of his love for her, or at least what she had believed was his love for her. She had waited, thinking that Harvey's issue was with the saying out of the words. And she had been willing to wait for him to come to terms with his feelings and come and sweep her off her feet. She had thought the therapy would help him come to terms with his feelings for her just like it helped him with his feelings for his mother. They had become close the past year that she though it was only a matter of time, she had only to be patient.
And then he had gone and run off with another woman. The woman who she was believing to be helping him with his issues with his feels for her. Yeah it was a betrayal. She had set with Paula at one point and they had both agreed that Harvey didn't know what he was missing regarding Donna. She had never expected that same therapist to be the one to…And right under her nose like that. And Harvey, God this time he had managed to hurt her. She had felt like a dropped potato. Suddenly she was calling Mark, trying to find someone so that she could be with someone, anyone. She felt lonely for the first time in as long as she could remember. She had always had Harvey, but now she didn't.
Putting her life into sudden turmoil. She was making decisions without thinking them through, meeting up with a married man in a hotel. Things she never would have done. Thank God, she hadn't gone through with that mistake.
She'd lost him, she'd lost her best friend, her soulmate. And if she continued to hold her head up high, keeping her back straight, pretending that she wasn't cracking she was going to crumble into a hip in no time. But one more time. Just one more time. Tomorrow was an important day. She might probably be put on the stand and she had to have all her strength intact. She can put some band aids and cover up the cracks for now. Just to get through tomorrow. She just had to get through tomorrow. She won't cry. Not tonight. She'll cry tomorrow. Tomorrow in the privacy of her apartment, she'll come undone. Tomorrow.
….
Mike thought he had Malick in court. He had him, but the guy was smart and crooked alright. Now he had got him to admit about one scandal while leaving Donna open for another. The Coastal Motors documents that she shredded years ago. And how the hell did he come to know about that? The guy was calling Donna to the stand anyway and there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it. They had thought they had it covered. Louis had brought up a very legitimate claim for Donna not to be put on the stand, only it covered just one scandal. The guy seemed to be a step ahead of them all the time. He could see what it was doing to Donna having all that history drenched up again. He was there on that mock trial when Louis had done it many years ago. Now here they were again. And with the whole thing about Paula and Harvey it wasn't easy, he could see that. And he felt helpless as he saw her being humiliated on the stand like that again.
And Harvey didn't look any better. He could see what it was all doing to him too. What was the deal anyway? Anyone could see how much Harvey cared about Donna.
"Because she's different!"
He'd yelled at Mike during that case. Why was he dating Paula now after everything that had happened between him and Donna? Of course, he didn't know about them ever getting intimate, but they were so much more than any intimate coupe he had ever seen. They were running away from each other for sure. And right now, Harvey was the one running scared and blind. He had to know. Rachel would know for sure if there ever was anything at all between them, which as a perfectly normal observant human being he knew there was, he had to know. So, he can stop his friend, a man who had become like a big brother to him, from making a mistake he was going to regret for the rest of his life. All because of some inherent fear of being left behind. Some childhood trauma that shouldn't have such a hold on him still.
….
It had been gruelling and brutal and she felt drained. She was being blindsided a lot these days. She had not expected to be put on the stand today. And to have her integrity questioned like that, her reputation dragged trough the mud like that. As much as she was angry with Malick she was also angry with Harvey, because he had not protected her this time. And it was because of him that anything to do with her carrier achievement was tainted. It was unreasonable but yeah, she felt that way. In a way she kind of got why Harvey was so against the two of them being together. Anything carrier wise would be questioned, and undermined. Like what happened today. She got that.
She was also angry with Louis, he did not prepare her. He flat out refused to prepare her and now she had been blindsided like that. She was so mad at Malick, so mad at him for doing that to her. To think that she was the one person who used to give him the time of day when they were still at the DA's office.
Most of all she was angry with herself. She had to go through all that and for what? She had nothing, no Harvey. But she was still suffering for him.
She did regret it. Putting Harvey before herself. Mark would have married her, he had loved her. But she had loved Harvey, and had let Mark go because of him. He had gone off and married some other woman. And she had lost all. But hey, she did get a stella reputation out of it didn't she?
She could feel the cracks in her amour widening but she had to keep it together. Just a few more hours. She'll hold on for just a few more hours.
Right now, she had to get Malick, and she had to go see that woman. And she had yelled at Louis, and she was so not in a good head space right now.
Then Mike had to come and say something totally unexpected and unsettling to her. She had to work extra hard to stay cool and not give away anything.
"Tell Harvey how you feel."
"What?" she had been shocked. What did he mean? Then he told her that Rachel had told him about her and Harvey sleeping together those many years ago.
"And if I let you lose something that might make you as happy as we are and didn't say something I would never forgive myself."
"Mike, I appreciate where your heart is, but two people have to want to be together to be happy and Harvey and I don't wanna be together."
She really did try to get through to Mike on that one, and to make him believe it. She was an actress after all. Well, one thing was true, she might want to be with Harvey, but he certainly didn't want to be with her. So, she will believe that. And she will try and be happy for his happiness. He was her best friend. She'll let it go and move on. She had to try.
She was brooding sitting looking out her window in her office at the stars outside. It was a beautiful night.
Then Louis came in and gave her that horrible speech about soulmates and threw her new found resolve about being happy for Harvey out the window. And now she wasn't so sure. What if she was letting go of the best thing in her life just because she can put up a front like a pro. What if he was her soulmate? What if? What if? What the freaking if?!
….
This day could possibly not get any worse for Harvey. Donna had been put on the stand by that moron and humiliated on that stand. And ever since then it had been a race against time to get that bastard and they did it. Finally. Only to have him come back and say that now he was coming after Jessica. He could kill the bastard.
And now Jessica was pressuring him to take her name off the wall and he was not comfortable with that. Not even to save the Firm's reputation if Malick managed to have her disbarred. He needed Donna. He needed her to tell him what to do. And where the hell was Louis anyway? This was an all hands on deck kind of situation. He needed his team with him right now. He fumed as he walked to Donna's office searching for her.
"Oh, good. You're here. Because Louise is..." he said in relief at finding her as he was walking into Donna 's office, his mind intent on getting Jessica off the hook. He didn't even see it coming. From the little he could remember he thinks it started when he saw Donna walk towards him with that look. That's when his brain started getting numb. Then she put her arms around him and kissed him. And his brain shut down.
He had never been kissed like that before. He had never wanted to feel like that.
The reason Harvey Specter was the best close in the City was because he knew how to pick his fights. He'd weigh out the risks and ascertain whether he could come out of the fight with just bruises or with some more severe permanent brain damages. Or dead even.
He was the guy who knew what risks to take and what not to risk. He would know not to touch it within a ten inch pole.
He settled. He was good at it. He never went to trial if he could avoid it. That's why he was the best. His clients knew they could always get a good settlement offer without having to leave their fates to a Jury. He hated not having control of his destiny. If he could avoid it he would settle. That way he would get what he wanted on his terms. Or at least what he could live with. And that was how he also conducted his life. He never went to trial. He settled. And he was good with it.
Now though, now he was being subpoenaed. And he could not take this case to trial. He had been avoiding it for so long that he had thought he had worked out a settlement for himself that he could live with. He stayed safe while he could still have a normal relationship with a woman he actually liked. While the most important person in his life, Donna, stayed safe beside him. His sacred relationship with Donna stayed intact. It was a good deal. Everything stayed the same in his life. It was the perfect case of having your cake and eating it too. Everyone got what they wanted. Everyone was happy. Right?
Donna got her promotion and she gets to stay by his side. He had Paula, a woman he liked and can totally make a life with.
And now he was being forced to go to trial. He had been subpoenaed. That kiss had rendered him useless, as he had always known it would with Donna. Reason why he avoided that fight with his life. That was one fight he knew he could never win. One fight he had to avoid at all costs because that was one fight he would come out of with not just bruises. Best case scenario was some permanent cardiac and brain damages, if it didn't kill him first that is. But now Donna had crossed the line, and he had no choice but to face up to it. Or run. Because he couldn't go there. He couldn't lose Donna.
He remembered that wonderful dream turned nightmare where Donna brought him a cup of coffee in bed.
"This is the best cup of coffee I've ever had." It tasted like heaven. Even in his dreams.
And she had smiled, "Told you it would be worth the wait."
Then it quickly turned into a nightmare when she said now that they were a couple she wouldn't work for him anymore. He had woke up so fast, sweating. It was amazing even to him how the idea of her leaving him in any way could make him breakout in a sweat like that. Even in a dream.
He couldn't lose her. He just couldn't and, so he couldn't go there. Ever.
He could risk any relationship but not his with Donna. He wouldn't know how to breathe right. He wouldn't want to imagine it. He couldn't risk it over anything. Anything.
Last time he had a dagger hung over him like that he had run to Paula. Then when he had told Donna about Paula he had gone and gave Paula a key to his house. He had never done that with any woman. Now that the dagger was hanging this close it was certainly going to kill him if he didn't move quickly. What was his next move?
...
Hope you like. See you in a bit.