Over the next two days, I spent as much time as I could at Jake's. Charlie was suspicious at first, but then he softened when I told him the lie that Jake needed me to help him out. Billy was more than content to let me take care of his son, glad for the break in monotony of Jake's pain and boredom. We kept busy, though, with as much as we could: I brought over a deck of cards and any automotive magazines that I could find. He loved the magazines, and when he read through them all, we played cards throughout the day. At night, we slept, curled into each other as best we could around the various braces that covered his body. I could see how happy he was, despite his pain, because I was there, and that was enough for him.
Edward was, admittedly, much more difficult to avoid. I tried to call him when Jake was asleep, either napping during the day or sleeping heavily at night, explaining in hushed tones that, no, I wouldn't be home for another day. He grew angrier and angrier, despite my careful pleading. He could tell that something was wrong, and he was upset that I wasn't being honest with him. I couldn't possibly tell him over the phone, though, and I wanted to tell him when I was ready.
The pain of losing him was expansive, spanning my entire brain. When I thought about telling him, it would swallow me, take me under, engulf me in swirling coils of dread. When I was with Jacob, the dread calmed, endless but still. But, if I had to leave Jacob's side for even a minute, I could feel the panic begin to overwhelm me, and it was all I could do to not crumple to the ground and succumb to the agony.
I thought of his beautiful face, twisted with anger at me for avoiding him. I thought of Alice, wonderful little Alice, and how upset she must be with me for hanging up on her and, consequently, ignoring her constant string of texts. I thought of Esme, her beautiful warm face, how disappointed she will be in me. And I thought of Carlisle, of what he had said to me, of the look in his eyes before he drove away. I was consumed with grief and loss. But at least I had Jacob to make me whole again.
On the third day, Carlisle returned. I was back at Charlie's preparing his breakfast, trying to make up for the missed dinners, when Jake called. His happiness was contagious, as he was finally going to be allowed to leave the house. I finished breakfast in a hurry, wanting to get to his house as soon as possible.
When I drove up in my wheezing truck, I saw him standing, for the first time in days, leaning against the door frame with the front door open wide with just a large black brace on his right arm. He grinned when he saw me pull up, and he walked carefully over to my door. I got out to meet him, not wanting him to walk too far. He scooped me up into a tight hug, holding me long enough to put the broken pieces of myself back together. I never wanted him to let go.
"I haven't been able to hug you since we were in the clearing," he said softly, burying his face into my hair. "I missed holding you." I sighed, pressing into him. He was strong, able.
"Did Carlisle say it was all right for you to leave the house?" I asked. He chuckled, his chest rumbling against my ear.
"He said I could walk, emphasis on the walk, around," he corrected. "Dr. Vamp said no running or phasing for another week or so." I broke away from him so that I could see his face. He was glowing.
"Well, I guess we'll just have to keep that temper of yours in check," I teased, smiling. He shook his head, grabbing my hand. He led me, very slowly compared to his normal pace, down to the beach. We were quiet, walking along amongst the rocks. It was a comfortable silence, one of knowing someone so well and one of ease.
"How are you feeling?" I asked. I glanced at the brace around his elbow, holding his arm straight. He shrugged.
"I feel a lot better than before," he said, swinging my hand a little. "I'm just glad I could get out of that house! I was starting to get cabin fever in there!" I laughed, light and happy. The sound surprised me, pushing into my empty crevices, filling me.
We walked all the way to Emily's, the same walk that I had made a few days before. She was there with Sam and almost the entire pack, with just Leah missing. The boys were elated, jumping around with huge grins stretching across their copper skin, pushing Jake for information on when he could finally run with them again. He was in a great mood, surrounded by his brothers again. He held my hand tightly, not letting me go. I felt like part of a family, my La Push family.
It didn't take long for one of them to notice my hand in Jacob's, as Seth stared at me with an odd expression. I smiled back, trying to look comfortable and calm. He cocked his head to the side and stared.
"What about Edward?" he asked. Suddenly, all conversation stopped. Everyone turned to look at me, their eyes falling to my hand in Jake's massive grip. Jake squeezed my hand, comforting me; he knew I hated attention. I looked down at my feet, embarrassed. Jake, though, was buzzing with happiness, and his fingers twitched around mine.
"She's a wolf girl now," he said, beaming at Seth. The boys all grinned again, and then the questions started, shouting and yelling and whistling. Everyone was talking amongst each other, except for Seth. He stood in front of me, so young, and took my other hand. He smiled.
"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly. I returned his smile. After what had happened in the clearing, I knew he would be happy to have me as part of the wolves.
"You know you're going to have to tell him," Jake said, eyeing me. We had wandered back down to the beach, finding our familiar white tree and sitting together, his arm around me, my head nestled into his shoulder. I had my phone in my hand, turning it around and around absently, watching the waves. I looked down at it, gripping it so tight that my knuckles turned white.
"I'm not ready," I said, almost imperceptibly. He looked back out at the water. It was an overcast day, but it wasn't raining. The water was cold and grey under the clouds.
"Would it help if I was there?" he asked. I blanched, shaking my head so fast that I felt my brain rattling around. I tried to rein in my alarm.
"Absolutely not," I managed, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth. "I can't imagine what he would do to you." Jake laughed, the loud sound bouncing around the quiet beach. He rubbed my waist, where his hand was sitting.
"I'd love to see him try and hit me," he said mockingly.
"I wouldn't!" I almost screamed at him. "The last thing that I want is a fight when you're already hurt!" Jake rolled his eyes.
"I'm fine," he complained, but when I looked pointedly at his brace, he pursed his lips together.
"I don't want you going anywhere near any of them, okay? You have to promise me that you'll stay here." He fluttered his free hand in the air.
"Sure, sure," he said nonchalantly. I relaxed back into him, closing my eyes. His warmth was so comforting. He kissed the top of my head, leaving his lips against my hair.
"I don't want you to feel like I'm not with you all the way," I said quietly, not moving my head to see his expression. "I want you to know that I can do this for you. I'm just afraid." Jake picked his head up slowly.
"I already know that you're with me, Bells," he said, and I could hear the smile in his face. "I still can't believe that you picked me. And I know you'll tell him in your own time. Remember how long it took you to finally realize that you loved me? You always take things slow." I elbowed him gently in the ribs, though I doubt he felt it. His laugh rumbled in his chest.
We sat in silence then. I tried to think about what Edward would do when I finally met with him. Maybe he had already heard it from Carlisle. He could already be fuming. Or, maybe, he wouldn't be mad at all; he always said he would respect my decision, if I ever chose Jacob over him. Maybe he could be civilized. Maybe, when I told him, he could hide his pain long enough to escape where I couldn't see his face, see the anger and pain there behind his eyes. I knew, if I had to watch the agony bloom across his features, that it would be impossible to leave. I could never watch the hurt I was causing find a place of permanent anguish on his beautiful face.
Jake and I walked back to his house, but he was tired of being inside so we went to his garage. He wasn't supposed to do any heavy lifting or mechanic work, but just being amongst his tools seemed to brighten his mood. We settled in, him in a chair that I dragged from the house and me on the floor in front of him. I asked him to tell me about his part of the fight, as I'd never asked. I was curious to hear, from a wolf's perspective, what happened.
"So I ran as fast as I could to the clearing when I left you, and I got there before the action started," he began, getting animated. I settled in, propping myself up on my hands behind me. "We waited around for a little, only a few minutes, before we could sense them coming. The group broke off, so we got one half, maybe ten or so, and their eyes were this horrible red and it was disgusting. I managed to get a mouthful of one of them with Paul, and Sam and Leah got another one. They were all so confused, it was great. We started pushing them to the clearing for your vamps to help, and it was working-"
My phone rang then, tinny and tinkling as ever. I pulled it out of my pocket and stared as Edward's name shone out on the front. I moaned, unable to comprehend my pain, unable to cope. I looked up at Jacob and he motioned for me to answer it, his eyes pained. I grabbed his hand and flipped the phone open.
"Hello?" I said, my voice impossibly small, my pain so audible. I felt like a child.
"Bella," he breathed. He sounded amazed that I had answered. "I need to see you. We should discuss things." I looked to Jacob helplessly, and he smiled in encouragement. I took a steadying breath.
"Where-" I asked. I meant to say more, but my voice choked off with a snap. I had no idea how to tell him. I was floating, my world an endless torture. He thought for a second.
"I can meet you at your house," he said evenly. His voice, unlike mine, betrayed nothing. "Charlie is at work, I believe?"
"Yeah, he's gone," I said, still struggling. My fingers ached to touch his face, to feel his marble skin against mine.
"I'll be there in an hour," he answered. The phone clicked off. I could barely see, the pain filling my eyes, my arms, my chest. I ached with the pain of loss for so many things. Jacob took the phone out of my hand and shut it. He climbed onto the floor with me, wrapping himself around me. I cried into his chest, and he rubbed circles my back. The world grew hazy, but on I cried, sobbing for what lay ahead.
His car was parked neatly out front of Charlie's, and when I pulled up, I couldn't see him anywhere. I couldn't tell if he was sitting in his car or somewhere in the house. I parked my truck, the engine gasping, and got out. He still hadn't come to me, and I knew he was in my room. I could picture him sitting on the edge of my bed, his face passive, his god-like features unreadable. I tried to calm myself down, but it wasn't helping. I bit my lip and went inside.
That was exactly how I found him, my room paling in comparison to his presence. He was watching me as I walked in. He smiled, a mere shadow of my favorite crooked smile. It ripped through me like a bullet, and I wrapped an arm around my waist, hoping to hold in the ache.
"Hi, Edward," I spoke, wavering. I sounded as nervous as I felt.
"Bella," he said, standing. He wrapped me into his arms, his cool skin sending chills down my spine after so long with Jacob's warmth. I pinned my arms to my side, resisting the urge to wrap them around him and never let go. He stepped back, watching me. I wanted to sink into the floor.
"We need to talk," I said, hating the way it sounded. A look of worry crossed his features for a split second, so quickly that I thought I had imagined it.
"I'm only here to help," he said, his voice soft as velvet. "Please, just tell me what happened." I looked into his golden eyes and felt my heart shattering. I would never kiss him again, never feel his touch against me. I would never be part of his family, never become what he was. I couldn't look at him when I said it; I turned away, shutting my eyes.
"I picked Jake," I said, my tone flat, defeated. I couldn't bear to look at him. I had no idea how he was reacting. I didn't want to explain, didn't want to discuss. He was silent, and I was breaking.
"Oh, Bella," he said softly, his arms wrapping around my shoulders. I stiffened as his skin burned like an iron, the contact toxic. "I know that Jacob needs you. I don't hold that against you at all, love. I know that you're just helping him. Once he has recovered, this business with Victoria will all be behind us, and we can move on with our lives." I saw the tears hitting my jeans before I felt them falling. My head rocketed with vertigo. I felt like I would be sick.
"Edward, you don't understand," I said, almost angry. I hadn't wanted it to be this difficult; I knew how he felt, now, leaving me alone in the woods an eternity ago. "I'm picking Jacob. Forever." His arms slid away from me like whips, tearing flesh and bone, my body ripping apart. I remembered the tent from the ridge, the tent Edward shredded when Victoria caught his scent, and I felt just like that: my body shredding, my pieces floating away.
He was absolutely silent. I finally glanced up at him, and I immediately wished I hadn't. In his eyes was the agony I had dreaded seeing; he looked like he was burning alive from the inside, like his body was tearing. The pain I felt was now his, too. We shared in our common torture, both of us burning.
I reached for his hand, but he pulled away, suddenly standing in front of the window, his movement instantaneous. I felt the sobs being to wrack my body with pain, and I almost doubled over with the pain of watching him. I reached out for him, my hand unconsciously grasping for his familiarity, for the comfort that his touch brought me. I couldn't stop the pain now, couldn't control the torrential outpouring of the idea of losing him.
He gently walked back to me, his expression a mask of cool calmness. So gently, so carefully, he bent down to kiss my forehead. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, reveling in the quiet beauty of the moment. He pulled away, and when I opened my eyes, he was gone.
I gave up, letting the carefully constructed stilts that held me together crumble. I crumbled with them.
I lost all track of time. Something as meaningless as the dragging seconds, minutes, hours, did not interest me. I was afloat in an endless sea, my pain crashing over me in waves, suffocating. At one point, Charlie came home from work and heard me, lost in hysteria. He immediately called Jacob and retreated downstairs, terrified of my overwhelming reaction. And then, Jake was there, lifting me gingerly into his lap, curling his legs under me to hold me there with him. I knew, then, that I wasn't alone, and that every stab of pain that I felt would be accompanied with a blossom of hope. Jake, huge and encompassing, swallowed me into his warmth, his arms comforting and strong.
I cried for hours, long into the night. Jacob stayed with me, never leaving me even when the sobs turned to empty dry heaving, my body contracting as it collapsed in on itself. He rubbed my back, my arms, my hair. His body heat was wonderful against the agonizing cold that ripped through me, my shivers combated by his radiating warmth. He talked to me softly, telling me stories about his life in La Push before I moved back to Forks. I could barely hear over the screaming trains in my ears, but his voice, the rumbling of his chest, the rise and fall of his tone, were welcome.
I collapsed into sleep without knowing when. I was still lost, swallowed by grief, and my dreams were full of pain: Edward's furious face snarling, Edward's pained face burning, Edward's beautiful embrace stinging. I woke in frenzied fits, terrified, not knowing where I was. But Jacob stayed, cradling me, and his presence reassured me back to sleep and back to restless dreams.
When daybreak finally shone through my window, the weather had cleared up; the sun glimmered off of the glass in beautiful sparkles. I awoke, feeling more tired than before, and turned over to see Jacob, lying on his back, his face peaceful. I didn't want to wake him, and I slid out of bed as carefully as I could. I walked into the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. I didn't want to see myself broken.
I took a shower, letting the hot water steam up the entire bathroom before I got out. I was numb; the morning had brought with it a sense of dull ache, pushing the pain to the back of my mind rather than the forefront. I hurt, I throbbed, but I was no longer ripping apart. My pieces of myself, Edward's Bella and Jacob's Bella, had already separated. Rather than the searing pain of the tear, I was left with the emptiness of abandon, the loss of not only my family but myself. I felt lost, a stranger in my own skin.
Jacob was awake when I went back to my room, sitting up on the bed waiting for me. He was huge, taking up almost the entire bed. His expression was a mix of worry and comfort, afraid I would cry again but there to help me if I did. He rubbed his eyes, wincing as he twisted his arm brace the wrong way.
"Did the shower help?" he asked, watching me. I didn't move from the doorway, afraid that touching him would bring on a round of fresh guilt. I nodded slowly.
"How's your arm?" I asked, noticing how he placed it very precariously and very gently back into his lap. He glanced down at it.
"I'm fine," he said easily, brushing me off. "I've had worse." I smiled lightly. He grinned in response. He stood and walked over to me carefully, gauging my reaction. I held out my hand to him, and he took it in his immense grip. I instantly felt more whole; Jacob filled up that missing part of myself with his radiance. I squeezed his fingers, basking in the feeling. He was my sun, and I orbited around him in a dance, engulfed by him. The ache, dulled but throbbing, was pale in comparison to the love I felt for him, my Jacob.
Weeks passed this way. Jacob and I spent most of our days together, either down on the reservation or in Forks. We were elated when he was given the clearance to phase again, though I avoided that doctor's visit; I couldn't bring myself to face Carlisle. He showed me, alone in the woods, what it looked like when he phased, free from fear or tension. It was beautiful watching him change; he closed his eyes in slight concentration, his eyebrows pulled together, and his body would vibrate like he was shivering violently until a wolf suddenly burst forth from inside of him, beautiful and graceful. Jacob's wolf was fascinating, and he let me walk around him in circles, taking him in, while he sat proudly like a show dog, head held high. I learned how he communicated as a wolf, pulling his lips over his teeth to grin, ducking his head to show comfort, shaking his head or nodding for yes-or-no questions. He was amazing.
I spent time with my friends, too. Angela and Ben were preparing to leave for school in the fall, and I wanted to spend time with them before they did. I found that I could hold myself together around Angela, the edges of my pain shimmering dangerously without Jacob but still under control. She asked about Edward, and with every effort in me not to give away too much, I admitted that I had realized that I loved Jacob more. She was happy for me, a true friend. Ben, of course, was just as supportive, following along with Angela. It was great to be able to see them without the looming threat of having to say goodbye.
Charlie was amazed at Jake's speedy recovery, and so Jake had to hide his now-fully-healed arm in a sling whenever Charlie was around. It was inconvenient but necessary. Charlie was also aware that something had happened between me and Edward, as he saw Jake and I grow closer. He didn't pry, but his questioning eyes whenever I came home from another day in La Push were obvious. I brushed it off, chocking it up to wanting to help him while he was still recovering, but as the days passed, Charlie bought that less and less. That, along with my nightly ritual, was tipping him off.
Every night, I still cried, still sobbed, still ached. It was the nights that hurt the most, the nights I used to spend with Edward lying beside me. Jacob was there instead, sneaking in after Charlie was asleep, sometimes catching me before the sobs began, sometimes not. But, he was always there. Every night, he held me together, keeping me in one mangled piece. I could manage to put on a façade of fine-just-fine during the day, but at night those walls came crashing down. I was still broken, still aching, and though Jacob was there, I still hurt.
The Cullens didn't stay long after Jacob no longer needed a doctor. The phone that Edward had given me rang occasionally, always Alice. She didn't understand, and though I tried to explain, she was still unable to comprehend that I would ever want to leave her brother willingly. At first, she thought Jake was doing it, forcing me to leave Edward for threat of breaking the treaty if he changed me. Then, she was convinced I would change my mind back, and so she managed to keep her family in Forks a little while longer to wait until I did. After she realized I was serious, she settled into a dejected unhappiness, somewhere between betrayal and rejection. Her phone calls were short, updating me on the progress of their movements: leaving the house in Forks, moving up to Alaska to live with the Denali coven, Edward leaving to go off on his own. Alice missed me; I could hear it in her voice. I pleaded with her to come back to see me, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea. She was hurt that I had chosen a life outside of her family, too.
I missed Edward. This time, he didn't take anything that reminded me of him, and I was left with little memories everywhere: the diamond heart dangling from my charm bracelet beside Jacob's wolf, the pictures that I had refastened into my scrapbook, the CD with my lullaby. He had, of course, taken his ring with him, and I felt oddly naked without it, though I never wore it for more than a few minutes. My choosing Jacob made it obvious that that route was no longer an option.
I felt like I was floating through life. I was unsure of whether I could possibly escape from my own misery. Jacob made me happy, as did his brothers' easy acceptance of me, and I loved not having to say goodbye to Charlie or Renee. Still, something nagged at me. It was the little movements that I saw out of the corner of my eye. It was the flash of white that I saw in the trees when Jacob would run with me as a wolf. It was the edgy feeling of being watched when I sat in my room at night waiting for Jake to come. I felt safe with him around, felt secure in his grasp, but when I was alone, I was uneasy. I didn't know if it was my loss haunting me, or something worse.