On Monday, Kukai saw her again. He caught sight of her right before lunch, and noticed that she didn't go into the lunchroom like everybody else. Instead, she wandered down a lonely hallway and disappeared.

"Hey bro, where are you going?" Kukai only just realized that his feet had turned down the hallway she had just walked, subconsciously.

What should he do? Pretend like he didn't see her to himself, and go have lunch with his friends like always.

But that wouldn't be right. No, he had stood by for far too long. He could help her. No one even had to know.

"Uh, I forgot, I have to make up a test," he said, waving his friends on. "You guys go. I'll see you next period."

The other guys didn't question him, but Nagi threw him a suspicious glance. Thankfully, Rima came up and punched him in the gut, successfully distracting him.

He slipped down the hallway, helplessly stuck at an intersection. Where had she gone?

"What are you doing?"

He whirled around and saw her, her bag slung over her shoulder and her eyes narrowed in hostility. He mentally sighed. It was so hard to get past her shields. Every time they talked, he felt like they were starting over again.

"I'm eating lunch with you today."

She didn't reply. He realized that she didn't know what to say. Was she supposed to be immensely grateful? No, he didn't want that. He was only doing what he would do for anyone else. Was she supposed to be cautious, because she believed nobody would willingly ever eat lunch with her? He didn't want that, either. He didn't only feel pity for her, but also an undeniable interest in the mysterious, broken girl.

So she said nothing, and he said nothing. Instead, he slid down the wall next to her. She, he noticed, didn't have any food. So absentmindedly, he took his sandwich and split it in half, and offered it to her.

She stared for a long time, before he gently shoved it at her and it seemed to register that he had meant for her to take it.

Gingerly, Utau took the sandwich. Then she looked at him. "Hey, uh…"

"Yeah?" He tried to make himself sound as open and friendly as possible. He didn't want her to be uncomfortable.

"So this… situation has come up." She chose her words carefully, not wanting to let him know she was planning to kill herself. "And before I couldn't really spend money, but now I can. So would you like to… to…" she struggled to get the words out. "U-Uh, go to the mall w-with me?"

"Ooh, like a date?" He teased, and immediately he realized that was probably a stupid thing to say. Utau would probably think he was making fun of her.

"No, I mean, no one would ever want- forget it. I knew you wouldn't want to go…" she muttered, staring down.

"No, no!" He quickly said. "I do, I promise. After school today?"

Her lips trembled a little, disbelievingly. But she nodded, and he grinned in relief.

Then he heard sharp, harsh footsteps, and he just knew the sound of Saaya's catwalk, and even though there was nothing to be scared of he tensed and felt the urge to flee.

Because she would see him with Utau.

He was ashamed of himself, really. There was nothing wrong with hanging with Utau, in his eyes, but in hers…

"Talk to her again, and I will ruin you."

He'd end up just like the blonde, harassed and tortured until he didn't want to live anymore.

No, there was more to it. Utau's mother had died. She essentially had no parents, having emancipated herself. And he knew she had a history of pain, but he wasn't quite sure what had really happened.

And then Saaya was upon them, all cruel green eyes and red hair in perfect ringlets, venom dripping from her words.

"Kukai, darling, what are you doing with this piece of… ew. At least trash can be recycled. Honey, your face would have to be destroyed to get prettier."

Kukai had to admit he felt a little scared. Her voice, the way she towered over them, intimidated him. But he realized that everybody was scared of her. Nobody was willing to stand up for Utau, to help someone who desperately needed it, just because they were scared of her.

And they say that you can only get hurt if you give someone permission to hurt you. He felt a sense of peace, a calm clarity wash over him. He felt detached. After all, if he gave all of it up, he had nothing left to lose. He was sick of this.

"You know what, Saaya? Fuck off."

Her glossed mouth formed an 'o', and she was utterly speechless.

He stared back defiantly, and in that moment, an unspoken agreement was severed. He was no longer a jock, a person who was socially accepted. Saaya would make sure of it.

Fuming, she turned around and stalked away, and Kukai watched her go with a kind of numbness. The reality of it hadn't really hit him. He couldn't imagine his life drastically changing at all.

Suddenly, in a moment of natural human weakness, he felt panicked. What if he became like Utau? What if he hated himself and life so much, he wanted to die, too? Then who would help both of them?

But as he looked to the amethyst eyes wide beside him, filled with a newfound respect, he knew it was worth it.

"This is so weird…" Utau muttered, glancing around the huge shopping mall. "I have actual money to spend."

"Why is that?" Kukai casually questioned. They both decided to just skip class after lunch. Utau stiffened.

"Uh… no reason. One of my distant relatives passed away and left me some money in her will," she lied quickly.

He nodded, accepting the somewhat plausible explaination. He gestured around. "What do you want to buy?"

What do girls usually want to buy? Utau tried to think. "Um… clothes?"

He nodded again and they headed in the direction of a well-known clothes store. Utau searched and tried to be interested, but after selecting a couple basics, she just couldn't continue. It was quite boring.

Kukai noticed her listlessly browsing and tried to stifle a laugh. He probably liked shopping more than Utau did, judging by her facial expression.

"Hey, you don't have to buy a bunch of clothes just because you can. Buy something you like," he told her, startling her into dropping an article of clothing.

She mentally sighed with relief. "Alright then, let's go," she tried to say nonchalantly, but he caught the eagerness in her voice and laughed.

They wandered around a bit, until Utau spotted a soft pretzel stand and they stopped to eat a couple of snacks. Kukai teased her for being clumsy as she dropped her pretzel when she tripped, and she blushed and stammered, but he laughed and told her he was joking.

And then he bought her a new one, and Utau was in wonder. This was so new, so weird. Nobody had ever paid attention to her like this, teased her in such a friendly, fun way. It had always been harsh cruel words, people tripping her on purpose, and she felt like she was being born into a different world.

Then they passed a music shop and her eyes grew wide. There it was.

She stopped abruptly, and Kukai looked at her curiously. She didn't explain, but immediately stepped into the shop.

She steadily walked down the aisle, hanging instruments everywhere, until she reached a pretty little guitar, made with matte wood. She gingerly reached up and touched it, and all of a sudden Kukai understood.

"Would you like to try it?" The saleswomen asked nicely. Utau nodded, almost reverently.

The woman took it down and handed it to her. Utau sat down on the stool and strummed a few chords. Then she shifted a bit and started playing.

"And baby you can tell me, that my mirror's broken, and I can't see myself. But baby let me tell you, beauty means nothing when you're scarred, and I'm the broken one," she sang, closing her eyes with an expression of peace settling onto her features.

"And why can't everybody just leave me alone? I've got enough monsters inside, I don't need more in disguise, somebody give me a place to hide…" She strummed more fiercely now, singing with all her heart.

"Get the hell away from me, I'm too messed up for anybody to love. You could anything you want to be, but me I've got no freedom, I'm bound and held in hell."

She finished with light single notes, her voice dropping down to a beautiful, soft clear melody. "Baby you can tell me my mirror's broken… but I'm far more shattered than that."

Kukai was speechless.

"Did you write that?" He blurted out.

She shrugged shyly. "I kind of thought it up today, yeah."

"That's amazing. You have a gift," Kukai muttered, a little in awe.

"How much?" Utau asked.

The saleswoman looked at Utau, saw how ragged and broken she was, not only on the outside, but inside as well. She saw the faded scars and the fresh ones, brutally ruining a perfectly smooth canvas of wrist. She had heard the voice, the voice of an angel, and who could deny an angel their song?

So she took the guitar and put it in a case, and told Utau half the price of what was really on the tag. Kukai noticed, but Utau did not. Simply smiling, she took out the money and paid.

As they exited the store, Kukai looked back and caught the store employee's eyes, and she smiled and waved him off, like, "No big deal." And it gave him maybe a little more faith in humanity, let him realize that good people still existed.

Utau hummed under her breath, and for the first time, her music had sung out.

Kukai wanted to take her hand then, and so he did. He wasn't the type to not do what he wanted. She seemed surprised, but she did not react. Instead, shyly, hesitantly, quietly, she left her hand in his.

But he could see her scars, and suddenly he stopped her. "Promise me."

"Promise what?"

"That you won't cut again." Before she could protest or be offended or something, he felt the need to explain. "Because I heard you sing today, and I heard something the world needs. I heard an angel and angels don't need to hurt themselves to make themselves feel better. You're beautiful and you can't ruin yourself like this."

Maybe the Utau of before, the one from this morning, would've snapped, "Watch me. You don't know a single fucking thing about me. I will do what I want."

But the Utau of four hours later was different. The Utau with a guitar on her back and a song on her lips was different. The Utau holding Kukai's hand was suddenly vulunerable, because somehow this messy haired, green eyed boy knew more about her than maybe she did herself. No, he didn't know about her past. He wouldn't know, probably ever. But he knew her.

So she nodded. "I promise."

"Today was a good day."

Utau looked at her naked body in the mirror, holding the blade to her wrist. The cool metal had not yet dug into her flesh, and she really hoped it wouldn't, in her mind. She knew this was bad for her. She had promised!

But she also craved it, craved the sight of her crimson blood leaking out onto the pristine white tiles below.

The one thing she hated was when people thought she was fine. That she was pretending to have a shitty life for attention.

"You don't even look depressed!"

Well, I'm sorry, Utau thought bitterly. Want me to cry in front of you, slash my wrists before you, and fucking wear a sign that says 'Suicidal'?

No, she didn't like it at all.

Because the thing was, even though she was depressed, she was still functional. Depression was a mental disorder, she was told. And Utau was depressed in the way that some teenagers were, saying they hated their lives because their boyfriends broke up with them, or something like that. Utau was legitimately depressed, in the mental disorder way.

It didn't mean she was retarded. No, she could live day-to-day, wake up, go to school, and sit alone everywhere. She could speak if spoken to. She could laugh and smile, she could go to the mall and shop like a normal person.

But at night, when her façade could be broken, break it would. Because the monsters would creep back, they would overtake everything. They would cloud her mind and torture her, remember every single mistake, make her hate herself.

Make her hate living.

They were always there, telling her how imperfect she was, telling her how everything was her fault. How she was utterly alone.

It didn't matter if Kukai ditched her friends to sit with her, if he brought her flowers. He couldn't fix her now, because the monsters were there and they would not go.

She struggled to hold on to her memories of today, of a good day, but they were slipping and the black cloud was coming over again, and all the jumbled fragments and shards of her past cut her.

And her blade cut into her skin, deep and precise.

After what seemed like a blurry, blissfully numb eternity, she raised her head and looked at herself in the mirror.

"Today was a go-" she tried to finish the sentence, but broke down crying instead.

Because she had broke her promise to Kukai, but mostly, to herself.

Poor Utau, her monsters inside... I wonder what exactly happened in her past?

Also, I did write the song in the middle. I kind of like it.

~Sea