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Commentator: Welcome back my Earth bound and companion wannabe friends to the next installment of 'Doctor Who Abridged'. Regrettably WITHOUT commentary. Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!
Hey what gives? I thought this was a commentator-free parody?
Commentator: Well Anonymius decided that even though we're not part of the actual parody, we can still respond to reviews.
Shouldn't you be fighting Dementors at the moment?
Commentator: I've given them til the end of this chapter to give me back the manga. In the mean time let's take a look at some of the recent reviews sent:
Ha! This is pure gold, please make more parodies!
Commentator: Oh don't worry, Anonymius intends to, right up to the present. And beyond.
Professor: Our second review is from Izzy Lawliet:
this is super funny. you should make more of this
Sammy: Our third and final review is from Vilinye:
That parody is great. "I'm terrified of anything that comes back to life that isn't me!"
Commentator: Just wait until we get to Series Three when you see how terrified of those who come back from the dead that isn't him he can be. If we ever get to Series Three that is. Well that's everyone, and while we wait for the Dementors to give me back the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, let's read the next chapter:
How did this happen to me? One minute I'm falling to my death from a blimp with a union jack across my t-shirt, the next I'm in a space ship piloted by a time travelling American?
After leaving the Dalek, the Doctor took us to a new time period.
Doctor: You'll like this period, Rose. It's at the peak of galactic civilization, and they'll be tons of aliens as well-
(People appear along with tacky looking stands)
Rose: You know, I should be disappointed, but I'm already familiar with how tacky and human centric this show is.
Doctor: No seriously, it's not supposed to look like this!
Rose: Suuure it isn't, Doctor.
Doctor: Right then, with the end of this station the world should return to its normal course instead of civilization collapsing as we know it.
After leaving the future, the Doctor takes me to the time of my Dad's death, so that I could comfort him. When I failed to do so the first time, during the second, I stopped him from dying.
Doctor: Rose! You should not have changed history!
Rose: -I shouldn't-YOU CHANGE HISTORY ALL THE TIME, YOU CHANGED IT DURING OUR LAST ADVENTURE!
Doctor: But when I do it, it's cuuuute!
Rose: -What does that even mean?
Doctor: It means get out of my house!
Rose: This is my house! Or at least my past self's.
Doctor: Fine, then stay here. (Walks out)
Just when I thought everything was all right, dragon-like creatures came out of nowhere and started killing everyone.
Rose: Wait a minute! There really ARE dragon-like creatures that emerge when a paradox is created? I thought you were making it up?
Doctor: Clearly not.
Rose: But wait, you're seriously telling me that the universe cares if the same person from different time periods meet?
Doctor: Well the writers do, anyway. Also don't hold your baby self. That will just create another paradox.
Rose: No, a paradox is when you kill your own grandfather before your dad is born. Meeting yourself in the past, that's just meeting yourself in a past, how is that a paradox in anyway?
Doctor: What, you don't think meeting yourself is a paradox?
Rose: Not one that threatens to tear apart the fabric of reality, no! So let me get this straight. Should I see my adult self, that will cause a paradox?
Doctor: Yes.
Rose: But when it's a younger version of me, it will only create a paradox if I hold myself?
Doctor: Yes.
Rose: And if it's the same person but with a difference appearance and personality, then no dragon-like creatures appear?
Doctor: Pretty much.
Rose: -You know, could you really blame me for not taking you seriously? Cos I swear sometimes it sounds like you're just making this stuff up as you go along!
Doctor: Of course I'm making it up as I go along! Doesn't mean it isn't true!
And so my dad, realising what has happened, decides to sacrifice himself in order to correct the time-line, despite the fact that it was me meeting my adult self that cause the rip in space and time, not him living.
Rose: Okay I'm confused. Do we remember what happened or not?
Doctor: I guess not.
Huh. I guess if that's true, then how am I able to tell you what happened? And now that I think about it, who am I talking to? Ah, I must have bumped my head as I fell.
Anyway, a week later, the Doctor was in one of his ranting moods.
Doctor: You know I don't understand why the TARDIS keeps bringing us back to Earth. I mean there are billions of planets, yet for the past year it's been nothing but, Earth, Earth, and more Earth. Not that there's anything wrong with Earth. Earth is useful. You can grow a lot of things in earth. It's just that I like a bit of variety.
While we got separated, the Doctor ended up at this house, where he came face to face with a creepy child. Well, he would have been face to face if a door wasn't in the way.
(The Child pops his hand through the envelope)
Child: Ello, Mammie.
Doctor: -I'm sorry?
Child: Is that Mammie?
Doctor: Er, no, sorry, there is no Mummy here.
Child: Oh, okay. (Bangs repeatedly against the door)
Afterwards he comes to an area where a bomb apparently landed, and comes face to face with another doctor.
Doctor: Wait, you're the doctor? I don't-
Constantine: Finish that sentence and die!
Doctor: Oh, okay.
(As Nancy hides, she can hear breathing)
Child: Constantine never told you what happened to your brother.
Nancy: He told me enough! He told me he died!
Child: No.
(Nancy turns around and faces the child)
Child: I am your brother.
Nancy: (Backs away) No, no. That's not true! That's impossible!
Child: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Nancy: (Crumples down) NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Child: Join me, and together, we shall rule the world as brother and sister.
Later me and Captain Jack meet up with the Doctor, and as we learn more about the Child, he finds us.
Child: Nice to see you again, Mammies.
Doctor: Rose, don't let them touch you, or they'll assimilate you!
Gask Mask People: We are the Gas Mask People. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Doctor: Yes, we get that you're mimicking the Borg, don't do the parallel in!
Gas Mask People: Sorry.
Later, as Jack starts talking with the man in charge of the guards, the Doctor explains something about him.
Doctor: You see, Rose, in Jack's age the human race has spread across the galaxy, met all kinds of aliens, and learnt to be a bit more-er-flexible in their choice of dancing partners.
Rose: (Gasps) What? You mean Jack is willing to dance with anyone?
Doctor: Or anything.
Rose: Anything?
Doctor: And anyone.
Rose: So, let me get this straight. Because they accept dancing partners from other races, this somehow makes them search for partners in their own race or homeworld that they wouldn't have even considered asking to dance before?
Doctor: Yep.
Rose: -Well that makes no biological sense! Okay, forget the odd minority, but if all animals from the beginning of evolution were flexible in their choice of dancing partner, where would we be?
Doctor: Oh I don't know, the Bonobo Chimps seem to manage.
Rose: I mean doesn't that also contradict the notion that a minority are genetically conditioned to choose only a sort of partner which the basis of the argument that you can't judge who they choose as their dance partners?
Doctor: Then how do you explain all the prison dramas?
Rose: Okay, I admit that maybe in a few cases it does happen, but you know I find it odd how it's only greatly mentioned in American dramas as opposed to British and Australian and do we really have to keep using the dance metaphor?
Doctor: Yes.
Rose: -You are kidding me? What, we have death on this show, but we can't mention to the kiddies homo-
Doctor: DANCING!
Rose: Sigh, all right, dancing.
Later we found the ship that had crashed, and the Doctor found out that it belonged to a race called the Chula.
Doctor: Ohh, so that explains all of the 'League of Gentlemen', 'Star Wars' and 'Star Trek' references!
Rose: How?
Doctor: Well the Chula were fond of Earth black comedies and sci-fi.
Later the Gas Mask People gathered.
Rose: What are they doing? And why is the 'Imperial March' playing in the background?
Doctor: They're Stormtroopers. Waiting for Darth Vader. Or the Borg waiting for the Borg Queen, take your pick.
Jack: You know I never liked the addition of the Borg Queen to the Borg mythology. It seemed to completely undermine the whole idea that they had this hive mind and no need for a single leader.
Rose: Well, you know, a hive mind always needs a queen to order it.
Doctor: Actually that's a myth.
Rose: -Huh?
Doctor: Eusocial insects neither have a hive mind, nor does the queen actually control the hive. That's just a misconception, the queen is merely the reproductive unit of the hive, so there can actually be several queens in one hive, they actually don't need a single leader to function so in fact 'mother' would be more accurate than 'queen' and neither of you are paying attention to me, are you?
Jack: Not really.
Nancy: This is all my fault!
Doctor: (Looks at her) You're actually his mother, aren't you?
Nancy: -How did you know?
Doctor: Mothers tend to blame themselves for their sons' mishaps.
Doctor: Go, Nancy. You're our only hope. Oh no! Ive been infected! Quickly Nancy, you're our only hope, on no, it's getting worse!
And so, thanks to Nancy, the nanites were able to repair the Child and everyone else.
Doctor: Woohoo! Woohoo! Oh yeah! No one died! No one died! Do you have any idea how rarely no one dies on this show for the entire episode or serial?
Rose: Not really?
Doctor: Not that often! It's time to take out the champagne!
Rose: But what about Jack?
Doctor: …Well, I guess we've got to go save him. I can't let his death tarnish my winning streak!
And so, Jack Harkness joins the Doctor as his second companion. What more adventures await these three? Find out next time on 'Doctor Who Abridged (With Commentary)'!
Oh wait, the season one finale's already been done! I guess you don't need to tune in next time what happens!
And it's not actually called 'With Commentary'!
Commentator: Stop reminding us!
Kay.