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Chapter Three
First updated 1/19/2015
-=o=-
"I really appreciate the two of you helping me out like this," Penny said, from the back seat.
She, Sheldon and Leonard were in Leonard's car driving toward Kurt's apartment building on the other side of Pasadena. "I just think Kurt will be more reasonable if the two of you are there with me."
"I'm sure he will be," Leonard agreed. "After all, there are two of us and one of him."
Sheldon turned to look at Leonard. "By that logic we should have brought Koothrappali and Wolowitz as well."
"It'll be fine, Sheldon," Leonard told him. "You and I will be able to take care of the situation."
"I don't know what makes you think that, Leonard," Sheldon said. "You and I can hardly even carry a TV."
"Don't worry, I can help," Penny offered. "I'm pretty strong."
"I think we can manage, Penny," Leonard said, looking at her in the rear-view mirror. She was now dressed in a pink blouse and hip-hugger jeans, having gone back to her apartment to change before they left. Raj and Howard (mostly Howard) had wanted to come along as well, but Leonard had made the excuse that they should remain in the apartment in case he or Sheldon needed them to bring something to help them move the television. Howard had backed down that time but not before giving Penny compliments in Farsi, Arabic and Klingon.
"I really think we should examine the chain of causality here," Sheldon said, his tone dripping disapproval.
"The chain of what?" Penny asked, confused.
"Oh, I don't think we should do that," Leonard said, not wanting to get into it in front of Penny.
But Sheldon would not be dissuaded. "Event A: a beautiful young woman—"
"Oh, thank you,Sheldon!" Penny beamed at him.
"You're welcome—a beautiful young woman stands naked in our shower."
In the mirror, Leonard could see Penny's eyes widen in surprise. "What?" she squeaked. He winced, wishing he knew where Sheldon's OFF switch was.
"Event B: we drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend," Sheldon went on. "Query: in what universe is there even a semi-rational link between these events?"
"Sheldon, I thought you wanted to help get my TV back," Penny said, looking unhappy.
"Oh, he does, he does!" Leonard said quickly, glancing back at her. "It's just that—Sheldon tends to overanalyze things," he explained.
Sheldon's head turned slowly to gaze at Leonard. "I overanalyze things? Such flattery will get you nowhere with me, sir." He turned to look back at Penny. "I don't understand why you couldn't go get your own TV."
"Because Kurt—" Penny stopped, looking upset. "Because even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, some part of me still loves him and wants to be with him!" She began to sniffle again. "Does that sound crazy?"
"Yes," Sheldon said.
"No," Leonard said. They both looked at one another. Leonard looked back at Penny. "It's a paradox, like the dual wave-particle nature of light."
"Huh?" Penny said, brushing tears out of her eyes.
"It's very simple," Sheldon said. "If a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits, demonstrating it is a particle. If it's unobserved it will go through both slits, demonstrating it is a wave. However, if it's observed after it's gone through the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits."
"Huh?" Penny said again.
Sheldon looked back at Leonard. "I don't know which is worse—you thinking with your penis, or her not thinking at all."
"Sheldon!" Leonard snapped. It was way, way too early in this relationship to be throwing words like "penis" around. "Penny, I'm sorry—"
"Hold on!" Penny was pointing to an apartment building. "There it is," she said. "Just pull into that driveway there." Relieved that she hadn't been offended, Leonard drove into the parking lot of Penny's ex-boyfriend.
The three of them exited the car and walked up to the front entrance of the building. "He's in 406," Penny said, pointing to the row of buttons next to the glass doors. She turned to Leonard. "I think it will be better if you two go up to see him without me. I don't know if I can even look at him right now."
"O-okay," Leonard agreed. "Why don't you go wait for us in the car?" Penny nodded and headed back to the parking lot.
"Why did you let her leave?" Sheldon asked unhappily. "She could be the only thing preventing us from getting pantsed or wedgied."
"Come on, Sheldon," Leonard scoffed. "There's two of us and one of him."
"Making his victory over us all the greater!" Sheldon pointed out.
"Just let me do the talking," Leonard said. He located the button for 406 and pushed it.
"Yeah?" a guy's voice said over the intercom.
"Hi, I'm Leonard," Leonard said. "And Sheldon. We're—"
"Hello," Sheldon said, leaning toward the intercom. Leonard held up a hand signaling Sheldon to be quiet.
"We're here to pick up Penny's TV," Leonard continued. Now, since there were two of them, the guy should realize they meant business and let them in to get Penny's—
"Get lost," the guy said. The intercom clicked off.
"Okay, thanks for your time," Sheldon said, then turned to leave.
Leonard grabbed his arm, stopping him. "Hold on, we're not gonna give up just like that!"
Sheldon sighed. "Leonard, the TV is in the building," he pointed out. "We have been denied access to the building. If we cannot enter the building, we cannot retrieve the television set. Ergo, we are done."
"Excuse me," Leonard said sternly. "If I were to give up at the first little hitch, I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the Big Bang!"
Sheldon considered this. "My apologies," he offered. "So what's your plan to enter the building?"
Leonard turned and regarded the doors. He hadn't really thought things out that far yet. He walked over to them and tried to open one. It was locked, of course. He took hold of both doors and tried to pull them open. They wobbled but they refused to open. Leonard finally gave up, releasing the doors and turning to look at Sheldon, expecting him to say something snarky.
He did, of course. "It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work."
Leonard sighed, exasperated. "Come on. We have a combined IQ of 360. We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building."
As Leonard was saying this two small girls in sashes carrying boxes of cookies walked up to the entrance. One girl ran her finger down the row of buttons, pushing them all. There was a buzzing sound and the two girls pushed the doors open, gaining entrance.
As Leonard stared, openmouthed, Sheldon said, "What do you think their combined IQ is?"
"Just grab the door!" Leonard said, and the two of them rushed inside.
They made their way up to the fourth floor and found apartment 406. "This is it," Leonard said, knocking on the door. "I'll do the talking," he cautioned Sheldon.
"Good thinking," Sheldon retorted. "I'll just be the muscle."
The door opened and a huge humanoid figure stepped into the doorway. Leonard found himself looking up, up past the guy's rock-hard abs, his massive pecs and biceps, and into his square-jawed face. Leonard felt his stomach church with apprehension, but they were here now—they were going through with this no matter what!
The guy studied the two of them for a long moment, waiting for them to say something. "Yeah?" he finally asked, when they remained silent.
"I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon," Leonard introduced themselves.
"From the intercom," Sheldon amplified.
The guy looked perturbed. "How the hell did you get in the building?"
Leonard's expression turned superior. "We're scientists," he said, as if that should be explanation enough.
The expression on the guy's face, however, was not one of a person impressed by that fact. He actually looked rather put out with them.
"Tell him about our IQ," Sheldon whispered.
The guy grunted and stepped into the hallway.
Several minutes later, Leonard and Sheldon walked out the front of the building, sans pants. They began slowly walking toward the parking lot.
"Leonard," Sheldon said after a moment.
"What?" Leonard grunted.
"My mom bought me those pants."
"I'm sorry," Leonard said.
"You're going to have to call her," Sheldon admonished him.
At that moment Penny came running up to them, having seen them exit the building. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "What happened?!"
"Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards," Leonard said, morosely. "And I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory."
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Penny cried. "I really thought that if you two went up to talk to him he wouldn't be such an ass!"
"Well, it was a valid hypothesis," Leonard rationalized.
"A valid hypothesis?" Sheldon echoed. "What is happening to you?"
"Come on," Penny said angrily. "He can't do that to you!" She started marching toward the front doors.
"I don't think we want to give him another shot at us," Sheldon said. "I'm rapidly running out of pants for him to remove."
"We're going to get your pants back," Penny said determinedly. "And I'm going to tell him a thing or two about how he should treat people!"
"I don't think we can get back into the building," Leonard said.
"Don't worry, I have a key," Penny said, pulling it out of her jeans.
"She had a key?!" Sheldon said to Leonard. "Then why didn't she give it—" Leonard made a shushing gesture and Sheldon fell silent.
They followed a furious Penny up to the fourth floor where she banged angrily on 406. "Get lost," Kurt's voice came through the door. "Unless you want to end up buck naked in the street."
"Kurt!" Penny shouted. "Open this door NOW!"
The door opened and Kurt reappeared. When he saw Penny he actually smiled. "Hey babe," he said to her. "Decided to come back?" He glanced at Leonard and Sheldon behind her. "Is this your moving crew?"
"No, I'm not coming back, you jerk, and how dare you treat my friends that way?!" Penny demanded.
"Relax, babe, it was just a joke," Kurt said, shrugging.
"Well it's not funny!" Penny snapped. "Now you give them back their pants, right now, or you and I are going to have a major problem!"
"Fine," Kurt muttered, his smile disappearing. Leonard and Sheldon's pants sailed over Penny's head, falling across Sheldon's head and shoulders. "There. You happy now?"
"No!" Penny was still furious. "You know I paid for that TV, Kurt—are you going to give it to me or not?"
"Fine," Kurt said again. "You want it—hang on." He left the doorway, returning a minute later with a TV set in his hands. "Here," he said, handing it to Penny. "But you're just going to be carrying it back here when you come home, babe."
"Don't hold your breath," Penny snapped. "Come on, guys," she said to Leonard and Sheldon. She walked off toward the elevators, carrying the TV.
Leonard looked at Kurt. "Thanks for your cooperation," he said.
Kurt stared at him a moment, then slammed the door shut.
"Interesting fellow," Sheldon said. "I'm sure your father would say he's a rather fine example of Homo neanderthalensis, Leonard." Sheldon made a chuffing sound that was his unique form of laughter.
"Maybe," Leonard agreed. "At least we got our pants back."
"With Penny's help," Sheldon pointed out.
"Just come on," Leonard said, following Penny toward the elevators.
-=o=-
Returning to their own apartment building, Leonard and Sheldon followed Penny up the stairs to the fourth floor, carrying her television set. "I am really so, so sorry Kurt did that to you," Penny was saying. "He really is a nice guy most of the time—he just gets a little, well, crazy when we get into an argument."
"Well, it wasn't my first pantsing, and it won't be my last," Sheldon said.
"Well, I really appreciate your help," Penny said, watching as they negotiated the last few steps to the fourth floor. At the top of the steps they put the TV on the floor, panting with exhaustion.
"Listen," she said. "Thank you both so much for going with me." She gave Leonard and Sheldon each a hug, though Sheldon flinched as she embraced him. "Why don't you two get cleaned up and I'll take you out to dinner—on me. Oh, and Raj and Howard can come, too."
"Oh, great," Leonard said happily.
"Thank you," Sheldon said.
"Um, but what about the TV?" Leonard asked, pointing to it.
"Oh, I can handle it," she said. She reached down, picking it up, walked over to her door and unlocked it, then stepped inside.
Sheldon glanced at Leonard watching her. "You're not done with her, are you?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
Leonard smiled dreamily. "Our babies will be smart and beautiful," he replied.
"Not to mention imaginary," Sheldon retorted.