Forgiveness
There is no love without forgiveness, there is no forgiveness without love, it takes a strong person to say sorry but an even stronger person to forgive, because there is always a second chance never break that hope
"Were never going to find him!" armor clanked loudly as Alphonse threw his armored hands in exasperation and fear" we need too! It's getting darker, if anything happens to him" Al was just muttering hysterics by now.
Winry said nothing, times like these made her realize exactly how alike Ed and Al could be.
If it was Ed he would be acting just like Al, her friend was shaking with every step he took and they've been down several streets already and still no sight of him.
"Is their anywhere he would've gone looking for you Al?" Winry was just as worried but currently she was the only one not having a mental break down.
Though the minute they found Ed she was going to let him meet a new side of her wrench, course that was just her fear talking.
"A river but there aren't any around here" Al's voice was shaking as he shook his head" and alleyways are the only other place I can think of" both let out sighs, it would take days to check every alleyway and they didn't have that sort of time.
The sky had already darken Al had shown up around 2:00 pm by now it was probably 6:00 pm, trying to calm his hysterical mind Al made to go forward as Winry had already begun walking when.
A loud meow caught his attention making him look across the street; it was a cat, a black cat with golden eyes.
He tilted his head; it couldn't be the same one from before could it?
That's when he noticed how the water that was dripping off it wasn't water; it was too thick…to red.
Acting before thinking he barley heard Winry's shout of 'Al! What are you doing?!' he hoped he was right but at the same time he hoped he was wrong.
The cat scurried away at the sight of such a large suit of armor coming towards it, barley three steps into the alleyway.
"BROTHER!"
There he was but Al didn't want to believe what he was seeing, water splashed as Winry's horrified shriek of Ed! Snapped him out of his stupor.
Both of them kneeled down near the unconscious boy.
He was lying in a growing pool of his own blood, the rain water was preventing the wounds from closing and his skin was terribly pale making the bruise on his cheek stand out. The worst part was how badly he was shaking the only color was the redness in his cheeks no doubt from a fever.
"Oh, Ed" Winry sobbed reaching out touching the boy and recoiling as if burned" he has a fever and he's lost a lot of blood" she said seriously trying to calm herself using her limited medical knowledge.
Their seemed to be a lot of crying the past two days" we have to get him back to the hospital!" was all Al could say as he picked up his brother internally wincing at how lifeless Ed seemed.
Pounding rain and darkness, his brother bleeding to death in his arms scared that he wouldn't make it.
The two began to sprint back as the memories kept playing in Al's head, he only focused on the fact that they found Ed, but how bad off was he?
He didn't even stir as Al moved, his bulky form behind Winry's as it seemed like a repeat of that terrible night all over again.
Only this time the blood wasn't from bloodied stumps, it was from wounds received by an enemy and his own brother.
His brother's only movement was the limp lolling of his head and the slight shudder that passed through him from his fever.
And all Al knew was that this was his fault, no matter what anyone told him this was his fault.
Because no matter what anyone said, he was the one to hurt his brother, no one but him.
The next few hours past in a blur for Alphonse when they returned to the hospital.
The search was called off as his brother was as everyone had feared, much worse off now.
Because of how many times they had been torn open the larger wounds, those that Al knew had been caused by a sword and his own armor had begun to get infected.
The fever was another problem onto itself along with the blood lost; it would be longer than a week now till his brother could be released.
They were watching to see if he developed phenomena which was completely possible, an entire night and most of a day out there in the elements.
His brother always fought these things like he did an enemy, but now as Alphonse watched from a corner he doubted it.
He doubted his brother would want to fight; he hadn't woken up at all he hadn't even stirred a bit.
The doctor said it had been blood lost and the fever which was being caused from the strain, best case scenario it would just stay a fever.
Worst case it would go from being just a cold to pneumonia, he was glad that the doctor had let him stay.
Several excuses were made so Alphonse wouldn't be forced to return to an empty dorm room, just to sit awake like always.
Not knowing if his brother was even going to want to wake up.
His brother hadn't moved at all either, he lay still in the hospital bed and if Alphonse wasn't hearing the heart monitor would have thought him dead.
Or he's in a coma
It wasn't a high possibility though, the doctor said he only hit his head but not even that was hard enough to cause that.
But what did Al expect he always became paranoid when his brother was so badly injured.
Standing up Al winced at how loud his armor sounded in the quiet hospital room; he glanced at his joints seeing rust.
It wasn't much but his brother would have to fix it that is if he would fix it.
Making his way towards the left side of the bed he reached out and gently held his brothers flesh hand, he knew it would have been better to hold the automail one as that one couldn't feel pain.
But it felt wrong to do that, despite being nerveless steel that felt nothing something about his brother being able to feel his touch was important to him.
Even if he couldn't feel his brother's hand he knew if Edward was awake he'd be able to feel the armor, maybe that's why he did it.
Somehow was it possible that Al knew that he was afraid? Did he subconsciously know his brother always needed him by his side, is that why he always made sure Ed could be sure he was there?
And Al couldn't remember the times his brother had woken up and asked for him, his brother who always got hurt.
He always worried about him first, even the day he woke up here he asked about Al first.
"We never change do we brother?" he knew Ed probably couldn't hear him, and was glad they had given his brother pain killers.
No matter what Al did he couldn't help remembering what he had said, what he had done.
He remembered every word that planted every seed of doubt in his mind, but now looking at his brothers still form he wondered once again how he could ever let himself believe that.
He was the worst brother ever" I'm sorry big brother" he just didn't know what else to say.
In his self-loathing he never heard the clicking of automail or the hoarse whisper of his name, at least until he heard the sound of metal on fingernails.
Looking down he saw his brother, but the look he was receiving from his older brother.
He hadn't seen his brother this close to tears in a long time, worse was the pure terror buried in those glazed golden eyes.
Dead didn't describe how Al felt at that moment as the minute he lifted his free hand he tried not to sob.
His brother flinched at the action as he let his arm fall and then despite the pain still managed to look guilty as a soft quiet sob filled the quiet, despite the fact that Al deserve this pain his big brother was still protecting him.
He didn't deserve Edward as a brother.
"Why Al?" the last time he heard his brothers voice laced with this much pain and unshed tears was….Al never hated someone as much as that butcher right now.
Why did you leave? Why did you say all that?
The questions were endless and Al found himself afraid to answer.
-000-
Everything hurt; he felt like he had been thrown off a building and landed on sharp rocks everything throbbed even if it was dulled.
He also noticed he was no longer feeling the rain on his body or the cool wet stone, now he was dry and laying in what he guessed was a hospital bed.
Only hospital beds were this uncomfortable, the tiny aware part of him realized.
Besides the aches he felt light headed, nauseas and cold despite the fact that he felt overly warm too, the awareness began to grow as he faintly remembered feeling like this only ten times worse after automail surgery.
Then something moved his head was beginning to gain some clarity though it also hurt.
Probably from when he smacked it into the ground, he thought back as something cold touched his warm hand.
Only one thing felt so cold yet warm so warm at the same time.
Only one person moved around with the sound of hollow armor following.
Alphonse? Was he dreaming or hallucinating?
He remembered a cat and then passing out; maybe he was dreaming this entire situation that was until he heard his little brother's voice.
"We never change do we brother?"
He couldn't hallucinate the defeat in his brother's voice to sound like that, Al sounded so scared and even a little defeated.
He wanted to wake up but found her couldn't open his eyes, but it wasn't that he couldn't it was fear.
He was afraid to wake up, why was Al here?
Hadn't he thrown him away? Hadn't Al left him alone?
Why was he back? Or was he going to leave once Ed woke up?
Too many whys circled his already shattered heart, he felt if he woke up he'd find out this was all a dream.
He'd wake up and Al would be gone and he'd be alone.
Or worse it would be Al, but then he would just tell him that he only stayed to bring him back and then leave.
He felt tears behind his eyes and tried to stop them, if it was Al he wasn't about to cry in front of him.
He had some dignity left; even said dignity would be thrown away if Alphonse tried to leave.
He knew if he woke up and Al even tried to leave, well, he would stop him or die trying.
He felt the grip on his flesh hand tightened and was glad for the contact, he never told Al because of his pride but this was the only way Ed could ever be sure his brother was with him.
It was ironic in a way that the one thing he had taken away from his little brother, was the one thing Ed cherished most.
Just the simple sensation of touch even if it was cool steel and rough leather, was enough for him to know Al was there with him.
He knew he wasn't going to be able to fake sleep for much longer especially when Alphonse spoke again.
"I'm sorry big brother"
That did it.
Al always called him brother but he only ever called him big brother when they had a particularly nasty fight and Alphonse had said something unusually hurtful.
He couldn't stand the self-loathing he heard in his younger brother's voice as he slowly opened his eyes and hated the fact that he could feel wetness in them.
But he couldn't do anything about it, he hurt too much.
Both inside and out, he was still afraid of Al's reaction of another rejection.
He wouldn't be able to take it if Alphonse left him again, he might as well end this emptiness and just stab himself through the heart.
"Al" he couldn't even find the strength to wince at how hoarse, weak and broken he sounded.
Apparently Al hadn't heard him either as he was able to move his hand enough for his fingernails to tap against the armor.
"Al?" this time his brother responded by looking down, the way the helmet snapped meant Alphonse had been thinking.
He always could read his brother so easily despite the emotionless mask, and right now all he saw was pure pain and guilt.
He watched Al lift his hand and Edward found himself visibly flinching as he stopped a sob from escaping his throat, Alphonse entire body seemed to go ridged with pain as he let his arm fall.
He didn't mean, he wasn't afraid of Al…he wasn't it was just.
The last memory he had was of Alphonse leaving him alone, hurting him and despite all that he couldn't let Al know as he knew his guilt was showing.
Al looked ever worse now as his entire frame spelled guilty, the silence was beginning to get to Ed as he finally asked.
"Why Al?' he once gain cursed his weakness but everyone had a breaking point.
And Ed knew he was past his, if Al didn't tell him the truth of what his reasons were.
Well life wasn't something he would be looking forward to.
Al didn't speak for awhile as all he did was hold his left hand tighter, his little brother had seemed so sure when he rejected him as family the day before.
Why was Alphonse faltering now? He just couldn't take it anymore!
"Al I'm sorry" he spoke quietly as he spoke the next part through clenched teach trying to fight back the sob stuck in his throat" you had every right to leave me, you have every right to hate your stupid older brother"
He was shocked by what Al said next though as he looked up.
"Don't ever say that again brother! You're the one who should hate me!" Al his little brother was never one to fight back emotions as he easy heard the tears he couldn't shed in his little brothers voice.
"Alphonse how could I ever hate you that's just impossible, but you have every right to hate me" it was true despite the fear and hurt he didn't hate his brother, he only hated the pain he was causing but Edward knew he deserve it and more.
Unless Alphonse gave him a plausible reason he'd never believe that his baby brother didn't hate him, didn't resent him, and didn't find him a burden.
He didn't even notice as he turned away that the tears had begun to run down his face.
-000-
Ed always was impatient even like this, as before Al could find his voice brother was already confessing his own thoughts.
"Al I'm sorry" Edward was sorry, what had he done?
Al was the one who completely tore into him, broke lines that should never be crossed had thrown him away.
" You had every right to leave me, you have every right to hate your stupid older brother"
What? Ed he…his brother, he thought.
Suddenly finding his voice he almost yelled but remembered that they weren't the only ones in the hospital" Don't ever say that again brother! You're the one who should hate me!" why was his brother like this.
Why couldn't he let Alphonse take the blame, he was the one that believed Barry the Chopper, he was the one to hurt Ed.
He was the very reason Ed was laying in that bed with a fever and so worn out he could barley move.
But soon the hurt returned full force with his brother's next words.
"Alphonse how could I ever hate you that's just impossible, but you have every right to hate me" his brother had turned his head away best he could letting his long bangs hide his face.
Was it possible for someone to think this little of themselves, think their life was so worthless that if they were destroyed by the one person they cared about most life wasn't worth living?
Yes, it was because if he couldn't convince his brother he cared about him what was the point of his hollow existence.
And he knew what his brother would do all too well; it wasn't like Ed hadn't tried it before.
He was about to scold his brother again when he noticed the way his shoulders shook, he knew this wasn't being caused by the fever or blood loss.
"Brother?" he asked but received no answer as he let go of his brother's hand.
That had been a mistake as with strength his brother didn't have at the moment and yet able to limply almost fall off the bed as he tried to grab at his arm.
Al reacted quickly so used to this situation from the months when his brother didn't have limbs and when the automail was still unusable.
"Brother! You're in no condition to move, are you trying to kill yourself!" he scolded for that one moment things feeling normal.
It felt like four years ago all over again, especially when Ed looked up at him tears staining his face as he asked.
"Would you even care if I was Al?" his armor stiffened with the loudest clang so far as he stared at his brother.
Ed was serious; it wasn't like four years ago when he was only feeling guilty about the transmutation.
Something else was going on right now; he had seen only one time his brother was this serious about ended his life.
And he knew if he didn't give the right answer he'd lose any chance to fix his mistake.
He lightly wondered if this was how brother felt everyday of his life, crushing guilt that felt like it could never be alleviated.
"How can you even ask me that Edward? Don't you remember what I said four years ago" he spoke repeating past words" the only reason I've been able to go on this long is because of you big brother, don't you remember if you gave up I would too" he nearly whispered as his brother lay half sprawled in his arms.
He tried to set Ed back on the bed but despite the IV's in his arm Ed refused to be moved.
"Brother?" he asked as Ed just pressed himself closer to his cold armor.
It almost brought a small wistfulness, that's right, his brother fever.
He use to crawl onto his lap during automail induced fevers all the time and at times he still did to this day, either from a nightmare or just some random excuse Ed made to save his pride.
"Then why Al? Just tell me the truth, even if it's that you hate me" was his brother serious, did he really think Al could hate him.
That brought Al's own questions now, his brother kept repeating that it was okay to hate him.
"Brother I want you to tell me the truth too" Al looked at his brother who could barely keep a grip on him.
"What do you-"Edward wasn't getting out of this one, they both had to tell the truth.
Or else this could happen again, determination now replacing his fear he spoke" you keep telling me to hate you? Why brother? Why when it's you who should hate me?" the silence that followed the worst out of all of them.
Just what was his brother really afraid of? Alphonse knew he was afraid of losing him of him leaving, but there had to be a reason.
It took awhile but the time finally came for both brothers to come clean.
-000-
He felt pathetic, half lying in Al's arms like some scared child.
But that's how he felt scared.
He didn't know why he asked Al that, he knew if they ever resolved this Alphonse wasn't going to be leaving him alone for awhile.
The rational part of his mind knew he was currently a complete wreak, he was saying things he usually wouldn't out loud.
But he felt so scared.
He asked again, asked Al why and that it was okay if Al hated him, but that he wanted the truth.
He wasn't expecting his little brother's response though, that he wanted the truth as well.
Ed tried to act dumb but Al wasn't having it, he didn't want to tell Al, he didn't want to ask but…
Wasn't this the reason they had this fallout.
They had a dangerous codependency and neither brother had ever thought about it until now, neither could live without the other it was just impossible.
Edward sighed as he finally spoke" Al do you hate me? I put you in that clunky armor, you can't eat, sleep or feel" once he started he couldn't stop everything he'd been keeping in for the last four years started to come out.
Al tried to talk but Ed just kept going" why don't you hate me Al, I took away everything from you, all because I wanted mom back and instead I took away everything from you" he was forgetting to breath as he kept going" don't you even resent me? I couldn't even make a stone because I couldn't sacrifice other people, I can't keep my promise Al!" he clenched both hands weakly, his was exerting himself far more than he should and it was beginning to take its toll on his emotions.
There was quiet for a moment before Al spoke" brother how could I hate you for saving my life, you gave up your arm for me not knowing if it would work" he began as Ed listened still afraid "if the transmutation hadn't worked you could have died, how could I hate you for that Edward" ed looked up at his brothers helmet for once not able to read his brother.
"But I-"his little brother stopped him.
"You didn't trap me brother you saved my life and I could never resent you for it" even if he had for only a moment, but Al wouldn't tell his brother that" I don't expect you to do the impossible brother, you'd never sacrifice people for your own gain that just isn't you" Ed hated how understanding his brother was being.
Because it just confused him even more" then what did I do wrong Al? Why did you…" he was getting emotional again, and honestly wanted to sleep but he couldn't without knowing Al's side of the argument" say all that, if you really don't hate me" he could feel the quiver of his brothers armor, after all he was literally in his arms.
"Remember what you told me about the fight you had with those brothers in the armor?" Ed nodded wondering were Al was going with this.
"Barry the Chopper" he felt Al's arms tighten around him as he stiffened.
The name brought back a time he buried in his mind, not even a few days after Nina's death and then Winry had been caught and he had almost.
He felt leather gently rubbing his back, what did he do to deserve such a caring little brother?
Edward would never know.
"What about him" though Ed had a bad feeling about the answer.
"They turned him into what I am, a soul bonded to armor when we fought he said things to me" Ed nodded numbly, oh he knew how that man could get into your head he wasn't surprised he got into Al's so easily" he said that I wasn't your brother and that you just gave me the memories, that I was a fake soul just a puppet" the armor shook again as Al had his head turned.
To a human it would have been uncomfortable but Al had no neck muscles to strain.
So that was why Al said all that? He didn't hate him?
"Alphonse" he heard the helmet move as a weak smile appeared on his face" were both pretty stupid aren't we" he felt the weight in his stomach begin to lessen and the hollowness begin to heal, just hearing his little brothers laughter.
"I'm sorry I believed him and after everything he did to you" Ed winced at the silent anger he heard in Al's voice.
Alphonse was rarely angry but when he did, as much as Edward wanted to hunt down the now soul bonded form of the serial killer he knew his little brother would probably beat him to the punch.
Literally
"But brother can I ask you something?" Ed looked up, Al sounded scared again and for a moment Ed started to let his fear take over again.
"What is it Al?" he asked.
"Do you know why I've been losing my memories, ever since the transmutation and I'm scared that's why I blamed you and Winry" Ed couldn't answer that truthfully as he weakly gripped Al's steel frame.
"Im sorry little brother, I don't know why but that just means we have to work harder to get your body back" the yawn he let out though didn't make the small speech very effective.
"Not so hard you tire yourself to death Ed, I don't want my body back if you're not by my side" neither could brush off the nostalgic feeling inside them as they finally made amends with both their foolishness.
"You know Winry's right, we need to talk more or else this could happen again" and even though Ed wasn't exactly the most sentimental person in the world he knew Al was right.
Anyone could take advantage of them if they didn't have more faith in each other.
"Just don't expect me to be all mushy" Ed chuckle feeling a bit of his old attitude coming back as Al's own chuckle joined in.
"Says you who's currently half using me as a pillow" Al joked back and this time Ed didn't fight the pull for sleep" really brother you'll get stiff" Al chided, he knew it would take awhile before things went back completely back to normal.
But they'd manage, they always did.
"Yeah well, whose fault is that" was another yawn that escaped Ed, as Al had one more thing he needed to get off his chest.
"I'm sorry I hurt you brother, and I also mean physically" Ed just smiled.
"You would never hurt me on purpose Al, I trust you more than I trust myself" Al never got to respond as everything decided to catch up to Ed at that moment.
Logic dictated Alphonse should have placed his brother back onto the bed, but call him selfish.
They both had nearly lost each other because of their fears and lack of communication.
So grabbing the blanket and pillow off the bed he situated his brother into a more comfortable position, being reminded of several past nights spent like this.
Things wouldn't be completely okay until they got their bodies back but until then this was enough, for Al to know his brother was safe and okay even if just for tonight.
It was enough.
At the window watching both boys through the window, a sleek black cat with golden eyes watched them both.
It almost seemed to smile as it jumped into a tree and down the branches, as was the life of a cat.
Full of mystery at every turn, maybe a black cat wasn't as unlucky as people thought they were.
I finally finished Fear and DAMN this was tough to write I must have rewrote this five or more times trying to get it perfect but now it's over, and I'm sad;-;, well now to work on Cross Roads and my new story Trisha's Relinqum, I than all my followers for the support and reviews I hope you liked it as much as I had fun writing it
Who can figure out why I used the black cat, whoever does I'll write a once shot for Fullmetal Alchemist of whatever they want or give you a shout out