A Maudlin Smile

The incessant chirp of the alarm clock tears me from my slumber. A swift slam of my hand silences its cruel siren call. As I sit up, recollecting my thoughts, I notice I am still in my school uniform from yesterday. I vaguely recall resting my head on the pillow for a moment after coming back from town.

"Dammit..."

I remember now that the Nurse had advised me to take it easy physically after my heavy dose of stupidity on the track yesterday. Looking at the time I sigh, having unknowingly robbed myself of another hour of sleep. Well, I suppose I should make the most of it. I can take some comfort in the fact that Saturday classes are only a half day.

The cafeteria is rather spacious and near empty at this time of the morning. Compared to the chaotic hustle and bustle of lunchtime I appreciate the comparative tranquillity.

Grabbing myself some slices of toast, a single pre-packaged butter and jam each, I notice a familiar head of hair standing out amongst the sparse groupings of people. Then again the golden locks and tall frame of class 3-2's representative is a hard sight to miss. I slowly make my way over to the table she occupies.

Her face looks up to my direction as I approach her. I unconsciously meet her clouded gaze.

"Good morning Lilly."

Apparently recognizing my voice, her lips turn up into a welcoming smile.

"Why good morning Hisao. I was unaware you normally had breakfast this early. Please have a seat"

Her hand gestures to the seating across from her. Accepting her invitation I sit down and begin the act of buttering up my toast.

"I don't normally. I just forgot to change my alarm this morning. Honestly I could have done with the sleep in."

I seem to have piqued Lilly's interest as she looks up from her meal.

"Oh? Did you have previous morning activities this week?"

My webbed brain still waking up doesn't feel up to the act of coming up with a believable lie. I guess I'll just be honest.

"Well the nurse had me running on the track with Emi. Unfortunately I had the genius idea of trying to race the school's track star. Nurse decided I should take it easy until next week."

Lilly's expression indicates she instantly got the implications of my statement. She takes a small sip from her styrofoam cup using the time to construct an appropriate response.

"Hisao. I'm sure the nurse probably informed you of the folly of that way of thinking. I do hope you take better care of yourself."

Her face softens to her tranquil smile as she continues.

"But how have you been settling in so far?"

Using the same methodology I take a sip from my cup of orange juice as I try to formulate an answer.

"I think I am settling in okay. Since I kept up with most of my studies in class, I don't think I have fallen behind in terms of lessons. Everybody has been very accommodating so far."

I do have other thoughts swirling around in my mind. However I don't really feel like emptying them on to Lilly. It does not seem fair to her to have to listen to the sad story of a boy who has lost most of his previous life and been thrown into a school in the middle of nowhere whose student body is a menagerie of broken people.

"So Lilly. How is the preparation for the festival coming along?"

Lilly sighs.

"The long hours of work in preparation along with... other pressures have made things stressful. But I do believe the worst of it is behind us. Our class were busy on Thursday evening finishing up the decorations for the stand. All that leaves is logistics."

The implicating of Shizune in being the cause of her problems does not escape me. Whatever issues the two have with each other, they likely run far deeper than I first expected. It certainly seems the wiser choice to not follow that train of thought.

"That seems rather rough. But I have faith that you will do an excellent job. What is it your class is doing anyway?"

Lilly smiles playfully at my compliment.

"Your flattery is duly noted Hisao. Our class is doing a noodle stand. Please feel free to come along and visit."

Lilly pauses a moment as her smile slowly wanes.

"You are planning on taking the part in the festival. Aren't you Hisao?"

While it is true I was very much undecided in whether or not I was going to attend, I am surprised Lilly was clued in to my indecision. It is likely just expected that I would go. So why is she airing her doubts like this? I suppose I should at least try and find out.

"What makes you doubt that I was going to go?"

Having finished her breakfast Lilly takes a small sip from her cup before putting it down. Her empty gaze faces me. Her look of open concern is like that of a mother whose child who has come home with a black eye and a torn shirt.

"Hisao."

She pauses, clearly unsure of how to continue.

"I know we have only talked a few times since you have transferred here. I know I am unaware of your circumstances. Nor do I wish to pry into them. However, I can hear the weight of their burden in your voice."

I really wish I was better at hiding my emotions. Having a near total stranger who I have talked to only a handful of times shouldering some of my intimate emotional burdens is uncomfortable to say the least. Nevertheless, she continues.

"A lot of students come to this school with their own burdens. They keep to themselves and shut themselves away in their own despair. I don't wish for that to happen to you. All I request is that you find somebody you can open up to. You may be surprised at how willing people here are to take on your troubles. We all... we all have our own circumstances."

I'm really unsure how to react. Part of me just wants Lilly to stick her nose out of my problems. Even if her heart is in the right place. She admits she doesn't know what led to me being here. And frankly, I really don't want her to know. On the other hand, her intentions are good, and she does appear to have my best interests at heart.

"I'll keep that in mind, Lilly. I do have people I have opened up to. If only a little bit."

Lilly's expression changes into a look of mild amusement.

"Miss Komaki and Miss Kawana if I recall correctly."

How? How does she know that? Of course, I forget how close her and Hanako are. As she reaches to pick up her tray I reach and grab it.

"I'll take care of it, Lilly."

Lilly smiles and nods her head.

"Thank you for your company Hisao. And please remember. Take care of yourself."

As the tapping of Lilly's cane emanates through the dining hall I am left alone with my thoughts. If Lilly could detect my depression, is it the same with the others? Why the smile of amusement at my hanging around Ikuno and Kawana? Is my emotional state so obvious? Are they sticking around me out of pity? To simply stop me from throwing myself off the roof? A black mood envelopes me as I finish my toast.

The black cloud in my head decides to follow me as I make my way to the classroom. I just want to be alone for a while, but I don't really feel like making the journey back to my room. I suppose since it's early I can make my way to the classroom and have some quiet time alone with my thoughts before class.

As I open the door to the classroom my hopes are promptly dashed. Sitting down at the front with her face planted firmly in a textbook is a familiar teal haired classmate. Lazily turning her head, her bleary eyes register my presence. She slowly raises her head and body upright as her eyes obviously struggle to focus on me.

"G'mornin Hisao. You're early."

"Yeah. I had an incessant mechanical friend eager to have me awake. But it seems you are even earlier."

Suzu's expression darkens as her eyes narrow at me.

"I never left."

I look at the bleary eyed Suzu and towards her textbook. A large wet puddle of drool darkens a significant portion of the page. I feel like I've again tripped a land mine. It really is difficult navigating this unfamiliar social landscape without stepping on somebody's toes. Prosthetic or otherwise. Suzu's face slowly turns into a wicked grin as she starts laughing.

"Gotcha Hisao. I'm just messing with you. I only came in a half hour ago. I think. I woke up early and thought I'd try and avoid an incessant non-mechanical friend eager to have me awake "

There is little doubt in my mind regarding the identity of this "non-mechanical friend".

"I can't imagine Miki being a pleasant means of waking up from a bad night's sleep. You should be thankful she doesn't have a key, that way she's only limited at hammering on the door."

Suzu sighs loudly in exasperation.

"Who said she didn't have a key?"

I wince at Suzu's explanation. Maybe it's growing up without any siblings, but I treasured my room as a sacrosanct place. The very idea of one of my peers being able to come in at any moment registers as being utterly horrifying. Although having born witness to Suzu's sudden bouts of sleep, I can completely understand entrusting a key to a close friend to make sure she hasn't fallen asleep suddenly and hurt herself. My name doesn't need to be Hercule Poirot to figure out that the brace on her knee was likely due to such a situation.

"So Suzu. Does Yamaku encourage students to look out for each other? You know, health wise."

I decide to try to delicately broach the subject. Even though Suzu has been anything but delicate. Nice enough, but blunt. She wearily nods her head, deigning to provide the info dump.

"Yeah. They generally encourage us to keep an eye out on our friends. Particularly our neighbours in the dorms."

I pause a moment as this realization hits me.

"So. We are meant to make sure our neighbours are in good health. Physical and mental?"

Suzu simply gives a small nod in response. Seemingly she notices my expression as she leans forward in concern.

"Why? Who are you next to in the dorms?"

"Kenji... Setou..."

Her face gradually falls as the revelation sinks in.

"My condolences."

Silence permeates the room for a minute. I listen to the sounds of students mingling in the halls. The silence of our class is broken as Suzu speaks up.

"But you seem to be getting along rather well with Ikuno and Kawana. So all is not lost. Ikuno in particular has been talking about you most of the week."

Ikuno has been talking about me most of this week? But I only really met her on Thursday? Surely Suzu must have made a mistake. I suppose though I am the new guy so I would be some sort of novelty at the moment. Even though I spent my first few days just helping the student council out. What there was of it anyway.

"You seem rather astute about the goings on of our class. Considering you seem to spend most of it asleep."

Suzu's expression changes to a small smirk, reminiscent of Shizune when she gets one of her ideas.

"I'll let you in on a secret. I'm not asleep like that all the time. It's a nice way to get a grasp of what's going on when I'm out."

I find her explanation rather difficult to believe. I think she really is just holding out for the latest gossip like any normal teenager. However common sense is telling me calling her out on that would be a foolish idea.

Suzu smiles at me and continues.

"And I have faith that you wouldn't disclose that little secret to anybody."

"Oh? And why are you so sure?"

Suzu's smile morphs into a wicked grin as she points a finger towards me.

"Because I'll just have to tell Miki that you tried to touch me inappropriately while you thought I was asleep."

I am confident that even without my heart troubles, I would be unlikely to survive the consequences of such an accusation. I sigh in resignation and wave her hand away.

"Fine fine. We have a deal."

It's not long after that enlightening (albeit disturbing) conversation that other members of our class start filtering in bit by bit. Ikuno, having just entered, spots me at my desk and enthusiastically waves while bounding over to me as if I had returned from a year long journey for enlightenment. Her smile is as bright as ever, but her eyes show the obvious concern.

"Hisao! How are you doing this morning? Are you okay? You didn't overexert yourself yesterday did you?"

I shake my head and wave a hand away as to dismiss her concerns.

"I'm okay. I just ended up sleeping like a rock the second my head hit the pillow. My sleeping patterns had been thrown off because of my meds. It's probably just what I needed."

It was only the half truth. But the last thing I needed was being smothered with concern. I already had enough of that from my friends in a previous life. Ikuno stares into my eyes, scrutinizing me as if she was some kind of lie detector. Her expression relaxes a bit as if happy with what she saw.

"Well that's a relief. I'd hate to have a new friend end up back in the hospital."

She already considers me a friend? But we've only just met properly two days ago. I don't mind the idea. Is this more pity? Realistically I cannot see Ikuno being able to hide anything like that. I want to accept her friendship at face value. But there is a small part of me that tells me she is tolerating my presence out of pity. After all, Lilly did say that many students simply shut themselves off to the world to wallow in their despair.

I've had more than my serving of despair. I can picture faces of my friends staring down at me in that white, sterilized room. To think that it's happening again, in a place that was supposedly a new start.

"Good morning Misaki!"

The greeting snaps me out of my thoughts as Kawana makes her way to where we are clustered. Maintaining her typical, disciplined stride she gently bows her head in greeting to us both.

"Good morning Ikuno. Good morning Nakai."

I casually wave my hand in greeting.

"Good morning Kawana. Are we all set for this afternoon?"

Kawana nods in response to my question.

"I have everything that we will need. Please meet me half an hour after class beneath the tree, where the path separates for the boys and girls dorm."

I give Kawana the thumbs up acknowledging her instructions.

"I will see you then. I'm glad to help."

"Huh? What are you two planning?"

Seeming both agitated and curious, Ikuno finally manages to get a word in.

The midday is far less oppressive in the shade of the tree that Kawana designated as our rendezvous. Once most of the students dispersed from class after midday, the sounds of last minute preparations for the festival dominated the atmosphere.

The irony of the situation does not escape me. I am waiting beneath the tree in summer for a cute girl. I can only hope I don't cause her to have a heart attack and ruin her life.

I wonder how much she blamed herself for what happened? Not that it matters. She wasn't the one whose life had been uprooted. She's not the one whose life expectancy had been so greatly reduced. She's not the one who lives in fear of a simple bump to the chest meaning a trip to the hospital or even worse.

My reverie is cut short by the loud, distinct rattling of some kind of trolley or cart being pushed along the pavement. Looking towards the sound's origin I see Kawana pushing one of the three tray dining carts used in the cafeteria. The cart is loaded down with the distinct bowls and tools used in ikebana, flower pots, some large bottles of water, the familiar flowers that we picked up yesterday, what appears to be a thermos and a basket wrapped in cloth. I then notice a small blanket as the sole occupant of the lower tray on the cart.

Hurrying over to where she is I wave in greeting. I offer to take the burden of the trolley, which she graciously accepts.

"So, Kawana, where are we headed?"

"I thought that we could proceed to the tree where we had lunch on Thursday. Most of the festival stalls will be located on the other side of the school grounds so it should be rather peaceful there. That will be an ideal spot to work."

I follow Kawana's lead to the now familiar spot. The walk is in a rather comfortable silence. The rattling of the cart makes any kind of small talk all the more difficult. The final portion of our short journey is made a little more difficult by needing to go 'off road' with the cart. Fortunately, the relatively dry weather ensured the ground was not too wet.

I park the cart and lay the blanket in the shade of the tree. Meanwhile, Kawana begins collecting the various items from the cart and sets the various items up in two positions across from each other. We sit down as Kawana begins assembling the first arrangement. Cautiously, I begin mimicking her actions. Having read about ikebana before, I find the process familiar enough. While my efforts are no match for Kawana's experienced hands, they seem passable.

With my second effort I find I do not have to concentrate as intensely. Every now and then I look up at my partner. Expecting to see a familiar look of intense concentration, I am surprised to see that she seems to be almost looking through the ikebana piece. A sense of tranquillity seems to permeate from her.

Her eyes glance up and meet mine.

"Is something the matter Nakai?"

Her tone seems more relaxed and feminine than I am used to hearing from her, it takes me a moment to comprehend and answer.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just noticed how relaxed you seem to be doing this."

She smiles at me, still the familiar small smile I have been used to.

"I do find this activity relaxing. I really have not had a chance to practice it since I last went home."

Home? It is strange to think, but of course everybody here came from somewhere. They didn't just sprout from the Earth. My curiosity piqued I have to ask.

"Oh? And where would home be? If you don't mind me asking."

Kawana waves her hand, dismissing my concern.

"I am from Kyoto. Arashiyama to be precise. My family owns a small ryokan there."

It is not hard to imagine a much younger Kawana, clad in a tiny kimono, politely bowing to the ryokan's guests and welcoming them to their humble accommodation. I find the image to be awfully cute.

"Arashiyama. I imagine the bamboo groves there would be beautiful. And I am going to guess that you have amassed quite the collection of beautiful photos of them too."

"You would be correct. The bamboo groves, in the right light with the correct aperture can come out looking wonderful."

Her expression turns playful as she continues.

"Now it is my turn Nakai. Where did you call home before coming here?"

As they say, turnabout is fair play. Even if the past is still a touchy subject for me, it is only fair since I asked her the exact same thing.

"I grew up in Chiba. I know, I'm a boring city boy."

"I do not find it boring. It is quite the opposite. Learning where somebody is from, what they have done. Learning what has made them who they are. I find that deeply interesting."

We slowly return to silence as I continue on with my arrangements. The second arrangement has come together significantly better than the first. As I begin the third I am starting to feel more relaxed. The distant noise of the last minute festival preparations melt into a pleasant white noise.

In what feels like a few moments but was likely longer, I finish my fourth arrangement. Taking a moment to admire it I notice Kawana looking across at me and the arrangement. She nods to me in approval.

"You have certainly caught on rather quickly to the process. I know you have a familiarity with ikebana. If you do not mind me asking. How did you come to know so much about it?"

I'm not surprised at this line of questioning. It is particularly unusual for a boy to know much about ikebana, a distinctly feminine activity. And I am the mysterious transfer student after all. However, I can't help but feel my mind recede into that dark place while even thinking about this topic. I figure out a more diplomatic answer in my head.

"I had a friend who was interested in ikebana. I wanted to understand them better so I found myself reading various books on the subject."

What I said is not a lie. Well, not a complete lie. I doubt I would have ever called Iwanako a friend. In fact, before that snowy day I don't believe I said anything to her more substantial than some variation of hello or goodbye.

Kawana's lips curl up into a sly smile. She clearly perceives there is much more to my explanation than I am letting on.

"Did you confess to her?"

And there it is. I can feel myself freeze up. My muscles in my arms tense up, feeling like stone. This is too much. I'm not ready. The wound is raw, and festering. I slowly take in a long breath, trying to calm my nerves and bring order to the maelstrom in my mind.

"That is a long story Kawana. Please forgive me but I do not feel ready to tell that one yet."

Kawana's sly smile falls into a look of concern. But she slowly nods her head, seemingly accepting my explanation.

"I apologise for my undue questioning. Please be aware though, that if you ever do feel ready that I will be willing to listen."

Kawana's response is delivered in the same cool, methodical manner I have grown rather familiar with in these past few days. However, something about the wording gives me a sense of relief.

We continue on with our work falling back into a peaceful silence. Before I know it I have completed two more arrangements. The serenity of the moment is then suddenly betrayed by my body, my stomach begins a rumbling demand for sustenance.

Kawana looks up from her work and stares at me a moment. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks, well aware that I am likely blushing. Kawana stifles a fit of giggling from my embarrassment.

"I will presume that you would like to stop for some lunch?"

"Ummm... sure."

Kawana simply nods and stands up, making her way over to the cart. She picks up the thermos, a pair of plastic cups and the wrapped basket. Returning with the items she proceeds to lay them out in front of us.

"I hope you don't mind. I thought some simple onigiri would be suitable."

She proceeds to methodically unwrap the basket and open the lid, revealing several rows of triangular rice balls, She opens up the thermos and pours the contents into one of the plastic cups.

"Please take this."

Handing me the cup, I smell the refreshing scent of green tea. Kawana finishes pouring her own cup and resealing the thermos. She then places her hands together in the same familiar motion I saw her do on Thursday.

"Thank you for the food."

She then proceeds to take a small sip from the cup. Doing the same I recognise the very gentle bitterness of sencha tea.

"Is this the tea that you bought last night?"

Kawana nods.

"Yes. I thought it would be nice with this weather."

She gestures with her hand towards the onigiri in the box between us.

"Please help yourself."

I take one of the onigiri and take a bite.

"This is really good Kawana. Although I feel guilty. Now both of you have fed me and I haven't made anything in return."

Misaki raises an eyebrow.

"You can cook?"

I shake my head laughing.

"You saw my shopping yesterday. My cooking ability extends to the fine art of pouring boiled water on instant ramen."

Kawana takes a small bite out of her onigiri before replying.

"It takes a fine culinary artist to get that correct. So your mother did most of the cooking for you?"

I shake my head.

"Not exactly. Both my parents worked long hours. So I was left at home alone a lot. I just uh... never really taught myself how to cook."

The confession is one I find myself being embarrassed about. Rather than bothering to learn a useful skill, even while having the opportunity and necessity, I simply lived off the culinary equivalent of trash. Maybe it was some stupid perception that such an activity is not manly.

"Ikuno is better at cooking than I am."

The statement seems to come out of the blue. I shake my head at her admonishment.

"I would like to disagree. I have had a lunchbox she made and onigiri you made. It's not exactly a fair basis of comparison."

We fall back into silence, taking our time to enjoy the meal. It's not long before the onigiri are finished and we both enjoy another cup of tea, I notice Kawana staring at me as I sip on my tea. Unable to continue drinking under the scrutiny I pause.

"Is something the matter Kawana?"

"I have to ask. Are we a bother to you?"

I shake my head.

"No. Not at all. I enjoy your company. Why do you ask?"

Kawana leans forward, taking in a breath. Even as frank as she is, I guess even Kawana has moments of hesitation just like any other person.

"Since you have come to Yamaku. I have noticed. You have never laughed, or even smiled. I am sure you have your reasons. And I saw how much pressure Shizune and Misha put on you. We didn't want it to be the same way. Ikuno is very sweet. She'd never want to push you into being uncomfortable."

Despite seeming to be babbling, I think I get the message. It really is reassuring to know their attempts at friendship seem to be genuine. I know I have not exactly been a ball of sunshine these last few months. Having a heart attack as a teenager is likely to do that.

"You're right Kawana. These months have been rather unkind to me. But if I'm to be honest, I've really liked hanging out with you guys. And I'm thankful at both of you for putting up with me."

Kawana shakes her head.

"It's not a problem Nakai. If you pardon me asking another question. What do you think of Ikuno?"

I find the question to be both vague, yet incredibly direct. I'm not sure what Kawana's agenda is in bringing it up, but I feel that honesty will be the best policy.

"I find her to be a bit of a worrywart, but ultimately very kind. She seems relentlessly cheerful, but in a much more gentle way than say, Misha. But I feel she seems to be worried about not living up to some invisible standard. Overall I like her."

Misaki closes her eyes, clearly contemplating my answer.

"I agree with you. Ikuno is a sweet girl. She is also an important friend. You two will get along very well. I think once I finish this last piece we should be able to call it a day."

Kawana puts the finishing touches on her last arrangement. We begin packing everything up on the cart. The ten pieces we have completed together (four by myself and six by Kawana) are delicately arranged on the top and second tray, with the leftover supplies and blanket and lunch accoutrements occupying the bottom tray.

As I push the cart along the road I look to my companion who walks beside me. I find myself feeling much more comfortable in her company than I expected. Despite the odd bit of penetrating conversation, our time was spent in a silence I found oddly comfortable.

As we approach the tree and bench that sat beside the fork in the road to the dorms Kawana stops.

"I can take the cart from here. I need to deliver this to Class 2-2."

As she takes the handle of the cart from me she smiles.

"I thank you for assisting me today. You did a great job. I doubt I would have been able to do so many without your help."

I find myself flustered at her gratitude. Thankfully Kawana continues.

"I have meant to ask. What are you planning to do for the festival tomorrow?"

I really had not thought about it. The whirlwind of activity I found myself in after being left in the static, unmoving environment of a hospital had me reeling these past few days.

"Umm. Nothing really. I haven't thought about it."

Kawana looks at me for a moment. The silence of her look seems oppressive when accompanied by the focused gaze.

"Would you like to join Ikuno and myself? We would both be happy to have your company."

After the previous conversation that proved my apprehension to be rather unfounded, I find the invitation to be welcome.

"I would be glad to. Where and when should we meet up?"

Kawana pauses for a moment clearly having not completely thought this through.

"How about right here at eleven?"

I nod my head in agreement.

"It sounds like a plan. I will see you tomorrow then?"

Kawana nods.

"Yes. I will see you tomorrow. And Nakai. I enjoyed our time this afternoon. Thank you."

I find myself a little tongue tied a moment at her compliment.

"I did too."

Smooth Hisao. Really smooth.

Kawana smiles and nods her head before walking back to the school with the cart rattling its song. I give her a small wave before making my way back to my dorm.

That's the second day in a row that has concluded with an invitation from this girl. I find myself looking forward to tomorrow. While I have only just met these two, I feel more confident in calling them friends. It is certainly a step forward from brooding alone in a hospital.

I should have an early night tonight. I don't know why, but I feel I should look my best tomorrow. I have a feeling it's going to be a big day.