Scene Four

Spike is back in his hole in the hellmouth where "he belongs" he has managed to get out of the straightjacket and is now dressed in the same smelly outfit that he has had since he left for Africa.

SPIKE: I am wrong, this is all my fault. I should stay away from all of them...Buffy doesn't deserve to be within miles of the likes of my eeevil ass.

Enter Dawn

DAWN: Damn straight she doesn't.

Dawn runs up to Spike in full Slayer attack mode...Spike holds out one hand and nonchalantly stops her and forces her to sit down.

SPIKE: Whoa there, little bit.

DAWN: Don't mess with me, I'm Dawn the---I wonder what the hell they'll call the show when Buffy leaves...

A moment of silence as the two ponder this.

SPIKE: Let's not fret about that. What's with the attack?

DAWN: You tried to rape Buffy. And I am fully prepared to kill you for it, I am an EMPOWERED woman!

SPIKE: (laughs) Great, so big sis is letting you do this why?

DAWN: She wants to show me the world.

SPIKE: Hmm, that sounds like a crappy excuse for her to give you something to do and make you much less depressing.

DAWN: I'll kick you with my giant black high heels of death!

SPIKE: Interesting as that would be to watch, I think we'll just go for the old fashioned talking....(tilts head) I'm sorry for what I did-tried to do- to your sister. In fact, I didn't want to do it. The Marti lady came and threatened my paycheck.

DAWN: Whatever, Xander says you're eeeeeevil. Xander knows what he's talking about, did you hear that he's rich?

SPIKE: Fantastic. Look, Dawn, I know that you and your sister are mad--

Enter Buffy.

BUFFY: DAWN! What are you doing down here? If I let you walk around in this filth no one will believe that you're good looking enough to carry a show! Besides, it's dangerous, and I LOVE you Dawnie.

DAWN: I was going to kill Spike.

BUFFY: Dawn, how can you say such a thing?!?

DAWN: HE TRIED TO RAPE YOU!

BUFFY AND SPIKE: Well, that was really just a Marti thing...we're choosing to ignore it.

DAWN: So, what does that mean? You guys are together now?

A pause while Dawn thinks about this.

DAWN: Great!

Dawn is joined by Kit and Carlos at the foot of Spike's hellmouth pad.

KIT: Hi there Spike. I'm Will- I'm Kit!

CARLOS: Hey, my main man. I'm Xand- I'm Carlos!

SPIKE: Yeah, I saw you before...(to Buffy) What are they doing here?

BUFFY: Hey now Spike, these are people that I LOVE.

SPIKE: But you've only just met them! You Scoobies don't let anyone into your inner circle!

BUFFY: How dare you say that about the most important storyline of the year? These kids are going to help us fight the forces of eeevil.

SPIKE: Hmm, well, that should kill them in a week, I guess we won't be getting too attached then.

BUFFY: Nope, they'll just be here long enough to force Dawn down everyone's throat.

SPIKE: That seems a little pushy...is there even time?

BUFFY: We're making time! From this point on you'll only appear when you have something mean or crazy to say! We'll just forget to film all the good things you do.

DAWN: Kit! Carlos! Let's go kick some demon-y booty!

BUFFY: Yeah, Dawn, you go do that.

DAWN: You don't want to come?

BUFFY: I think you're EMPOWERED enough without me...besides, I don't really care what happens to you...I mean, I TRUST you Dawnie.

DAWN: Oh! Thanks!

The Giant worm that tried to attack Nancy and Xander appears, all stare at it. Spike goes to attack it, Buffy stops him.

BUFFY: Sp-i-ke! Stoppit!

SPIKE: OH, balls, don't tell me you want to die again!

BUFFY: I NEVER wanted to D-IE!

SPIKE: What?

BUFFY: Dawn, Kit, and Carlos have to kill it! You and I aren't allowed to kill anything!

Dawn lunges at the worm along with Kit and Carlos. The worm immediately beats them nearly to death.

GIANT WORM: I'm the bad cgi-effect of the week! I'm an abusive stalker coming to claim my gal now that I've made "some changes".

BUFFY: What kind of changes?

GIANT WORM: I was human, then I asked this guy to remove my soul and turn me into an alcoholic worm!!! Gr, Argh!!!

Enter Xander and Nancy

XANDER: WOW! That giant worm is just like Spike! And ABUSIVE, EEEEEEVIL, ALCOHOLIC!!!!

BUFFY AND SPIKE: Well, not really.

BUFFY: --but, okay! I guess if Xander thinks he's like Spike...

Enter Anya

ANYA: Hi.

BUFFY: Anya! My good friend Anya! I've missed you! Where did you go?

ANYA: I didn't go anywhere. And since when are you my frien- Hey! Spike's back!

Anya runs over and gives Spike a hug

BUFFY: Hey! Don't be nice to Spike! Xander, what is she doing?

XANDER: It's a demon thing.

BUFFY: You guys are NOT allowed to have sex!

ANYA: Not planning on it.

BUFFY: So...Anya...Now that the magic box is gone, what are you going to do?

ANYA: Well, I have no soul, so I'll have to become evil. I'm supposed to move into Spike's old crypt very soon. I'm also supposed to show up whenever there's a monster to help you all out.

BUFFY: That doesn't sound very eevil.

SPIKE: According to you all it is! For years I helpe-

ALL BUT SPIKE: Shut up!

DAWN: Spike, don't try and use the STORY as evidence that you are good! Marti gave us these tapes that repeat the same phrase over and over...

DAWN, KIT, CARLOS: "REMEMBER THE RAPE", "REMEMBER THE RAPE"

XANDER: That's right you evil undead British dude with bad hair! Did I mention I'm rich?

GIANT WORM: XANDER HARRIS!!!

XANDER: What?!?!

GIANT WORM: I'm here to parallel your abusive alcoholic story line! By the way, I'm your new girlfriends ex!

They all turn to face Anya.

ANYA: What? I don't care if he has a girlfriend...I'm eevil.

All turn to face Xander.

XANDER: No, dude, you're definitely, after Spike, he's the show's official punching bag!

ANYA, NANCY: Well, he really does remind me more of Xander.

XANDER: No way! The script says I've got money and high school mojo again!

BUFFY: What mojo?

XANDER: I was cool, remember?

BUFFY: Umm, oh yeah!

Enter Willow.

ALL: GASP!

BUFFY: Willow! Meet our new best friends: Nancy, Ronnie, Carlos, and Kit!

WILLOW: Hi guys.

Dawn runs to give Willow a hug, along with Buffy.

SPIKE: Didn't she try to kill you all? I didn't do that and no one hugged me! Plus! I'm depressed and INSANE, and I've gone to extreme lengths to be whatever you all want me to be!

BUFFY: Why?

SPIKE: Because I don't want to be Beneat-

BUFFY: Willow! What are you doing here?

WILLOW: I felt a very dark power rising in Sunnydale.

CARLOS: Who died and made you Kendra?

WILLOW: Well, first of all, I can't use magic anymore because it made Buffy look less important. I got addicted and now I'm CLEAN! (Applause from Buffy and Xander) Second of all, how do you know about Kendra?

CARLOS: We know everything that happened in Seasons 1-3.

WILLOW: What about the next three years.

SPIKE: Yeah, the next three years are very important to m-

CARLOS: Marti says to pretend that none of that happened, they say no one will notice!

WILLOW: Great! That makes me a good straight gal still!

Smiles from all but Spike...and Anya, who is now very bored and growing more veins by the minute.

DAWN: So, Willow, what power was rising? Was it the Giant worm?

WILLOW: No way. That thing is just here because we needed something to talk about...we needed a way to make this entire episode about Xander to draw in viewers!

SPIKE: Let me get this straight. Willow returned this episode, I've just gotten back from Africa, and all the fans thought this was to be Fool For Love, Part II. And you find a way to make this about XANDER?

DAWN: Hey! Where'd the worm go?

NANCY: HE got bored and went to go see a movie with the audience.

BUFFY: Umm, well, let's go look for it! I'm the slayer!...Hey, I know! DawnIE, go get my new BOYfriend Principal Wood! He can help us.

Spike rolls his eyes, all but and Spike exit.

WILLOW: Spike, I understand that we suddenly have a lot in common.

SPIKE: Yeah, I guess we could help each other out.

WILLOW: We could, but I'd like to ignore that...there's already way to much sympathy for you for all my fans to start liking you too. Besides...you're eeevil, and I'm a saint!

Willow exits, leaving Spike and his thankfully large pack of cigarettes.