Chapter 3

Car seats were stupid. Who invented these damn things? I needed a degree in rocket science to get this in the car.

Kurt came out to check if I had it buckled correctly. No doubt cause Rach called him. Whatever.

"Where's the bug?" I asked him.

"Inside with Satan." He smiled, checking the straps.

"You checking up on me?"

He shook her head. "No, Miss Paranoid. I'm just helping."

"Maybe I should just leave her here? It's gonna be dark soon and… you know, she'll be here when we get back."

He shook his head. "You're trying to fit in a quickie with Rachel." He smacked my arm. "That's gross. Eww."

"No I'm not!" I shut the car door. "I'm just nervous, jackass." I looked up at the sky. "I cannot wait for Rachel to be home. I can't believe she trusted me to stay with her an entire week by myself."

He patted my arm. "And look at you. She survived." He smiled at me. "You're a good mom, Quinn."

When I woke up the next morning, I at least knew where I was. However, it took a few moments of clarity to remember what I had done the night before. How was that okay? One night of drinking, and I'm all "let's make this relationship just a tad bit more complicated for our daily amusement." Jesus.

She wasn't in bed with me. But she was in the house. I could hear her banging around in the kitchen.

She handed me a cup of coffee. "I can get you some aspirin if you want."

I shook my head. "I'm good," I told her. I took the cup of coffee. "I don't really have hangovers that much anymore."

She nodded. "Still have that Cheerio metabolism," she said.

"More like alcoholic metabolism, but whatever." I took a drink of the coffee. "Want me to make you breakfast?"

She shook her head. "No. Coffee's enough." She had on a bathing suit, with a small skirt wrapped around it. Her hair was pulled back in a bun.

It was dark last night. And I hadn't been in what you could call " a right mind" for a while now. But it was the first time I'd noticed how skinny she was. "You haven't eaten a lot since we've gotten here," I ventured.

"I'm not hungry a lot," she sighed. She looked outside. "I've really missed…"

I wanted to tell her I had to.

"...the beach," she finished.

Glad I didn't say anything.

"I want to just go sit outside for a while." She moved around me. And then turned around. "I'm not going to… I'm not going swimming."

I nodded at her. "Why don't you stay up by the pool?" So I can see you, I didn't say.

She looked like she wanted to say no, but instead just nodded. "Okay," she finally said. "I owe you that." She pulled open the door. "You can come with me, if you want I mean. I'm okay with that."

"You seem like you need alone time," I told her.

"Ha," she scoffed. "Alone time is about all I've had for a while now. Maybe I'm tired of alone time."

I watched her walk out and decided I would join her. What the hell else did we have to do here? Yesterday, she'd bought us both bathing suits. Said we'd need them. I mean we were in the Caribbean, so obviously a bathing suit would be handy. I'd just brushed her off and said "get me whatever," because she knew what I liked.

I pulled the suit out of the bag. And apparently she'd forgotten. I ran back outside, suit in hand. "Uh… is this yours? Where's the one you bought me?"

She looked over her sunglasses at me. "That is the one I bought you."

I shook my head. "Uh no. No it's not." I winced. "I'm going naked."

"No you're not." She sat up. "Put it on and stop being a baby."

"It's purple," I whined. "Like light purple…" I hadn't worn a stitch of pastel in over ten years.

She sighed. "Lavender."

"It's got little bows on the hips. Bows," I whined. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You look good in lavender," she half-smiled. "Besides, you want a different bathing suit, you can pick it out yourself." She lay back again. "Because all I recall is, 'just get me whatever,' and that's what I did."

"This is a punishment for something, isn't it?" I continued to whine. "I've been trying to escape bows my entire adult life. I haven't worn a bow since I was eighteen. Not once."

She shrugged, disinterested. "You haven't done anything that needs punishing, you big whiner. Just go put the thing on and stop crying about it."

"Whatever," I huffed, walking back inside. I sat down and looked at the sun through the window. It was a pretty day. And it was warm. And I didn't want to sit in here all day sulking. Plus maybe Rachel and I could, you know, talk or something. Aw fuck it… I got undressed and put it on.

When I walked out, she was trying her damndest not to laugh. "Nice," she whistled.

"Shut up," I muttered, sitting down on a lounge chair on the other side of the pool. I lay back and crossed my arms.

She sat her chair up. "Why are you sitting all the way over there?"

I didn't rise up. "Because I look like a flower. And I clash with that little green number you've got on."

She laughed. "I think you look sweet."

Sweet. Ugh. Fuck that. I sat up quickly and ripped my top off.

"What are you doing?" She yelled.

I looked around. "No one but you and me, Berry. Not like you haven't seen them before. No way I'm staying in that thing all day. And I don't want tan lines." At least I could get rid of half of it.

"Put it back on," she said, looking around to see if someone had magically popped up and saw my boobs or something equally ridiculous.

"No. One. Is. Here." I told her. "Relax."

"Ugh," she huffed. "Just keep the bottoms on."

"Deal," I told her standing up. I reached down and ripped the little bows off.

"Quinn!"

"What? I didn't tear it."

She groaned, and flipped over on her stomach. "Fine. I'm taking a nap."

I shrugged, not that she saw me… and then jumped in the water. "Whatever," I called when I came up.

She didn't say anything but I could see her laughing. Even if she was trying to hide it. I don't know why, but that made me feel better than anything had in a long time.

After I'd swam a few laps, I hopped out of the pool where she was sitting. She was sitting up with her arms around legs.

"Are you going to put your top on?"

I shrugged and grabbed a towel to dry my hair. "Does it bother you?"

She shrugged back. "I don't care." She looked around. "Why did we never leave New York?"

It was definitely a loaded question. I'd spent a lot of the past year asking myself similar questions. Would things have been different? "I don't know," I finally said.

She nodded. "Do you think things are supposed to happen? Fate and what not?"

"I have no idea." I sat down on the chair next to her and wrapped the towel around me.

"I spend a lot of time thinking about that. How things could've been different. If I'd been in the car that night… maybe I would have seen something…"

I wasn't sure I could talk about this. "There was nothing to see."

She nodded again. "I know." She closed her eyes. "When you were in the hospital…"

I stood up. "Don't…"

She moved her chair back so that she was lying down and covered her face. "You were…"

I moved closer to her. "Rachel! Don't… I can't…"

She opened her eyes and looked at me. "I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, Quinn." She sighed. "I wanted to talk to you, but… you weren't there. I just don't understand how you'd moved on."

I'd left a bottle of bourbon on the table last night. I moved to get it and took a couple of drinks. "I haven't moved on. I just move around. There's a big difference." I took another drink.

She motioned with her hand for me to come back. I sat down on the edge of her chair. She took the bottle from me and sat it on the ground. "How much do you drink?"

I looked at the bottle and then back at her face. "I don't know how to answer that."

She frowned at me. "Is it every night?"

I took a deep breath. Was I supposed to be honest? What was the point of all of this?

She seemed to notice that I wasn't going to talk, so she picked up the bottle and took a drink. She wrinkled her face in disgust and held the bottle out so she could look at it. "Does this make it easier?"

I took it from her. "If I drink enough of it." I took a swig. "Maybe not easier. Just makes it numb. Numb is good."

She shook her head. "I don't like it."

I stood up. "Well, I don't like that you don't eat." I moved to the other chair. "Or that you found someone else." I sat back and closed my eyes. "I heard her say she loved you."

"Yeah," she whispered. "She does."

I felt my stomach clinch. "Do you love her?"

She didn't answer me.

I took another drink. She was staring past me, at the ocean. I'd thought I lost her and decided to just finish the bottle when she finally spoke. "I don't blame you," she whispered. "Not anymore."

"But you did," I murmured.

She nodded slowly. "I had to blame someone."

Me too. "It's all good. I blame myself too. So we at least agree on that." I wrapped the towel tighter around me. "Is this where you want to be? Here with me?"

"I used to think that seeing you again would make it all come back."

"Does it?"

"I don't know. In some ways – yes. But, in other ways… all I know is that I couldn't be there anymore. I can't believe I stayed as long as I did…"

I turned over and buried my head under my arms. "I dream about it a lot." I paused to see if she would stop me. She didn't. "That night." I paused again. I could hear her breathing but she wasn't saying anything. "Everything I could have done differently, I've dreamt about. I still remember those little sounds she made. But not when I'm awake. I can't remember it when I'm awake." I swallowed.

"I can't either," she whispered.

I rose up and looked at her.

She looked away. "At some point, I stopped thinking about it all the time. Like one day there was a few minutes when I didn't think about her. And then a few hours. I remember the first time I really smiled. Laughed. I always felt sick afterwards." She frowned. "Sam told me about L.A."

I looked away. "Wasn't his place." And he apparently couldn't keep a fucking secret to save his life.

She shrugged. "I guess he felt differently. He said it took him a while to figure out what you were really doing."

"Didn't work, did it?" I sighed. "I kept finding myself in sleazier and sleazier places." I laughed mockingly. "Ironic, huh? Someone with a death wish – ripe for the picking – and not one of the assholes I came across could finish the job." I took another drink. "I figured death was too good for me."

She frowned again. "Well maybe you're right… maybe we're not finished. Maybe there is such a thing as fate."

"Maybe," I told her. "I feel fucking finished though."

She nodded. "Me too."

After we talked, I drank the rest of the bottle and fell asleep in the chair. When I woke, she wasn't outside. I couldn't feel her and I started to panic. I scanned the shoreline… just in case. No Rachel. I went inside. "Rachel!"

She didn't answer.

I waited about ten minutes before the real fear started to set in. What if she did something? What if she was in the ocean right now? What if she left and decided to go back to Lima? I was on the verge of actual tears when the door opened.

"Hey!" She said brightly.

"Rachel!" I ran over to her and grabbed her shoulders. "I almost called Kurt." I shook her. "Where the hell have you been?!"

She cocked her head at me. "Did you not get my note?"

What the fuck? "What note?"

"On the refrigerator…" She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of paper off the fridge. "See? 'Quinn I went to town. Be back after lunch.'" She read to me. "I figured you'd see it."

I shook my head violently. "No! No I didn't see it!"

She rubbed my arm. "Okay. Well calm down." She smiled softly. "I'm back. It's okay."

I nodded and tried to control my breathing. "Okay," I finally said.

She pulled something out of one of the bags I'd just now noticed she was carrying. "I got you a different bathing suit. See?" She said, holding it up. "Black. Is that better?"

Jesus Christ. She'd just about given me a coronary. I finally nodded. "That was sweet," I whispered.

She smiled again and shrugged. "Sometimes I'm sweet, Quinn." She handed it to me. "Do you like it?"

I nodded and laid it down on the counter and pulled her to me. "Don't do that again," I whispered in her hair. "Please," my voice was desperate.

"I'm sorry," she said. She pulled away and put her hand on my cheek. "Look at me." I did. "I'm sorry. Okay?" She brushed my hair out of my eyes with her other hand. "I just wanted to do something nice for you. I should've woken you up first, but I wanted it to be a surprise."

"It's okay," I said, pulling her back to me. I didn't want to let her go.

She let me hold her for a moment before pulling back. "I called my daddy while I was in town," she said.

Great… I nodded. "How's the big guy?"

She sat the other bags she was carrying down. "He said you called Sam yesterday."

Of course he did. Sam was a dumbass. "Look Rach, I'm…"

She shook her head. "It's okay. I understand." She held up her hand to stop me.

"What did you tell him?" I asked her.

"That we were fine. But…" She trailed off.

"But what?"

"He said if we just called and checked in with them… that they would… they would back off and stop freaking out so much. He caught a case and he can't really come here and my dad won't fly without him. He said they just wanted to make sure I was okay. But that everybody else was really worried about us…"

Doubt they gave a shit if I was fine. "You think that'll work? Calling everyone?"

She shook her head. "No. But… we could try."

I shrugged. I didn't really care either way. Most of them hadn't done me any favors lately. But I guess we at least owed Santana an explanation seeing as she had stuck her neck out for us. "Did he say anything about San?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. He didn't say." She sighed.

She turned her phone on. "Should I?"

I gestured with my hand. "Go for it…"

She put the phone on speaker and dialed. She smiled sadly at me while it rang.

"Hello?" Kurt said on the third ring.

"Kurt," Rachel answered.

"Rachel! Oh my god! Where are you?"

She closed her eyes. "You know I'm not going to tell you that."

"Are you okay? Has Quinn hurt you?"

What the hell was wrong with him? "She's fine," I said. Jesus.

"No one asked you!" He screamed through the phone. "What are you doing to her?"

"Nothing," Rachel sighed.

"Rachel, just tell us where you are," I heard Puckerman say. Apparently, we were on speakerphone as well. Asshole.

"No, Noah. I just wanted to call and tell you guys we're okay."

"Rachel," Brittany started. "Is Quinn making you say that? Just tell us okay. We'll protect you."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Quinn isn't making me say anything, Britt."

"Did she take you, Rachel?" It was a voice I didn't recognize. I knew who it was though.

I started to speak, but Rach put her hand on my arm. "No. No one took me anywhere. If anything I made Quinn go. Not the other way around." She rubbed my arm. "Look, I know you guys are upset and that you think I've made a spectacular mistake or something equally detrimental but I just can't be there anymore. I need you to respect that."

"We just can't believe that," Kurt said.

"Rachel," Mercedes started. "We know this is hard. We know you're hurting but if you'll just come home we can…" she didn't finish.

Rachel looked near tears.

I was sort of sick of this. "Do what, 'Cedes?" I got closer to the phone. "What can any of you do?"

"More than you," the new one spat out.

"Listen, I don't know you. But don't pretend you know me either." Bitch.

"I know enough," she growled.

Rachel put her hand on my chest and turned to the phone. "I don't want to fight with any of you. I need you to understand that I'm okay. And so is Quinn."

"We don't care if Quinn is okay," Puck said.

Ditto.

"I do," I heard Santana say in the background. "In case anyone is wondering."

"Ugh," Kurt moaned. "Look Rachel, we just need to see you. That's it."

She raised her eyebrow at me. "I don't think so."

I shrugged. "Maybe they'll back off, Rach," I whispered. "If they come here and see you're okay."

"I don't know…" she started.

"You're at one of the studio's houses?" He asked. He sounded hopeful. "If we come there it will just be to see that you're okay. If you are," He paused. "If you are, and you want to stay, we'll leave you alone."

She looked at me questioningly. I nodded. I didn't want them here; don't get me wrong. But if they would back off, well then maybe…

Rachel finally sighed. "Fine. " She gave them the address from the phone. "One night. And then you leave. Promise me that."

"We promise, " Britt damn near squealed through the phone.

"Tomorrow night. Okay?" Kurt asked.

"Okay," she whispered, hanging up the line. She turned to me. "Are you sure?"

I shrugged. The fact was, I wasn't sure. "Whatever you need."

She nodded.

The rest of the day we sort of spent in silence. It was… well, not exactly comfortable, but at least it was quiet. I thought about not drinking anymore, but the truth was… I hadn't gone longer than twelve hours without drinking anything in close to a year. And yeah, I had built up a tolerance, but I also had an addiction. I wasn't that stupid. I knew it.

After dinner, which I made Rachel eat, we sat down in the living room. She had a glass of wine. I had a beer. There were dozens of books in the house. Most of them were shit, but I'd found a few worth reading. Rachel was flipping through a magazine while I read.

She broke the silence after a while. "Do we need to talk about Hope?"

I closed the book I was reading and sat it on my lap. "I don't know. Do we?"

She closed her magazine and took a drink of her wine. "I don't want it to be uncomfortable tomorrow."

" I doubt anything is going to make this comfortable." I took another drink. "I figure it's not any of my business," I finally said.

She nodded. "I guess." She looked away. "Does it bother you?"

"What the hell do you think?" I asked her.

"I don't know, Quinn. That's why I asked."

"Fuck yeah it bothers me, Rachel. She's basically sleeping with the only person I've ever loved. To say it bothers me would be the understatement of the century." I went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of bourbon. "It's not like I can do anything about it. I made the bed I'm lying in right now."

"Have you…" she looked down. "Have you been seeing anyone?"

I laughed. "That's a good one," I said quietly.

She smiled a bit. "I didn't imagine you'd be celibate."

I didn't particularly want to touch that but it wasn't like I had a choice. "I never said I was."

Her face looked pained as what I said washed over her. "Oh…"

I gestured with the bottle. "Didn't mean a damn thing," I muttered.

She nodded. "Did it last night?" She asked quietly.

Jesus. How did we get to this point? "Why do you keep asking me questions you already know the answer to?"

"Sometimes I need to hear it." She sounded so unsure.

"You know I love you, Rachel. I always have. Even before…" I faltered. "Even in high school. Nothing is ever gonna change that."

"Even after Eva…"

I closed my eyes. "Eva made everything real. Even after she…" I stopped. I wasn't going to cry. "Her dying didn't change that… maybe made me hate myself a little bit moer. Or a whole lot honestly, but… nothing could ever stop how I feel about you."

"But you left…" She was crying.

"Because I was killing you by being there. You couldn't look at me. I had to leave. I loved you enough to leave. Can't you see that?" I wanted to throw the goddamn bottle across the room. I took a drink instead.

She cried softly for a few minutes. I wanted to hold her, but I wasn't sure I was supposed to. I stayed where I was.

"Hope was easy," she finally said. "When I was with her, I could pretend. I could pretend like it never happened."

I winced. "Glad you found your escape…"

She winced back. "You found yours too, Quinn. You just have to get all the way to the bottom of that bottle to get it."

I looked at the bottle and took another drink before I laughed. "Berry, my escape is at the bottom of the third or fourth bottle. Not the first."

She stood up and made her way over to me. She put her hand on the bottle and took it from me. "Leave it. Just tonight. Can you stop just for tonight?"

I wanted to say yes. I swear I did. But… I couldn't. I needed it. More than I needed her to forgive me. More than I needed to forgive myself. I put my hand over hers and took it back from her. "You're asking too much of me there."

She shook her head sadly. "I think I'll sleep in my bed tonight," she said, moving away from me. "Good night, Quinn."

I didn't respond until after she left. "Night, baby," I whispered when I knew she was out of earshot.

I don't remember anything after that.

It started raining harder once we left the house.

"Ready to see your mommy, baby girl?" I cooed to the back seat.

Eva had taken a nap before we left. Rachel had installed one of those mirrors so I could see her while I was driving. I never let her drive with Eva in the car because Rachel could not drive. I don't mean she drove a little bad. She could not drive. At all. It was terrifying to be in the car with her.

She obviously didn't answer me, because she was nine months old. But still, she sort of smiled at me. She was probably super ready for her mommy. I mean I bathed her, and fed her, and cuddled with her. And it was true that I was the one who could get her to stop crying. And could make her do that little giggly thing that was more adorable than a roomful of puppies, but… Rachel gave birth to her. She just had this gift. Like if Eva was crying, Rach knew it even before she heard it. It blew me away. I could sleep through a tsunami. Anyone who argued that nature was stronger than nurture had not met our daughter. She was genetically mine. She was biologically Rachel's.

I had both of my eyes on the road that night. I drove like a grandmother with her in the car. I obeyed every traffic law ever invented. I used my blinkers, kept both hands on the wheel… I was a model driver.

But, you know… you can't control everything. Or everyone. And no matter how safe I was, or tried to be, I couldn't have stopped that guy from drinking that night. God knows I would've if I could've. I'd have ripped his head straight off his shoulders.

Fate is stupid sometimes. I didn't get a chance to hurt him.

No one did.

When I woke up the next morning, it was close to noon. Rachel was already dressed.

"If they're coming tonight, we're going to need more food." She said, putting on her sunglasses. "Do you want to go to the market with me?"

I shook my head and made myself a cup of coffee. There was some Bailey's in the cabinet and I poured a couple of shots in with it. "No. I think I'll stay here."

She looked sad. "Please don't do that, Quinn. Please." Her voice was small.

I took a drink of coffee. I was gonna need more than one cup today. "Look, I know that they need to see that you're okay. I get it. I just don't particularly relish the fact that I've got to be here at the same time." She looked worried. I held up my hand. "I am not going anywhere." I gestured at the bottle. "This helps me get through the day. I don't know what to tell you."

She rubbed the bridge of her nose like she was worried. "I want to… I'm not going to fight this battle with you right now, Quinn, but… I need you to understand something. I don't want to watch you do this to yourself. I knew it was bad but…" She moved over to me and took my hand. "I don't want you to keep hurting yourself."

I scoffed. "That's rich."

She took my coffee from me and sat it down on the counter. She took both my hands and brought them to her lips. I closed my eyes when she kissed them. When I opened them she was touching my cheek. "You're really beautiful," she whispered. She put her hand behind my neck and pulled my forehead to hers. "And sad."

I closed my eyes again and nodded. I didn't trust myself to talk.

She kissed my forehead. "I don't know why you're afraid to cry," she said. She ran her hand through my hair, before kissing my forehead again. "I'm sorry."

"For what," I mumbled out. I hadn't moved or opened my eyes.

She pulled back and looked at me. "Open you eyes." I did. "For being so lost in my own grief, I completely ignored yours."

I swallowed to keep from crying. I wanted to say I was sorry for causing it. For everything, but I knew if I spoke nothing but sobs would come out and I couldn't…

She finally let go. "I'll be back in a few hours." She said, kissing my cheek. "It'll be okay. I promise."

I nodded at her as she left. I didn't believe her. Nothing about them coming here could be okay.

By the time she'd got back, I'd had a shower and made my way through a bottle of whiskey. The liquor she'd found in the cabinet was gone, but there were boxes of it in the garage. I didn't know if she knew or not, but I wasn't going to offer up the information.

When she came back, she pushed her sunglasses on the top of her head and frowned as she sat the groceries down.

I expected her to say something about the drink in my hand, but she ignored it. "Want to help me put these up?" She smiled.

"Sure," I replied, glad we'd avoided it. "What time you think they'll get here?"

She shrugged. "They said tonight, so probably soon." She put her hand over mind. "You sure you're okay with this."

I nodded. "Whatever you need. I've already told you that."

She studied me for a minute. "I know what you said, but…" She didn't get to finish cause the doorbell rang. She cocked her eyebrow at me. "Guess they're early?" She tried to laugh.

Yay…

I followed Rachel into the living room as she opened the door. She was attacked by a giant bear hug from Puck, Kurt, and Brittany.

"Rachel!" All three of them screamed like she'd just risen from the dead.

I hung back. I was more than glad to see San with them. Blaine and Mercedes trailed in behind them and hugged Rachel. Sam patted me on the arm. I couldn't bother to respond because I was watching the new one.

"Rach," she said, pulling her into a hug. She moved to kiss her.

I took another goddamn drink.

"It's so beautiful here," Kurt started.

Were they about to make small talk?

"So… I'll just be outside," I said to the room before this got anymore awkward.

"Quinn, wait." Rachel said.

I turned around and grabbed the bottle off the coffee table. "No. You guys talk. I'm feeling out of place at the moment." I walked out and shut the door behind me.

Truth was I didn't want to sit in there and listen to them tell her what a mistake she was making. I didn't know if she would believe it. If she went back with them… that was it… I couldn't do this anymore. Being near her and then having her taken away… I wouldn't survive it. And I didn't want to.

I heard the door slide behind me after a few minutes but I didn't bother turning around. "Santana."

She had a glass in her hand. "Can I have some?"

I nodded and poured her a drink. "How was the flight?"

She groaned. "Long." She took a drink.

"Why aren't you in there making with the big intervention with the others?" I asked her.

"Well," she sighed. "Number one – it's really fucking pointless cause she ain't coming back. And number two – I figured someone else is in need of an intervention right now."

I scoffed. "That right?"

"Yep." She was staring out at the water. "This sure the shit beats the hell out of Lima."

I nodded. "No shit."

She took a deep breath. "So… you been on this bender for over a year now?"

I took a drink. "What's it fucking to you?"

She turned and looked at me. "Well you're my friend, asshole. And based on the empty bottles in that kitchen you're drinking enough for seven goddamn people."

"How do you know that's all mine?"

She rolled her eyes. "Are you serious? The most Rachel drinks – a glass of wine. Or some fruity shit that tastes like candy. No way she's drinking that shit in there."

I shrugged. "I've got a high metabolism."

"I don't care how high your fucking metabolism is. There's no way in hell you aren't killing your liver with this shit, Quinn. The damn circles under your eyes give you away." She took another drink and sat her glass down. "Have you been doing this shit for a year, Q? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

I sat still. "I was at first," I finally said.

She nodded. "And now?"

"I can't really stop…"

"Right." She took the bottle from me. "Have you tried?" She sounded sad.

"Yeah," I told her. "A couple of times. I can't take it."

She touched my shoulder. "It's hard. But it's gonna kill you if you don't stop. You know that, don't you?"

I looked away. "So the fuck what?"

She sneered. "You wanna do that to Rachel?" She shook her head. "Cause that'll be it for her. She won't survive your death too. You'll just be giving her permission to die. And then something finally will be your fault."

"She's moved on," I said quietly.

"Right," she mocked. "And that's why she ran off with you the other day. Why do you pretend to be fucking stupid? That shit gets so old."

I gestured at the house with my hand. "They fucking hate me."

"Well, they're being idiots. They needed someone to blame, and lookie here – you gave them that didn't you? They were championing you until you fucked that girl, you dumbass. And then you left like a coward. You wanted to play the bad guy, cause that's what everyone expects from Quinn. But you look like a goddamn idiot. Because you're playing the victim instead."

Fuck her. I grabbed the bottle and swallowed the remnants. "No one fucking asked you, Santana."

"I don't give a damn. You think you two are the only ones that suffered when she died? Get over yourself for two goddamn seconds. You self-centered, fucking…" she took a breath. "We all loved her. All of us. We were all broken. Maybe she wasn't my daughter," she took a deep breath. "… so the hell what? I loved her."

I shook my head. "You don't understand…"

She took the bottle from me and threw it against the patio. It shattered. "Fuck you!" she screamed. She stood up. "Fuck you." She muttered again. She was shaking.

Before I could get up, everyone ran out of the house.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked, looking at me.

"San, what is it?" Britt asked.

Santana was still shaking but managed to compose herself. I stayed where I was, staring at her.

"I…" she faltered and looked at me. "Nothing," she finally said.

Rachel put her hands on her hips. "Quinn?"

"Nothing," I mumbled back.

Hope was staring daggers at me. Fuck her.

"What are you looking at?" I asked her.

"A drunk," she mumbled.

I jumped up and lunged at her. Rachel caught me around the waist. "Stop it," she hissed. She threw me in the chair. "Stay put," she turned to Santana. "Both of you."

S sulked but sat back down.

Rachel motioned to Britt and the others. "Give me five minutes."

Kurt and Hope started to protest, but Sam and Blaine ushered them back inside.

Rachel sat down on the table across from us. "What was that about?" She asked when they went inside.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Nothing. I just forgot how much I missed Quinn is all."

She ignored her and turned to me. "Want to know the only person who never stopped talking about you? Who kept looking for you?"

I didn't answer.

"Shut up, Rachel." Santana said.

"All that money you had," Rachel sighed. "Where did you think that came from? You weren't working. And yet you still had money. Did you ever wonder about your magical debit card?"

"Shut up, Rachel," San warned again.

She continued to ignore her and touched my hand. "I'm staying here with you, Quinn…"

"Told ya so," San muttered beside us.

I looked away.

Rachel cut her eyes at her. "But… I'm not the only person that cares about you." She patted Santana's knee. "We all need someone on our side," she said, winking at her. She stood up. "I've got to go convince them that I'm not crazy," she half-smiled at us. "A lot harder than it sounds," she said thoughtfully before going back inside.

Neither of us said anything when she went back in. I finally got up and began picking up the glass that was shattered everywhere.

"What are you doing?" Santana asked.

"I sorta walk out here barefoot, jackass," I told her, smacking her on the arm.

She rolled her eyes and bent down to help me. "You're the jackass."

I smiled. "About what she said… the money… you didn't have to…"

She held up her hand. "Save it. I know about you and pride. I'm gonna beat her ass for telling you that. But…" She chucked a piece of the bottle in the garbage behind my head. "We also have more money than God." She chucked another piece. "So let's just not talk about that. Deal?"

I threw a piece over my head without looking. "Deal," I said.

We finished quickly.

"Ready to face the wolves?" She asked me.

"Fuck no," I muttered.

She stood and lent me a hand. "Tough shit."

When we got inside, everyone was in the living room. We both could tell we'd walked into a tense moment. Kurt was crying quietly and both Sam and Noah were pacing. Hope was sitting across the room on the edge of a chair. Everyone stopped talking when we walked in.

Santana sat down on the couch beside Mercedes and patted her knee. I stayed where I was.

Kurt watched me for a moment before continuing. "Okay, we get that Quinn didn't force you to come here, Rachel but…" he looked at me. "Do you think this is what you need?" He hesitated. "What Quinn needs?"

Puck nodded. "I know she screwed up…"

I raised my hand. "Uh, standing right here, jackass."

He ignored me. "… but it is fair to do this to her, Rachel?"

Rachel sighed. "What exactly do you think I'm doing, Noah?"

Brittany frowned sadly. "Rachel, you know that you and Quinn can't stay here pretending like nothing happened. That Finn isn't dead. That Eva didn't die."

Rachel stood up. "No one here is pretending anything!" She yelled. "I'm sick of all if it. The pitiful looks. The frowns. The freaking cold weather. I hate it there."

Hope stood up and walked over to her. "Then we'll come here." She looked at Kurt for conformation. "If that's what you need…"

I stepped closer to them. "Uh no…"

Hope moved around Rachel. "I know you're hurting, Quinn. I get you suffered too. But what you did was inexcusable. You hurt her. No one is stupid enough to think you won't do it again." She stepped into my personal space then.

Big mistake.

I stuck my finger in her chest. "Listen here, I don't know who you think you're messing with but you're about to find out."

She took my hand away from her chest. "Look at me shaking at the drunk who's threatening me."

I twisted the hand that was holding mine and then punched her with my other fist. She fell backwards. "You should be," I called down to her.

"Quinn!" Brittany screamed and ran over to her. "What's wrong with you?"

Rachel was watching with her mouth open. She hadn't moved. Everyone else jumped up. When Hope got up she was shaking and lunged at me. Puck grabbed her and threw her on the couch before I could hit her again.

"Don't move," San hissed at her.

Rachel finally moved and walked over and took my hand. She guided me to the other side of the room and moved to stand in front of me.

"Okay, well now that everyone has seen that I'm here of my own freewill, you can go. First thing in the morning." She looked pointedly at Hope. "All of you."

Hope went to get up and I tried to move around Rachel. She held me back without even turning around. "I did not invite you here to attack Quinn," she said, looking around the room. "Or to be talked into returning. I wanted to show you that I was okay."

"But you aren't okay," Blaine said.

Rachel sighed. "And I probably never will be. But I am trying here." She turned around and looked at me. "And Quinn needs me…"

I wasn't sure what she meant, but I kept quiet.

She started shaking her head. "Look, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm tired. I want to go to bed," She said to the room. "There are two bedrooms upstairs and an extra bedroom downstairs." She pointed at the couches. "And two couches. So figure out where you're going to sleep. I had them bring a rental car here this afternoon. So we'll drive you to the airport tomorrow." She looked around the room. "I wish this would've gone better, but I didn't ask you here to fight." She shook her head and walked out.

I didn't miss the fact that she said we had three bedrooms open. That meant I was supposed to sleep with her, right? They were all staring at me – expecting me to say something, I guessed. Except San, who was smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

I didn't give them a chance to talk. I grabbed one of the other bottles I'd been drinking and followed her. She was in the bedroom I'd been sleeping in, putting her clothes in the drawer. She turned around when I came in and noticed the bottle in my hand. She sighed and turned back around, finishing what she was doing.

I sat down on the bed and grabbed a glass and poured myself a drink.

When she was finished she came and stood in front of me. "You're an alcoholic."

"No shit," I muttered.

"I want you to stop," she said firmly.

"Not that easy."

"Do you want to stay here with me?" She asked, her hands on her hips.

I closed my eyes. I debated on whether I should finish the drink but… I had to. "Is that an ultimatum?"

She nodded.

"Yes," I finally whispered.

"Then you've got to try." She took the bottle from me. "No more tonight."

I wasn't drunk. I'd had a lot to drink today, but nowhere near as much as I wanted. "I don't know if I can do this."

She sat down beside me and put her hand on my knee. "I don't know if I can get up every morning. I don't know how to take a damn breath. It's hard."

My face must have registered the shock of what she said.

"Hard," she repeated. She shook her head. "But I do it. So, you get to do it too. I've lost everything else in this world and I'm not about to lose you too. " She rubbed my knee. "But I can't do it by myself. I need you to help me. I want to help you." She took the glass out of my hand and turned my face toward hers. "I love you," she whispered.

I closed my eyes. "I just needed you to say it." I started crying.

She pulled me to her and laid my head against her chest. "I know, baby," she said rubbing my head. She lay back on the bed and took me with her.

I hated crying. Hated it. And I was fucking sobbing. But she was holding me. And something inside me broke. "I'm so sorry," I choked out. "I'm so sorry." I was blubbering. "I'm so sorry." I couldn't breathe. "I loved her so much. I loved her. I loved her…"

She held me tighter against her. "I know." She was rocking me like a baby. "I know."

"It just hurts," I cried. "It feels like I'm dying every day." I was choking. "I wanted to die. I killed her."

She kissed my head. "No you didn't, Quinn. It was an accident. A stupid accident."

"It hurts." I was crying so hard I almost didn't understand myself.

But she understood me. She nodded against the top of my head. She was holding me as tight as she ever had. "I know it does. Believe me, I know. But, I'm not leaving you this time. I promise. No matter what. Okay?" She whispered. "You're stuck with me. Okay?"

I nodded against her. "Promise?" I whispered back.

"Promise."