When Ordering Soba, Look Out For Rabbits
GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Damnation. Kanda's stomach was cursed again by its owner. But it did not care. It wanted that day's portion of Soba, and damn it, it was ready to get what it wanted. GRRRRRRRR… Kanda sighed. He had no choice. Actually, he was in a good mood, since none of the idiots from yesterday was up and kicking at five nineteen in the morning. The training was perfect, the weather was perfect, the trees… never mind.
A, he forgot. His stomach grred again, it wanted attention, dammit. Che, why the hell do people eat? It takes precious time he could spend training, or search for "that person," or … soba. It wanted soba. Kanda agreed with the stomach. Soba sounded good. Kanda mentally put a statue in the honor of the wise, wise person who invented soba.
The cafeteria was empty. It was Saturday after all. The people in the Black order were not some masochists (exclude Kanda) that would force themselves to get up at five Saturday! Duh! Who would? (Except Kanda) Che. How convenient. Kanda imagined a bowl of soba in front of him, the scent of it tickling his salivary glands. The tea, (hot, ho sugar) would be there too. It will stare at Kanda like a loving, loving mother and whisper with a warm, cozy voice:
"Drink… me…" Kanda sighed again. He approached Jerry, the PINK COOK that now was drifting off in some land, with some girl, in some room, in some be..
"Soba." "Huh?" "Soba." Oh, Kanda-kun*… Right, soba…" Jerry left the imaginary girl and zoomed to the kitchen. Kanda was waiting. Che . Can he be faster? Kanda felt his stomach grinning is expectation of his beloved, Soba.
"Ha~i, one soba coming!" There it was, so beautiful and simple. Kanda almost smiled. He LOVED everything, the empty cafeteria, the empty halls, the empty training grounds, the empty… He still hated the rooms filled with people, especially invented to piss him off. He extended his arms at the beauty (SOBA) and was pushed face first in the bowl.
"YUUU~cha~n!!" What in the world…. Lavi… It could only be Lavi… That stupid smirk, that stupid red hair, that stupid eye patch…
"GET OFF OF ME, BAKA USAGI! If you DON'T, YOU WILL FACE DEATH IN THREE SECONDS!! Three, twoooo.. ONE!" Lavi was not there anymore. He was against the wall trembling with nervous laughter.
"Yuu-chaaaan, I-I-I-… Did you have a good night?" Now Kanda understood serial killers. They were unhappy people that just KILLED the monsters who ruined their life. Monsters like Lavi, Komui, ____ (insert here the whole list of all 6 billion of people that inhabit this planet.) They must be killed with joy.
Kanda picked off some noodles of his hair and cheed. How bothersome. He still was hungry, and the only thing that could satisfy that right now was unceremoniously laying on his head and shoulders. Che. What a waste. That bastard, he deserved to die slowly, slooooowly, on a pitchfork reddened by fire. Perfect. Hn, hell doesn't sound so bad. Kanda would definitely agree to work there part time, IF he could fry Lavi. He mentally made a note to consult with his career counselor, and faced Jerry for the second time. The cook already was holding a soba bowl with another cup of tea.
"H-h-here you go!" Kanda again, extended his arms to receive the food tray when he heard, no, sensed the Idiot Rabbit standing behind him. The dark exorcist grinned viciously and spun around to grab him by the neck with an obvious intention of killing/making him suffer.
Too bad that the Soba was flying to the floor. The author turned on the Slow Motion Camera, and started recording: Soba whirled around its own axis, once, then twice. Some noodles were still in the bowl because of the centrifugal force; others were flying with the firm decision to rest in peace on somebody's face. In a corner of the film one could see Kanda diving into the concrete floor with a desperate and extremely low pitched "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
(The author turned off the Slow Motion Camera. We're back to the normal speed.)
Kanda twirled around with agony painted with a really broad brush across his face. "Y-y-y-yooou! I WILL KILL YOU! I EVEN WILL GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO MAKE A RESERVATION FOR YOU IN THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD!!!!"
"What are you yelling at so early in the morning, Kanda-san?" Kanda stopped. His hand still gripped Mugen, which was slightly pocking Lavi's now open heart. The samurai slowly turned around. His face was covered in popping veins, Lavi's blood, Soba noodles, while a chopstick pierced his cheek. Apparently Lavi tried to defend with it, without much success. Right there, in the empty cafeteria, on that damned spot, with noodles stuck to his face, stood Allen.
He did not speak, did not blink, just stood there like a stupid sheep, looking at Kanda with a disarming smile. He even had the audacity to cock his head, like a flirting missy. Then he changed in a blink of somebody's only eye. His eyes became steely. His face became severe. Even the soba on his head was straightened up.
"You, Bakanda, will pay me for my ruined uniform. And for the cleaning of my shoes. And for my door. And my bed covers…"
Allen stopped, and started searching through his pockets. He took out a folded piece of paper. Kanda knew from experience and his master's lessons that a piece of paper can be folded only seven times. Now, right there, the kid unfolded it 777 times already. In a few minutes the paper covered the cafeteria's floor, like a world map, extra large print edition.
"You owe me these too," Allen said. "Just because you're a bastard does not mean you are irresponsible, right?" Allen smiled again. "Now, be responsible and pay this whole list."
Kanda took an edge of the paper and started to read. Meanwhile, Lavi squeaked under Kanda's boot. The samurai plodded heavily on the redhead with his foot. Usagi stopped moving.
"Hey, moyashi, why is sake listed here? And who's Cecilia? I don….WAIT, you want me to pay your bills? YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR A LOVE HOTEL, AND DOMPERIDON**? You bastard, how low can you go?"
"Sorry to disappoint you, but I do NOT practice limbo. And, regarding the bill here, you are responsible for it. You scarred my young and innocent soul and mind!"
"Innocent? INNOCENT? YOU BLOODY MORRON, YOU JUST TRIED TO DUMP YOUR DEBTS ON ME AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL YOURSELF INNOCENT?" With a pout Allen raised his hand and extended a finger. (The index, the index, not the middle, not the middle)
"How rude, I AM innocent! I am only 15 years old! How more innocent can one get?!?"
"Yah, right, you probably already…" but Kanda was interrupted by a low, threatening voice. An ominous Allen was standing in front of him.
"If you do not pay, I will sue you for child molestation, just you wait. Even if I look like this, I worked as a lawyer sometimes to pay off the debts. And those are not my debts; those are my master's debts. Got that, jerk?"
" And you call yourself innocent? Che." Kanda felt powerless. He was hungry, he was dirty, and now he was extorted by a pathetic 15 year old kid. Che. What a nuisance. He decided to ignore the maggot (a.k.a. Allen) and approached the kitchen window again.
"Soba." He watched Jerry spin around, becoming a small pink tornado. Jerry smiled with love.
"Here you go Kanda-kun. This time watch for it, this is the last one I have. You know, Komui is using my bread money (and other funds) to create Komurins and virginity belts for Lenalee. He really has a sister-complex that basta.. no, that highly-revered-by-me scientist. So I am making cuts where I can. Bon appetite, Kanda-kun!"
Che. Still, Kanda was glad. He did not spill, drop, crack, or do something horrible to those noodles. He was ready to enjoy his meal. That made his stomach howl with joy, spin around, and dance tango with the bladder. But Kanda did not show any of those emotions. He was Kanda after all, an emotionless samurai, a lone wolf, a brave warrior, the last Mohican.***
He bravely stepped to his table, and put his food tray down. Nothing. The food did not blow up, spill, rot, or do other dangerous and unnecessary things. He lifted his chopsticks with a sigh. The next moment, Kanda was chewing the wall.
Somewhere, Allen's voice was cursing him with the most un-innocent words that have existed. He was trying to fold the paper back, and wipe Kanda's foot prints off of it. The table was cracked, and the soba bowl was missing. Kanda spat out a brick and looked around with a laser-like gawk. He grinned a toothy, alligator worthy "smile."
Target spotted.
Mission: Annihilate.
____ ____________ ________ __________
Jerry carefully entered Kanda's room. He looked like a thief. Too bad there was nothing to steal; the room was already naked. Jerry sneaked into the bathroom. There, carefully arranged in rows, thousands and thousands of bean sprouts were glowing with a green fragile light.
Jerry smiled. These are the only things that have escaped bill collectors' grasp that loaned the money to Komurin Factory. Jerry smiled. He did not have enough space for them to sprout. Luckily for him, Kanda was on a two week mission in China, or Tibet, was it? Lucky! They already sprouted. Today, he will make a beautiful dish of marinated bean sprouts.
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*I have no idea of how Jerry calls Kanda. It is pure speculation on my part.
** Domperidon is some sort of an alcoholic beverage. I heard about it in "Gintama"
*** Kanda is not Indian. I just wanted to emphasize how lonely he is. You cannot get lonelier if you're the last one of your kind?
Huuuuh, my cheeks hurt. And my stomach. Crap, I have not eaten since morning. Bye!! Have fun!