It was Sam's duty to watch out for Mr. Frodo, and that included keeping an eye on the slimy, distasteful creature, Gollum. There was something about him Sam just didn't trust. What kind of foul beast didn't like 'taters? What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch liked it wet and wriggling? Gollum's loin cloth certainly didn't help. Why, Sam could see Gollum's bottom, clear as day! In fact, it wasn't just Gollum's bottom he could see, but that, my children, is a story for mature hobbits only.
Sam wanted this slithering creature out of his sight. It made him sick. But Frodo insisted they did not have time to sew Gollum some pants.
It was fortunate, then, that Sam happened to come across a pair of pants amongst the company of Faramir and his men. Of course, the pair of pants was on Faramir, but that wasn't a problem. Samwise Gamgee knew how to make 'em drop like they were hot. He was talented that way.
"You can tie me up whenever you like," Sam stated, indicating his bound wrists. Faramir was kinky.
Frodo's baby blue eyes rolled up into his head and he moaned, appearing to be experiencing a powerful orgasm.
Faramir raised an eyebrow. "It is young Frodo here who has what I desire, Samwise Gamgee. I am not interested in gardeners."
"It's because he's wearing the ring, isn't it?" Sam said scathingly.
But Faramir had no time to reply because at that precise moment, Gollum leapt from a tree and landed on the man's head.