Limbo
Chapter 3 - Six Months In Purgatory
Journal Entry - Day 14
I'm starting this journal in hopes that writing it down will get it out of my head. For peace of mind. To be able to sleep.
It's been 14 days with no sign of J. He's not at his hotel. No one's seen the Citroen (it does stand out). Messages go th rough to his cell phone, but he won't answer–calls, voice mail, texts. No sign he's using his email account. I'm worried. Where do I start looking?
Round and round. What should I have done differently? What would have made a difference? The anniversary of the murders and RJ's taunt must have pushed him over the edge. I knew he was in trouble. Should I have talked to him? He decided to quit hunting RJ and burned his files. J had to experience that as betraying his family, as a RJ victory. I should have forced him to take leave. Yeah, right. Like I could force him. He seemed to want to work on the Castro case. My God, he locked Marks in a coffin! J never did anything that far out before.
I should have kept him away from W. Talk about throwing fuel on the fire. On his best days J merely tolerated W and his academic BS. W's clueless and useless. No, worse than useless. W is incompetent. He doesn't have the field experience or instincts for the job. He makes our work harder and more dangerous. W is all about his authority, the p-. Who he could suspend. Who violated a rule. Whether someone could be fired. I never get any sense he protects his people. He's more interested in currying favor with B and playing footsie with the FBI than in protecting his staff from unfair pressure. (Who the hell does W think is going to make him look good, make his career, anyhow?!) God, I wish Minelli or Hightower was still boss. Damn you W. One J is worth dozens of people like you.
Journal Entry - Day 30
It's 30 days. I hoped J would show up and be okay on the one-month mark.
Who am I kidding? J would say I'm being irrational or at least illogical. Why doesn't he answer his damn phone? God, what if he can't? I caught VP checking the physical location of J's phone. The phone is in Vegas. Is J? It could be stolen. What if he's institutionalized again? He had a breakdown after the murders. He didn't seem that bad off a month ago, but he locked Marks in a coffin and ripped W to shreds.
Black humor: Corpses are really hard to keep hidden. At this point, the absence of bad news counts as good news.
Journal Entry - Day 37
I checked with the extended stay hotel. The rent's paid. His cell phone is still on, so that bill is being paid. But I recall J setting them up for auto-billing to his bank account. J hates routine chores like that. His hotel room hasn't been touched. The cleaning staff doesn't even bother anymore–they can tell from the vacuum cleaner tracks that no one's been inside.
Journal Entry - Day 46
Closure rates are way down. What a surprise. W's being a jerk. He called the unit together to berate them for lower closure rates. W has no clue how demoralizing his contribution– rather, lack of contribution–is. No one thinks W deserves his job. Firing J undermined my efforts to support management. I need to watch my step. Regardless of how I feel about W, I need to respect the position so I can protect my team. Not to mention keep my job.
The team is gradually getting over J's absence, but it's hard. No one's had the heart to move the couch or even J's books. And we'd forgotten how tedious the leg-work is without J's leaps of logic and ability to read people. What J did with a glance now takes us days of interviews to tease out. There are cases we just won't solve now. Surprisingly, I think C misses J most. R and VP are still engrossed with each other–maybe that's good for now.
Journal Entry - Day 58
The latest case took us to LA. C drove to J's Malibu house with me. I didn't even have to spell it out. He said yes as soon as I mentioned Malibu. C didn't mind picking the lock. It took a while–J chose a hard lock for his own home. Thank God. No decomp smell when we finally got in. C had never been there before. C isn't easily fazed, but he was shocked at the mattress under the RJ smilely face in the bedroom. J's wife and daughter were killed together in the master bedroom. The twin mattress is probably from his daughter's room. Depressing reminder of why J could have had another breakdown. Anyhow, no sign of J. VP checked the records when I asked. All bills are up to date on the house, but they're on auto-pay as well.
Journal Entry - Day 67
I walked into the bullpen before work and J was sitting on his couch, looking fine.
If only! What a let-down when I woke up.
Being busy helps. Even when there's time to think during the day, I can usually avoid assuming the worst. The nights are something else. At two in the morning it's hard to beat back every awful possibility. I shouldn't do it, but I'm going to put in a BOLO for the Citroen. I've got to get something to hang on to.
Journal Entry - Day 68
The BOLO turned up an old blue Citroen in Vegas. Now what? What does that prove? At least it suggests he's alive. I don't think he'd sell it. (For reasons I'll never understand, he loves that car.) I could drive there, but what would I say? I know my calls go through. J doesn't want contact.
Journal Entry - Day 76
Closure rates are up a bit. Our unit's solidly ahead of other CBI units, but still a long way from when J was with the team. W continues to beat it to death.
I'm going to limit myself to one call a day, not that it matters. Still nothing. His phone and car are in Vegas. It would make sense for J to be there. He could survive in that environment as easily as breathing. Poker, black jack. I searched the Internet but J's not performing in any of the shows or night spots. I've left a hundred messages begging him to talk to me, to get help. I can only hope he's okay. At least RJ is still lying low. I have no idea how vulnerable J is. It was all over CBI that J gave up on RJ and was fired so maybe he's safe. God protect him.
Journal Entry - Day 88
The jury convicted Benjamin Marks of first degree murder. Life without parole. J had it right–vicious psychopath. The jury seemed especially impressed with how Marks left Castro to die in that box, cuffed, trapped and alone. I wonder if J will read about it. Or care if he does. Cold comfort, but at least some good came of it all.
Journal Entry - Day 93
Over three months. Nothing. Why do I care, how can I keep caring? J obviously doesn't want anything to do with CBI. Or me.
Except that sounds too intentional, too rational. If he's really moved on, why is he still paying the extended stay hotel here in Sacramento? Makes no sense. Something's off. Where's the brilliant, rational man I know?
Journal Entry - Day 102
The state fair's in town. I drove out to the carnival and looked up Sam and Pete. They were cordial, but didn't seem to know anything about J. Unless they were conning me, they know less than I do. Anyhow, they haven't seen J since before W fired him. They said they'd ask Danny and call me if he's heard from J.
Closure rates are about two-thirds of what they were before J left. That's better. Unfortunately, the cases aren't as airtight as before, so the DA isn't getting as many convictions. More fallout from J's departure. Damn W.
Journal Entry - Day 118
I went in this morning and saw a man lying on J's couch. Ron, the floating CBI agent, had the flu and needed to lie down. God, I miss J.
Journal Entry - Day 130
More than four months and no news at all. I have to move on, accept that J's done with CBI and out of my life. Ray Haffner asked me out on a date. I don't much feel like it, but maybe I should accept.
Journal Entry - Day 138
Now I know why I shouldn't go out on dates. The evening with Ray was agonizing. Not that there is anything wrong with Ray. It's just that he is so much...less...than J. It was all I could do to get through dinner and a drink with him. I don't think I offended him, but I'm not going on any other dates for awhile.
Journal Entry - Day 154
What have I gotten out of caring for the last five months? Why can't I just move on?
If I'm honest, I can't because J is, by far, the most fascinating man I've known. Haffner? He's a good agent, nice looking, a decent guy. But he's a cardboard cut‑out compared to J. Greg? If I'd married Greg...I could be an unhappily married mom of three right now. If J ever got past RJ, I'd love to marry him, have children with him. Oh, God. This is the wrong train of thought. I can't even find J. I have no idea if he's okay, much less able to get on with his life. Giving up on RJ didn't help him move on, it pushed him over the edge.
So why J? J said Bosco would "kill and die" for me. J already has. He killed Dumar to keep him from killing me, even though Dumar knew who RJ is. He risked being blown up saving me from Gupta and that bomb jacket. And he's the most interesting man I know. Not hard to look at, either. Damn, damn, damn.
Journal Entry - Day 163
Maybe I have selective memory. Was J really that good? He lied. Tricked me. Messed with CBI and left me to fix the problems. Secretive. Paranoid. (Or maybe not. Hard to say where RJ is concerned.) He'll never be available till RJ is resolved.
So why? Because he saw more with a glance than a dozen W's or any three regular agents. Funny. Soft touch–no matter how much he denied it. He saved my life and career. He took ridiculous risks to solve cases. Made life more interesting. Made life more worth living.
Journal Entry - Day 185
Assault. Fraud. Narcotics. Resisting arrest. That's what Pat passed along from the guys in Vice. J's alive, but this is bad, not like him at all. It's a breakdown and a serious one. Why hasn't he answered my calls? I've begged him to talk to me, to get help. He's got to admit he needs help and want it. I was right to tell C, R, and VP that. They can't get caught up in J's downward spiral. No one can help J unless he wants help.
If only I felt that way myself. Nothing is working. I'm going to Saint Paul's tomorrow.