Welcome back to another chapter! The only thing about this chapter is that Ed, Al, and Amaya don't have too much attention centered on themselves as, like they agreed to, they have to share the spotlight with fanfiction Harry as well. Look to chapter one for disclaimers and such...and I promise, it gets funnier as it goes along.
It would take too long to tell every intricate detail of the crossover trio's expierience in the Harry Potter fandom, and the authoress was suffering from a massive writer's block, so instead, it was bestly summarized like this:
Edward had already served two detentions with Snape, one for calling his class "Cooking class", and one for insulting Snape for his harrassed abuse of the three of them. Despite the fact that Snape was the only reason that the trio had not been fed to the Rancoor, he was still a giant git, which surprised Amaya that he was actually in character for once. The rest of the school didn't pay much attention to them, as they bloody well shouldn't seeing as how that would mean stealing all the attention away from Harry Potter, which was impossible, seeing as how every time Harry walked into a room, something crazy would always follow.
Harry was something to be admired, really. Already passing his OWLS and NEWTS, which he had yet to actually take, and rippling with what Amaya called "Quidditch-toned muscles", he was slightly muscular, which makes no real since seeing as how being severly malnurished as a child combined with sitting on a broomstick and not really doing anything unless a Snitch went by should not be able to give anyone muscles, except for maybe around the buttux area, which he easily argued that running away from Voldemort for several years would do that to your body.
As the year progressed, the only thing that anyone, besides our crossover trio, talked about was who shagged who the night before.
"Is everyone a slut or something?", Ed asked Ron one day.
"Pretty much."
Ed and Al were mystified by everything they saw. Daily they would question things, like how did the wizards do magic, was it like alchemy, what were the house elves, and perhaps strangest of all, why was everyone always staring at someone else's ass. Classes were nothing short of amusing, as the three had borrowed some wands from Mcgonagall. (Dumbledore had offered to lend some wands, but they didn't trust where these wands had been before) Potions class was interesting, as Harry and Ed were the ones failing the class and Hermione, big surprise, and Al were the only ones passing the class. (Snape would deduct 5 trillion points every time Harry blinked, despite this Gryffindor still won the house championship, which had also yet to actually take place)
Speaking of Al, he had been the source of a few pranks, but oddly enough, he was the only one who was unaffected by magic. Any spell shot at him would bounce right off and rebound on the caster. Malfoy was the first to discover this as he had been rushed to the hospital wing with giant cardinal wings coming out of his head. But Al also had trouble using magic as well, instead secretly resorting to alchemy to do the spells and such when he thought that no one was looking, while Ed and Amaya didn't have too much trouble with magic.
Charms class was an emotional affair for Edward, who, on the first day of class, had burst into tears at seeing the teacher.
"I'm...taller than the teacher! This is the happiest day of my life!"
Charms was officially his favorite class after that. However, Flitwick wasn't exactly sharing in Edward's happiness.
History of Magic, well everyone slept through that except for Ed and Al, since they had never heard of the goblin wars and such.
"I'm surprised the teacher hasn't gone anal for everyone messing around in his classes.", Ed said, particularly after someone had the guts to get the entire class to do an Irish jig on their desks and the teacher hadn't even noticed.
Transfiguration was somewhat nothing exciting, seeing as how nothing cool or odd ever happens during that class in any of the Harry Potter books. Divination was boring as hell, seeing as how Trelawny loved to fawn over Harry's tragic future death and such. Sometimes she did it to Ed too, who had nearly punched her into a wall after telling him that he would be killed by some guy that had stepped on him.
Defence Against the Dark Arts went something like this...
"Hello Professor.", Harry would say.
"DETENTION POTTER!"
"But I haven't ranted about Voldemort yet!"
"I don't care! I'm just a spiteful bitch just for the hell of it! I'm going to put Mad Eye Moody's eye on my future office door one day!"
"W-what?"
"A WEEKS WORTH OF DETENTION!"
"But I..."
"DON'T MAKE ME SPANK YOU!"
"E-excuse me?"
"YOU HEARD ME POTTER! DEATH TO ALL MUGGLEBORN WIZARDS! ISN'T MY SLYTHERIN LOCKET PRETTY? PLOT RELEAVANCE!"
Besides the wackiness with classes, Ed had joined the Quidditch team as a beater (and he used his arm for that, mind you) and made Potter look like an amateur in Quidditch.
"Good job on winning us the Quidditch World Cup, even though we only played one game.", Harry congradulated Ed after a particular game when Ed hadn't actually done anything except scratch himself the entire game.
And there was the occasional times at breakfast.
"Hey Malfoy, who I have suddenly grown a grudging friendship with.", Harry said as he started eating his cherrios.
"I put cyanide in your cereal."
"What?"
"Oh nothing."
So one particular day, something different happened...
"Morning Harry!", Amaya greeted one morning in the Gryffindor common room.
"So who was it last night?", Ron asked Harry, ignoring her completely.
"Last night I had sex with my own father come back to life. Tonight its Malfoy's dad in the library, which luckily since it gets so much action there I have a reservation to snog there, so I need to not do anything strenuous today.", he said as he sat in a chair, "And I think tommorow I'll be doing a strip tease in the Great Hall."
"The fangirls aren't kind to you, are they?", Al asked.
"Unforunately no.", he said as he looked over at Amaya.
"How did you get into our common room? Aren't you a Slytherin?"
Amaya shrugged. "Plot device?"
"So Ron, how are..."
"DON'T TALK TO ME HARRY! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU, HUH? OH HARRY, TAKE ME!
"Ron, are you ok?"
"I'm fine. I'm so glad that we're friends!"
"Oh, ok then.", Harry said. Everyone was kind of used to these odd outbursts from everyone. Hermione soon appeared in the common room.
"Hey Harry, you can't apparate or disapparate inside Hogwarts!"
"I wasn't going to!"
"What does it matter? I've started wearing American clothes and my boobs have grown out! HOMEWORK!", she said as she left and was replaced by Ginny, who was carrying a baby.
"How could you do this to us Harry! After that one night of passion in the Hogs Head, you haven't been talking to me...how can you abandon me...and our son!"
"I don't have a son!"
"Oh whoops, this is Neville's baby. Sorry Harry.", she said as she skipped away, nearly dropping the baby in the process.
Harry turned to Ron. "Hey, what's with your sister?"
"Hmm? Sorry, didn't catch that, I was too busy thinking about me and Malfoy having wild sex on your grave after I sell you out to Voldemort."
"...Right."
"So, I was like, Avada Kedavra, and he was, like, dead."
"Oh Voldemort, you're so awesome!"
Voldemort bowed before talking some more, mostly about the usual, which consisted of Harry, the ministry, Harry, Dumbledore and the Order, Harry, paying that months taxes, Harry, how teenagers talk too much on their cellphones, Harry, the war in Iraq, Harry, the latest episode of Pushing Daises, and Harry was just a few of his favorite topics.
"So are we going to wait until the very end in order to actually do anything? By the way, I love you.", Bellatrix said.
"Fuck no! I'm tired of waiting until the very end to actually do anything. In fact, we're going to storm the castle right now!"
"But I thought we weren't going to do that until Book Seven. By the way, I want you.", Lucius Malfoy said as he batted his long eyelashes in a very sexy way.
"Screw Book Seven! We're going to act now! And I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.", he added in an undertone.
"I abuse my son!"
"I'm sure you do Lucius. Now, on to the plan..."
Suddenly, low music started to play that Voldemort moved his hips in rythem to. (One Death Eater was forced to scratch his eyes out so that he couldn't see this action) Lucius leaned over to Bellatrix.
"Is he about to sing a cliche' Disney song while mixing in his own lyrics?"
"Yes, I believe he is. I'll go make the call.", Bellatrix said, standing up to get the phone.
"From the brain that brought you the Potter murders, the head that made headlines in every newspaper, the one who made the Horcruxes(which no one should know about until the 6th book), that display that made London a sob. Now comes the real tour de' force, tricky and wicked or course. My crimes were fine for for their times, but now that I'm continuously at it again, an even grimer plot has been simmering in my great criminal brain!"
"Uh, hello, St. Mungo's? My master is obsessed with this highschool aged kid..."
"Pedophilia isn't covered by doctor-patient confi-"
"No no, he just wants to kill the kid."
"But it hasn't all been firewhiskey and caviar. With that meddlesome Harry Potter always foiling my plans! For years that insuffarable orphan has given me migraines, but that's all in the past, this time, nothing, not even Potter can stop me, We're going to storm the castle now!"
Lucius looked around, trying to look anywhere other than the now tap-dancing Dark Lord with his really bad lyrics. "Hey, where did Wormtail go?"
"Who cares? Me and you and possibly Fenrir are the only Death Eaters anyone cares about.", Bellatrix pointed out.
"Hey, where is Fenrir anyway?"
"Most likely biting small children and possibly having sex with that Lupin werewolf."
"Oh god, we didn't just enter a slash fic, did we?"
"No no, it's not a slash fic until someone walks into the room wearing nothing but a towel."
Suddenly, McNair, who, the authoress has no idea if she's spelling his name right, just know that it's the evil evil man who tried to kill Buckbeak, walks in wearing nothing but a towel.
"Hey guys. What's with the looks?"
Harry was walking around the school, looking for Hermione, when he ran into Amaya.
"Oh, hey Amaya, do you know where Hermione is?"
"Hormone? Probably thrown back in time having a wild fling with Remus Lupin because of the cliche' smartness, Sirius Black because he'll shag anything that moves and some that don't, and maybe your own mother, why do you ask?"
"Uh...I was looking for here, but not anymore I guess. But I am meant to ask you something. Why is Al in a suit of armor and what is with Ed's metal limbs?"
Amaya hesitated. It was one thing to share information like this with Harry Potter, it was another to share it with a fanfic version.
"Fine, but not here.", she said as she pulled him to the side into an alcove.
"Why am I always getting pulled into alcoves?"
"There are so many conviently placed alcoves in this school, aren't there? Anyway..."
Feeling that it might be useful later, she told him their entire story, of what happened to Ed and Al, (except that she had left out the fact that they were looking for the Philosopher's stone, for obvious reasons) who she was, and where they were from, where babies came from, and why no likes New Jersey as well as explaining the quantum physics of the space time paradox as well as how they get the jelly into the jelly donuts. He nodded.
"It all makes perfect sense and I trust everything you say even though you're a Slytherin."
Ed and Al were a little disappointed in her telling him when the four came together later, but not angry about it. The four continued to talk about it as Harry told them about his own adventures, like the time he had to defend the planet from a radioactive beaver when a sudden explosion rocked the building.
"What in merlin's pants was that?", Amaya asked, looking quite alarmed.
"Merlin's pants?", Ed asked.
"Shut up Ed."
The front doors suddenly burst open to reveal none other than Voldemort himself.
"Hey Potter, I decided to kill you right away! By the way, I'm your real father!"
"Run for it!", everyone screamed as they all took off in different directions.
"Let's go to Dumbledore!", Harry suggested.
"Oh yes, let's trust our lives with someone that almost fed us to a human eating beast!", Ed shouted as they approached the headmaster's gargoyle.
"Snickers!"
The gargoyle opened up as everyone stared at Harry.
"That's what he makes me call him when we're..."
"Not now Harry!"
They raced up the stairs and kicked the door open.
"Professor, Voldemort's...OH MY GAWD!"
"Hello everyone. Who wants a lemon drop?"
"DUMBLEDORE, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
Dumbledore frowned as he magiked his clothes back on as well as Mcgonagall's clothes. "What was so important that you had to distract us from our mind-blowing-"
"Voldemort's in the school!", Al warned.
"Don't worry kids, we'll handle it. Trust the adults!", Mcgonagall said confidently, after the shock had worn off.
"Well, this is fantastic. The Death Eaters have rounded up all the teachers and have them tied up in the Great Hall while the rest of us students are barracaded in this disgusting bathroom. What now?", Ed asked to the remaining students in the bathroom.
"Hmm? Sorry, wasn't listening.", Harry said as he put a razor back into his pocket from cutting himself, "Still upset about Sirius even though he hasn't died yet."
"What are we going to do?", Al asked.
"I have a plan...but it's pretty drastic.", Amaya said.
"Like what?"
"We need to distract the Death Eaters to free the teachers. And I know the perfect way."
Edward suddenly paled. "Oh no, not that! You promised!"
"Sorry Ed, but it has to be done. We're going to need some sailor skirts. And lots of them."
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