Salem

"In ages past," Fergus began his explaning, joining me in looking down into the courtyard, refusing to look me in the eyes, "the Couslands were a well respected...magister family."

Shock spiraled through me and I stared at my brother, quizzical. "Magister?" I asked, wondering why no one in my family, of my blood, had ever told me of this. "As in...Tevinter?"

"The very same." he nodded. "Unlike other Ferelden nobles, we were not born here, and cannot trace our ancestroy back to Orlais."

"That much I did know." I replied. "But in all my life I never imagined...our heritage leads back to Tevinter magiesters? If the Landsmeet had known of this..."

"Our titles would have been stripped, our lands foreclosed." Fergus nodded and finished my thoughts. "Possible arrest by templars. Were we to be found out...the backlash would be swift and terrible."

Yes. It would. And it seems that we must always pay for our ancestor's sins. Maker's breath...why did my father never trust me with this?

"Fergus...why?" I asked, needing to know the answers, needing to see the reason. "Why were we never told of this? Why was I never told of this? All the pain that I have endured...I never knew...I never knew that it was yours as well."

"Tradition." my brother offered me a consoling smile. "Father told me as much. Our family history is only relayed at the birth of a child, so that when and if questions arise, they are able to be answered. Our origins cannot be found out. You should not be angry, Salem. Father would have told you, had you ever settled down and carried his grandchildren."

We both know that I had no dreams of such things, dear brother. I am, after all, the child born for mother's sorrow, and you for her joy. And now, even were I to love a man, so much of my body has been damaged. I doubt I could even carry a child full term, and, even if I could, I would not wish to pass on my tainted blood. Why damn an innocent to death before they are even born?

"Settle down?" I grinned. "Perish the thought."

"Why do you think I am telling you now?" Fergus posed a question that needed no answer. "Having witnessed you and your betrothed, it would be cruel not to tell you. I...I can only imagine how difficult this road has been for you, Salem."

"All I desire is an explanation as to why being healed is more torturous than having a sword plunged through my skin." I whispered, my body twitching at the myriad memories is held of being ripped apart.

Fergus winced at my words, his eyes fading into a useless worry as he realized that he had nearly lost me...more times than he could ever comprehend.

"I was...approaching the answer to your question." he tossed me a sly smile and I raised my hands, permitting him to continue. "More than two Ages ago, a young Tevinter magister took a woman to wife. Shortly after they were wed, she became pregnant with their first child."

"Such tends to be the outcome of a wedding." I muttered, wishing that he would get to the end of his tale.

I needed answers, not subtle hints, not bandying about the bush. I needed to know and understand why I had come so close to death on numerous occasions. I needed to prevent that, come the future, come the final battle. For Leliana's sake. For my own.

"Maker's breath, sister!" Fergus exclaimed. "I do not recall you being this impatient."

"This...my time," I stumbled over an explanation, "has become quite precious to me of late. I apologize, Fergus. Please, continue unhindered."

"Thank you." he stressed, grinning like a fool. "Anyhow, our ancestor, whose, before you interrupt me to inquire, name has been lost to history, conceived a child. But, when the babe was born, the birth was difficult. His wife gave him a son, but the healers informed him that the woman's life was fading, and that there was no magical remedy, no cure."

"That is common." I could not restrain myself from speaking. "Unfortunate, but common."

"It is." Fergus agreed. "But not in this case. The Cousland magister loved his wife beyond sanity, beyond any shade of reason. So he walked into the Fade and sought the one thing that could restore his wife to him."

I felt blood drain from my face as I realized where this tale journeyed. Dark places. Places I had been to before, that set a chill in my blood and hazed my thoughts with pain. It appeared that I was not the first of my line to travel those paths.

"Go on." I spoke, hoarse.

"He...he found a desire demon and made a contract. Again, no one remembers the exact contract made, only that he brokered it so that his wife would survive, in return for payment. A payment that was never made."

"Cousland possessed the Tevinter arrogance." I gritted my teeth, feeling shame, for the first time, at the thought of my heritage. "The same arrogance that created the darkspawn. So," I glanced at my brother's raised eyebrows, "the contract was broken. And the punishment was?"

"The harshest ever dealt to a magister family." Fergus answered. "The demon stripped Cousland of their magic, declaring that they would never again know its power, and that they would suffer from its touch, no matter its intent. Apparently the curse has waned...I know I have dreams, but..."

"As do I." terrible, dark disturbing dreams. "So that is the sum of it?"

That is why I must scream out in agony when a kind woman reaches to heal me? That is why I dread having my own life restored? Because a man with whom I share blood once loved...because an arrogant man wished to defy the gods? A man who gave me my name, who granted my family its lineage...an utter fool. But, faced with losing Leliana, I challenged my convictions, my thoughts, I must confess that I might do the same.

"I see." I sighed. "And this is where the vaunted Cousland honor was born? Why we strive to fight to pay all of our debts, why have we never kept another enslaved?"

"Though I never saw it in that light, you could speak true." Fergus pondered my questions. "The story, as father told it, was that Cousland was exiled from Tevinter after his magic was stripped. Blood magisters...as long as debts to their demons are paid, all is well."

"I am certain that, whoever he was...he knew the cost." I whispered, praying that it was true.

"There is no victory in a deal with demons." Fergus spat, his disdain for magic clear in his tone. "No triumph. He would have damned our family in one manner or another. At least, for us, as we are now, it is a lesser sentence."

"Yes." I mused, staring at the moon. "And, I suppose, we should be grateful. Magic is...in these times and in this place...a deadly gift. I know I would not desire to liv ein a Circle, confined and cloistered and hidden from the world. Ferelden has one of the more loosely governed circles in Thedas, and still the mages are pariah."

"I, for one, desire no more temptation than is already present." Fergus' lips turned downward as he restrained more powerful emotions. "Were I a mage, I would have called to me demons of desire and vengeance, brought my wife and son back from the dead, destroyed Howe and Amaranthine, and paid whatever price the demons demanded...gladly."

"I understand." I commisterated with my brother, setting my hand on his shoulder.

I would not tell him. He had no need of knowing that I had stood in the Fade, face to face with a demon, hovering over the edge of surrender. I had been blind, and felt vulnerable...but I had not given in.

At that time, I thought I would give anything to have my sight returned to me. But I would never, never take that final step into oblivion. Even though the blighted demon made me watch my lover die. Even though they offered to give me that which I most desired. Especially not now, not now when I realize that the echoes of actions taken impact those ages away. But I harbor no anger towards this nameless ancestor, whoever he might have been. He took desperate action for love. I have no right to accuse the dead.

"I am certain you do." Fergus offered a sad smile to the moon. "You loved them too. But that is the tale of Cousland's curse, and we must bear it, for good or ill."

"It is not so terrible." I lied, wishing to spare him the knowledge of my suffering. "Thank you...thank you for telling me."

"I wish it were a story of nobility and honor...that which Cousland is known for in this land." Fergus apologized to me for ancient deeds done. "But it is not. It was a selfish man who thought he could tear down heaven."

I cannot fault him, Fergus. I cannot.

"He was a man who loved." I comforted my brother. "That has not changed. We have always managed to cause scandal by marrying for love."

"And you are continuing a fine tradition." Fergus lifted an imaginary glass in toast. "You should not be here, Salem. You should be with her...the one you love...while you still have the time."

Time...time that I feel creeping in my shadow, taunting me with sunrise as it grows shorter...and shorter still. There is a weight in my heart, crushing me. I do not know if I can face Leliana, knowing that soon all of Thedas' fate will be decided...knowing that I might be going to my death.

"I am fine here a while longer." I avoided my desires, my fears, my insecurities.

Fergus glowered at me. "Get off of this rampart this instant." he ordered as he had once done, when we were young, and I still foolish enough to obey my older brother. "There are fears around every corner, death in every thought, and you are overburdened. Breathe while you can, love while you may. Please, Salem...for the sake of what we lost, take what we now have and cherish it."

Cherish it. Cherish her. Forget the past, ignore the future...and live.

"As you say." I embraced him quickly and left, seeking out a beautiful woman who carried my ring on her finger and my heart in her hand.

That ring...a promise I might never be able to fulfill. A debt I might not live to repay.