/ - 3 - /

edward is so fucking nice to me nowadays that i want to vomit on him. two weeks have gone past and he hasn't made a single even slightly rude comment.

i can't bear thinking that it's due to him being sorry for me because he thinks i have a malfunction. i don't, as it happens - just an idiosyncrasy. i don't know why i even told him what i told him. it's not something i've admitted to the girls despite claire and i having talked about sex in toe-curling detail. i know she likes her men big and dark with no chest hair but with a happy trail, and her favorite position is doggy-style. me? i like tall, skinny guys and i like face-to-face, and i don't care who's on top. emily - she doesn't really show much interest in anyone and for all i know she's turned on by butterflies and snowflakes. none of us have a boyfriend. i've had some short-lived affairs but i lack staying power with guys. my wishlist only has four things on it - that they're able to hold a conversation, they can laugh, they're fair-minded, and they're not repulsive, but that's too many requirements, apparently. and now circumstances beyond my control have led to my having to share way more time and space than i'd choose with a human being of the male variety who really tries my patience.

'you're shitting me,' i tell edward when he tries to take the vacuum cleaner from me one day.

'why?'

'since the other night you're treating me differently.'

'no, i'm not.'

'you're acting like i'm an invalid or disabled.'

'because i'm trying to do the vacuuming?'

'i'm capable of managing one or two things, you know.'

'i never said you weren't.'

'fine. have it your way. oh gee - i just dropped a packet of cheerios. they've gone everywhere. sorry about that.'

i flounce away and leave him to it. i'm mad at myself because i just am. edward thinks i can't have orgasms and he's sorry for me and he's turned me into the guest of honor at a daily pity party in my own fucking house. i can have orgasms as it happens. i can have plenty of orgasms, and they don't all have to be self-generated either. fuck him and his sympathy.

we're home one thursday, edward and i, enduring a rare bonding ordeal while claire and emily have gone to the store for life's main necessity, chocolate. once a week the household has movie night and tonight's my pick. i've chosen a french movie called tomboy which got good write-ups.

the girls can't get back soon enough, both because i want chocolate so hard my mouth's already watering and because ten minutes alone with ratfree is more than plenty.

he's browsing the film's reviews when he suddenly says, 'oh my god.'

'what?'

'i get it.'

good for him. i've no idea what he gets but he's staring at me.

'that night - you told me no guy's ever been able to make you come - ' he starts.

it's not exactly what i said and i'm about to correct him but he's still talking.

'shit, it all makes sense. i understand what you meant. okay, i'm clear on that now.'

'clear on what?'

'your sexuality. it's cool. i don't mean, like it's cool - i mean i'm cool with it. fuck, that's not what i mean. god, it's not like you need my permission. or my approval,' he rambles.

'what?' i'm still saying.

'you're not into guys. that's fine. i shouldn't have made any assumptions. but it's all good. right?'

ratfree's flustered. it's pretty funny. i could run with this for days.

'so you've worked out - i'm gay.'

'uh. yeah?'

'how could you tell?'

'well - um. based on - ah - you not, um, being, er - responsive - ah - '

yep, this has mileage.

the others come home, he and i sit at opposite ends of the couch, the movie is poignant, and emmy says, 'i can really relate to that girl.'

'she's nothing like you,' claire points out.

'i know,' em nods.

ratfree's got me thinking though. i'm sieving through my memory trying to remember the last time i enjoyed a close encounter with a guy other than the regrettable episode at the party, and i realise it's been weeks. enough weeks that it could more accurately be termed months. i've been occupied with study and work and life in general, and somehow that side of things has just slipped. none of us girls have done any boy-chasing lately - it's probably why we were all perfectly happy until edward came along.

so. i decide to try and find a guy to sex up. college should be full of them, you would think, although it occurs to me maybe it's best if i pick someone i'm not likely to be constantly running into afterwards, just in case i don't like him.

there's a venue a few blocks away that often has good bands on and it seems as good a hunting ground as any. i pop in there with claire one night and scope the place.

'hey, you remember that horrendous jane hayes who graduated with a master's in 'i hail from satan's bowels' from college the year we started? i think that's her twin brother whatsisname over there,' claire says, pointing with no subtlety whatsoever at a guy on the other side of the room. luckily for him he's not looking at us. he is a bit boring, so i don't bother with a second look.

when i drop in with em a couple of nights later, he's there again.

'do you know that guy?' i ask her.

'sure. he's nice. he fixed my bike once and carried my sewing machine.'

she goes and says hi and chats for a minute and whatsisname just got ten out of ten because emily's character judgement is never wrong.

the next time i go in i'm on my own. i get a drink and find a seat near whatsisname but not right on top of him. i keep looking around. then i tap at my cell and make a pretend, hushed call. then i bite my lip and look around some more like i'm trying to make a decision. then i take a deep breath and step towards him.

'hey - you're jane hayes's brother, aren't you? alec?'

'yeah,' he answers.

'how's she doing these days? i'm bella, by the way. i used to know her but we fell out of touch.'

'she's good,' he says.

'great. oh, and i live with emily young - i think she knows you. well, anyway, i was meeting a friend here to watch this band but she's just bailed and i really like them but i'm uncomfortable sitting by myself. is this seat taken? do you mind if i sit here?'

smooth.

'that's fine,' he says.

'thanks.'

he's got no idea i'm hitting on him because i'm so fucking low key. i don't even speak to him except for once when i lean over and say, 'these guys are great, aren't they?'

he nods. it's really too loud to get a conversation going.

we're there until the band finishes, and the next part of my plan is crucial. it won't work unless he's chivalrous, but from what em said, he is.

'well, i enjoyed that. guess i'll head out now. see you again some time,' i tell him, standing.

'how are you getting home?'

thank christ, that's what i needed him to say.

'walking. it's only a couple of blocks.'

'you shouldn't go on your own. i'll walk you home.'

result! possibly.

'thanks. i don't know why we haven't really talked before. i mean, i've noticed you,' i say.

'you have?'

a bit. sort of.

at our house i fidget with my keys and say, 'hey, thanks a lot for tonight. like, your company and for walking with me. would you like to come in?'

'ah - '

'we have cookies! oh, no we don't, we ate them all. sorry.'

he laughs a little and says, 'okay, sure. no cookies. could i use your bathroom?'

inside the front door, i tiptoe past edward's room, even though his light is off. i show alec where the downstairs bathroom is and i offer him leftovers from the pizza edward made earlier.

'this is good,' he says, swallowing before he speaks. nice manners, noted. 'well, now you're home safe and sound, i'll take off. thanks for the pizza.'

'do you want to come upstairs?' i blurt.

he looks around the room, then back at me.

'upstairs?'

'yeah.'

'what are you saying? just so i've got it right,' he says.

'i'm asking if you want to stay. with me.'

i don't exactly mean stay with. i mean sleep with. i mean, have sex with.

'stay? ah. wow. spontaneous. you're suggesting something casual, are you?' he asks. 'just for tonight?'

'yeah.'

'i don't have a condom.'

'i've got one.'

it seems to take him a while to decide, during which time i become nervous. there's the potential here for huge embarrassment. finally he steps closer, slipping a hand under my hair.

'let's try the taste test.'

his kiss is good. i mean, it's light and sweet, with no tongue. it's like a first date kiss. i feel as if i should respond shyly, and i do. when he pulls away, i'm blushing like a teenager.

'do i pass?'

he smiles. 'easily. do i?'

'oh, definitely.'

in my room he seems happy enough, and he's not in any rush. we make out standing up for ages before he slips a hand under my shirt.

'is this okay?'

'yes.'

i was getting a bit worried about his hesitancy, but he's not hesitant, just gentle. my shirt comes off and so does his and we move to the bed. his hands on my breasts feel nice. his mouth feels nice, too. he eases my jeans off slowly and his hand slips between my legs. i stop him by reaching for his belt and together we deal with his pants. we're both in underwear and i pull him down to me and wrap my thighs around his hips. they're the perfect width, which is an unexpected realisation - it's not something i've ever thought of before. i push up, into his erection, and he pushes forward and matters go from nice to seriously? really quickly. i mean, i know sexual compatibility is a very real thing but i've never felt this good this fast. at times i haven't felt this good at all. he presses open-mouthed kisses to my throat as i run my hands over his back, feeling the muscles flex, and marveling that i got so lucky. we're writhing together, and i know it's good for him too because i can see the surprise and pleasure in his eyes. the need to get fully naked is becoming urgent when i register that the thumping sound i can hear isn't my own heartbeat.

it's coming from my door, which, about a second later, bursts open.