Chapter 3: You (Must) Act the part
Masataka Ikari loved his daughter.
After the tragic death of his wife in an accident he was sure SEELE had some part in, Masataka had devoted himself to making sure his precious Yui had a good life. Despite his GEHIRN duties keeping him busy, he was relatively successful; he never missed a birthday, always attended her ceremonies and treated her to her favorite dinners while encouraging her to continue working hard, maintained some knowledge of her interests at all times and most of all, told her he loved her every time they saw each other.
Some might call that coddling, but Yui adored him for it.
And if she was inclination, he'd made a damn fine single parent with how she'd loved and cared for his grandson, her choice in husband aside.
He only met Shinji once before…the change: he'd been about three years old, playing with paper and trying to make origami animals. A very quiet little boy, and shy too; he'd run to hide behind his mommy when Masataka had crouched down to say hello to him.
Yui had joked that most grandpas weren't 6-8 and broad-shouldered like he was, which Max had laughed at. The older man had sighed and felt some comedic sadness in the fact his grandson was scared of him….to say nothing of Gendo's slight smirk at the sight, the little punk.
In contrast, whenever Yui was present or addressing him, Shinji's eyes glowed with happiness and love. He'd happily dash over to her, hug and kiss her while babbling happily…and Yui would return all of that affection with interest.
By the time their visit had ended, Masataka felt a tug on his pants; Shinji handed him an origami dragon. A little crude, but it was still a cute and well loved gift that he kept near his person all these years.
And now here they were; in an abandoned amusement park he was sure he might've taken Yui to once, about to have another confrontation with the grandson he barely knew.
"Gramps!" Joker beamed. "You wouldn't believe the months I've had: The bastard king finally calls me up….to pilot the mecha that swallowed mom, ironically…and low and behold, I have a job killing monsters and being surrounded by babes out of a wet dream. Next thing I know, they kick me, Harley and Quinn out for 'being crazy', which is JUST uncle, auntie and cous all over again!"
Max sighed at the mention of Shinji's guardians, as did Masataka. The less tought of them the better.
"And then they call me back to sabotage another robot! Though that wasn't too bad….kind of fun, actually. Do you know I have a sister?"
"….What."
"Yeah, I really do! Well, technically she's a clone of mommy, but.."
CRACK!
"Masataka-sensei!" Max rushed over to see him bleeding from his bands, where the remains of a crush cane were now imbued into.
"It's fine. Countinue, Joker."
A blush suddenly filled the boy's face and he clasped his hands as a legitimately goofy smile crossed his face.
This instantly put the two adults on their edge.
"Well here's the biggest news gramps: Drum roll please!"
….
….
"Come on, is too much to ask for a drumroll?" Joker huffed.
Drums started rolling from a seemingly broken robot.
"Thank you. Grandpa…I'm in love."
The drum roll continued after the reveal, but Masataka and Max were frozen in mixed emotions: Shock that anyone would catch the mad-boy's attention for anything beyond one of his jokes
"Well, her name is Asuka, she's a Sagittarius, red haired, a genius in…Look; you can stop the drum roll now!"
The robot's arm promptly fell off and the drum roll stopped.
"Thank you. Anyways, Asuka's a genius, graduated from the army and is a Lutienant, and she makes me feel normal and not angry about it. Speaking of which, Maxy isn't reaching to shoot me." Joker noted. "I guess you're out of darts?"
Max sighed.
"We all know you're immune to most tranquilizers."
"I built up an immunity!" Joker beamed, bragging obvious in his voice. "But good old Joker venom gas production does help.
"So!" what brings you here?"
Masataka, his bleeding hand now wrapped in a makeshift bandage, stepped forward.
"Shin…Joker."
"Finally!" The clownish boy smiled, waving his hands in the air. "Praise the non-existent lord, he finally gets it!"
"I want to talk."
"You already are."
The good doctor finally lost his patience with his grandson.
"Don't you understand, Shinji?!"
Joker sighed
"Knew it couldn't last." He smirked.
"I don't…! I don't want to hurt you. I don't want either of us to end up killing the other. But we're both running out of alternatives... and we both know it. I wasn't there for you, I don't deny it. But I'm trying to make it up to you and….and….And I don't have much longer."
That got Joker's attention.
"Max." The doctor commanded. "Show him."
The young woman anxiously sorted through her bag and threw a folder at her sensei's grandson. The clownish boy picked up the folder to the sight if a brain-scan with marks that even he knew didn't belong.
"At the best, Masataka-sensei has a year or two left." Max confessed, holding back her tears.
The trio stood in silence for a while longer.
"Maybe it all hinges on this moment." Masataka mused. "Maybe this is our last chance to sort this bloody mess out. If you don't take it, then we're both locked onto a suicide course. Both of us. To the death. It doesn't have to end like that. I don't know what it was that bent your life out of shape, but who knows? Maybe I've been there too. Maybe I can help. We could work together. I know a few truly good people who could rehabilitate you. You needn't be out there on the edge anymore. You needn't be alone. What do you say?"
They stop in silence for a good few minutes.
"Please Shinji…I'm begging you!"
….
"So…you're apologizing." Joker asked, completely serious.
"Yes." Masataka sighed.
"Okay." Joker mused. "I don't forgive you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure Rei didn't kill NERV's top scientist."
"Shinji, wait…" Max started.
"No. He and Gendo don't get closure, Maxy. They, and you by association, have to live with the shitty thing they did for the rest of your life. Gramps, you have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay! But on the bright side, I don't hate you nearly as much as my…."
He paused and bit his lip to say the next word.
"Father."
Oh his non-existent god, that felt horrible.
"Shinji, please!" Masataka begged. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when it happened!"
"I don't care about whatever happened!" Joker snapped. "I did fine; I'm having a good life. I'm happy with who I am. But back then…back then, what I needed then was family who loved me. And you abandoned me. And I will never forgive you for that."
He then pulled out a pistol and placed it on the old man's temple.
"Now get the * #^ out of my way."
"I know that I…"Masataka started, only to be cut off by.
"Three thousand, five hundred and forty nine." A softer, broken voice said.
"…what?"
"The number of days since the bastard whose sperm was donated to bring me to this snooze-fest of existence sent me off to live with unc. Also the number of days anyone from the family bothered to so much as acknowledge that I even existed."
"It was SEELE!"
"Max, no!" Masataka started
"No sensei, I will not stand by and let them destroy you anymore!" She then marched right up to the clownish boy. "Shinji, there's a secret group out their that bought outb your grandfathers company and used their influence to keep him from you. I'll probably die saying this, but to see Masataka-sensei happy would be worth…"
"…Oh, you mean the old guys Gendo was working for?"
"Yes I….wait. Worked? As in…past tense?" Max realized.
"I killed them all on my first night in Tokyo-3." Joker beamed with pride. "They were at a meeting with Gendo, started talking like they were critics…so I offed em with machine gun."
The two adults' jaws dropped.
"So…they were the reason mom's stuck in that robot wannabe?" The boy asked
"…Yes, most likely, though I doubt it would be that simple." Mastaka said.
The boy put his gun away, walked up to the massive gentleman and outstretched his hand..taking off the glove to make sure he had nothing on it.
"Well then, Jiji…" He smiled. "We got ourselves an agreement: I take care of the angels and try your therapy. But! Don't go round expecting a miracle."
Masataka smiled and stretched out his own hand
"That's all I ask…Shinji."
The clownish boy soon found himself in a tight embrace. He instantly tried to break out, but soon the dreaded feelings shifted; he felt….warm. Like with Asuka. Except not of course, that'd be creep…
Joker/Shinji smiled warmly into the embrace, not realizing a tear was streaking down his face.
XXX
Asuka sighed in content as she marched back into Misato's apartment. On her way out, she'd found a white rose and small bit of paint with her name on it. When she'd smelt the rose, it was real, which made her question the paint. She then flipped over her name as saw tiny picture of Alice in Wonderland's famous painting the roses.
She had laughed lighty. Just not the same without Shinji himself.
The Great Asuka Langely Soryu was on cloud nine: Papa and the skank had gotten their just desserts
"Misato, I'm home!" She announced as she opened the door, only to be greeted to the sight of her guardian and former crush mid lip-lock with their clothes dishelveled.
"Oh, hi Kaji! Finally back with her, eh? Good for you, the unresolved sexual tension was killing the atmosphere."
"Hey!" Misato started defensively, only to realize what was going on.
…..
…
"…You're not upset with this?" Kaji asked
"Why would I be?" Asuka said, returning her attention back to the rose and sighing contently. "Shinji…"
She then marched back into her room and started laughing when she remembered the pain induced last words of her father; 'please sir…I want some more!'
"Ha ha ha ha!" She laughed manically, wiping a tear from her eye, "T-t-that was a pretty good one!"
The two adults, still straddling each other, just stood there in shock
"I feel so used…" Kaji whimpered.
"Well now you know how I felt, you prick!" Misato, smacking her former/ current/ on-off lover across the face. "Did I mean that little to you?
"Misa-chan…" Kaji smiled
"WHAT?"
"You're sexy when you're mad, I ever tell you that?" Kaji asked, delighting at the sight of the love of his life blushing up a storm and pouting away before steeling her face in an annoyed look
"Shut up and kiss me, stupid Kaji."
And that's what he did.
"Oh, by the way, Kaji!" Asuka shouted from her room. "I just remembered: Shinji wanted to talk to you; something about dead old seals and a block of Adam, whatever that means."
XXX
"Rei, I'm back and…GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!"
Joker returned to the room he shared with his sister to find it a complete and utter mess: ripped cloth, the computer with a video on loop, sprawls of make-up and what he assumed to be ketchup on the walls, various gadgets broken and covered in something…
"And now, Dr. Akagi." Rei's monotone voice brought the Joker back to reality. "The finale."
The bound and gagged scientist, giggling and crying at the same time as Rei brought out the rubber chicken she'd spied earlier and a toilet plunger
After the emotional rollercoaster that had been the last few hours, this was not something Joker was completely welcomed to find greeting him at home, alotugh it did give him the chance to ask the good doctor
"Remember Dr. Akagi… There may be some momentary discomfort." Rei said as she prepared to do whatever she had planned, only for a gloved hand to stop her.
"Rei!"
"Welcome back, Joker." She said as warmly as she could, Harley and Quinn racing to their daddy and licking his face clean.
"That'll be all for now." Joker smiled, taking away his sister's toys after happily taking the hyena's licks and wiping his face from their spit and drool.
"I'm not done yet." Rei pouted cutely.
"I was gone for a night and half a day, what the heck were you doing?!" Joker asked.
"Venting long repressed frustrations." Rei admitted plainly, a smile crossing her face. "Many, MANY….frustrations.
"And the Youtube video?" Joker asked.
"I wanted to show you what Dr. Akagi came over for." Rei explained. "While you laughed at the clones, you did not permit me or even her the chance to show you my work."
After watching the video of clones of his sister dressed in clothes from all over the world and singing 'It's a Small world after all', Joker turned, tears of joy streaming down his face.
"I….am….SO PROUD OF YOU!"
He took Rei into a hug and pecked her on the cheek before turning his attention to Ritsuko.
"Have you learnt your lesson, Blondie?" Joker asked
Ritsuko feverishly nodded, relishing and gasping for air as her gag was removed.
"You still smart?" Joker asked.
Ritsuko, still too shocked to say anything, nodded feverishly.
"Good, cause before we let you go, I got one last question for you."
Joker made his way to the freezer and pulled out something in a block that instantly made Ritsuko's eyes widen in shock.
"So I was on a boat, saw a guy I didn't like, went to his room, found this, and learnt he was going to give it to Gendo…What is it and what I can do with it?"
XXX
The next day at school, Asuka happily hopped along the halls, ignoring all the hoots and hollers sent her way: The image of a gently smiling, chalk skinned and red lipped boy with beautiful eyes always on her mind.
"You're in a good mood." Hikari, the one person Asuka could safely say she liked, noted as they sat down for lunch.
"Baka-Shinji made the best move ever." Asuka smiled, pulling out a bento Rei had handed her in the morning; something that her boyfriend and Rei's….mentor? Friend...whatever, had made for them.
Hikari was understandably surprised at her friend having no problem being with the apparently psychotic boy, but a smile still crossed her face
"Oh really?" She smiled. "What'd he do?"
"Oh you know…" Asuka smiled knowingly. "He took every single one of my problems and made them disappear, we had a philosophical discussion about comedy and life, he's surprisingly deep minded, by the way….and he showed me the city from the top of a Ferris wheel."
Hikari had to admit…that was pretty sweet.
"So, you cracked his crazy core?" She teased
"Nein." Asuka shrugged. "Like I said, he got rid of all my problems in his own way…and to be honest, there something kind of…fun and sweet about his madness. He swoons over me like no tomorrow and treats me just as I always dreamt of being."
"It is his apparent madness that draws people to him." Rei butted in. "Myself, Kensuke….While he is indeed, as the saying goes; nutty as a fruit-cake, there is some profund wisdom within Joker's…"
"Shinji's." Asuka corrected.
"….words."
Lunch was silent for a while at the two girls, radically different yet at the same time very alike, began to stare at each other.
"Hey, where is the clown, anyways?" Toji suddenly asked, both trying to change the topic and allivate his fears around the boy.
"He's entertaining the kids at the Hospital all morning." Kensuke added
"And then he has a triple Eva sync test starting at lunch." Rei finished with a sigh. "It is unlikely he shall be in class for the rest of the day."
Toji let out a sigh of relief and went back to enjoying lunch, before remembering Sakura was still in the hospital and then remembering the clown was geninunelly fond of her and wouldn't hurt her as long as Toji stayed in line and did a favor that had yet to be called in for.
Eventually, bentos were finsiehd and put away. Asuka made her way
"…Thanks." Asuka forced. "In case I don't see him, tell baka-Shinji…"
"Joker."
"…that it was delish and he now has the great honour of cooking my lunches every day."
"…I still don't like you." Rei said plainly. "And if you ever hurt him…I will kill you."
"You're welcome to try Wondergirl." Asuka smirked
XXX
Meanwhile, Joker sat in Unit 01, conversing with the soul of his mother, thankfully the first of the tri-synchro test.
His grandfather's condition was the main concern of their talk.
"I mean, it's only been a year I know, but still, it's been one of the few constants in my life, mom!" He explained to his mother. "There's a certain….rhythm to this whole thing! I cause trouble, gramps shows up. He either stops or covers up whatever I did, we play a round or two of tag with Max, maybe chat a bit while I have a dart our two in me and the game starts all over again! Who's going to come after me if he's not around? Max? I don't think so: like her and all…."
"Is she married yet?" Yui cut in.
"…Nah, don't think so." Joker answered after a moment. "Always thought she and Gramps had some sort of Dr. Who and companion thing going on."
"…ew, gross." Yui cringed playfully.
"I know right?" Joker smiled. "Never found anything to prove it though. Anyways, I like her and all, she kept gramps happy and after me and I know she won't stop until I'm back to normal, whatever that is…but it….just wouldn't be the same, you know? Me and gramps going at it with yelling and the punchin and the let me save you from yourself…that was the closest thing I had to bonding time with any family until I came here."
"I see, Shinji." Yui answered, hugging her son. Much like Asuka, she was the only person who got to call him by his old name without consequence.
Speaking of whicj
"So…you and Kyoko's daughter?"
"…Wait, you knw Asuka's mom?" Joker asked.
"Only by reputation." Yui said. "You'll have to talk to her next
The clown boy's form filled with fear and realization.
"His sync ratio dropped by 50%...wait, no its back." Maya and Shigeru noted in the real world
"I think he's been in there enough." Misato mused, signalling the end of the sync test.
"Well Shinji, looks like this is goodbye for now…" Yui said sadly.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Joker teared. "Mommy, I don't want you to go! I'm about to face the parent of the love of my life, I don't know what to do about grandpa and all my ideas…"
Yui hugged her son and place a gentle kiss on his forehead. Just as she vanished and he returned to the world, she smiled once again and simply said
"I love you, Shinji. You just do what you think is best."
Quickly rubbing the tears from his eyes, Joker made his way over to Unit 02, which proved…interesting to say the least:
"Safe to say Red gets her looks and brains from you." He started at first.
Kyoko just stared at him.
"Look, I know I'm probably not your first choice for Asuka, but…"
"Did you make it painful for my idiot of a husband?"
Joker stopped.
"I had him and the skank transported in a create, if that means anything?"
The blonde woman growled
"How bad were they to her?"
"I don't inquire." Joker admitted. "When Asuka's ready, I'll be all ears. Until then, I'll let her be unless it's hurting her."
Kyoko smiled at the boy her daughter had grown to love.
"Can you at least give her the idea to open up her mind so I can talk to her myself?"
Joker saluted her.
"May take a while, you know that right? Asuka's not the easiest gal to motivate when she's stubborn…"
"I can wait."
Unit 00 was a complete disaster.
"There's a word for people like you, lady." He'd told the late Naoko Akagi after spending two minutes with her. "Here's your hint; five letters, starts with B….and rhymes with 'Eotch.'"
He'd then ended the link, giving the impression he wasn't compatible with Unit 00. However, everyone noticed it didn't rampage…for good reason:
Inside the unit, Naoko's soul was frozen in shock, realization and fear at what she'd seen Yui's son's mind.
"…I wasted my life."
XXXX
A few hours later, Joker returned to his apartment exhausted and barely giving his pets attention. He plopped onto the comfy chair and flipped on the TV
"And coming to you live, Tokyo-3 today!" A cheerful voice beamed.
"…Ah, why not?" He mused, patting Harley as she handed him a soda and Quinn gave him a box of pizza. Grabbing a cold slice of pepperoni he got ready.
The host was a fellow in his early thirties, broad shouldered and chiselled face and a smile that made Joker cringe,
"And today, we have very special guests and a very special topic: The attacks on our city and the machines that battle them: The Evagelions themselves!"
An applause filled the room.
"Wait, what?" Joker asked, spitting out his drink. This couldn't be real! No way would Gendo allow…
Oh wait! Wasn't he in Antarctica or something? This must've been the old man's idea to give NERV a better image.
"We even have two of the three pilots joining us!"
"Why wasn't I invited?" Joker asked, hurt in his voice, Harley and Quinn shrugging.
"And here they are!"
Asuka and Rei walked onto the stage getting applause and a few hoots and hollers….and the host was clearly looking at certain parts of them.
Joekr growled in his spot, which increaded when he took their hands and kissed when they clearly expected a handshake.
He touched her.
And made it clear he liked her in a romantic way.
Her.
Asuka.
HIS Asuka.
Fury filled the clown-boy, and with a dramatic step that made the hyenas whimper, he marched/ trudged over to the phone and dialed the first number that came to his mind:
"Misato?"
"Oh hey, Shinji! What's up?" She cheerfully replied, fresh off another steaming session of make-up angry sex with Kaji
"… Ordinarily, I'd correct you in Rei's place, but I need a lift to the studio she and Asuka are at ASAP and quite frankly, you're the only one in NERV that I both like and know has a valid license."
Once Misato agreed and made her way to pick him up, Joker grabbed a suitcase that had been in the back of the apartment since he arrived.
"No one pyshco-analyzes anybody when I'M around!" He grumbled, quickly returning to the phone to make one more call.
"Kenny my man!" He smiled. "That hacking I asked you to do? Yes, that's the one. Are finish…?"
BLEEP!
He briefly moved the phone from his ear to see he had a massive email with 3 attachments. Quickly scanning them, he smiled and retruned to the call
"Still there? Thanks. No, no Kenny, that'll be all for now. Yes, yes, I'll see you in class."
He then hung up and dashed out the door before pausing mid-step and dashing back in to throw a robber for Harley and Quinn to eat. The hyenas whined
"No babies, you stay here." Joker cooed, flipping the TV back on. "Watch daddy, mommy and auntie Rei from here."
XXX
"YEEHAW! FASTER!"
AS Misato drove as she usually did, she was happy to have someone who didn't badmouth her driving skills.
"HA! I think you hit a wheelcha…No wait, it was a cow! HA! That's even better!"
"Good to see your enjoying yourself, Shinji." Misato smiled
"It's Joker!" He said. "Come on, I even pointed out how rude it was to call me by that name on the boat!"
"No, you said, and I quote…" The clearing of a throat. "'Calling someone is not just unprofessional, but its plain rude.' End quote. You never said it was your name. And like I said, your registered as Shinji Ikari, that's what I'll call you until it changes."
Joker seemed shocked and looked over his shoulder. He reached over and saw words that he scanned.
"Huh….I didn't after all."
He then looked at something in front of him
"That's right reader….The fourth wall? It means nothing to me. Bye de bye for now, I got an audience yon educate."
"So…What you going to do?" Misato asked teasingly.
Joker's smile turned evil as he formed a period with his fingers.
"Show the world what happens when you mess with a clown's treasures."
Deep in Antarctica, Gendo suddenly felt a twinge of fatherly pride….which he promptly crushed and ignored at the memory that thanks to his son's corruption of Rei, Ritsuko could no longer stand the sight of him without shrieking and running in fear into the surprinsgly strong arms of Maya Ibuki.
Who was very happy about tat
XXX
Asuka and Rei could safely say this farce was not worth the good NERV image Fuyutsuki wanted: The host was clearly checking them out, and the psychologists acted like they were little kids. While they brought up decent, if half assed points….
Music suddenly burst through the room; Happy. The door then opened dramatically, revealing a purple, white, red and green figure that the two pilots were familiar with.
"Ah…" Joker beamed. "Nothing like a little happy tune to make yourself at home! Sorry I'm late ladies and gents…you know, I had the hardest time finding this place, you wouldn't believe how rude reception and security was to me."
"Shinji!" Asuka beamed as she leapt onto her boyfriend, smothering him in a kiss,
"AWOOOOOO!" Joker howled happily, taking the red-head into his arms and cradling her as he took her seat and patted Rei on the head.
"For those who don't know, I'm Joker." The boy smiled. "Designated pilot f Unit 01. The big purple one with the horn. As to why I wasn't invited….…It's because I'm white and have a dick, isn't it?"
"On top of that," The host said. "I'm told you've killed at least 100 people in two years….why should we listen to another madman?"
"Hören Sie hier, Sie egoistisch laut Mund!" Asuka erupted at the sleezy man's words against her beloved. Only she got to point out Shinji's flaws!
"Translation:" Rei said calmly, though inwardly she fumed as well. "Now listen here you egotistical hothead."
"That's right." One of the doctors said, taking Joker into a comforting embrace. "This is a sensitive boy with a lot on his plate. I for one, will not stand and let be belittled."
The clown boy looked at the man who dared to act like he knew him and smacked himself out of his touch.
"That's alright, its okay." Joker smiled, seemingly not bothered at all by the host's words as he reached for a mug. "Haters going to hate. I want people to get me."
He took a sip before his face turned serious.
"That's why I'm going to kill everyone in this room who doesn't have children to go home to."
The host and crowd bleached back at the boy's words.
"He doesn't really mean that." Both psychologists said.
"He enjoys the feeling of power but lacks the will to do it."
"I know several people who would beg to differ." Rei noted.
"You also have to remember that this boy went through a traumatic experience and was abandoned all his life. And now that he's in the spotlight he's become society's psychotic obsession."
"Become?" Joker asked. "I thought society was MY psychotic obsession. And how'd you know that?"
"Masataka Ikari, who has been pursuing you for some years…"
"You stole Grandpa's notes?" Joker asked, growling. His hate for this man increased.
"What is that you want, Joker?" the host said. "Aside from spending time with these two lovly ladies…"
Joekr held ASuka closer to him and wrapped his other arm around Rei.
"MINE. And as to what I want….well, world peace would be nice, and a hybrid in every driveway that didn't die when you need it most….end pestilence and crime…end pestilence…"
"You said that already."
"Did I? I'm sorry, memory loss…Can't even remember what made me like this. By the way, do guests get to keep these?" Joker interrupted, pointing to the mug
"Um…yeah sure." The host said. "You do whatever you want with it. We got closets full of…"
SMASH!
The throat of one of the psychologists was slashed by the mug, they other had his balls kicked in by Asuka and then had a blade hidden in Rei's skirt slit his throat.
"So long as you ain't going to miss it." Joker shrugged, Asuka giggling at that.
"You did imply that." Rei smirked.
"Ladies and gentlemen, look under your seats."
They all did, and some found gasmasks.
"For those who have gasmasks, you have a 14 year old hack to thank." Joker smiled, showing his cellphone. "He hacked into your receipts and emails…got me a list of those of you with kids and families. I am indeed a psycho, but I don't orphan kids. As for those of you without….well, not to worry."
He reached into his jacket and threw a can that erupted into smoke,
"This'll put a smile on your faces. TE HA HA HA HA HA!"
"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Rei followed.
"HO HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Asuka joined in.
The host tried to crawl away, only to be greeted by the pants of the pilot who'd crashed the show, pointing a knife in his face.
"You know, I really wish I wasn't this petty, I truly do. But the thing is….I don't like people touching or gawking at my stuff."
The man let out a scream, and the screen then turned to static and bleeped.
XXX
"We interrupt your regularly scheduled programing to bring this important and brief announcement." Rei said as she suddenly appeared on screen before faded….
HA HA HA!
Stick figures danced along the screen, slamming pies in each other's faces and shocking each other with hand-shakes.
"Live...and in person!" Kensuke's voice hollered. "It's the Joker show! And now your host….The Caliph of Clowns, the Grand Mogul of Mountebanks! Humanity's savior and lover of the sexy, sexy lady in red…The One and Only JOKER!"
"Pre-recorded for this time-zone." Rei added before stepping back and revealing a revolving chair in front of a desk with a bowl full of candies and a can of pop, Harley and Quinn on opposite ends of the chair being petted.
"Good evening, ladies and gentle-men. I am tonight's entertainment. And tomorrow's. And next year's."
The two hyenas walked offscreen as one hand popped some candies in his mouth.
"My friends….dear people of Tokyo-3." A voice said. "It has often been stated by the newspapers, rumor-mills and bloggers on the internet that I like jokes. I wish to bash these rumors! I don't simply like jokes…."
The chair turned to reveal Joker, now dressed in a red suit with his hair gelled back. He popped some candies in his mouth and downed some pop before the camera zoomed into his face.
"I LOVE jokes. I love knock-knocks, I love the theories of the chicken and the road! My heart leaps for joy whenever someone applies wordplay and alliteration, my eyes tear happily at the pronunciation and reveal of acronyms. The old calculator pervert trick can always bring a smile to my face. And of course, there is nothing more arousing and satisfying than the smack of a pie to the face and good old fashioned slapstick."
He then stood up and jugged his pop like it was a fine wine in a glass.
"Throughout my 15 years of life, I have come across many different types of jokes that go beyond what most know. And you are all familiar with them yourselves."
"You get up in the morning, get into your crummy car, and see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche. The jokes of class and attainable equality. You make it to work or school, and you find out that the annual drug test is today. Problem? You just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with over bearing parents or a rough shift at work. The joke that of happiness without consequence. Then you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. The joke about everyone being equal regardless of where they come from. You post it online, but then all your friends start arguing about what's right. The joke of opinions being respected. You finally get home, and you decide to relax by watching TV, which makes you dumber in spite of claiming to make you smarter. The joker of intelligence and hypocrisy."
Downing his pop and then tossing it to the floor
What I am telling you, citzens of this apathetic city in a humorless world, is that you have nothing to fear. Starting tomorrow, the war with angels will become much more light on everybody's part. All I, not NERV, not your leaders, not those door to door salesman or church people, ask is that you spread the comedy around. I want a world of laughter. A world of happiness and giddiness. But not just any comedy. No knock knock jokes, no dumb blonde jokes, no AND CERTAINLY NO YOUR MAMA JOKES!"
He calmed down slightly and humped.
"My mommy was a saint."
He then cleared his thoughts again.
"What is it I want? An end to the facades, the begrudging smiles, the refusal to ask questions and flip the finger to the big men. People of Tokyo-3, no the world! The hero calls upon you to do your part in saving the world….the grand finale we all want deep down…. I! WANT! CHAOS! HE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
The picture then returned to a horrifying sight, half of the audience had horrifying smiles on their faces, while the rest held gas-masks to their faces and clawed out at the doors, which opened and let them out running.
"One by One, they'll hear my call. Then this wicked town, will follow my fall." Joker smiled as he poured Asuka and Rei a drink, which they took, clinked and drank together..
XXX
Later, Misato and Joker tried to fix her car, which suddenly stopped working on the way back home.
"Wondergirl, you were supposed to get gas for Misato!" Asuka snapped.
"We have no funds." Rei pointed out. "What was I supposed to do? Fill the tank and ride away?"
Joker nodded.
"…no one tells me anything." Rei pouted.