"Right then!" said the Doctor as he placed Rose's woolly hat on the TARDIS's DNA scanner on the main console. "We should be able to save my friends in no time. I think we'll start with Rose."
"So who's Rose then?" Mark asked.
"Shop girl from London. Blonde. Lovely girl."
"Probably not as lovely as me though." Said Mary Sue. "Because I'm fricking awesome."
The TARDIS shook for a few seconds and then stopped. The four of them stepped out of the blue box into the interior of a barn.
"Cor blimey it proper stinks in 'ere it does!" Sophie exclaimed. "So where are we Doc-tah?"
The Doctor sniffed the air, picked some hay of the floor, ate it and looked at his wrist watch.
"England. At some point in the Middle Ages. I hope we haven't landed in the middle of one of the plague epidemics."
"How do we know for sure that we haven't?" Mark asked.
"I'll ask a local." The Doctor said as he strutted over to a nearby chicken. "Excuse me? I was wondering if you could help us."
After a few seconds he turned back to his companions, "Clucky says its fine."
"You speak chicken now?" Mark said in disbelief.
"I speak everything." The Doctor said smugly.
Clucky the chicken made a few clucking sounds.
"Why thank you!" The Doctor said as he beamed from ear to ear and adjusted his new deerstalker hat. "It is rather cool isn't it?"
Clucky made some more sounds.
The Doctor suddenly looked offended. "No its not!" He adjusted his bowtie. "It's cool too!"
"I can speak chicken too." Said Mary Sue. "I can also speak Martian, French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese. True story."
"Right then, let's get crack-a-lacking!" The Doctor said. "Come along, Clucky."
The five of them stepped out of the barn to find themselves in a medieval hamlet with dozens of people going about their daily business. One of them was using an iPhone because the author didn't do any research on historical accuracy.
"Here's the plan." The Doctor said as he rubbed his hands together. "We find Rose, I do what I do best and talk her captor into submission, hopefully none of us will get shot, stabbed or blown up and finally we take Rose home using the TARDIS. Any questions?"
Clucky made a few clucking noises.
"Oh, shut up. It's a brilliant plan!"
The Doctor, Sophie, Mark and Clucky all suddenly realised that Mary Sue hadn't been paying attention to the Doctor and was staring out across the village.
"'ere wot are you bleeding doing?" Sophie asked the dark haired girl.
"So primitive." Mary Sue said as she looked out at the medieval peasants. "With my good looks, infinite talents and general awesomeness I could rule them. I could rule them all! I will become a queen! Neigh, an empress! Neigh, a goddess! I SHALL HAVE POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! MY ENEMIES SHALL BEG FOR MERCY AS I CRUSH THEM UNDER MY FEET! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!"
It was at this point that Mary Sue was crushed by a piano that fell out of the sky for no adequately explained reason. Why? Because the author had realised that she was a one joke character and that joke was getting old fast.
"I think she's dead." Mark said.
Clucky made some noises.
"Clucky!" The Doctor said in alarm. "Don't speak ill of the dead like that!"
"Where did that piano even blooming come from?" Sophie wondered out loud.
"Probably from the author's ass." Mark muttered under his breath.
"Such a shame." The Doctor said. "A young woman taken from us by a freak accide – hey, look at that guy's cool hat!" He pointed at a bearded man wearing a green cloak and sweet tricorn hat. The man was approaching them at a brisk pace.
"Hello, I'm the Doctor." The Doctor said cheerily as he offered the man a handshake. "Nice to meet a fellow hat fan!"
"I am the Witchfinder General." The man said. "And you are all under arrest."
"Wot's he bleeding on about?" Sophie said.
"You wear strange clothing, you speak in strange incantations and you seem to have the bizarre power to summon pianos with which you use to crush your enemies. There is only one explanation."
"Alright." Said the Doctor. "You got us. We're time travel-"
"WITCHES!" The Witchfinder General bellowed as he pointed an accusing finger at them. "THEY'RE WITCHES!"
"Oh balls."
Later…
"Y'now what? I've been tied to a wooden post so often that it actually feels kind of comfortable to me now."
""I'm sure something will come along to save us. We are the heroes of this story after all."
"But you know what the worse part of this is? They took my new hat off me and burnt it! They said it was satanic! I wonder where Clucky is….."
"Bloody 'ell Doc-tah! Stop talking about that blooming chicken!"
"Oh, would you all just shut up!"
"Now, now Madame Kovarian. You of all people should know that I love to talk."
In the middle of the village square, the Doctor, Sophie, Mark, Madame Kovarian, Rose and a Sontaran soldier had all been tied to wooden posts and were due to be burnt to death soon. Apparently, Kovarian, Rose and the Sontaran had been accused of being witches as soon as they arrived too.
"Nice to see you again Doctor." Said Rose. "I see you've regenerated again."
"Likewise Rose. How are Jackie and Mickey?"
"Well…."
"I can't believe this!" Kovarian yelled. "We're all about to be painfully and slowly executed and you're making small talk!"
"If you don't like it maybe you shouldn't have kidnapped me then." Rose snapped.
"Who's your friend?" Mark said to Kovarian as he gestured (or at least he tied to; he couldn't, what with being tied to a post and all) at the Sontaran.
"He's a mercenary. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude hired one of them to help each of us."
The Doctor burst out laughing. "That's what you call your new boss? You must really adore him! Not to mention the name of your organisation. How did none of you caught on to that?"
"I don't like it any more than you do!"
The Sontaran began to speak: "I am Field Marshall Bob of the Twelve Sontaran Battle Legion. Bob the Butcher."
"Bob?" Mark said as he raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"
"It means 'Almighty Crusader' in Sontaran."
"Of course it bloody does." Mark sighed as he decided to drop the issue.
The Witchfinder General and the villagers had all gathered in the square to watch the execution.
"Witches!" the Witchfinder General bellowed. "You have all been found guilty of witchcraft!"
"Well, we're hardly going to be guilty of credit card fraud are we?" Rose deadpanned.
"Silence, golden-haired harlot of Lucifer!"
"At least the Doctor will die with me." Kovarian said to herself.
"Be quiet, whore of Hades!"
"At least I shall have a warrior's death." Bob said.
"Cease talking, potato-headed spawn of Satan!"
"His insults are creative, I'll give him that." the Doctor said.
"Now, before we sent these witches back to the fiery depths of Hell," the Witchfinder General turned to the large crowd behind him, "does anyone here have any more evidence of their witchcraft?"
"They turned me into a newt!" A man in the crowd said.
Everyone gave him sceptical looks.
"I got better." The man said matter-of-factly.
"I'd like to say something." One of the villagers pushed her way towards the front of the crowd. She removed her iPhone's earphones and continued to speak. "I don't think they are witches. I mean, we haven't actually seen them do any black magic have we?"
They were a few seconds of awkward silence. The Witchfinder General then promptly pulled a 45 glock out of his cloak (despite the fact that guns would not be invented for a few more centuries) and shot the woman dead.
"Does anyone else have any objections?" He said.
The crowd was silent.
"I do." Some random guy said meekly.
The Witchfinder General shot him dead too.
"Anyone else?"
"Um, I think I might."
The Witchfinder General pointed his pistol at the objector.
"Ah, actually I changed my mind!"
"Glad to hear it. More let's get on with this; EastEnders is on in half an hour!"
Suddenly, the ropes binding the Doctor fell to the floor; freeing him. The surprised Time Lord turned around to see Clucky with a sharp knife held in her beak.
"I told you something would come along to save us." Mark said smugly.
"Well done, Clucky!" the Doctor said. "You're my favourite companion!"
Sophie, Mark and Rose all gave the Doctor a combination of hurt and angry expressions.
The Doctor realised his mistake. "Oh, I, ah, didn't mean it like that…"
"No, you've said it." Mark said. "Now we all have to live with it."
A gunshot went off. The Witchfinder General had clearly been aiming for the Doctor but had missed and hit a passing villager instead.
"Could you please stop killing us?" A man in the crowd said.
"Yeah! You go through like five of us a day!" A woman protested.
After quickly shooting the two protesters dead, the Witchfinder General turned his weapon back on the Doctor.
The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and used it to jam the gun's firing mechanism.
"Stay back!" The Doctor said as he waved the screwdriver around like a madman. "If any of you try anything I will use my magic wand to make you dance the Can Can!"
"That doesn't sound so bad." Someone in the crowd said.
"Until you die of exhaustion!" He was bluffing of course. The sonic screwdriver could only cause people to dance the Tango. "Clucky, free Sophie, Mark and the yellow one!"
Clucky freed Sophie, Mark and Rose from their bonds in no time. The TARDIS crew ran back towards the barn as fast as they could; leaving Madame Kovarian and Bob the Butcher tied to their posts.
Approximately ten minutes of running later; the madman with a box, the offensive stereotype of cockneys, the fourth-wall breaking accountant, the shop girl from London and the outlandishly intelligent poultry burst through the wooden doors of the barn to find the TARDIS waiting for them.
As well as Madame Kovarian and Bob.
"What?" Mark exclaimed. "How is that possible? How could you have possibly gotten here before us?"
"Well, you see," Kovarian began her sentence with a look of confidence but it had quickly turned into confusion, "How did we get here before them, Bob?"
"I have no idea." Bob said. "This makes absolutely zero sense."
At this point Kovarian decided to shrug her shoulders and get on with the plot.
"Bob? Kill them."
"Why are you so desperate to kill the Doctor anyway?" Rose asked.
"Two reasons. One; according to The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, the universe will be destroyed if the Doctor continues to live. Two: he's an irritating little prick."
"Well, that's not very nice." The doctor said casually.
"We like you Doctor." Rose said. Sophie nodded in agreement.
"Even after that hurtful remark you made back in the town square." Mark said.
"Aw, you guys are the best!" the Doctor said.
Clucky made a few sounds.
"I do not have an inflated ego! And for the last time; I'm not going to take it off, bowties are cool!"
"ENOUGH WITH THE FRIENDLY BANTER!" Kovarian exploded. "BOB, KILL THEM!"
The Sontaran pointed his laser rifle at the gang but everyone was suddenly distracted by the sound of the barn doors being opened louder than necessary. Everyone turned around to see the Witchfinder General (sans his hat) looking rather unhinged. He also had several packets of C4 (which also hadn't been invented yet) strapped to his body.
"Everyone in the TARDIS now!" The Doctor shouted. The Doctor, Sophie, Mark, Rose and Clucky all dashed inside the blue box. Kovarian tried to get inside too but Bob grabbed her legs and pulled her to the floor.
"It is better to die a warrior's death than to make a coward's retreat!" Bob said in an attempt to explain his actions.
"Let go of me!" Kovarian screeched as she desperately tried to get inside the TARDIS.
"Grab my hand!" The Doctor shouted as he offered his hand to help her to safety.
"I don't need your help you little prick!" Kovarian yelled just before she spat in the Doctor's face.
Taking the fresh saliva on his face as a cue that she wasn't interested in his offer, the Doctor promptly slammed the TARDIS's doors shut. The blue box dissolved into thin air a few seconds later.
The Witchfinder General raised the detonator into the air.
"Why are you doing this?" Kovarian yelled at Bob.
"It is part of my culture." The Sontaran replied.
"Well, your culture is fucking stupid!"
With all her strength, Kovarian kicked the short warrior in the face. He let go of her legs in pain and gave her just enough time to activate the small teleporting device that The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude had given her without Bob coming along for the ride.
Kovarian disappeared in a flash of blue light.
"DIE WITCH SCUM!" the Witchfinder General bellowed just before he pressed the detonator. The psychopathic nutjob, the potato-headed alien warrior and the rather lovely-looking barn all went up in a fiery explosion.
"Well, that was an odd turn of events." A villager commented after she saw the barn explode.
"Not as weird as what happened last week." Another villager said. "Remember? With the noodles and the giant robot?"
"Don't remind me."
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….
A trip to Nazi Germany!
Hitler tries to get his revenge!
The Doctor reverses the polarity of something!
An ivory hunter?
A Judoon with a rude-sounding name!
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"