a/n: This chapter touches the subjects of abuse and self-hate. This is a warning to those who are sensitive to the topics or have any triggers pertaining to them.

.: Chapter 2 :.
. . .

20th Ward - Miyahara Estate, 15 Months Prior

Aislynn dashed out of the cab, throwing the car door open with a force that could have snapped it off its hinges. Her pleasant life was swelling into a foggy daze as her brain swirled around in pieces she couldn't put together. She didn't know what to make of the news she just learned. Her mind couldn't graze anything else. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. Not the promise she made to her friends to meet up later that evening. Not the offer she got from the local opera house about producing one of her plays. Not even the exam she had tomorrow morning that was worth 50% of her grade, or the fact that the notes vital to it were being blown across the night, scattered just like her thoughts. Everything was rendered mundane compared to the suffocating weight coming down around her. She ignored the icy, needle-like stabs of wind against her skin, and paid no heed the taxi driver's faded voice yelling at her to come back for her damned coat. She just wanted to see her family right away. She needed to talk someone; her father, mother, or any of her brothers. Anyone who would be willing to understand. Would they know what to do? Would they help? The panic thickened and coursed through her veins, powering her through the cold as each footfall left a harsh imprint in the perfectly groomed grass.

Aislynn's heart receded further into the pit of her stomach when the towering doors of her home didn't immediately welcome her inside. Misako should have been there waiting to throw those doors apart just like yesterday and every day before. She was supposed to encase the girl in a hug and shower her with questions about her day or why she looked so hysterical. She made it a mission to always be on time to relieve Aislynn of her belongings and tell her that her parents were waiting for her at the dinner table.

The lights were on which meant people were home, but that didn't help the dread in Aislynn's chest. From the weak glow shining through the windows, she could tell the inside were unusually dim. She found that the he doors were unlocked as well, both of them hanging open just a crack.

Maybe she was just worrying too much. Right? Someone must have forgotten to close the door. Maybe that someone was Misako, who had to go run an emergency errand. Maybe that emergency errand was to get more light bulbs. Yes, that was it. Aislynn tried in vain to convince herself that that was all there was, but these out of place cogs made her feel like everything was about to tumble off a cliff.

A strong breeze did her the gentlemanly favor of pushing open the doors, the groan of their weight eerily dragging on as they revealed the horror awaiting her inside.

Screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING. SCREAMING. Someone was screaming in her ears and it took a while for her to notice that no one else was there. No one else was alive. Everyone was dead; the servants, the staff, her brothers, her parents. The one emptying the breath out of their lungs was her and she couldn't stop until she broke into a sniveling mess on her knees, straining to call out to one of the bodies lying limp before her.

The words that failed to escape tasted like death; dry, bitter, and flavored with copper. A gust of air blew in and rattled the crooked chandelier above, creating ghosts out of the shadows below and making them sway across lifeless expressions. Everything was painted in this sickening red that made her want to vomit. The deafening echoes of their dying gasps pierced through the howling wind and burrowed into the recesses of her mind. They had all spent their final moments in agony. It was written in the way their mouths hung agape as if they were still calling for mercy, and the wideness of their eyes as they stared emptily at the figure behind her.

Why? Why did the world suddenly go wrong?

. . .

. . .

20th Ward – Anteiku, Present Day

When Uta had told Aislynn that he was taking her and Jun to the 20th ward, every fibre of her being howled in refusal, but she voiced nothing. Aislynn realized she was in no place to slap away the hand he offered her. Now here she was, back where everything used to be; a place which brought about a nostalgia that made her heart and head feel heavy. She was so close to the life she had before yet it remained out of reach and irredeemable.

It's been about two weeks since Uta introduced her to this quaint place, Anteiku, and even though this was supposed to be a new chapter in her life, the previous one still lingered in her like a terrible disease eating her alive. Aislynn blinked at her reflection on the ceramic cup in her hands, a slight frown tugging at the corner of her lips. No matter how much she polished the glimmering surface, she could not get rid of the awful dirt staring back at her.

"Aislynn," a large hand placed something in front of her: a jar made of clear glass so that the perfect, brown squares inside were visible, "these are special 'sugar cubes' reserved only for our ghoul customers."

She gave a small nod despite having her mind elsewhere and retreated a few steps back. She kept her distance from Koma, the man instructing her. The ghoul instructing her. Friendly faced, somewhat burly, and a bulbous nose to match his personality, he looked just like any other person working at an ordinary cafe with human employees. Except Anteiku wasn't an ordinary cafe and the only human employee was her.

Koma smiled doubtfully and suggested she try practicing the other recipes whenever she had the chance. He then left her alone so he could strike up a rather one-sided conversation with Irimi, a tall and collected woman with black hair. She had an air about her that breathed tolerance, which Aislynn assumed was needed to be able to work with Koma's random mentions of his days as "The Devil Ape".

Koma and Irimi were the ones training Aislynn—or least trying to help her get the hang of things. She did her best in being cooperative and despite having never worked a day in her life, she was at least diligent in the basics. It was her reluctance in interacting with others that was a hindrance. She was like a mouse huddled in the back of the cage. Although Aislynn was good at keeping eye-contact, she often avoided it by keeping her gaze low as if her mind was constantly plagued with something. Others would always have to ask her to repeat herself once or twice due to the softness of her voice and never approached anyone, rarely and barely conversed, and simply stood by as she watched with a scrutinizing eye. As a result, Koma and Irimi's guidance lacked effort. They thought her too fragile, like glass so thin it could shatter from the force of a whisper. It simply wouldn't work.

Aislynn just felt as though she didn't belong, that she was undeserving of a place full of people who talked without a worry in their heart and laughed without a single lie in their smile. They probably thought the same and, in spite of their kindness, most likely planned to drag her out in an alley one of these days to deal her the same treatment she gave to all the men she slaughtered.

"Hey. Set up the tables."

A scolding voice snapped her out of her thoughts and she looked up to see the blue-haired waitress, Touka, walk away without another word. She was the first person at Anteiku, other than Yoshimura, that Aislynn had met.

The younger girl was by far the least welcoming, having harshly expressed strong caution against Aislynn the moment they were introduced. Even now, Touka still didn't seem very pleased with having a human around, especially one that proved to be useless.

"Yes, I'm sorry."

Aislynn couldn't blame her. While everyone else was busy, most of the time she was just an overlooked presence sitting in the corner, like a splintered mop that no one touched unless the good one was already in use. She didn't even have a uniform and hence, was not a real employee. Yoshimura has yet to deem her ready to serve actual customers and she was unsure if he ever will. Still, he had told Aislynn that he wanted her to earn her keep. So, for the time being, she helped out with set up in the morning and clean up at night. It was very little to do in return for what she was given: an apartment in the second floor above, a salary for necessities, and most importantly food for Jun. Food that was obtainable without having to lead people into deserted alleys.

When she discovered exactly how their meat was procured, Aislynn was immediately repulsed. The act of scavenging for suicide victims was wicked and grisly, but in the end they were nothing more than corpses. This was the most innocent way they could get by, she thought. It was simply just picking up food that's been dropped on the ground. At least they didn't corrupt themselves with taking lives, as she had.

She unstacked chairs and arranged them along the round tables, one by one, at a languid pace. Once finished, she went to check on the little thing moaning excitedly as he banged a plastic cup on the tray of his high chair. Jun remained absolutely smitten by the colorful object as Aislynn rubbed his back and adjusted the pale, yellow beanie to fit snugly around his tousled, brown hair. He squealed a bunch of baby gibberish when the cup slipped from his fingers and hit the hardwood floor below, his hand dipping over the side to reach for it. Aislynn breathed out a small chuckle and knelt down to retrieve it only for Jun to return to his previous distraction. Gently, she brushed a knuckle against the swell of one his smooth, velvet cheeks. He tilted his head and leaned further into her touch, causing a small smile to grace her features.

"Aislynn."

"I'm sorry," she flinched and turned around to face Irimi, who was holding a white gift bag in her hands.

"You're always apologizing, don't worry." Irimi's face didn't move much, but there was a hint of a pleasant grin on her usually placid face. She took a a few cautious steps toward Aislynn, as if careful not to spook a wild horse, and placed the strap of the bag in her grip.

Aislynn looked curiously at it, baffled, as if the object had fallen from the stars. The side of the bag was dotted with a series of cartoony animals that reminded her of a typical nursery.

"What...what's this?"

"It's still chilly this time of year so I thought it'd be nice for Jun to have some more clothes to keep him warm. I think they'll still be a little loose on him, but he'll grow quickly."

Aislynn had went out and bought a few items herself the other day, but she hadn't thought about shopping for more than a jumper and a new hat. Money was still an issue and she had to put it toward more vital necessities. Was warmer clothing crucial? It would be March soon and she had thought a small blanket would suffice until winter drew its last breath. Was she being ignorant? Incompetent? A familiar ache began to swell inside her, filling her ribcage with iron as she shuffled through the contents of the bag. Irimi was already taking better care of Jun, so what was the point of Aislynn being there and taking up space?

She put on a grateful smile and bowed her head slightly to keep the older woman from seeing the gloom in her eyes. "Th-thank you...I'm sorry for the trouble." In all honesty, Aislynn couldn't accept any of this. She didn't have the right to take advantage of their generosity.

She collected Jun in her arms and bid a quick farewell to Irimi, then to Koma and Touka, and exited through the door that lead to the living quarters above. Customers would be coming in soon, and she had been told that it would be best to stay out of sight until she was an actual waitress. However, that wasn't the reason she was scrambling up the steps. She just didn't want an audience to witness such a failure of a human being.

She quietly closed the door of her apartment and remained a statue in the dark until her shaky knees gave in to the weight of the disaster they were trying to support. She let the bag slip out of her grasp as her back hit the cold wood of the door. Hugging Jun the tightest she could without hurting him, she slowly sank to the floor into a pile of stifled sobs. Jun discarded his cup when he felt the heave of Aislynn's chest as shuddered breaths showered his back, and cooed softly when he nestled his head against her collarbone.

Her eyes stung as she tried to blink back tears, her vision blurring along with everything else. Streams spilled over her lashes and glided heavily down her cheeks, dripped off her chin, and landed on the hand that patted softly on Jun's head. A voice slithered out of its resting place in her memories and spat the venomous words that he once used to put her in her place.

"What the hell is it this time? Stupid cunt."

She could hear the echo of things breaking as they crashed against walls, saw the ghost of objects being thrown at her, and felt the phantoms of his touch marking her body with lacerations and bruises.

"What!? Why the fuck are you crying?"

Because she was doing everything wrong, just like he said. Because she wasn't capable of anything, just like he said. She was dumb. She was weak. She was a deceitful, poisonous little tramp. Just. Like. He. Said.

The world wouldn't stop bleeding after her family's massacre. It was as if someone had stabbed it, dug their fingers into the gaping wound, peeled back the skin, and scrubbed salt into the raw flesh only to repeat the process over and over, never giving it a chance to heal. The past year had carved itself in her memory. She learned that she wasn't what she thought she was; she wasn't talented and she wasn't smart. Everything she saw herself to be was just a matter of pride sprouted from a flawless life that turned to complete shit once her resources of praise and comfort were dead and gone. She was worthless, vile, and depraved. It was her fault she was here.

. . .

The building grew quiet at the height of night. Closing time had passed and, after forming a barrier of pillows around Jun as he lay peacefully on the bed, Aislynn headed out to continue with the usual routine. She was steps away from reaching the stairs until the cafe manager emerged from the break room and called Aislynn inside.

"You don't have to clean up tonight. I would like to discuss some things with you."

Yoshimura had high brows and squinted eyes that made it appear as though he was always smiling. Perhaps he was, but Aislynn had no idea why he would be. His grayed hair and tall stature gave him the appeal of a wise man who oversaw everything with a grace and cordiality that exuded warmth. He was the least intimidating person at Anteiku; however, she was still hesitant to follow him into the room.

The sound of the door clicking shut sent chills jolting through her body. Even as she tried to mimic Yoshimura's composure, her nerves went haywire and turned her insides into a complete wreck. She already knew what was coming. He was about list every proof of her incompetence, a list that was so long that eventually his endless patience would betray him and his serene voice would burst into a viperous tone.

"Koma and Irimi tell me you have been shying away from them."

Aislynn swallowed. "I..I'm sorry. It's just..." For a long time the world had only consisted of him, her, and the poor souls that found themselves strapped to the dinner table. Then he disappeared right before Jun came into the picture, which was when she needed him most. His sudden absence became one of the many devastating mile markers along her path into the abyss.

"Does being here make you uneasy?"

"Yes...it does." Aislynn answered truthfully.

"The offer I made you the night you came here still stands."

Upon seeing Aislynn and hearing Uta's explanation of her, Yoshimura had given her the choice of either staying with Jun or leaving him in Anteiku's hands and returning to the human world, where she could live a normal life again and never look back.

She shook her head. To Aislynn, the idea sounded just as absurd as it had when he first suggested it. There was no way she could go back. There was nothing to return to. And how could she possibly live normally after everything she's done? There was no way she could walk amongst her friends again and pretend as if she had no idea what it was like to stab someone to death. The human world wasn't a place for her anymore. But then again, neither was the world of ghouls.

"I...I can't..." The words were stuck in her throat. Suddenly, she was plagued with the familiar feeling that death would come rapping against the door any second. "I don't belong here...or anywhere." That's right. How could she dare strive for a future when she robbed so many others of theirs?

"I'm not needed anymore." Jun was in good hands; in the custody of a family that would do a far better of job at taking care of him than she ever could. He'll learn confidence from Koma, wear all the nice clothes that Irimi buys him, and grow up strong like Touka and Yomo. Yoshimura will teach him how to be gentle and kind and most of all merciful. He'll never have to kill. He'll never have to be starved and weak and on the brink of death like he had been under Aislynn's care. "I don't know why I'm still here..."

There came no reply. Yoshimura stood over her, hands clasped behind his back, as a solemn frown marred his face. He was judging her, she could tell. He was weighing her life on the scales, but Aislynn already knew the verdict.

Growing uneasy under his gaze, her eyes flitted to the lamp beside her, the floor at her feet, the window, anywhere else. She didn't want to look at him when he brought the gavel down and declared judgment. She already knew what he was going to say, so she said the words for him. "There's only one place left for me, and it's Hell."

He still said nothing, but she took his silence as an agreement. Aislynn was all prepared to resign, to announce that she would do them the favor of dismissing herself from their presence until Yoshimura finally spoke up.

"Hell is no place for a guardian angel."

She looked up at him astonished, almost offended, that he would call her such a thing.

"You were kind enough to see him as a hapless child thrust into a cruel existence. The world needs more of that benevolence: sympathy, tenderness, charity. It would be a shame if what little light we still have were to be engulfed in the overwhelming darkness. He still needs you and as long as there's someone who needs you, that is where you belong."

"But—"

"I understand that you feel guilty for many things, but there is no need to keep that sword hanging over your head. Especially when you remind yourself of it every moment of your life. All of us at Anteiku have done things that we aren't proud of. Even Touka." Something in the way he spoke made it sound as though he was aware that there was more to Aislynn's guilt than the death of those men. It was almost as if he knew her, that he knew about the one thing she had yet to confess.

"Aislynn, no amount of regret can change the past; we cannot erase our crimes. However, that doesn't mean we can't salvage ourselves. Taking care of Jun can be your retribution."

He paused as his words engraved themselves into her mind, her gaze falling to his feet. The next thing he said sounded melancholy, like he was commenting on a sad song he hadn't heard in years.

"You made a miracle happen."

. . .

Aislynn returned to her apartment later that night with her head hung heavy in thought. She stared into the unlit entryway, quietly making her way to the bedroom as she replayed the previous conversation in her mind.

When the first domino tipped over she questioned why her perfect world had suddenly fallen apart, but now she realized what a naive understatement that was. The world has always been brutal, regardless of Aislynn or her mistakes. It was merciless in its morbid affection and abused the people it was meant to nurture. It was like a sadistic child playing with porcelain dolls, holding no regard for their fragility and leaving them broken and hollow.

The only light in the room was from the moon filtering through the gap in the curtains. Aislynn tiptoed through the dark and knelt at the bedside, taking down one of the pillow walls she had built. Watching Jun's small chest rise and fall to the rhythm of sleep, she reached out to caress the chubbiness of his tiny hand. It wasn't too long ago that he looked like he would perish from hunger, bony-limbed and pale. Now he was the picture of health; a bright complexion, round cheeks, and he was plump like every baby should be. He was growing more rapidly as well, and frequently made these delighted noises that could cause the coldest heart to faint in adoration.

She went still when Jun began to stir, kicking his feet at an invisible force and softly moaning something in his usual gibberish. His hand searched for something until he caught Aislynn in his grasp, his pudgy fingers wrapping around one of her own.

A wetness began to gather in her eyes, but these weren't the kind of tears that left you with a terrible, salty aftertaste. These were the bittersweet kind that appeared in the place of a laugh or a smile because you're body had no idea what to do when you were happy. This was the rain that opened up a space in your chest when the clouds finally faded.

"I'm sorry, Jun." She whispered. "I promise to try harder. I promise to be the kind of person that you need."

Aislynn knew she could never be the innocent girl she was before, but Yoshimura helped her realize that she had a reason to keep living.

She was still fated for damnation and was wracking up a debt that she would eventually pay with her own life. This enlightenment didn't change that fact. Neither God nor Aislynn herself could ever pardon the gravity of her crimes, she had become a demon. But until Heaven finally decided to strike her down, she'd protect Jun and raise him to be a beautiful person capable of giving this ugly world a bit of paradise. She promised not to let the darkness swallow this flame.

She continued to watch him a little longer until she was stifling yawns. Before the temptation of sleep pulled her eyes closed, she wondered: who was her guardian angel supposed to be?

. . .

a/n: Certainly not Uta! :D Hehe. Hope the deeper insight on Aislynn was alright. As a future warning, things may only get more hectic from here. This IS an Uta fanfiction after all. I did categorize this as a tragedy and it's rated M for a reason.

Also, I may not be able to update for a while since the school year is almost at an end, graduation is coming up, and I gotta make sure I have everything in check so I can be part of said graduation. Until next time, I'd love to hear your feedback! Whether it be comment or critique, reading them is extremely encouraging. c:

Thank you~