My Stupid Cupid,
By Quaxo
Barbie wanted "original", which sort of blew all his plans out of the water. No chocolates then, because a) not original enough apparently, and b) he wanted her to fall in love with Newbie-licious, not develop bulimia.
What was wrong with women today… didn't they understand that men weren't psychics who could read their every thought? That we're not sentimental creatures who can spend hours finding the perfect "random" gift? Even Newbie isn't that much of a girl.
He's about to give up on the whole stupid scheme when late-night television provides him with an answer.
"Delivery for Elliot Reid?"
"Oh my gosh, Elliot, Keith must be serious… a chocolate dipped strawberry bouquet?"
"It's not Keith."
"I thought--"
"He said he wouldn't waste his money buying a bouquet because who spends that kind of money on the bouquet for a pig…"
"I'll be sure to glare at him extra hard today, what a jerk--"
"Thanks, Carla, you're a great friend."
"Well, your secret admirer obviously thinks you're worth the cost, those roses weren't cheap. Now you have to read the card."
"…It says, 'How's this for original?'"
"He must have heard you yesterday! Or someone told him--"
It's at this point that Barbie and Carla start scanning the room like lionesses searching for the weakest members of the gazelle pack. If Newbie were actually involved in this seduction, he would've cracked by now and made the rookie mistake of immediately volunteering that he knew nothing about what was going. That, of course only makes you look like you have something to hide.
My antipathy towards Barbie is well known, so the fearsome duo don't even bother questioning me, which means I don't have to lie.
Then, as if I'd planned it even though I hadn't, Newbie comes skipping in and steals a 50 chocolate covered strawberry and takes a bite--
"JD!!"
"Wha--?"
"Don't eat my bouquet!!"
"Did Keith send you this?"
"No!"
"It's her secret admirer…"
"A secret admirer?"
"More like secret stalker! He's been listening in on our conversations, how can you think this is romantic, Carla!?"
"Because it's sweet. Obviously he likes you, he's just too shy to come forward just yet. He's trying to woo you, isn't that what every girl wants?"
"Well when you say it like that…"
"I think it's creepy, Elliot."
"JD, you're a guy, you wouldn't understand… Elliot, you should really try these, they're delicious!"
The green look on Hannah's face as Barbie bites into one of her chocolate strawberries is golden. If you weren't looking for it, you'd never notice it, but Sheryl is jeal-lous, not only of the strawberry that Barbie has wrapped around her lips, but of this secret admirer who is going to woo the pants of the woman he loves (even if it's not all that hard to do).
My theory now has proof: Newbie does, in fact, have romantic notions towards Barbie. Now if only he'll get off his ass and do something about it, wooing Barbie isn't cheap after all.
I think I might be getting the hang of this…