The Hustler of Notre Dame: Chapter Three
[Setting: The Streets of Paris.]
[Phoebus is wandering around Paris holding a map. His horse walks alongside him.]
Phoebus: *holding map* Oh shit! I'm holding the map upside down!! No wonder I can't understand this shit!
[Phoebus turns the map right side up.]
Phoebus: *studying the map* Now…let's see—WAIT! This isn't a map of Paris!! This is a map to McDonald's!
[Phoebus crumbles the paper, decides that the map may prove itself to be useful at some point, uncrumbles it and pockets it.]
Phoebus: Guess I'm gonna have to find the Palce of Pimping all by—whoa, MAMA!!
[Phoebus spots a gypsy lady dancing on the street for coins.]
Esmeralda: *dancing whilst beating her tambourine* That's right, everyone! Stare at my juicy ass and gimme your money!
Djali: *goes around pickpocketing the mesmerized idiots* baaaa.
Phoebus: *drooling* Look at that piece of ass!
Horse: *jealous tone* Hey, keep it in your pants, okay?
[Esmeralda keeps dancing until two guards seize her.]
Guard One: Hey, bitch! Remember me? I paid for three hours and you left after thirty minutes!
Guard Two: Yeah, and he wants his money back!
Esmeralda: *shifty eyed* I dunno what you're talking about…
Guard One: Don't lie to me, you cheap whore! I know it was you!
Guard Two: Let's all be diplomatic, you guys. We'll make a deal. If you give us half and hour with your goat, we'll forget all about this…
Djali: O_o''
Esmeralda: *points at random alley* Hey look! Is that Brad Pitt walking yonder?!
Guard One: *excitedly turns to look* I hope so! I always thought that he was dreamy…
Guard Two: *turns around as well* Oh wait! I think I see him over there!
Esmeralda: [to Djali] Quick, bitch! Grab the money and let's beat it!
Djali: *grabs the hat full of money* baaa!!
[Esmeralda and Djali disappear from view as Phoebus draws nearer.]
Guard One: *sees Phoebus* That's not Brad Pitt! That Gypsy bitch tricked us!!
Guard Two: He's still dreamy, though…Maybe he, the goat and I can schedule a little somethin' together sometime…
Guard One: …
Phoebus: *clears throat* Excuse me, men. Do you know how I can get to the Palace of Pimping. I accidentally grabbed a map to McDonald's instead of a map of Paris.
Guard Two: *excitedly* Oooh! We can take you there!
Phoebus: You can?!
Guard Two: Yeah! We'll take you!
[The guards escort Phoebus to the Palace of Pimping. Phone numbers are exchanged.]
Phoebus: Gee, thanks a million!
Guard Two: *blushes and giggles*
Guard One: Well, we'll see ya around!
Phoebus: Yeah, I'll see ya around!
Guard Two: Call me!! Or text me!! Whatever works best for you!
[Phoebus enters the Palace of Pimping and goes down to the dungeons, where Pimp Claude Frollo awaits him.]
Frollo: *smoking a cigar* Ahh, I see you finally decided to show up. You're twenty minutes late, bitch!
Phoebus: I'm sorry, Pimp Claude Frollo. It's just that I got lost because I grabbed a map to McDonald's by accident.
Frollo: *explodes* McDonald's?! This ain't no damn McDonald's you retarded piece of shit!!!
Phoebus: *scared* I'm so sorry…
[In the background, the sounds of whipping can be heard, along with ear-piercing screams.]
Frollo: Yeah. You better be sorry or else you gonna end up like that stupid ho over there gettin' her ass beat!
Phoebus: *gulp*
Frollo: Now, suck my dick before I decide to change my mind and surrender you to the torturer.
Phoebus: *weirded out* But…I'm not like that.
Frollo: *explodes again* Yes, you ARE!!! You know why?! Cuz you're nothin' but a dirty tramp, Captain Phoebus!! You're a fucking bitch!! NEVER FORGET THAT, HO!
Phoebus: *terrified* Alright, alright, I get it…
Frollo: Excellent. Now, get on your knees.
Phoebus: *cries and gets on his knees* Yes, sir…
Frollo: *smirks* suck it.
[So, um, they do that for like twenty minutes. Phoebus cries like a little bitch the whole time.]
Frollo: Well, now that we got that over with, let's talk business.
Phoebus: *in a corner, in fetal position, crying* The horror!!!
Frollo: *clears throat* You might want to clean that off your face…
Phoebus: *breaks down into sobs* I feel so dirty!!!
Frollo: *completely ignoring Phoebus' cry* Anyway…I brought you here to talk about a serious issue.
Phoebus: *teary-eyed* what is it?
Frollo: It's those motherfucking gypsies. They're stealing business from me!
Phoebus: How so, sir?
Frollo: They have their own network with hoes like La Esmeralda.
Phoebus: I see.
Frollo: *lightens up* Oh, but she's not the problem! She's so beautiful! *sigh*
Phoebus: *confused* Pimp Daddy Frollo?
Frollo: *regains severity* No. The problem is her goat. Not even my bustiest, nastiest set of hoes can compete with that fucking goat!
Phoebus: Yeah, I know what you mean…
Frollo: *gets all angry again* It's the goat we must get rid of, Captain Phoebus!
Phoebus: How are we going to do that?
Frollo: We must find the Court of Lunatics. That is where the Gypsies live.
Phoebus: What will happen after we find said court, sir?
Frollo: *laughing maniacally* We arrest the heathen gypsies, kill the fucking goat, and La Esmeralda shall be mine!!
Phoebus: *pouts* Must we kill the goat?
Frollo: Yes.
Phoebus: Can't I keep it?
Frollo: No.
Phoebus: *cries* Then I won't help you.
Frollo: *sigh* Very well. You can have your way with it before it dies.
Phoebus: Okay.
Frollo: Now, come along, Captain Phoebus. The Festival of Stool is about to begin.
Phoebus: *excited* Oh, boy!
[Frollo and Phoebus leave the Palace of Pimping and take to the streets of Paris, where the Festival is being held.]
--End of Chapter Three--