~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~

Chapter Three ~ The Sound of Silence

xxxxx

She doesn't want to see you, Rick.

Well ... he deserved it. It hurt like hell and beyond but he deserved it. It was stupid of him to think that just because he'd blurted out those three words she'd forgive him. Too little, too late. She'd just been shot in the chest; pain had likely blotted out everything else. She probably hadn't even heard him. Her eyes had registered nothing but shock as he'd held her in his arms.

Now all she would remember would be the days that had come before the funeral ...

"No one outside this family needs to know the truth. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero."

They rose to leave, Esposito manfully holding his head high, Ryan crying unashamedly. Castle held back, wanting to have a moment alone with Kate. Her blank face as she'd spoken had scared him.

"Dismissed," she said shortly, not meeting his eyes.

"Kate - " He crossed the room and shut the door. "Talk to me."

"I think we've talked enough. You are the last person I want to talk to right now."

"I know what I said before wasn't easy to hear, but ... "

"Wasn't easy to hear?" Kate's eyes narrowed. "You betrayed me, Castle. You went against me, asked me to turn my back on everything I believe in, everything I hold sacred. You wanted me to give up the only thing that's important to me, now, when I'm so close to knowing the truth. Worse yet, and the one thing I will never forgive you for, is dragging me away and letting Roy die alone. That's not how we do things." Her voice vibrated with emotion. "You don't understand us. You don't understand me. You don't belong here. I've let you hang around and play pretend long enough. I'm done. We're done."

"Kate, please."

"Get out, Castle."

He stared at her angrily, no words coming.

"I said get out. And after Roy's funeral is over I expect never to see you again."

Sorrow and anger hardened his face as he glared at her before stalking out.

Castle dropped his head down into his palms and tried not to cry. He'd made the hard choice, attempting to save her life, but had ended up losing her anyway.

Time passed, footsteps came and went but it wasn't until he heard a familiar name - her name - spoken that he raised his head.

"Castle?"

"Josh." He acknowledged the other man's presence but didn't stand.

"Kate's father called me - "

"She's in the ICU down the hall," Castle said wearily.

"Have you seen her?"

"Not since they brought her in." At Josh's perplexed expression he added, "I'm not family."

"Neither am I." The big man sat heavily next to him.

"They'll let you in. You're her boyfriend."

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

Josh sighed. "I'm not really sure what we are, to be honest."

"Oh?"

"We haven't exactly broken up but she's been really aloof these last couple of months."

"Really."

"I don't get it. She said she wanted me to be around more, stay in New York so we could see each other more often yet she's always busy when I call and though she says she'll call back for a raincheck, she never does. I know the two of you are pretty close - do you have any idea what's been going on with her?"

Castle let out a hollow laugh. "Believe me, I have less of a clue than you do. You know Kate, she's a control freak who doesn't like to share her feelings with anyone."

"Have you tried talking to her? I mean, I have, but she doesn't - "

"I've tried." Castle stood. "The end result is that she wants me out of her life."

Josh stood as well. "I'm not entirely sure she wants me in her life either."

"I don't think Kate Beckett honestly wants anyone in her life. She wants to interact with people when it's her choice to but she won't ever let anyone in. As soon as you try to get closer, she pushes you away."

Josh frowned and gave him a curious look.

"Go be with her, Josh. She may not know what she wants but she needs someone to be there for her right now."

Castle walked away, squeezing his eyes closed to hold back the tears.

xxxxx

A soft hand touching his shoulder brought Javier Esposito back to the present.

"What are you looking at, lover?" Lanie's arms slid down his chest from behind, hugging him as he sat.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Can't be nothing. You've been staring out the window for ages."

His temper, simmering close to the surface, flared. "It's been a rough couple of days, Chica," he said angrily.

"I know," she said soothingly.

"First Montgomery, now Beckett ... there's still someone out there who doesn't want the truth known. We're all in danger until we wrap it up." He balled up a fist and hit his other hand with it. "I just feel like everything is falling apart."

"I know how you feel."

"How can you know how I feel? You deal with dead people all day. They mean nothing to you. These were my friends, people I love. People I trust. To find out - " He stopped, remembering that he wasn't supposed to confide in even her.

"To find out what, Javi?" She frowned.

"That I'm going to lose them all ... " He growled and stood suddenly, breaking out of her arms. "I need to go out."

"Where are you going?"

"Just out."

xxxxx

"You're worried, aren't you?" Jenny smoothed back Ryan's already perfect hair.

"I'm not worried."

"Yes you are. I know that little crinkle you get on your forehead when you're anxious."

He smiled weakly. "You know me too well."

"I am marrying you. I'm supposed to know you better than anyone."

"You do." He took her hand and entwined their fingers. "I guess I shouldn't worry so much about Beckett. Castle says she's going to recover from the gunshot wound and we caught the shooter, although there's still the guy at the top to worry about ... "

"Is something else bothering you?"

He sighed. "The new captain. She's ... she's ..." He stopped, unable to find the right words. "She's not like Montgomery. Of course I knew his death would change things but I fear she's going to run the precinct differently and some of us aren't going to be very happy with the way she does things." He looked directly into her eyes. "I fear for Beckett most of all. It's hard enough for her, knowing the captain died saving her, but I think she's going to have a hard time adjusting to the changes Meyers is going to make."

"Like?"

"Getting rid of Castle, for starters."

"Oh no, but I thought he helped you with your cases."

"He does but not everyone agrees that civilians belong in police work. I think we're going to have a tough time proving to her that we need him."

"Do you need him?"

He looked at her straightly. "Beckett does."

xxxxx

Castle took another sip of scotch - Johnny Walker black label; only the best for him - letting it tingle on his tongue for a minute before swallowing. It burned in just the right way, enough to dull the edge of the heartache that pounded like a drum in his chest.

"Richard?"

The door clicked and Martha walked over to join him. "Darling, are you all right?"

He took another large sip and stared into the fire.

"Is it Kate? Is she okay?"

"She's fine."

"Did you see her?"

He swallowed, trying to push the pain down but failing. "She doesn't want to see me."

"Doesn't want to ... why ever not?"

Castle finally turned to face her. "It's over," he said dully. "She doesn't want me around any more."

Martha's face crinkled in surprise. "I don't understand. What happened?"

He took a deep breath. "I told her I wanted her to back away from this. Leave her mother's case alone. That it would kill her."

"It very nearly has."

"We exchanged a few other words as well and the upshot of it was that it's over. She told me she didn't want me around any more."

"Well naturally she was upset ... "

"We talked again before Montgomery's funeral and she reiterated her desire to be rid of me." Tears began to prickle in his eyes and he blinked to keep them back. "I know she was upset and emotional, angry at me for telling her what she didn't want to hear ... I figured she might forgive me later, once it was all over and she had a chance to cool down. But then she was shot - " His voice grew strangulated. "I thought she was dying and I'd never have a chance to tell her ... I told her I loved her."

"Richard." She reached a hand out and touched his arm.

"I told her I loved her and I thought it would make a difference." He looked back into the flames. "But it didn't. She still doesn't want me around."

"Give her time, dear. She's coping with a whole lot more than even your wild imagination can come up with. Let her rest and recover and then see what she has to say."

"I'm sure it won't be anything good."

"You may be surprised. Kate cares for you, that much is clear even to me. Maybe it just isn't clear to her yet. I'll tell you - at the funeral, just before she was shot, when she said something about making a stand and finding someone to stand with you? The look she gave you was ... was ... was as if a revelation had just occurred to her. You've stood by her side through thick and thin these last couple of years and I think maybe she's taken for granted that you'll always be there. In that moment I saw in her face the realization of just what that means to her."

Castle looked over at his mother.

"Fight for her, Richard. Don't just let her slip away like she doesn't matter to you. She's a strong woman - headstrong, obstinate, forthright - all of those qualities are why you fell in love with her. Don't let them drive you away. She needs you to prove that you're just as strong as she is and that you'll be there no matter what comes."

xxxxx

What about you, Rick?

"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner. Your friend."

"Is that what we are?"

She couldn't stop the conversation from replaying in her head over and over since waking up. It still left her stomach feeling as knotted up and her heart as desolate as the first time they'd had it. What if he'd just answered glibly as was his usual custom instead of forcing honesty upon her? What if she'd actually responded to his plea for clarity instead of letting fear and anger take over and pushing him away? What would happen if they actually had that conversation and were honest about what they really wanted?

It was too late now. She had responded in typical knee-jerk fashion, throwing up her barriers and forcing him out ... for good this time.

Her chest began to ache, as if she were trying to breathe through water. She closed her eyes, forcing the tears back.

The door clicked softly.

"Hey."

"Hey Josh." She tried to swallow over the lump in her throat.

"I'd hoped we might see each other again soon but this isn't quite the circumstance I was imagining." He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand.

Kate smiled weakly. "Wasn't exactly what I had in mind either."

"Kate ..." He let whatever he was was going to say drop and spoke instead with his eyes.

"Josh, please," she whispered. "I need to be alone right now."

"But I ... "

"It was sweet that you came to see me but I just want to be alone."

He stood stiffly, reluctantly letting go of her hand. "As you wish."

As the door closed behind him, tears squeezed out of the corners of her eyes.

TBC