Chapter 3
«Derek said to me, that someone saw her, in front of your photo.
She said clearly to Derek, that she can't help saying Hello to you every morning.
She misses you so much, but she surprised me, during our talking for the valuation, with her reaction to your loss.
If I didn't know what I know, I would ask her if she knows that you are dead, and that you aren't alive, on an island with Elvis.
If I didn't know what I know, I would ask her if she knows that you aren't really dead…
But I know, what I know!
So, I smile to her and stop.
She wanted to tell me only beautiful things about you!
and I swear...
I know that's not good
I know I can't think this way..
But I wanted to send her away!
I wanted to get up, and look at her as I do with Jack, when he puts the water in the shampoo's bottle.
Because it is hard for me!
It's hard to hear the team crying for your death.
It's hard ratiocinate with an angry Derek, or with an emotional Reid.
But… they talk about: hurt, anger, they talk about a feeling that becomes also a physic sensation.
That feeling of not being able to breath, because we miss that person so much that our brain forgets how to breath, forgets how to reason…
And so I prefer, even if it hurts as hell, check on the two young men of the team, verify (especially the first times) if they do the most elementary work, like eating, sleeping...just taking care about themself…
Because, Emily, we know it; I lived all this personally, and you lived that beside me, when the pain for a loss is so strong that you can't take it anymore, you ignore yourself, in an attempt to soothe in some way the enormous sorrow caused by the loss of the beloved one.
Meeting Penelope was heartbreaking.
She wanted to talk about yours funniest moments, what you did to and when you made her laugh.
And believe me, if I wasn't in my office, but in the living room of my house…I would have cried.
I wanted to yell that I don't want to hear these things, because they feels like stabs to my chest.
I wanted to say to Penelope that she must be hurt, she must cry, be desperate, screaming. She has to hate Doyle, and maybe, a little bit also she must hate you, because you put yourself in this situation, and we are suffering too much for your death.
I smiled and let her talk, instead.
She told me many things.
Especially about your girls' night.
She told me that you had always someone around, some player, and I smiled thinking about you pushing away some gorgeous man, like a boring fly.
She told me about when her and JJ insisted with you to date Mick, the English man of Cooper's team, and then, she said, you dated him once, but she didn't know why, you didn't want to meet him anymore.
But I, Yes! I know why!
Penelope cried!
She cried tons of tears of pain because of your death.
But, if I talk as a psychologist, and not like a human sentimentally involved, I can say she's reworking the mourning in the best way, better than the rest of us, provided there is a "better way" to survive a pain so disheartening.
I try to explain better….
She passed the "anger stage" , and either the "depression stage"
She's living the "acceptance stage"…
And, her way to accept your death, is remembering when you was alive, and made her smile…
How to blame her?
If I could choose which of the five stages of grief live…
I want to live the stage she's living, and in the same way she's facing it. »