South Park script - Cosplay It Again, Stan

by RevolutionMan

When Randy walks into Stan's room for some father-son time, he mistakes his son's cosplay contest research for pornography. In denial that his boy is getting older, and hoping to avoid having "the talk" with him, Randy installs the "Boner Blocker" software on Stan's computer. Special Guest: Ben Affleck as Batman.

3. Chapter 3

INT. BACKSTAGE – CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Wolverine Stan, his costume looking even cooler and more badass than before, has his back to us as he peeks through the curtain.

BUTTERS (O.S.)
What do you see?

STAN
Jesus, dudes, the crowd is huge. Even bigger than last week.

Stan turns around to face his team, which now includes Bebe and Wendy. Bebe's Mystique costume is basically two pasties, a thong, and some spray paint. Wendy's Rogue costume consists of a streak of white in her hair, a one piece bathing suit that looks more like green suspenders and a jock strap, and white gloves.

CARTMAN
What's the competition like?

STAN
It's tough, but I honestly think this one is ours to lose, assuming we don't get screwed by the judges again.

SOME FATASS BATMAN SOMEWHERE (O.S.)
(cumming)
I'm Batman!

CARTMAN
Sweet.

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Dramatic music plays to introduce the X-Men. The crowd is enormous; all men, dressed like Batman. It's at least half the town.

DJ
Okay, everyone, now it's time for the team cosplay competition. Give it up for the X-Men!

The boys, Bebe, and Wendy strike dramatic poses for a moment, then begin twerking. One bat signal goes up in the back.

PERVERT BATMAN
(cumming)
I'm Batman!

The rest of the crowd appears bored.

NED BATMAN (O.S.)
(voice box)
What the fuck is this shit?

CUT TO:

A LITTLE LATER

The team stands together on stage.

DJ
Okay, everyone, it's time to tally up the votes for the team competition. With one vote, give it up for the X-Men.

One clap.

CARTMAN
Goddammit, Butters.

Next to the X-Men team on stage is a Chinese crew dressed up like Iron Man, War Machine, and Thor. The iron suits fly and the two of them hover in mid-air while Thor summons actual lightning through the roof.

DJ
Next, we have Iron Man and War Machine, with actual flight capability and working machines guns and rocket launchers. And Thor with Mjolnir, a mystical hammer that can control the elements. Two votes for them.

Very light applause.

CHINESE THOR
Oh, dis is bullsheet!

CHINESE IRON MAN
We spen' nine t'ousan' dollews on our costumes!

The final team is a bunch of ridiculously slutty Stormtroopers grinding on each other.

DJ
And finally, a bunch of stormtroopers.

All the bat signals light up. Hooting and hollering from the crowd, and whistling, too.

RANDY BATMAN (O.S.)
Take it off!

DJ
There you have it, folks. Your winners: the stormtroopers!

INT. RANDY'S CAR – NIGHT

Stan, Butters, Kenny, and Cartman all sulk after their loss. Randy, still dressed like Batman, has a huge grin on his face. Robin Thicke's song "Blurred Lines" plays on the radio.

RANDY BATMAN
Well, I thought you guys did great. I really thought you had them tonight.

STAN
You didn't even vote for us.

RANDY BATMAN
Now, what have I told you about nepotism in cosplay?

Stan rolls his eyes.

RANDY BATMAN
Stan? Stan, what have I told you about nepotism?

STAN
There's no nepotism in cosplay.

RANDY BATMAN
That's right. There's no nepotism in cosplay. It's just... icky.

EXT. QUICKMART – NIGHT

Randy pulls into a Quickmart.

STAN
Why are we stopping? I just want to go home.

INT. RANDY'S CAR

Randy puts the car in park.

RANDY BATMAN
Your mother wanted me to pickup some milk on the way home. It'll just take a quick second. Any of you boys want anything? My treat.

CARTMAN
Cheesy Poofs.

BUTTERS
Gee, thanks, Mr. Marsh. But I better not have anything this late. It'll give me a tummy ache.

CARTMAN
And some sour patch kids.

KENNY
Mnhh hmmn suhn nnnhn.

CARTMAN
And some Diet Double Dew.

STAN
I'm not hungry.

RANDY BATMAN
All right, I'll be right back.

Randy exits the car.

CARTMAN
Dude, your Dad totally looks like a homo in that costume.

STAN
(exhales)
I know.

INT. QUICKMART

Randy enters and grabs a basket. He grabs the milk and some snacks for the boys. On his way to the counter, he passes the magazine rack. He notices the top row of dirty magazines: Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Wonder Woman #24, Spider-Woman #12, Catwoman #22... He grabs some of the comic books and puts them in his basket.

Randy brings everything up to the counter.

QUICKMART ATTENDANT
Hey, awesome cosplay costume. You must like Big Bang Theory.

RANDY BATMAN
Big Bang Theory? No, I... my son was in a cosplay contest down at the comic book shop.

QUICKMART ATTENDANT
Oh. Yeah, my wife and I love that show. We stay up all night watching it sometimes.

RANDY BATMAN
Oh, yeah, that's cool. Can I get a brown paper bag for those? Thanks.

INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Sharon lays alone in bed watching television and drinking wine.

ON THE TELEVISION: A molecule whirs by. The gang eats out at a restaurant; Leonard, Sheldon, the Indian one, the shifty Jew, Penny's cleavage, Bernadette's enormous cleavage, and a ferret.

SHELDON (V.O.)
Indiana Jones, William Shatner, Stan Lee, Battlestar Galactica.

PENNY (V.O.)
You guys are such dorks. I'm so wasted. We should all have sex.

ON THE TELEVISION: The scene erupts into a giant orgy. The ferret scurries around the outside of the pile.

Randy Batman enters the bedroom. He hides his comic books under his cape.

SHARON
Oh, hey, hun. How'd it go. Did they win?

Randy puts his Batman costume in the closet, turns off the light, gets in bed, and closes his eyes with his back to Sharon.

RANDY
Nope. Lost. Tired. Good night.

Sharon looks surprised.

SHARON
It's 9:15.

Randy yawns loudly.

CLOSE ON CLOCK: Sharon's night stand clock goes from 9:15 pm to 2:12 am.

Sharon wakes up alone in bed.

SHARON
Randy?

INT. MARSH UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Sharon checks the bathroom.

SHARON
Randy?

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Sharon walks downstairs. No Randy, but there is a thumping sound.

SHARON
Where is that sound coming from?

In her search for the source of the sound, she notices a bronze bust of Beethoven, like from the old Adam West Batman series, on a nearby table.

SHARON
What the? When did we get this?

She touches the bust and the head moves back, revealing a button. She presses the button. Behind her, a bookshelf moves to reveal a set of stairs going down. She looks surprised.

INT. RANDY'S BATCAVE (THE BASEMENT)

Sharon tiptoes down a couple of stairs. She looks over the railing and sees Randy, amidst a carefully catalogued secret collection of comic books. He's sitting on a lawn chair amidst them all, beating off under a blanket while wearing the Batman cowl.

RANDY
Oh, yeah, She-Hulk. You're a naughty whore, aren't you? Oooooh, I'm Batman!

Without saying a word, a traumatized Sharon retreats back upstairs.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. CARTMAN'S BASEMENT

There's a video camera setup in front of a couch. A sign above the couch reads "Cosplay Casting Couch".

Cartman escorts over Jessie, a little blonde girl.

CARTMAN
Thank you for coming on such short notice, Jessie. You can have a seat right there.

JESSIE
Oh, okay.

Cartman goes behind the camera.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Can you tell us your name? It's for the camera.

JESSIE
Jessie.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
And how old are you, Jessie?

JESSIE
(nervous)
I'm nine.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Great, great. And have you ever done cosplay before?

JESSIE
(nervous)
No, this is my first time.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
You seem a little nervous. She seems a little nervous.

WENDY (O.S.)
It's okay, Jessie. Just be yourself.

JESSIE
Okay.

For the first time, we see behind the camera. The entire X-Men team is there, observing.

CARTMAN
That's great. Now, we have a costume here for you. I think you're gonna like it. Butters, why don't you bring Jessie her costume.

Butters walks over to Jessie holding a string bikini and red wig.

BUTTERS
You get to be Jean Grey.

Butters hands her the costume and then retreats back behind the camera.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Okay, now if you could just try that on. And Kenny, why don't you go and stand next to her. You're Cyclops.

Kenny, dressed as Cyclops sits on the couch next to her.

KENNY
Nmm hnnm?

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Yup, just like that. Now, the key to cosplay is you really gotta own the role. It's not just about the costume. It's also about really feeling the part. In the comics, Cyclops and Jean Grey are boyfriend and girlfriend, but sometimes she has this thing for Wolverine, too. Stan, why don't you go ahead and get in there.

Stan enters the frame as Wolverine.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
That's great. Now, what we'd like to have you do, Jessie, is start twerking. Okay? But first you're gonna twerk with Kenny and then you're gonna twerk with Stan, and we're gonna see which one looks better. And then maybe we'll have you twerk with both of them at the same time. How does that sound?

JESSIE
Okay.

Stan's Wolverine claws snikt out like little erect penises.

Behind the camera, Kyle taps Cartman on the shoulder.

KYLE
Can I speak to you?

CARTMAN
Sure, Kyle. Jessie, why don't you go ahead and change into your cosplay costume and then we'll get started.

Kyle and Cartman talk privately.

KYLE
Aren't you a little concerned about what we're doing here?

CARTMAN
Look, I know what you're gonna say.

KYLE
Do you? I mean, do you, really? Because from our experiences together I really don't think you do.

CARTMAN
Of course, I do. You're worried that bringing on another team member is going to mean less prize money to go around if we win.

Kyle blinks once... twice.

CARTMAN
But Stan's Dad pointed out that there's a definite bias in these contests and we need to exploit that. But don't worry, I've come up with the perfect solution. We're gonna kick Jimmy and Butters off the team. See, problem solved?

Kyle blinks again.

Cartman walks back to the camera.

CARTMAN
Okay, let's see if we can't twerk our brains out for two hundred dollars. Bebe, can you get the lights? And Stan, your claws are dangling a bit there. Can you get 'em up? And don't forget to jack it.

Kyle sighs.

INT. SUPERMARKET

Sharon roams the aisles of the supermarket. She notices that all of the men in the store are dressed as Batman and is startled by this. In the produce section, she runs into Linda Stotch (Butters' Mom) and Sheila Broflovski (Kyle's Mom).

SHEILA
Oh, hi, Sharon. Doing some grocery shopping for the weekend?

SHARON
Yep.

LINDA
We're doing the same.

SHEILA
Linda and I were just talking about last night's new Big Bang Theory. I just love that little Howard boy. You know, half the time, I have no idea what those boys are saying, but I just think they're all so funny. Don't you?

Sharon is distracted by another Batman.

LINDA
Sharon? What's wrong?

SHARON
Have you two noticed anything strange about the men in here?

SHEILA
Strange?

LINDA
No, why?

SHARON
Well, they're all dressed like Batman.

LINDA
I think it's cute. They're cosplaying, like on Big Bang Theory.

SHEILA
My Gerald dresses like Batman all the time, now. And I just love it. Just between you and me, the sex has been the best we've ever had.

LINDA
Ours, too. It's been wonderful.

SHARON
I think it's a little creepy.

LINDA
It helps to drink.

SHEILA
Have you been drinking enough?

SHARON
I have been, but ever since he's been dressing like Batman, Randy won't touch me. And last night, I caught him downstairs looking at... comic books.

SHEILA
Well, who have you been dressed as?

SHARON
Who have I been dressed as?

LINDA
Yeah, last night I was Slave Leia, and the night before that I was Seven of Nine.

SHEILA
You should try Catwoman. You've got the tits for it.

Sharon is appalled, at first. Then she looks down.

SHARON
(flattered)
Really? You think I have the tits to pull off Catwoman?

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy comes home and hangs up his jacket.

RANDY
Sharon, I'm home. Sharon? Sharon? Huh, she must not be home yet.

A lightbulb turns on over Randy's head. Literally. He reaches for the Beethoven bust.

INT. RANDY'S BATCAVE (THE BASEMENT)

Randy, backlit, poses as Batman at the top of the stairs, then descends until the last two steps. He leaps down the last two steps and poses again.

RANDY BATMAN
I'm Batman.

He thumbs through his collection of comic books. We catch glimpses of basically naked superheroes and supervillains. He settles on a Catwoman comic book.

He sits and grabs his blanket. He doesn't notice that, behind him, Sharon, dressed as a slutty Catwoman, appears out of the shadows. Her eyes are crossed, she's so drunk.

SHARON CATWOMAN
Hey, Batman, you bastard.

RANDY BATMAN
Sharon! I can explain.

Randy Batman quickly covers up, then faces her. He notices she's Catwoman.

RANDY BATMAN
Sharon?

SHARON CATWOMAN
My name's not Sharon. My name is Catwoman.

She stumbles and wobbles her drunken ass over and throws herself at him. They fall out of view. We see claws, a tail, a cape.

SHARON CATWOMAN (O.S.)
Kitty wanna play.

RANDY BATMAN
Oh. Oh, god! Ooooh! I'm the mother-fucking Batman!

EXT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Establishing shot.

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

On stage, a pair of Klingon whores dry hump a slutty Smurfette.

In the crowd, Randy appears in his regular clothes next to his guy friends, who are all dressed like Batman.

GERALD BATMAN
Hey, Randy. How come you're not dressed like Batman?

RANDY
Oh, I don't know. I didn't really feel like dressing up. I kinda feel stupid in it, anyway.

JIMBO BATMAN
How can you feel stupid as Batman?

RANDY
I don't know, guys. It's just, sure, who doesn't want to be Batman from time to time? But when you're Batman all the time, it gets old. And sure, it'd be great to be Batman out in public and imagine yourself with all these hot chicks, but it'll never replace being Batman at home... and fucking your wife. Everything else is just jackin' it.

The music changes. The lights change.

DJ
Okay, everyone, it's time again for our cosplay team competition. Give it up for the X-Men!

The new team, now with more chicks, strike awesome poses on stage. They all twerk the most raunchy twerk ever and jack it something fierce.

In the crowd, one bat signal turns on.

PERVERT BATMAN
(cumming)
I'm Batman!

Randy walks over to Pervert Batman with the Asian Dojo Master from the Boner Blocker software. Randy clears his throat to get the perv's attention and then Asian guy Karate chops and punches Pervert Batman in his goddamn face. The guy's cowl comes off and... it's Ben Affleck! He runs away.

RANDY
Holy shit, was that Ben Affleck?

The End – (every review you leave will make me scream out uncontrollably "I'm Batman!")

Thank you for reading.