If I thought I felt numb before, it was nothing compared to this. I'm drained. Drowning in misery and pain and loss of the only person I was certain I loved. I can't bear to do anything on my own at all; not eat, not sleep, not anything. Like my mother.
No. I refuse to turn into her of all people. She's just as bad as when my father died right now. Worse in fact, because instead of at least getting up and sitting in a chair I don't think she's even left her bed in three days. Two miserable days since it happened. So while I can feel myself turning into her, knowing that I should try to help her I don't. Most of it has to do with Gale who has skipped work despite the fact that we all know he needs to be there, just to be there for me. I absolutely hate that I need the help but in a way it doesn't feel like it. Because it's Gale; somehow my weaknesses don't feel like it around him. He doesn't treat me too differently, just gives me exactly what I need without even having to ask. Forces me to eat because he won't let me wither away. She wouldn't want that so I do it. For her.
He comes next to me in silence, sitting on our rock where I've been most of the day, curled up and staring out into the distance. I still have no clue how the fence has no electricity during the Games, especially mandatory viewings but I can't complain about that. I feel the need to be here by myself and occasionally with Gale, trying to wrap my head around everything. Trying to figure out what I'm going to do because I really couldn't tell you what that could be. But I do know one thing from the few times I've been at my home.
"I can't do it." I croak out, my voice rough from disuse and sobbing for the past few days. I don't look anywhere but the distance like I was already, but I can feel his eyes boring into me. Desperately trying to figure out what it is I can't do, because to be honest, it's a lot at this point.
"What?" he questions me after a minute, his tone guarded. He must think it's really bad, and in a way it is. But despite the promise I made I don't think I can actually do it.
"She…asked me and mother to…take care of each other. And she's…worse than when he died." I get out finally, burying my face into my hands. I feel his arms wrap around my shoulders and I sigh, leaning into his comfort. At least if my mother can't help me someone can.
"He won you know." Gale breaks the silence with after a while. "Marshall."
Good to know someone can keep their promises to her.
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"You have to go back to school Katniss. We can't cover for you anymore, the Games are over." Darius warns me at Greasy Sae's station the day after the Games ended. Three days since I lost her. I slowly put down the soup cup that Greasy Sae was forcing me to eat and look up at the normally joking and cheeky young peacekeeper, who now is more serious than I've ever seen him before.
And as much as I would like to just do this, not go to school, go in the woods all the time whether I hunt or not, just come to the Hob for somewhere to be other than my home where my mother is just a ghost of a person, I know he's right. I'm honestly surprised that I haven't gotten into trouble yet, though I hadn't really thought that through until now. It must have been because the peacekeepers that frequent the Hob like Darius have been covering for me at the mandatory viewings. I owe them so much for that, and I don't want Darius to get in trouble because of me so I nod slowly.
"Okay." I barely whisper. Instead of giving me the look of pity I'm sure he wants to, he gives me a goofy smile and goes back to the other peacekeepers.
School, however, is its own kind of awful. If I thought the pity I would get just in the district was bad, it's nothing compared to this. I had always stuck to myself aside from Madge sitting with me and us both in silence, but I had never had the looks I receive the day I go back to school. If learning about mindless, horrible coal wasn't bad enough, now I have this. Poor Katniss, the girl who lost her little sister to the Games. I can't stand it. Thank goodness tomorrow is a Sunday because I don't really know if I could handle another day of this in a row yet.
Honestly I don't know if I ever will.
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When she hadn't come by sunrise I left a note at our place and went to check the snare line. I'm a little surprised she wasn't there yet since I'm pretty sure she'd been in the woods basically all day since Prim died, but maybe she…well I don't know to be honest. And as much as I want to wait for her, we need food. Between skipping work that day and the Games I haven't eaten myself in two days, making sure that everyone else eats first even if it's not a lot at all. Despite her still being in a depression of sorts, I know she'll understand. This is about survival.
Even when I come back to our spot about two hours later with a gamebag filled with three rabbits and two squirrels, she's still not there. The note I left hasn't left it's place and I start to get worried. Where is she? She definitely should be here by now. Did she get into trouble or something? I know Darius said that he and a few other peacekeepers were going to make sure she didn't get in trouble for not being at the mandatory viewings, but did someone else find out? God I hope not, she has enough to deal with as it is.
Luckily I don't have to wait very long though, because not five minutes later she comes through the bushes, an expression on her face that for once I can't read. For some reason it makes me nervous but I couldn't tell you why.
"Hey Catnip." I greet her, studying her carefully for any sign at all of what she's thinking. She doesn't answer, just comes over and grabs my hand before pulling me back towards the bushes, back towards the district. Once she trusts that I'm following her she lets go and stalks ahead. She's angry, that's for certain. I'm sure depression is in there too, but the anger is evident now. And an angry Katniss can't be good for whoever is on the other end of it. I hope it's the Capitol, but if it was only that she'd probably be ranting like I always do, not leading me to some unknown location. But at least she's taking me with her; I can always stop her from doing something stupid that way.
Or at least I can try.
"Where are we going?" I finally ask her, my curiosity finally taking over the sense that I should just let her do whatever it is she wants to do no questions asked. She stops and looks at me for a minute before answering.
"Visiting." She finally answers me. I quirk an eyebrow in response, a million questions running through my head that I don't voice. Once she's satisfied that I'm not going to question her further right now she turns around again and goes on. More out of protectiveness than curiosity now, I follow her still. Something tells me she needs protecting from herself.
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Another year without a Victor. Another year where two dead kids come home. I don't know why it surprises me, makes me feel this guilty now of all years. It's not like I've really tried at all most of the time.
Oh right, I actually did try this year. I did care because that little girl wanted to go home so badly, wanted to try. She wasn't worth much in the fighting department but damn Cinna convinced me that we could make her memorable. We could make the Capitol hate her death and remember her.
The Angel on Fire they called her. The angel part was true, she looked like a townie but she was from Seam. Sweet girl too. Lead me to this; wasted beyond recognition. There's only two things I can get out of it; one, she's definitely memorable, and two, thank god that kid won who had a little crush on er. Makes remembering her far easier. Maybe it will be the beginning of the rebellion we need, a horrible death of someone who shouldn't have died. Should have never been in the damn Games in the first place.
Somewhere in my wallowing and drinking I hear a bang on the door and for some stupid reason decide to answer it. The moment I do I'm punched in the face, the knock more surprising than hard. But I'm not actually mad. I probably deserve it anyway. Looking up to who my attacker was I find a Seam girl, around sixteen I'd guess and a young man maybe ten feet behind her just watching, a smirk gracing his face at the scene. I don't know her, what is she doing knocking me around? I stare at her again and then I realize who she probably is. Got my ears talked off about her enough before the Games.
"The sister I'm assuming." I slur more than I meant to. She nods, a glare in her eyes.
"You didn't save her!" she screams at me, the pain evident in her every feature and voice despite the anger. Even I can tell that and I'm wasted out of my mind. But taking it out on me isn't really the right thing to do. Studying her, I realize that she could be just what we need. She's got the attitude and the anger for sure. The motive too.
"I tried." I protest, waiting for her reaction. She doesn't even hesitate to yell back.
"You should have tried harder! She was just a little girl, she didn't deserve it, you-"
"No one deserves it sweetheart! No one." I yell back to her. It seems to shock her into at least not yelling back at me right away so I continue. "It's what we have to do. If it's anyone's fault it's the damn Capitol's!"
It's treason what I'm saying, and I know I could get in a shit ton of trouble for yelling it so close to I'm sure the bugs or cameras in my house. I shouldn't say that at all unless I'm in a safe room or the woods beyond the fence but she needs to calm the fuck down. And frankly, if I gave a shit what they did to me I wouldn't have done half the stuff I do. I got nothin left to lose anyway.
"I know that." She seethes and I study her again as she glares at me, the young man in the background still silent, taking in the scene. I vaguely recognize them from the Hob. They're the hunters, the ones who go past the fence daily and trade game. They're already rebels in a way so it's really not that different at all.
"You and you." I point to each of them. They quirk their eyebrows and wait for me to say something for once. "Ya wanna feel better sweetheart?" I question her and she nods, the questioning glare never leaving her eyes. "Then yelling isn't the answer. The answer is helping to stop this madness."
"With what?" the boy asks and after a swig of alcohol I look straight to sweetheart's face.
"Revenge on the Capitol of course." I answer. The boy smirks and I can already tell he's on board but she still looks at me.
"How?" she asks, clearly guarded but willing to do it. Anything for her dead sister I guess. That's the motive I'm lookin for.
"You two meet me outside the fence at dusk in the weak area closest to Victor's Village. We'll talk there."