Sword Maiden shuddered in forbidden ecstasy as she felt the bed shift beneath her from his weight. Naked, she wore only the black blindfold that was her mark of secret shame. Golden hair tickled her skin as she waited, on hands and knees, breathless with anticipation. Then he took her wrist, and she couldn't suppress a moan. 'Don't make me wait!' the Gold-ranked Adventurer wanted to beg. Yet at the same time, the thrill of anticipation was such a delight!

The feel of a velvet band wrapped around her wrist. Goosebumps dotted her skin as he selected her other hand, tying them securely together. Straining to keep from collapsing forward, Sword Maiden heard him attach the velvet rope to the corner post of her bed. 'Yes,' she exulted inwardly. 'Now, do it now, take me NOW…!'

Hard fingers yanked her head back by the hair, and she felt the sharpened edge of a sword pressed to her milk-white throat.

"Confess," the masked warrior's voice reverberated hollowly by her ear.

There was no anger in his tone, no sense of condemnation. It gave her such a sense of dizzying relief that everything she had kept hidden from him came spilling out.

"Yes," she whispered. There was no point lying now. He had caught her. She was completely in his power. "I knew about the goblins. How could I not? Because I am the one… who let them into the city." With great care so as not to risk cutting herself, she turned her face slightly to one side. This much she wanted to know. "What gave me away?"

"The question you asked upon my arrival." His blade did not waver when he spoke. It made her weak and heady with long-restrained desire. "You wanted to know if I could kill a family member if I discovered they were serving the forces of darkness. It was too deliberate a statement. So I questioned the town guard about the acolyte girl's death which started all this. What they told me didn't sound like the work of goblins. That left only one option."

An ache of fear in her chest, combined with the cold numbing creep of sadness through her bones. Disappointment. Self-reproach. Of course, he of all people recognized it.

"I did it," she said, and it felt so good to get that out she could have laughed. "I killed her! She was a traitor, an agent of the forbidden sects that still worship the Demon Lords! I gave her what she thought was secret information which could spell disaster if it fell into the wrong hands. Then I followed her, and when she took the decoy to a part of the city where my enemies were known to inhabit, it was all the confirmation I needed. So I confronted her, and before she could so much as beg for her life, I… I cut her to pieces!"

Sword Maiden sobbed at the memory. Tears slipped past her blindfold. All the rage, the sense of betrayal and loss, had combined into a frenzy of recrimination, and what she had intended to be a clean death turned into a slaughter. The horror of the massacre saw her hide the body in the sewers. But even there, it was discovered by the town watch. And so…

"The truth could not be allowed to get out," she whispered. "If it was known a servant of our order had betrayed the Supreme God, and worse, what I had done in response… it would have shaken the people's faith! That was why… I needed a scapegoat. Something simple, which could be dealt with easily and so resolve the affair. Of course, my mind went to the goblins. I leaked the location of the Gate to them. Their shamans were able to activate it. Even then, all would have been well. I thought a doughty force could swiftly retake the Gate. But… no one took it seriously! Only goblins… they didn't care… didn't afford it any thought, just a nuisance to them. And I was left alone… waiting for my sins to rise up and swallow me… for the goblins to come and… punish me…!"

"Is that all?"

"Yes," she gasped with a shudder.

"Are you ready?"

Every nerve ending in her body was throbbing at what she knew must come next. At last, at last! Divine justice would be served!

"Yes!" Sword Maiden panted. "Do it! Take my filthy head! Cut it clean off, and then have your way with my lewd, decapitated body in any manner you see fit while my severed head looks on! By all that is holy, DO IT! PLEASE! I can't wai–!"

He slashed the sword across her throat in an instant. Blood came spurting out, cutting off her final words. Bound, helpless, the once-admired heroine thrashed and kicked as she felt everything go shockingly cold. Her struggles died out, and she sank down to soft satin sheets stained with a defiled woman's life-blood.

Then he took a great hank of her hair and pulled it back, out of the way, baring her neck for the cleanest of strokes. Just one, that was all it would require, she could hear the muscles tightening in his powerful arm. As he prepared to behead her all she could think was, 'Yes! YES! Oh, my sweet avenging lord Goblin Sla–!'

The short sword flashed.

"MERCIFUL SUPREME GOD!"

The door of the confessional burst open, and out tumbled a Neophyte Priest. The young member of holy orders sat gasping and sweating from the conflicting experiences surging through his skinny frame. Revulsion warred with yearning, causing him to quake from such powerful emotions!

Moments later, the other door opened, and the Archbishop herself came out, sensual body dressed in immaculate white garments while holding the sword-scales that was her mark of office. She turned her blindfolded head to regard him on the floor. The Neophyte Priest could only gape up at her in abject disbelief.

At last, Sword Maiden smiled.

"Believe me," she said, "I have heard far worse than that in the confessional box. You must become accustomed to this sort of thing if you are to serve the people and our God effectively."

She crouched beside him, exuding a warmth and kindness that only one who had walked in the footsteps of angels could possibly achieve. "I am pleased to welcome you into His service," she informed the newly anointed servant of the Temple. Holding out a hand, Sword Maiden graciously helped him to his feet. He stood there nervously, unable to take his eyes off her. "You may return to your quarters. And remember…"

At this the legendary hero laid a hand upon his shoulder.

"What you hear in the confessional can never be repeated. Under no circumstances are you allowed to divulge what you have learned from those who put their faith in you. Even should you seek the release of the confessional yourself. That is the burden we all must carry, for the sake of our flock."

She turned him around and sent him on his way with a gentle nudge. The youth tripped and nearly fell as he made his way out of the sanctuary. Sword Maiden watched him go with a contented smile before returning to her duties feeling notably more lighthearted. There was nothing she enjoyed more than showing trainees the ropes. Confession truly was good for the soul.

"Have you noticed all the priests in this town have a haunted look about them?" Spearman asked.

"What do you… mean?" His partner Sorceress had been leaning over the side of the bridge to watch the canal flowing by. She looked up and spied an ashen-faced young man with a tonsured head and holy vestments go stumbling past them.

"I dunno," Spearman shrugged and leaned against the railing beside her, his weapon tucked securely in the crook of one arm. "It's just been bugging me ever since we came. Not important, I guess."

"If you say… so."

The two Silver-ranked Adventurers left off their sightseeing and headed back towards the Guild building. This latest assignment had brought them to Water Town, where they availed themselves of a greater variety of goods and services to prepare for the trials ahead. You never knew when you were going to stumble across something nice in the big city.

"And lo, twin arrows puncture the Kobold's brain! Even as the brute falls dead, GOBLIN SLAYER arises from the remains of the vile criminal's forces, his armor bespattered with goblin guts and entrails! A fey light burns in his eye as he turns to his colleagues and asks… 'Whither hence the goblins, fair comrades?'"

The stalwart pair passed a troubadour entertaining his adoring audience on the street. Coins flew in abundance at the completion of his tale, and the gaily-dressed minstrel swept a bow before moving to collect the day's earnings. Sorceress couldn't help but smile at the recitation. Beside her, however, Spearman blew out his breath dismissively. "Tch! Like Goblin Slayer ever called anybody fair."

"Don't be so hu… ffy," she teased him in turn. "One day, they'll… sing songs about you, no… doubt."

"Hrmph," he grunted and strode on ahead. Sorceress smiled affectionately before following along. The sounds of the street performer's accolades diminished behind them. It made her wonder how Goblin Slayer would react to hearing such accounts of his exploits. Probably wouldn't give it a second thought. He could be so very dense about these things. It was quite the trial for certain female members of his entourage. Kind of like some people I know, she thought, watching Spearman's retreating back.

Still, what would we do without them?

"Abraca… dabra," Sorceress intoned and wiggled her fingers over her upturned hat. The audience of children leaned closer as she reached inside, and came out holding a goblin by the hair! The partygoers gasped in amazement while the yellow-eyed monster peered around the room as though wondering how it got here.

Then Goblin Slayer marched up onstage and slit the creature's throat with a knife.

Blood sprayed everywhere, besmirching the front row of children, including the birthday-girl herself. High-pitched voices screamed shrilly, and a furious mother came racing in from the sidelines. "You're FIRED!"

Sorceress just smiled, and bowed.

The goblin's head and feet were the only parts of it visible sticking out of the box. They wiggled and thrashed in a panic, while above it, Goblin Slayer was busy using a huge serrated blade normally applied to felling trees as he sawed determinedly through the box. Hushed mutters came from the watching crowd.

"I don't get it," the manager of the theater sounded a bit ill from his place beside Sorceress in the eaves. "What's the trick?"

The gorgeous spellcaster tilted her head to one side and blew out a smoke stream. "Trick?"

He darted a suspicious look at her, then back at the performance onstage. The saw was halfway through, and now the goblin began to screech in its unholy language. This incomprehensible jabber turned into an almighty shriek of pain as blood erupted from the beast's mouth and nostrils. Goblin Slayer kept right on sawing, not slackening in the slightest as gore and fat came pouring out of the sides. Several onlookers leapt up shouting in alarm.

As the frantic manager raced past her to put a stop to this, Sorceress smiled. "A magician never re… veals his secrets," she pronounced coyly.

"And now," Sorceress closed the box, cutting off sight of the dozen or so scrabbling goblins her magic wall kept trapped inside, "my lovely assis… tant will complete the… illusion."

Goblin Slayer stepped up to a rack of sharpened swords and drew one in each hand. He advanced towards the box from which the cries of the goblins could clearly be heard. Sorceress waved at an anxious nun near the back of the room who was clearly striving to make it known she would like a word with her. The gaggle of orphans watching didn't seem to mind. They were just glad to get some entertainment to liven up their dull day.

Just as she had taught him, Goblin Slayer paused with one sword upraised to heighten the tension. The children held their breaths. At last, with a grand flourish, he stabbed the sword into the box. Its tip came out the other side covered in blood. Moments later the second blade went in, and then Goblin Slayer trooped back to get some more. Inhuman screams filled the air as happy orphans cheered.

After being told in no uncertain terms that not only would they not be welcome back again, but that a special spot in hell was no doubt waiting for them both, the pair of entertainers packed up their gear and departed. They disposed of their 'props' in a pit along the way. Vultures flew overhead, having picked up long ago that wherever these two went, a fresh green feast was soon to follow.

"You did… great," Sorceress reassured her lover, leaning over the front of the cart to plant a kiss on his helmet.

"Go-o-o-o-blins," he rumbled in return and proceeded to haul their amateur troop down the road.

"What's so funny?" Spearman glanced over his shoulder with a grin, asking to be let in on the joke.

"Nothing," she giggled, fist pressed to her lips in amusement. "Just consi… dering a career… change."

"As what, a magic act?" he guffawed. Not for the first time, she wondered if maybe they could be spending a little too much time together. While pondering this the pair approached the Guild Hall. It did not escape either of their attention that a huge crowd had gathered outside. What's with all the commotion? They exchanged a glance, and after Spearman pushed their way through to the open front doors, he marched in only to stop with an exclamation of surprise. "Hey, look who's here! It's…!"

"So, like, I'm always in the party, y'know? Like, if I'm not there, nobody can go anywhere. And we, like, were on the boat, when all of a sudden, there was this Kraken, and it was real big, and it had tentacles. And I'm like, 'Excuse me? Did I, like, order calamari, and forget about it?' And my party was like, 'No, girl, you toats did NO-O-OT, cuz we, like, remember that you only eat seafood when you're on a diet.' Like, y'know?"

Goblin Slayer had never been more thankful to be wearing a helmet. Not even to save himself from a concussion. Because of it, she couldn't see his eye starting to twitch.

Seated at the table across from him, Female Hero, the soldier of destiny herself, fresh off her triumph against the resurrected Demon Lord, was regaling him with her heroic… exploits. He didn't know why this strange young woman had suddenly sat down at his table. He didn't understand what her interest in him might be. She certainly hadn't mentioned goblins at any point. He would have remembered that.

His head was starting to spin.

"I like to change up my party com-po-zi-shu-u-un, y'know? So, like, everybody gets a little XP, and they can learn new Skills, and that means new Double Techs, and maybe even Triple Techs for me, y'know? Like, those are super-duper helpfu-u-u-ul, when you're, like, dealing with counterattack mon-sters. Like, they can only hit one of you, y'know?"

Goblin Slayer did not move. He did not speak. This was normal for him, but now… even more so. Like something was preventing him from leaving, or even asking her to stop. He was trapped here. With her.

And heaven help him…

"So I, like, did this No-Potions Run of the Underwater Ruins, cuz there's, like, no real challenge to it these days. Like, I got the Mermaid Corset, so I can, like, breathe underwater now, and that makes it too easy. Monsters just su-u-u-ck."

She would not… SHUT… UP!

A high-pitched ringing was steadily growing in his ears. He could feel his heartbeat pounding, loud and unrestrained. Blackness started to creep in around his field of vision.

"My Charisma is, like, through the roof, y'know? I could Charm a Red Dragon now, and my party thinks I should, cuz then we could, like, ride it, and get where we're going really fast, but I'm, like, not sure I want to, y'know? Like, the journey is, like, half the battle, y'know? Or the destination, or knowing is the battle. I dunno. Do you think I'm pretty?"

That pounding had a voice now. Kill-KILL-kill-KILL-kill-KILL. Usually he only experienced this when faced with a goblin. But Female Hero was not a goblin…

"I think you should, like, join my party. I've got an outfit picked out for you, and it's, like, super awesome, and it would match your eyes. Oh, that reminds me, take off your helmet, let me see your eyes. I'm, like, super good at picking out new Helper characters, but I need to see their eyes. They're, like, the window to the soul. Like my eyes? They say I'm amazi-i-i-ng. Like I can't be beat, y'know? My party's name is 'NoOOBS!', y'know? With, like, an exclamation mark, and No Noobs squished together, so that it's, like, subtle."

…or was she?

"I'm, like, favored by the Gods, y'know? Like they just want me to win. I've got this sword, and her name is 'Violentta', like 'violent' and 'Bayonetta' put together, have you ever seen me cosplay as her? I look super ho-o-o-t. Anyways it's a +5 vorpal sword of sharpness, and it triples my stats, and makes me, like, have a critical hit rate of, like, Crono's Rainbow Sword, which is…"

His vision swam.

"…not to date you, or whatever, cuz you look super old, maybe it's the armor…"

Female Hero's nose grew out and became hooked. Her eyes shrank into little yellow lumps. Warts grew on her chin, her teeth turned crooked and broken, ears lengthening into points. The words she spoke became a noisome chattering. And the skin… it was green, the color of GOBLINS…!

"…I think Sword Maiden is your sis-te-e-e-e-er. Like she's blonde, and she's got, like, amnesia, cuz of what the goblins did to her, and now she's, like, in love with you, and-GMPH!"

The dagger came easily to his hand, and then he was stabbing her.

Stabbing, stabbing, stabbing the goblin. Divine voices in his head tried to force him to stop, telling him this was not a goblin, but Goblin Slayer paid them no mind.

"OH, GODS HELP ME! GODS HELP ME, GODS HELP ME! GO– WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME, GODS? I AM YOUR LOYAL SERVANT! I PRAISE YOUR NAME! WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME BE STABBED TO DEATH BY A PSYCHO?!"

Yes, he could do this, because it was a goblin. And he was Goblin Slayer. The Gods had no say in that.

It was that simple.

"But it was so easy, I just walked in there and said, 'Hey, you! Yeah, you! You know what time it is? That's right, it's Hero Time! And BAM! I let 'im have it!"

Female Hero and her party were the center of attention in the hall. Everyone wanted to get a look at the champions who had rescued their realm from tyranny. Goblin Slayer's party made room on the bench for Spearman and Sorceress to sit down. Both did so, very slowly, with looks of wonder on their faces. Perhaps they would change their minds after a while.

For his part, Goblin Slayer knew he had to leave before he did something… crazy.

"I believe Long Ears had a wee bit too much. Could one of you…?"

Goblin Slayer stood upright. "I'll take her."

Ignoring the looks of surprise this earned him, he moved to where their teammate had slumped over the tabletop, cheeks bright red and a drunken happy smile on her face. He pried the half-empty grog cup from her grip, then bent and maneuvered her limp form onto his back. Taking firm hold of the elf's legs, he walked in hunchback fashion towards the stairs. For once he was grateful their Ranger had no capacity for alcohol.

High Elf Archer mumbled something against him before wrapping her arms around his neck with a sigh. Her breath reeked of wine, and he was half-convinced she might throw up on him before they reached the rooms they had reserved. This was not the worst thing that could happen, he reflected. Goblin Slayer wasn't sure what might have put those thoughts in his head earlier. But he knew himself well enough to recognize when a strategic retreat was in order.

By necessity, his path took him near Female Hero's position where she continued to proselytize to a rapt audience. He drew within a few paces of her.

"So I, like, opened the treasure chest, and all these monsters came out, and everybody thought we were going to die, but I was like, 'Hello-o-o, do you see what it says over my head? That reads, 'Hero', y'all, so you's best step off 'fore I get triggered, and…"

Goblin Slayer's eyes alighted on a meat cleaver sticking out of a serving board piled with roast aurochs.

Pick it up. Bury it in her skull before anyone can react. Fight your way out.

"Orcbolg? Where we goin'?"

The slurred voice in his ear brought him back to reality. Goblin Slayer passed by the Hero's soliloquy without incident. He made it up the stairs, found the right room, and helped a grumpy High Elf Archer out of her boots before tucking her into bed. He then lay down on a cot opposite to try and get some sleep.

For some reason, Goblin Slayer found himself appreciating the women in his life more than ever. It made for pleasant dreams.

FIN.