Thank you all for the lovely comments as always. x
Sam insisted on driving us to Dorset and I gave in but under the condition that we took my car. Airport rentals just didn't do specialised Mercedes Benz. Of course he obliged only too willingly. The drive was lovely, a hint of serenity about it with no music to distract us. I loved the views as a passenger, the city slipping by with each mile we took until eventually it was meandering our way through small villages, trees and the most wonderful scenery. We talked like couples would, laughed and joked as if we had never been apart, that distance having somehow brought us together like it never had before. It was different, surreal almost that it could affect us in this way that I had once dreamed we could have been if we had stayed together. We were no longer contrasting people, we were more alike now than ever before.
I had omitted talking about Grace's behaviour, my failures as her Mother too hard to say aloud. I didn't admit to struggling very easily but the truth is I need him around more. It would be selfish to ask it of him, I couldn't ask him to give up on his son nor his New York life because I wanted this. I was the one who had pushed him away. A little part of me wondered if she would be better off going to live with him to see if she's happier but I can't give up on her. I can't even bear the thought of living a life with her on a different continent. It's hard enough sending her off to boarding school every week. I couldn't dispel the conflictions running through my head. They were affecting my daily judgements, my balancing act tumbling to the ground in an extraordinary fashion. I was losing control of everything and it frightened me. I don't know what I would do if I were to fall farther, harder than this.
As we entered the school grounds, the car came to a halt, I took a deep breath in readiness having already held back too much from him. "There's something I haven't told you. I couldn't do it over the phone nor on Skype. It would have worried you too much." He pulled the keys out of the ignition and turned his head to read my expression. "What is it?" He looked sympathetic yet puzzled. "The day of Jeff's funeral, I had a phone call from Grace's school. They'd expelled her for bad behaviour." I dropped my gaze from his, his eyes ablaze with hurt. "Tell me everything." I inhale deeply, closing my eyes before letting it all flood out. "I've had to move her twice now. She's in the last good school in Dorset. They've already suspended her from this school. If she gets expelled from this one again I don't know what I'm going to do with her. She seems so angry all the time, I'm failing her Sam. I give her everything but it's not enough. I wouldn't be surprised if we walked in here and were sat down to be told her behaviour had become too big an issue for them. It's become so hard for her lately, for us. I don't seem to know what she wants or needs anymore. Every time I ask her she screams at me, we argue and I cry because I don't know what to do with her." I clear my throat, fighting back the tears I didn't want to cry. A sudden strength pushing them back now the words were spoken. "Don't worry, we'll sort it out. I'll talk to her, see what's going on." I nodded in agreement. "She'll probably tell you she hates me, that I'm a bitch and she wants to live with you." His hand felt for mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Whatever has happened with her, she doesn't mean it. We'll deal with this together. Now, put on that brave face of yours and channel that Connie I once knew. I expect we'll need her to pull the wool over their eyes in here." I couldn't help but laugh. I'd missed his humour.
I checked my reflection in the mirror, applying a little lipstick to distract from the drained, pale look I was currently pulling off rather well. I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly in preparation for what was about to come. I couldn't wait to see Grace's face light up upon seeing her Father but in equal measure, I dreaded to the pit of my stomach the look of hate and despair that would dance on her eyes as she looked at me. I closed my eyes and prayed that Sam would be able to make a difference as we got out of the car and walked into the school. He draped his arm around me, hugging me as we walked, whispering, "Everything will be alright. I promise." I tilted my head up to meet his gaze. "I genuinely hope you're right otherwise I don't know what I will do." He kissed my head as we parted through the doors to the school.