Qui-Gon stood on the back of the speeder his Padawan had fallen from just moments before and surveyed the destruction caused by his own hand. He could hear distant shouting. It almost sounded like someone was calling his name. The speeder was losing momentum now that its pilot was slumped over dead in his seat.
-Qui-Gon, wake up,- Obi-Wan called through their Force bond. The dream faded as Qui-Gon felt himself being pulled up and out of the murky waters of sleep.
He woke to find himself hopelessly tangled in his sheets with Obi-Wan trying to keep him from falling off the bed completely. His Padawan looked as if he'd seen a ghost. Qui-Gon's heart shattered as he realized that he'd seen the nightmare. He knew the darkness that lurked in his Master's heart. He'd seen what Qui-Gon had been so careful about keeping from him.
A wave of shame washed over the Jedi Master as he struggled to free himself from the tangled sheets. It's my own fault, I was selfish in wanting him to stay last night, he thought as he quickly shielded his mind from his Padawan's inquisitive probing.
"It's all right, you're all right,"Obi-Wan said soothingly as he helped his Master free himself. "It was just a dream."
"It's not just a dream," Qui-Gon mumbled. "A mere dream would take its leave from my life. This one persists."
Obi-Wan said nothing, simply continued to work to free his Master. Once Qui-Gon was freed of the tangled bedsheets, he practically sprinted to the fresher, locking the door behind himself.
How humiliating, he thought as he leaned across the sink. He rested his forehead against the cool glass of the mirror that hung above the sink and he sighed. His hands were shaking as he fumbled with the faucet. I've failed him again. He shouldn't know such things about me. I wasn't strong enough to face my struggles alone and now—
-Master? Do you want me to stay?- Obi-Wan asked through their training bond. Qui-Gon didn't know how to answer him. Selfishly he did want the boy to stay, but he also was desperate to nurse his shame alone. He did not answer, merely splashed his face with cold water a few times and willed his hands to stop shaking.
Fifteen minutes later, Qui-Gon emerged from the fresher looking a lot closer to himself than he had upon waking. Obi-Wan was sitting on the edge of the freshly made bed, waiting patiently for his Master. He wouldn't meet the younger man's eyes as he crossed the room and put on a fresh tunic. He could feel Obi-Wan's eyes on him as he walked back over and sat in his favorite chair near the fresher door. He faced his Padawan but still did not look at him.
"Is that the same nightmare you've been having all this time, Master?" Obi-Wan asked after a long, not entirely unpleasant silence had passed between them. Qui-Gon said nothing. "It's not going to happen, Master. You don't have to worry about me."
"Obi-Wan…" Qui-Gon sighed. He could feel the boy reaching out to him through the Force and he wanted to let down his guard, but he'd already let him see too much. "You don't understand."
"Then help me understand. Don't shut me out, Master. Please. I want to help you."
The older man finally met his padawan's gaze. Obi-Wan was taken aback at the pain and sadness he saw. How blind have I been? How long has he been hiding this from me? I've failed him, he thought as he looked into his Master's eyes. He felt helpless as he sat there, knowing that a hug would likely be ill-received. Once Qui-Gon had begun to have the recurring nightmares he'd retreated into himself. If Obi-Wan happened to touch him when he wasn't asleep the Master would flinch.
But as he thought of the many times his touches had been rebuked, he remembered the hug from the night before. Qui-Gon hadn't shied away then. In fact it had seemed that his Master had wished that hug to last longer than it had. Perhaps he won't shy away now, he thought.
He stood up and walked over to where his Master sat. He knelt beside him and hugged him over the arm of the old chair his Master favored. Qui-Gon tensed, his breath catching in his throat, but Obi-Wan held on.
Slowly— almost painfully so— he felt his Master's defenses begin to crumble. The connection was almost overwhelming. It had been months since his Master had truly dropped his guard around him. Years even, possibly.
"You've been hiding from me for so long, Master," Obi-Wan exclaimed softly, tears welling in his eyes. He had to back out of Qui-Gon's mind. He'd never felt such fear coming from his Master, nor such love. It wasn't the love he was so used to feeling from his Master. It was different, more intense, and bathed in the man's fear.
"It is not your place to worry about me, Obi-Wan. It has been for your own good." Qui-Gon's words were laced with the guilt that overwhelmed the connection between the two men. Obi-Wan loosened his grip and pulled back so he could look his Master in the eye.
"Qui-Gon, I'm not a little boy anymore. You don't have to hide things from me to protect me. You know me better than even Bant knows me, and she's known me for far longer. If you've been in such pain for so long, you should've told me. I shouldn't be worrying about you, you're right. I should be helping you."
"It is forbidden," Qui-Gon said guiltily. "The level of attachment I feel for you. Master Yoda senses it. He believes that is where the dream is coming from."
"But you're not so sure," Obi-Wan said. He was hesitantly testing the waters with Qui-Gon's mind once more, wary of the love and guilt that had threatened to consume him the last time. He didn't understand why Qui-Gon would hide feelings of love. Attachment was forbidden, but love certainly wasn't.
"I've had dreams that have spawned from my anxieties before. They've never lingered as long as this."
"Well it's not going to come true," Obi-Wan assured him. "Unless one of the younglings is a bounty hunter in disguise."
Qui-Gon couldn't help but chuckle at the very idea of a bounty hunter posing as a small child in order to complete a job. His Padawan was glad to hear the sound of his laughter. It was something he'd heard far too little of in recent times.
He felt the fear in his Master recede, leaving only that strange abundance of love.
That can't… That can't be for me, he thought. And yet…
He couldn't deny the feelings he harbored for his Master. He'd never made any attempt to hide them however, and Qui-Gon had been quick to remind him that attachment was forbidden and that it would be best to redirect any feelings he had toward his Master into something productive.
And yet here his Master was, clinging to emotions he'd made it clear that he expected his Padawan to ignore or redirect.
He stood up and straightened his tunic, breaking the physical contact with his Master as abruptly as it had begun. Qui-Gon reached out for him, but Obi-Wan moved just beyond his reach.
Qui-Gon wished he could ease the turmoil in the boy's mind. So long he'd kept his feelings hidden from the boy to spare him from such internal conflict.
"I should've told you ages ago," he said finally. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I thought that, with time, I could control my emotions, but I can't."
"How long have you felt this way?" Obi-Wan asked. Qui-Gon couldn't get a proper read on his emotions. He stood to face his Padawan.
"Since before it was proper," he admitted.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" Obi-Wan was trying hard not to feel hurt at how long his Master had kept him in the dark. He'd struggled with feelings toward his Master since he was a young teenager. Even if they wouldn't end up together, couldn't end up together, it would've been helpful to know he wasn't alone in developing such feelings.
"I, and the Council, thought it best."
"You told the Council?" Obi-Wan's eyes stung as tears welled and threatened to escape down his cheeks.
"I went before them with concerns I did not name and Yoda guessed correctly. You were still a child. My feelings were improper."
"I'm not a child any longer, Master." Qui-Gon shook his head.
"You are still my apprentice. It'll look—"
Obi-Wan couldn't listen to him try to justify keeping him in the dark for so long any longer. He closed the gap between them in two long strides, grabbed his Master by the hair, pulled him down and kissed him. It was a desperate, needy kiss, but it was also incredibly chaste.
When he released his Master and stepped back, he was pleased to note the dumbstruck expression the older man wore as he stared down at his Padawan. Obi-Wan's cheeks burned red at the thought of what he'd just done. What he'd wanted to do for years.
"Obi-Wan…"
The younger man barely had time to look up before Qui-Gon was practically on top of him, his hands cupping his face, his fingers playing with the long braid that rested behind his ear, his lips pressed against his forehead, his nose, his mouth…
-I'm sorry,- Qui-Gon said wordlessly. It was all he could say and he knew it wasn't enough, so he took every emotion he'd suppressed over the years and projected them to his Padawan.
Obi-Wan's knees buckled as the wave of Qui-Gon's love hit him and he found the only thing holding him up was the Force. He clung to his Master's tunic and rested his head against his chest when finally Qui-Gon broke the kiss, panting softly.