Chapter Three: The Princess and The Professor
Hard times as we go
we know what times will change.
I talked to Jesus,
Jesus says I'm okay.
While she says she's on her own
I'll be pacing on the phone
Taking numbers, taking names.
Awful, sick and tired of the game
and it's cold and it's cold and it's cold when you're near.
I talk to Jesus,
Jesus, everyday.
"Are you sure you have the rings?" Emmett asked me again as he shifted uneasily. I watched him pull at his collar and tie. The thrush of people's voices in the pews made me anxious enough to realize he'd done it nine times. I'd already done it fourteen.
"Yes," I nodded, four times. I patted the breast pocket of my jacket and felt the little box. It weighed nine point three ounces.
"Right," he sighed and started talking to the priest. I sat back and tried not to look at the well over seven hundred people watching us, mingling, talking about their own weddings or mundane atrocities like income taxes or the state of the Cubs. Forty-two homeruns, four point one eight ERA with a dismal slugging percentage of point four hundred and eighty-one. I went through the roster thinking about it and began creating future goals to make each percentage higher.
I tried not to think about the past week, and how it dragged on like tires melted to road. So I started thinking about the stats of the '87 Cubs, and restarted configurations.
I only left my condo to go to the lab. I didn't go to the bachelor party. I didn't go to Carlisle's family dinner. Irrationally I figured Bella would be there, and I probably couldn't look her in the eyes considering I'd spent the rest of my week, approximately twenty-five hours total, fourteen point eighty-eight percent, thinking of her. It wasn't her in the 'I wonder if she's liked to get lunch,' kind of way, but more of the 'I can picture her mouth on my zipper,' kind of way. There were eighty teeth on my zipper. It would take four of Bella's to pull it down. I hypothesized how many teeth her zipper had. Figuring how much torque and work I would exert and over varying speeds.
By Thursday, I couldn't get work done, and I was probably more unbearable than normal. I might have gone through the five stages of grief. I was angry, I was in denial, I was depressed. Or three of the five. More than half. Unless the stages included fantasies of a woman I'd just met. Then I had four of the five.
Thursday night I sat staring at the Chicago skyline covered with numbers, painted in symbols from my equation, as I twirled my new best friend, St. Thomas, twelve times. Bella knew me for fourteen minutes, and left me a necklace for no reason, and now wouldn't tell me why, and she wouldn't stop having those legs that were infinity, and she wouldn't stop smiling seventy-four percent of the time, and she liked rainbows that I made, and she knew I would never ask her out, and she knew she would never go out with me, but she told me to anyway. Anger, check. Denial that I liked her, check. Those legs, check. Depression, right.
So I sent her something. I got the guest list from the front desk from the wedding shower, and I stalked her like crazy. It wasn't because I wanted to ask her out, or see her again. It really wasn't. It was because I wanted my mind to stop thinking about things about her. I'd never had this problem, ever. And it was a problem that knew no answer, no limit. So there was frustration in the anger. My therapist would have applauded my emotional awareness, if I still went. I was appalled for having a crush. Appalled and alarmed. Appalled, alarmed, and anxious.
I found a prism. A simple, third grade science experiment kind of prism. I put it in an envelope, and I wrote her a note.
You can make your own rainbows.
It was simple, polite, and a nice offering, because I knew she liked rainbows and it was the best sort of guy thing I could think of; I mean, that's what some people do, they flirt. Only this wasn't flirting. I just wanted to get rid of her, have her turn me down, pull away, something. Her telling me I had a chance was driving me crazy.
Friday afternoon, when I believed Bella was having a torrid affair with a man who did karate and smoked his own meats after hunting in the Adirondacks while teaching orphans Chinese and dancing ballroom while flexing biceps the size of watermelons with a giant smile because he didn't have a brain that never slept, insomnia for that reason, and well, all of what I wasn't, I was at peace, once again, solitary, conquering my hormones, not being crazy, with logic and rationale. Until she sent back the prism.
They're better when someone makes them for me.
I like pizza, sushi, and Italian. Ice cream is good too. -Bella
I read that note almost a million times, until the words became meaningless and I'd memorized the weird way she made some of her t's, the cursive z's and printed s's, and the simple way her B curved, like her spine and lips. And then everything I'd done to get her out of my mind burst forth and spilled all over my room.
"Are you sure you have the rings?" Emmett grabbed my attention again after talking to James and Jasper about something to which they all laughed.
"Yes," I nodded, four more times. I'd nodded twenty-four times to the same question, before patting my chest twelve times.
"I can't believe this is happening," Emmett muttered with a distant smile as he gazed at the stain glass windows behind the priest. I remembered the scene. I counted each piece, according to color, the last time I was in that church. Where we were standing, our parents had closed caskets.
"The irony is rich," I nodded, four times.
"I don't really see it," he fluttered with his tie. Dad never fluttered. Not even nervously. Not ever ever.
"You met Rosalie because I didn't die," I sighed. Emmett looked at me curiously, in a way I'd never seen him look before, something between confusion, understanding, and guilt.
"I never thought of it like that," he nodded, twice. "Now I'm glad you didn't die for another reason." He smiled, that big, oafish one I remembered from when he taught me how to hit a ball at the batting cages, and I actually did.
"You have reasons?" I caught part of it and wondered why he was glad. Our parents were dead, because of me, and I lived. I blamed me.
"I guess," he shrugged. "I never really thought of them in a list. But you're my brother. I know I'm not as smart and can't talk about cuckoo math stuff, but you'll be good for a kidney or liver one day, right?" he laughed, so much it boomed. Everything boomed in a church though, and almost condemned.
"Probably not since I'm on so much medication," I answered honestly.
"Well damn, I guess I'm glad you got me Rosalie then, or I'd be out of reasons," he punched my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. I leaned towards serious, even though he was laughing still from his belly and smiling like when we got lightsabers for Christmas and beat each other to pieces like piñatas. If I were him, I'd probably be serious.
The music started then. Emmett straightened and took a big breath and gulp. He had our dad's jaw. One that tightened with nerves and seemed to hold authority.
I tried to figure out how to optimize acoustics in the giant church. As the music played, the grid formed and sound relay's were mapped in such a way that I hoped to find the perfect seat.
Tanya walked first and I remembered sleeping with her. It didn't make me feel anything, so I went back to mapping with no worries.
Alice was second. Her hair, with gentle waves and black, almost completely encompassing all other colors instead of missing each, reminded me of our mom. She kissed my cheek and then Emmett's before taking her place next to Tanya. For some reason, I didn't mind her as my sister.
Unfortunately, as I went back to counting steps towards the pulpit, Bella appeared. It was unfortunate because someone shouldn't be so beautiful and almost unaware. I wish I could have solved the problem with the space-time continuum and paused that moment, so she was always there, and obtainable, and away from reality, and I could, for the first time in a long time, have a little bit of hope. I wish I could have swallowed as well, but my throat felt dry, and like part of it was defective. I wish I could have told her that I thought she was beautiful, and I liked when she rubbed my temples and that she believed in some things, sometimes. But I went back to doing things in my head. Because here I wasn't nervous.
I guess I blatantly stared at her, the whole time she walked, because I memorized her eyes, and her eyelids, and her nose, and the slopes of her cheeks, and how I was sure there were faint freckles unevenly on both side of the bridge there, and the way her lips pulled into a little smile and she fought to push it away and stay stoic. She smiled at me, straight at me, when she took her spot next to Alice. It was a slight smile, but the kind you see on someone who is genuinely happy. None of that grinning with all of your teeth showing, the whole way to your ears garbage; just contentedness. It was nice. But that was inappropriate. I closed my mouth and tried to swallow again. I hadn't thought of a number until that second. Three. Three smiles already. One wink. There was one wink when she caught me looking at her. I felt a weird movement the whole way near my ears when I smiled back at her. I probably blushed too. She did. It was pretty.
I'm sure the rest of the ceremony was amazing and awe-inspiring like all weddings should be, and I'm sure people cried and clapped and I gave Emmett the rings at some point before they kissed, but I don't really remember that. There were one hundred and twelve candles behind Bella. Her hair shimmered eight different shades at different times. She put her hand to her chest nineteen times.
Rosalie kissed my cheek as Alice and Bella hugged Emmett at the same time. His stocky, giant frame eclipsed them both.
"It's nice to meet you, Rosalie Cullen," I shook her hand. "Take care of him." She gave me a watery smile as if I'd just told her we had to pull out her molars as initiation into the family.
"Thank you, Edward," she cried and hugged me tighter. Her dress was heavy against my body and itched. She went down the line and kissed the best men before kissing Emmett once more. He dipped her and the crowd clapped more. It sounded like white noise. For so long I forgot that they were there, like voyeurs and I suddenly felt dirty. They walked down the aisle towards the waiting cars. James and Tanya followed, arm in arm. Then Jasper and Alice, with him giving her a little twirl and kiss on the hand. I felt like I was on a plantation, or Dollywood, but without the knockers. I wondered what Bella called her boobs. That led to me graphing them, which led to awkwardness.
"Shall we?" Bella's voice surprised me, because it was something I thought I'd forgotten. I hadn't.
"Is there any other option?" I asked weakly while sneaking a peak at her chest. Fucking Dolly Parton.
"We make a break for it, be first to the reception, and get the biggest pieces of cake?" she smiled. Four.
"If only Rosalie wouldn't personally break my legs for ruining the ceremony," I muttered. Bella laughed and grabbed the elbow I stuck out for her to grab. I pushed myself down the aisle with Bella on my arm, and tried to concentrate on not hitting her toes. I'm sure she was already hurting from her heels.
"Thank you, for the prism," Bella whispered as we got almost to the doors. I was three strokes to freedom. That sounded like an innuendo, which I almost wish it was, but that was inappropriate, and slightly blasphemous.
"You sent it back," I grumbled.
"It's not fun to have it so easily. I liked your rainbows," she promised.
"I don't go around making rainbows," I scolded her somewhat. I screamed masculinity.
"Me neither," she smiled. Five. She let got of my arm and we threw rice as Emmett and Rosalie climbed into their limo. I followed the wedding party to our car and slid in last. Bella was beside me. Right beside me.
"God, I'm tired already," she moaned and let her head rest against the back of the seat. Lots of pale neck was exposed. I wondered what the skin would feel like there, where it dipped into her throat, with her jugular underneath, beating lightly. I wondered how it felt, and my fingers itched to slide along it. But that would be creepy.
"The day just started," Alice shook Bella's shoulders until her head lulled forward and they both giggled. Jasper pulled out champagne and handed us all glasses while James made a toast to the wedding party. I sipped quietly while everyone joked around and laughed. Music started playing and the girls started dancing a little. There was lots of giggling.
"God, Bella, you have to come over and help me figure out what I need to survive in Chicago," Alice gushed. I eagerly waited for Bella's answer. She'd be a floor below me. Not that it mattered.
"I barely have time to breathe," Bella laughed. "Between school and work, I'm pretty swamped."
"You can take a few hours to hang out!" Alice continued.
"I'll let you know," Bella looked at me. I wish I would have thought to put my arm around her. That's what guys did; normal, functioning members of society. "I'm waiting on some plans to come through."
I started playing with my empty glass and looking out the window. We pulled up to the hotel where the reception was being held. I tuned out whatever they were talking about because I was still stuck on Bella. It was ridiculous. She was like throwing in another set of limits on an integral. My life had grown exponentially more complicated since her arrival. She was dividing by zero.
The driver put my chair by the door and I hopped in and pulled my legs with me. I watched Bella wince when she stepped out onto the street. She straightened her dress and looked around the crowd that was forming. She looked beautiful, framed in the setting sun. She was beautiful in the dark. I wondered if I was allowed to think things like this, so I stopped.
I'd never used more adjectives in my whole life, then since I met her.
"Looking for your date?" I offered, hoping the ninja hunter would show up any minute to put me to shame with his alarmingly perfect white teeth that were perfect squares, and didn't have too much or too little gum showing, and had dimples and a jaw that could slice through concrete.
"What? Oh, no," she blushed and grabbed her purse. "I was just looking for Rosalie. I didn't have time to find a date."
"Right," I nodded, four times. We moved silently towards the ballroom. The giant French doors opened to the outside garden, which was lit with tiny lights and the glow of the dim dining room and dance floor. Tables were sparkling with silverware and red and white roses. Everything felt crisp, but warm.
"What were you solving at church? You looked lost," Bella asked as we approached the party table. I wondered who looked found in a church.
"The best place to sit for the best acoustics," I smiled because she was looking at me. "It had a lot of good possibilities, because of the high roof and everything." Now was usually when Emmett cut me off completely, so I stopped.
"Have you ever sat alone in a church and listened?" Bella turned to me eagerly. I shook my head, five times. "You can hear everything, and nothing. I've always wanted to take a radio in and listen to music. It'd be like a concert. Where should I sit?"
"If you put the radio in front, you should sit right in the middle, by the thirteenth pew," I answered, recounting to see if I was right. I was.
"I meant for dinner," Bella laughed and I realized we reached the table. I pulled a chair out for her and took the seat beside her. "Thank you. I'll have to remember that."
"If only that church would put in a few acoustic walls or something, it would sound amazing, if they put them in at the right spots," I continued. It was the longest two-sided conversation I'd had in a long time.
"I doubt a lot of people go to church to listen to music though," Bella amended, and I realized it was a silly idea.
"Right," I nodded, four times. I started fiddling with my napkin because the crowd was growing, and it was nerve racking. I counted the plates and figured how many forks were in the room. Two thousand, nine hundred and twelve, considering everyone had two.
"Are you alright?" Bella whispered, leaning towards me as everyone quieted and Emmett and Rosalie came in. I smelled vanilla and strawberries again and took a lungful greedily before gulping and nodding. "You're lying. Give me your hand," she ordered. The furrow in her brow was pretty. That was an awkward thought. Furrows weren't pretty; but hers was.
I placed mine out, under the table. Bella took it and put it in her lap, palm up. I forgot about the world when my hand got so close to her naughty lady parts. Yeah, naughty lady parts.
"When I was little, my grandma told me everything ran through the hands. A clenched fist was a clenched mind," she whispered. She pushed my fingers until they were laying flat and put pressure on the 'v' of my thumb and first finger. She moved in a circle there. I felt a little calmer, but it was probably because she was touching me. My hand was almost holding her hand. My hand was essentially touching her naughty lady parts, if her dress wasn't there. I tried to swallow again, but it was too hard. I didn't want to move, because if I did then it might end. I felt her trace the calluses on my palm from pushing myself around. "Feel better?" she finally turned to look at me through her eyelashes. There was a tiny smile, peaceful and hopeful. I felt worse, if anything.
"Yes," I muttered because my voice couldn't go above that. Bella didn't push my hand out of her lap, but traced the lines in my palm absently after looking towards people talking about Emmett and Rosalie and beginning to eat. She traced one to my wrist where she rubbed circles a little while longer before taking a deep breath and pulling her hands away. I took it as a cue to move mine away from her naughty lady parts, begrudgingly. I felt like all my blood was in my ears, and someone was beating out the message of an impending attack on the war drums of my ear.
The food was served and Jasper and Rosalie pulled her attention away as the table started reminiscing. I just pushed food around. Time drew closer for me to give another speech, and I felt horrible. It was torture. Bella stood beside me to talk about Rosalie and the trouble they got into as kids, about moving with her to Chicago when she met Emmett, about how happy they would be and all of that. It sounded nice. Emmett and Rosalie hugged and kissed her and thanked her. Everyone clapped.
I would have been ashamed to hold Bella's hand now, because they were sweltering, sweating like a lava lamp.
"It's not fair, that I have to follow a speech like that," I started talking when designated. Everyone laughed. Bella shrugged and smiled. Six. I tried to remember parts of my speech but seven hundred and eighty three pairs of eyes stared at me, and Bella smiled, which made me forget my name. "When Emmett told me he was getting married, I asked him which website he ordered his new bride from. Anyone that knows him knows that the idea of one woman conquering him was just, well, unbelievable." Everyone laughed. It sounded like a soundtrack to a show. "Then I met Rosalie. They look at each other and love each other." I started to feel the weight of the eyes on me. It wasn't enjoyable. I choked on some water when I went to sip from it. "I don't believe in love, or anything of the sort, but when I see these two, I can't help but think it must exist. I am honored, to be able to call Rosalie my newest sister. I wish them the most happiness in the world, because I can't think of anyone else who deserves it."
Everyone clapped. My head was twirling and I couldn't see straight because my tie was choking me. Emmett shook my hand and hugged me. Rosalie cried and kissed me again. They moved towards the dance floor and I wiped my forehead with the back of my forearm because I was sweating like a water faucet. I was the pitcher of lemonade on the picnic table in July.
"Deep breaths," Bella whispered to me. I tried to take her in, for strawberries and vanilla, or just one of them, to calm me down, but I didn't want to make a scene. It felt greedy, and wrong, and that didn't help the situation. My hands shook slightly as I fisted then loosened, fisted and loosened, fisted and loosened, fisted and loosened. "Come on," she pushed her chair out and I followed. No one noticed as glasses started to clink for the couple to kiss. They looked like love. The divorce rate for their age group was fifty-eight point nine percent.
Bella stepped out onto the patio overlooking the gardens and cool night air greeted me thankfully. I tried to stop counting each second of my speech, or the stuttering or the inadequacy and think about living and breathing.
"Christ, it's like you're having a panic attack," she muttered. "I hate big crowds too. But it's over, and the speech was really good. Who would have guessed you had a sense of humor?" She laughed. I snorted. It was all I could do. Partially because I couldn't breathe right around her, but mostly because I knew she was right. "We'll just sit out here and breathe. They won't miss us for a few minutes." I wondered how much I would miss her for a few minutes.
I watched her take a seat on the wall and slip her shoes off and wiggle her toes in the night. The lights out here were only the stray rays of those in the ballroom and the little lights in the bushes that were like lightning bugs, framing her in sparkles. It did nothing to help me breathe. She was quiet, and didn't rush me to calm down or anything, which I appreciated. Most of the time Emmett yelled.
"Why wouldn't you think I had a sense of humor?" I questioned, taking deeper breaths. Bella looked peaceful gazing at the sky, neck exposed again. It was the color of creamer.
"You don't smile much, or talk much, or laugh much" she sighed and looked back at me. Her eyes were black now.
"I don't have much to say," I shrugged.
"But you do," Bella scolded me this time. "You think about so much stuff, it's so interesting. And eventually you do talk."
"But you think I'm attractive and intelligent," I offered. "Or else you wouldn't touch me so much and send back the prism." It was science, and what Cosmo said to be true.
"Maybe I'm just curious," she substituted. I considered it and acquiesced.
"Why me? I mean, I clearly would lose in Darwin's survival of the fittest." I was a male peacock with no cock; no flare, no pizzazz on my ass to attract a female.
"We all have defects. Yours are just a little more obvious than mine. But look at this," she pointed to a cut above her knee, about two inches long. There were three or four similar ones radiating around her patella. "I'm defective too."
"Mine is a bit limiting," I suggested, hoping she understood everything I tried to pack into those words.
"We all have flaws too. I'm limited, in ways that might make you run for the hills. Just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean I don't like your smile, or the things you say, or when you make rainbows." Again, she looked up and took a breath.
"I wouldn't run if I could," I whispered. Bella smiled. Seven. I felt like my lungs were pancakes again.
She tucked hair behind her ear and I wished I had thought to do that.
"Thank you, for getting me out of there," I sighed and felt normal.
"Your welcome. Any excuse to take those devil shoes off." I laughed with her, because it was easy and right and I hadn't thought about variables and exponents in a few minutes.
"Do you really think I'm funny?" I grinned.
"Sometimes. I think it's a simple funny though, that is actually anything but. Like, when you told me how many ice cubes it would take to fill Buckingham Palace. I just like the way your mind works." If she only knew, she'd probably insert her foot in her mouth.
"Knock knock," I smiled a little wider and shuffled in a little half circle.
"Who's there?" Bella grinned. I liked the way that looked. Especially when she put her head in her hand and rested that on her knee and looked at me, and only me. It's nice to feel big like a planet sometimes, and her eyes were like the moon, and all she could do was look at me because that's all the moon does.
"Would you go out with?" I started.
"Would you go out with, who?" she returned.
"Would you go out with me, please?" I gave her the best pout I could. It probably looked like a scowl, or better yet like I was going to vomit.
"With a sense of humor like that, how could I say no?" Her laugh was winning, even though her little hand went to her mouth to cover it slightly.
"You give me time to think, and you give me time to figure things out, so thank you," I sat beside her, pulling my body. "Don't get your hopes up." I lifted my legs so I could sit a little more on the wall.
"Too late," she rested her head on my shoulder.
This was a moment I wished would be the end of a chapter, and then the next page would say six months later and we'd be cuddling on the couch, her hand in my lap, and hopefully my hand on her ass, or maybe I'd come home and she'd have diner ready and tell me about everything that happened to her and I'd nod and act upset if she was, or I would be taking her to a fancy dinner and she'd be wearing a pretty green dress and I wouldn't let her wear heels, no matter how much she thought she had to, to look gorgeous, because no matter what she was wearing I'd think she was a knock-out, and I wouldn't eat the fancy dinner, and she'd think I hated her, but really I'd be too busy choking on three words I'd want to tell her to even think about swallowing anything else. And I'd tell her when we fought. And then she would say it back.
But that only happens in books and movies, where things can be montaged. Life, unfortunately, isn't a John Hughes montage.
"You're confusing most of the time," I smiled as wide and as big as I could, even though she wouldn't see it, I couldn't hide it. Sometimes things get so heavy, you have to smile, even if you're not a planet anymore, and even if Emilio Estevez isn't going to be dancing around with Anthony Michael Hall. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, right, Paul Gleason?
"And you're the most readable man on the planet," she snorted. It was cute. "I had to make you ask me out." I asked a girl out. That thought bowled me over like a feather, and cushioned me like a tree limb.
"I never thought of it, because you're just…a girl, who is pretty, and hopeful, and surprisingly peaceful," everything burst forth and I cringed at the embarrassment in the admission. "And I think way too much and I don't speak Chinese or have biceps the size of produce or teeth that were once on a commercial for Aquafresh."
"You think I'm pretty," she sang in a pseudo-mocking tone. I smiled a little more but sat completely straight, again afraid to move, to breathe. I swallowed more barrels trying to go over the Niagra of my tongue.
"Very." I whispered. "Nerve-wrackingly so. What did you mean, when you were reaffirming your faith?"
"I'm not sure. But I felt like a weirdo for doing that," she chuckled and moved against my shoulder.
"I liked it," I admitted finally. "Why are you and Rosalie friends? You seem like opposites."
"We are opposites," Bella affirmed. I slipped my jacket off and put it around her shoulders, because I'd seen it done in movies. She held it tight with one hand and rested her head back on my shoulder. "She's this beautiful, tall blonde goddess, and I'm short, brunette and painfully aware I'm not a goddess. She hasn't read a book the whole way through since eight grade, and I just finished two yesterday. But she's there when I need her, and I'm there when she needs me. It just works. Don't you have someone that just…works?" I thought about it and couldn't name anyone.
"No, not really," I shrugged, forgetting she was on my shoulder. "I don't really have any problems." That was probably a lie. "Well except for you."
"Really?" Bella laughed a little, which was a surprising reaction. "How so?"
"I've never asked someone out before. I haven't done, a lot of things, and it's confusing. I hate being uncertain," I ranted. I felt angry.
"I thought you were quite charming," Bella assured me.
"You're the only person," I muttered.
"Should we go back?" she whispered and sat up straight. I liked the way she looked in my jacket. I wanted to scream, 'no!' but that probably wouldn't be appropriate.
"Probably," I nodded, four times.
"I have to work early tomorrow," Bella stood. I still liked her legs. "So I might leave early." I watched her take off my coat and shiver. I guess I did it right then. I slipped it back on and liked how warm it was from her. Bella in my bed. "But I had fun with you, Edward."
"Me too," I grinned before pulling myself into my chair. I felt like when Mighty Mouse is just a normal mouse again. "I'll see you."
"Definitely," she nodded, three times with an eager smile.
"What if I'm not that interesting?" I asked as we went back towards the reception with obnoxious music and people shouting.
"I think I'm more worried that I won't be interesting," Bella answered.
"That is doubtful," I assured her. We paused at the wide open doors, straddling the line between quiet and chaos.
"And you're a lot more than people give you credit for," Bella leaned down towards me and kissed my cheek. I looked at her with confusion, but a smile. "In case you don't call me, I don't want to say I missed a chance to kiss you. I don't like to waste moments." With that she turned and walked inside. I watched her disappear in a throng of people.
I sat still, as if I'd just been frozen in space, as if someone had just hit pause on me. I still felt the warmth of her lip on my cheek, and traced the spot as if my fingertips would still find it. The numbers came back.
She was going to make my head explode.