Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the sole property of J K Rowling but the OCs are not.

Chapter 3: Muggle Trouble

Remus hugged Alice Longbottom, who had once more come to his rescue. "Alice, I don't know how to thank you enough… again!"

"What's he been doing this time?"

"It's actually work," Remus said, this once his friend getting a free pass. "But he forgotten I'd got my history finals."

"No worries; just leave Harry here with me and pick him up tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"I'm fairly certain you'll want to let off steam and go for a drink with your girlfriend or your friends," Alice said, taking Harry out of Remus' arms. "Grief! He's getting heavy."

"Sirius keeps feeding him rubbish," Remus complained. "If I try and tell him that pizza is bad for Harry, he just says I'm taking away a childhood pleasure."

"I can't ever see Walburga Black giving a child pizza," Alice remarked, before smiling. "Perhaps that's why he's doing it."

"Well, if he doesn't stop, by the time Harry gets to Hogwarts we'll be rolling him in through the doors," Remus remarked, before checking his watch. "Sorry, but I have to disapparate otherwise I'll miss the exam."

"Go, and collect Harry tomorrow. I'll send a message to the Ministry to tell Sirius he's here in case he wants to collect him; if not he's fine overnight."

Remus kissed Alice on the cheek. "Thanks." He then disapparated.

The next morning, Remus walked into the breakfast room to discover a young woman wearing just Sirius' shirt and drinking coffee. It was almost beyond Remus. Despite his bad press, his family connections, and the fact he had killed Dumbledore, Sirius was still as popular as ever, if not more so now that he was considered something of a really bad boy.

"Good morning."

"Morning," the girl said, not batting an eyelid that it was obvious she had slept with Sirius. "You must be Remus Lupin."

Remus was tired and hung over, and more than a little angry that there was yet another woman in their home, so he let the girl have it with both barrels. "I am, although since you're simply a notch on Sirius' bedpost, I have no idea who you might be."

The girl got up and flounced off.

Sirius was scowling as he joined his friend after trying, and failing, to placate the girl before she left. "Could you have been any ruder?"

"Yes, I could have," Remus retorted. "I could've asked how much she charges by the hour, but I thought that being rude would be enough."

"Why?"

"Because I told you when I agreed to take Harry on that I'm not going to be used so that you can get your end away."

"But you weren't here, and neither was Harry."

"You should've collected him!"

"So could you."

"It was my very last exam and I wanted to let off some steam, something Alice Longbottom thankfully understood."

Sirius smirked. "Is there something going on between you?"

Remus put down his mug of tea. "Not everyone is interested in being a bottom feeding scumbag like you."

"So that's a no then?"

"Of course, it's a no," Remus growled, getting fed up of Sirius' obsession with sex. "This may come as a surprise but the rest of the world doesn't revolve around their next conquest. Some of us take our responsibilities seriously, and speaking of which, we've got an appointment tomorrow evening at a nursery school with a crèche where I'm intending to enroll Harry."

"You can't just do things without telling me."

"I've just told you," Remus said, pinching his nose as the headache from his hangover seemed to suddenly worsen.

"Where is it?"

"Solihull."

"Never heard of it."

"It's in the West Midlands," Remus said, not surprised Sirius had no idea. "But if I remember rightly, you're another one of those people who believes the world ends outside of London."

Sirius reddened. "Just because I prefer London to anywhere else doesn't make me a bad person."

"No, it makes you narrow minded," Remus said, before continuing to explain about the school. "It's on the same campus where I've been offered a junior teaching position if my results are as good as expected, and so I thought…"

"It's a Muggle nursery school?" Sirius asked, his voice dripping with as much disdain as Remus' voice had been a moment ago.

"Yes," Remus said, not surprised by Sirius' attitude. "I think it better if Harry is spared the limelight of the wizarding world and has a more sheltered upbringing before he begins at Hogwarts. I don't want him turning out to be like Lucius Malfoy, or James, for that matter."

"Hey!"

"Be honest," Remus said, not put off by Sirius' disgruntled look. "James was my friend but I'll be the first to admit he had a serious attitude problem when it came to looking down at others, or at least he had until Lily took him in hand."

"Okay, so perhaps he did, but I still don't want Harry going to a Muggle school."

"Tough," Remus said, not prepared to back down on the issue. "The cut-off dates for registering at all nurseries and crèches, both wizarding and Muggle, were three days ago."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did. I left you a pile of potential schools and crèches on the desk in your room, which included wizarding options; options that you obviously ignored in favor of shagging a load of miss no-names who you're probably going to see once or twice and then dump."

Sirius went red but found himself in the unenviable position of being unable to argue, since Remus was right. "I don't see why I need to go, since you've obviously already made up your mind."

"Because you co-parent, and the school needs to see you," Remus said, getting up and grabbing a couple of slices of toast the house-elves had cooked. "Don't forget, five-thirty here."

"Where are you going?"

"To collect our ward."

The Next Evening

Sirius looked around the schoolyard. "What's that?"

"A climbing frame, but it's for the junior children, not Harry, as it's too dangerous," Remus said, shifting a babbling Harry to his other hip, "although I imagine right now he'd probably bounce if he fell off."

"He's not that big."

"Sirius, we're buying clothes for four year olds," Remus remarked, still frustrated from the previous day. "And so I've told the house-elves you're not allowed to feed him anymore."

"You can't…"

"If you can't behave like an adult, then yes I can." Remus turned on his friend. "I'm only twenty-one, and I've got a responsibility I never wanted, but unlike you, who claims to want Harry, I've actually done the right thing and tried to do what's best for him, which includes trying to deal with his education."

"He doesn't have to go to school yet."

"True, but I think it best if he does, and you know very well that it's not really school at his age, more of a crèche. And at least this way I can keep an eye on him during the day, and it frees you up during the week."

Sirius was about to complain when he saw an attractive woman coming towards them. "Do you know who she is?"

"Yes, she's the headmistress, and I swear I'll string you up by the balls if you ask for her phone number."

"Her what?"

Remus then realized with relief that Sirius had no idea what a phone number was. "Nothing, just behave."

"Did anyone ever tell you you're a nag?"

"No, since it's only with you I ever feel the need to nag!" Remus hissed, plastering on a smile as the headmistress came over and offered her hand.

Although Sirius had moaned continually about Harry attending the school, right up until the day Harry started, once Harry had begun attending nursery, as Remus had said, it made things run more smoothly in their household, Remus being responsible for Harry during the week and Sirius during the weekend.

Everything went well, even after Remus had moved to teach at a senior school not affiliated with Harry's school, or at least it did until after the end of Harry's fourth and final year...

"Uncle Remus?"

"Yes, Harry?" Remus asked, looking up.

Harry shoved a note at him. "My mate's parents sent this."

Remus took and opened up the letter to read it.

"So can I go?" Harry asked impatiently before Remus had barely seen the first line.

After reading the letter, Remus nodded. "I don't see why not, as long as either Sirius or I take you and speak to Mr. and Mrs. Gloucester before leaving you there."

"Why?" Harry whined, embarrassed at the idea. "It's not as if David's mum and dad are gonna kill me or anything... they're Muggles."

"I know that, but we're still responsible for you, and one of us will therefore accompany you that night."

"I could catch the Knight Bus," Harry said, not wanting to be chaperoned.

"No." Remus was adamant; even though Harry had a training wand, which he could use to summon the Knight Bus, a form of transportation for wizards, Remus was not about to let his charge do so. "Let me check my calendar." After doing so, he confirmed that he would take Harry, unless of course Harry did not want to go.

Harry knew only too well that Remus would put down his foot and say no if he whined or complained too much, so he agreed. "Thanks."

Two Weeks Later

Sirius was patrolling on Diagon Alley when he noticed a massive crowd outside of Ollivanders. "Excuse me, let us through."

Hearing the name 'Harry Potter' as he pushed through the crowd with his partner, Sirius scowled at the sight of his godson standing with a wand in his hand. "Harry, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at David's house."

Harry froze at the sight of his godfather, only responding when Sirius repeated his question. "I was there but I thought I'd bring Ley and David here to show them that I'm really a wizard. Ley said his mother told him that there's no such thing as magic."

Sirius turned to his partner, a junior Auror who had joined his division a few weeks earlier and was openly gawping at Harry. "Kevin, get rid of this lot. I need to find out who else Harry's blabbed to."

"Yes, Sir."

"Are you a magic pig?" one of the two boys with Harry asked.

Sirius turned to face the overweight, blonde haired boy. "A what?"

"A policeman," Harry said, translating for Sirius, before turning to his friend. "Yeah, he's one of our world's coppers. He heads up B Division in BritAD." While Sirius still played fast and loose in his romantic life, he was deadly serious about his work and had been promoted twice in his career, now heading his own division.

"What's that mean?" the same boy asked.

"It means you're in trouble," Sirius said, before shaking his head in dismay at Harry. "I should never have let Remus send you to a damn Muggle school, making Muggle friends and bringing them here."

"It was just a bit of fun."

"And now it's over." Sirius pointed at the three boys in turn as he said, "You, you, and you, you're coming with me."

"I haven't paid Mr. Ollivander for my wand," Harry said quickly, pulling a small purse out of his pocket.

Sirius ignored Harry and spoke to Garrick Ollivander. "How much does he owe you?"

"Seven Galleons, Auror Black," Ollivander said, before placing the wand back in its box. "It's quite an unusual wand; as I was about to tell Mr. Potter, its brother gave him that scar."

"Then he's not having it," Sirius said firmly, not about to let Harry own a wand that was linked in some way to Voldemort.

"I'm afraid the wand chooses the wizard, Auror Black, you should know that. And I doubt that any other wand would be suitable for Mr. Potter… we tried many before we settled on this one."

Sirius threw down on to the counter seven Galleons from his own pocket. "We'll take it for the moment but we may be back. Harry, pick it up and march."

As Harry followed Sirius out, the crowd still milling around and pointing at Harry, David whispered to his best friend, "So it's true; you really are a sort of superhero."

"I told you I was."

Sirius stopped walking, deciding to put a stop to that line of thought immediately. "Harry's not a superhero; he's just a boy who got lucky and who, right now, is in big trouble."

Harry stuck out his tongue at Sirius the moment his back was turned, his other friend, Ley, being even ruder and sticking up two fingers at Sirius, making Harry giggle.

After hearing the giggling, and guessing they were up to some sort of mischief, Sirius came to a halt once again. "Harry, walk in front with your friends. We're going to the Ministry where we're all going to have a little chat."

The Ministry of Magic

Once inside an interrogation room, Sirius sat across the desk from the three boys. "I'm going to keep this informal for now."

Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Are you going to tell Uncle Remus?"

"Yes."

"Damn!"

Sirius turned his wand on Harry, and two seconds later Harry was spitting out soap bubbles. "Use language like that again, young man, and you'll be grounded. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir," Harry managed to get out around the soapy mess in his mouth.

Sirius then ignored Harry who began spitting violently, trying to get the taste of soap out of his mouth. "I want your full names."

"I don't have to tell you," Ley said, crossing his arms. "You're not a real policeman, just a magic one."

"And as a magical policeman I can do things your policemen can't," Sirius said, aiming his wand into the air, causing a light shower of rain to fall to the side of the desk before be vanished the water. "Now that's just a child's spell, so please, stop messing me around and give me your full name before I feel the need to use something stronger."

"David Carl Gloucester," the boy with the black hair and a pug nose hurriedly spat out, his voice shaking.

Sirius, of course, knew David well. "I know. It's your friend's name I don't know."

"He's Dudley Dursley, I mean Evans," David offered up almost as quickly as he had his own name.

"Dursley?" Sirius said, the name ringing a bell. "Dursley… where've I heard that name before?"

Dudley shrugged. "I dunno. Is it true that Harry's last name isn't really James?"

"Yes," Sirius said, he and Remus having used the name to keep Harry's location a secret since reporters like Rita Skeeter had done their best to track their ward down for photos and a story. "His real name, as I imagine he's already told you by now, is Harry Potter, and he's famous in our world because he survived an attack by an evil wizard intent on ruling us."

"And he can really do magic?" David asked in a wonder-filled voice, a little in awe of Harry after that morning.

"Yes," Sirius said, before bringing the conversation back under his control. "How did you get here today?"

"A wicked bus," Dudley said, his eyes shining. "It was huge and had a chandy thingy hanging in it. It was real cool."

"And is supposed to be for wizards only," Sirius said, before growling at his godson, "Harry, you know better than anyone that our world is supposed to be hidden from Muggles."

"Yeah, but they didn't believe me."

"And I still don't believe you can do magic just because he can," Dudley said, in spite of Sirius' claim Harry could.

"Can I prove it?" Harry asked Sirius.

"No."

"Come on," Harry begged. "I know what you and Uncle Remus and Dad did when you were at school; I only wanna show him a simple spell. Please..."

Aware that he and his friends had done far worse than Harry had today, Sirius relented at the plaintive look and handed Harry the boxed wand he had just bought. "You can show them a lighting spell, but that's it."

"Okay." Harry excitedly took the wand. "Lumos."

Dudley snorted in disdain at the light that came from the end of the wand. "My Star Wars lightsaber does better than that."

"Bet it can't do this," Harry said, aiming his wand at an empty chair. "Confringo."

As the chair was blasted across the room, Sirius grabbed Harry's wand out of his hand. "You're grounded for a week, and where the hell did you learn that spell?"

"I saw you practicing it the other week in the dueling room," Harry reminded him, although he had had no idea he would be able to replicate the spell when he had decided to show off.

"Now that's a wicked spell," Dudley said, before adding something that was about to get Harry into even more trouble. "Just think of how much lunch money we could get if I could do…" He then trailed off as he realized what he had given away in his excitement.

"Lunch money?" Sirius asked in a taut voice. "Lunch money, Harry?"

"It was a joke," Harry said desperately.

"And I think you're lying, although I could always bring Remus in to check," Sirius warned.

"That's not fair!"

"Tough," Sirius said, before turning back to Dudley and his friend. "Under the circumstances, I've decided that I'm going to take you home and then obliviate you."

"You can't kill me!" David screamed, jumping up out of his chair in alarm.

Harry put him right. "He's not. He's just gonna wipe your memory so you won't remember me showing magic."

"And right now I need to sort out some transportation." Sirius then excused himself, returning a short time later with a piece of rope. "I need you all to hold on to this tightly and don't let go until I tell you that you can."

"Why?" Dudley asked, looking at the rope in confusion.

"It's called a portkey and it's another way of transporting people places," Sirius explained, before saying, "Go on. Hold on."

Very reluctantly the boys did as they were told, all three yelping as Sirius operated the portkey, which placed them in an alleyway close to Harry's school. "David, since I know where you live, we'll go there first."

After a brief discussion with the Gloucesters, Dudley watched in shock as Sirius obliviated them and then herded him and Harry out of the house. "You're gonna do that to me?"

"Yes," Sirius said, before asking, "Where do you live?"

"The next row, number 14," Harry offered up when Dudley said nothing.

When a panicked Dudley went to run, he found himself frozen in place, and Sirius looked around. "Which back garden is it, Harry?"

"The one with the shed in it, there," Harry said, stepping away from Sirius. "I can walk."

"You're being side-apparated," Sirius said, not about to let Harry out of his sight. "Hand."

After taking Harry's hand and grabbing Dudley by the shoulder, Sirius then disapparated, reappearing under a weeping willow, which afforded him some privacy as he released the freezing spell on Dudley, who ran indoors, screaming for his mother.

"You are in so much trouble," Sirius warned Harry before he ran after Dudley, only to draw to a halt at the sight of the woman who had come hurrying into the kitchen. "You!"

"Black," Petunia Evans spat back as she hugged a shaking Dudley to her. "Your sort aren't welcome in my house." She glanced at Harry, who had followed Sirius into the house. "Come away from him, Harry. He's dangerous."

"I'm with him," Harry had to admit.

She glanced at Sirius' dark hair and back at Harry's. "He's your son?"

"No, he's your nephew, and I'm here because he told your son about magic."

Harry quickly put two and two together. "Ley's my cousin?"

"Yes," Sirius snapped, glaring at Petunia, who he had only met three times and loathed. "But your aunt wanted nothing to do with you after I told her Lily had died."

"And I don't want my son having anything to do with him ever again now I know who the brat is," Petunia snarled violently at Sirius, surprising Harry who had thought Dudley's mother pleasant the few times he had met her, or he had at least up until then.

"You're not going to remember who Harry is," Sirius warned. "But you should know that your son has likely been stealing from other children, a memory I'm going to leave intact."

"Don't bother. My son would never do anything of the sort."

"Whether you believe me or not, I'm going to be speaking to Harry about this, and then his school if I find out it's true, and so you'll need to know too," Sirius warned, before aiming his wand at Petunia and a shaking Dudley. "Obliviate."

Harry waited while Sirius told his relatives that the three boys had gone to London without permission, that he believed they were all taking other children's money, and that he would likely be in touch. He then grimaced as Sirius grabbed him by the shoulder and disapparated, taking them home.

The moment they reappeared, Harry denied the allegation of stealing. "It's not true about the lunch money."

"Let's go have a chat with Remus," Sirius said, steering Harry towards the study where he knew Remus would likely be holed up.

Remus was already opening the door, having heard Sirius and Harry. "What's going on?"

Sirius swiftly filled Remus in on their charge's morning. "But that's not the worst of it. One of his best friends is Dudley Dursley."

Unlike Sirius, Remus made the connection immediately. "You're kidding."

"No, but we know him better as Ley Evans," Sirius said, not surprised they had never made the connection. "It seems as if Petunia Dursley isn't married to Vernon any longer, although I never stopped long enough to ask that."

"Just tell me what happened."

So Sirius finished recounting what had happened, including Dudley's comment about the lunch money and Harry and his friends denying it.

Remus turned his amber-flecked gaze on Harry. "Is it true, Harry? Are you taking other children's lunch money?"

Harry dropped his head. "Yes, but…"

"No buts," Remus barked. "Why? It's not as if you need it."

"You wouldn't let me have a CD player."

"That's no excuse for stealing," Remus said, completely astounded by what he was hearing. "I thought we'd brought you up better than that, Harry."

"It wasn't stealing exactly," Harry said, trying to defend himself. "If they paid up, they didn't get beat up by Ley, so it was sort of protection money, like they do on Muggle TV."

"So you were not only stealing but hitting children too?" Remus asked furiously.

Harry swallowed hard as he realized he had just dug himself a deeper hole but he knew if he lied Remus would know; instead, a little afraid of what was probably going to happen if he owned up, he started to cry.

Remus, however, was not moved by his tears. "Answer the question, Harry."

"Yes," Harry blubbered, before yelping as he found himself tugged across Remus' knee, something that had only ever happened once before when Harry had snuck out of the house during the night and gotten lost in London, frightening both Sirius and Remus when they had discovered he was missing.

After six sharp taps, Remus tempering his blows as he didn't want to hurt Harry, merely shock and embarrass him, Remus set an openly sobbing Harry back on to his feet. "Go to your room while I talk to Sirius."

Harry did as he was told, and Sirius dropped into a seat. "I blame that Muggle school."

"Sirius, he was doing perfectly fine until now."

"As far as we know," Sirius said, wondering what else they had no idea about. "He could've been stealing for years."

"I doubt it," Remus said, although his voice reflected his uncertainty. "I think we need to find out when Harry became friends with Dudley; he's been friends with David since infant school, so I don't think that's where the bad influence came from."

"I'll go back."

"I'll go," Remus countermanded. "I'll know if he's telling the truth, unlike you."

"I'd wear a glamour," Sirius warned. "And pretend to be someone who isn't a wizard!"

"Give me the address."

By the time Remus returned, after pretending to be a school inspector investigating the allegation of theft, he had discovered that Vernon had divorced Petunia to marry his secretary, and she had moved to the West Midlands to be close to a second cousin who had been able to rent her a house and find her a job. Harry had therefore only met his cousin at the end of his second year, Dudley gradually making friends with Harry and David during third year.

Sirius meanwhile had discovered that it had been Dudley who had goaded Harry into showing off about his magic when he had said Harry was lame.

"At least we don't have to worry about Harry being influenced by the Dursley boy anymore, not now he's about to start at Hogwarts," Remus said.

"If I was you, I'd be more worried about Harry ending up somewhere unsuitable, like Slytherin, and their influence," Sirius said, more than a little concerned by how sneaky his godson had been. "And if he does, I know who I'm blaming."

"Me, I get it," Remus said, before revealing some surprising news. "But if he does, at least I'll be around to…"

Sirius interrupted. "You're going to Hogwarts?"

"Headmistress McGonagall has finally convinced the Board to remove Binns, and I'll be taking his place as well as taking over as the Head of Gryffindor. I received a letter this morning offering me the position, and although two weeks' doesn't exactly give enough time to serve my notice at Smith's Wood, I've decided to take the job anyway. I'll just be a little late starting, something the Headmistress has assured me isn't a problem."

"Speaking of problems, does she know about your furry little one?"

"Yes, and as long as I take Wolfsbane and lock myself away here on the night of the full moon, the Headmistress is happy."

"I bet Harry won't be," Sirius said, grinning as he thought about the shock Harry was to receive when he discovered he was going to continue to be monitored.

"No doubt you will be, as it'll leave you free to bring women back willy nilly." Remus had long ago despaired of Sirius ever curtailing his libido.

"I haven't had a girlfriend in weeks," Sirius protested.

"Probably because you've slept with everyone you know," Remus said drily, before getting up. "But even so, just try and behave during term time. One miscreant in this household is enough."

Sirius' response was to stick out his tongue and vanish, leaving Remus to go and inform Harry of the remainder of his punishment, Remus deciding to ground Harry until he started at Hogwarts in two weeks' time.